Jean in Newcastle Posted April 3, 2011 Share Posted April 3, 2011 In the dating thread someone said that they want their teen to date in order to get to know the opposite sex. I'm assuming a bit here but I'm thinking that perhaps that's why a lot of people allow their kids to date in their teens? Can you help this old fuddy-duddy know exactly what dating would teach them about the opposite sex that having friends of the opposite sex wouldn't teach them? I'm asking because I had zero guidance on this issue as a teen and am trying to get a mental framework around the whole issue before ds13 discovers girls. (So hurry it up, people, I don't think I have much time!:D) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eternalknot Posted April 4, 2011 Share Posted April 4, 2011 In the dating thread someone said that they want their teen to date in order to get to know the opposite sex. I'm assuming a bit here but I'm thinking that perhaps that's why a lot of people allow their kids to date in their teens? Can you help this old fuddy-duddy know exactly what dating would teach them about the opposite sex that having friends of the opposite sex wouldn't teach them? I'm asking because I had zero guidance on this issue as a teen and am trying to get a mental framework around the whole issue before ds13 discovers girls. (So hurry it up, people, I don't think I have much time!:D) Hmm. I'm actually more in line with the philosophy that teenagers dating is okay, for whatever reason, but I've found that I learned more about the opposite gender just by having siblings of the opposite gender. Like your kids :D. All that to say ::bump:: so someone with something of more value can chime in LOL. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted April 4, 2011 Share Posted April 4, 2011 am trying to get a mental framework around the whole issue before ds13 discovers girls. (So hurry it up, people, I don't think I have much time!:D) Lucky you. Kiddo discovered girls at 13 months, and I have only to fear what happens when he discovers even more about them. Right now I regularly get questions on how to find and keep a wife, and when will he be old enough to find his own person to sleep with (he just wants a warm cuddle in the scary dark). I don't know if you saw Raise the Red Lantern, but the "wife of the that night" would have a ritual bath and a foot rub. Every night kiddo goes through a ritual to pick and anoint the stuffed animal that is going to get to sleep with ME, and it is brought in rather like a ringbearer with his pillow. :svengo: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stripe Posted April 4, 2011 Share Posted April 4, 2011 Can you help this old fuddy-duddy know exactly what dating would teach them about the opposite sex that having friends of the opposite sex wouldn't teach them? Anatomy? Maybe the idea is that your boyfriend / girlfriend will be more loyal or interested in you than just a regular friend, but then there's the issue of increased emotional stress. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tex-mex Posted April 4, 2011 Share Posted April 4, 2011 (edited) Maybe the idea is that your boyfriend / girlfriend will be more loyal or interested in you than just a regular friend, but then there's the issue of increased emotional stress. :iagree: If it helps, our take on this new chapter in our lives is to help our (15 y.o.) only child navigate the "murky" waters of friendship. We think he is too immature (he is high functioning Asperger's Syndrome/OCD/Anxiety/rare liver disease) to begin dating. But he is indeed ready to cultivate a friendship with a girl we know he likes. She likes him too and initiates the get-to-gethers (chaperoned). They both hit it off at a homeschool club that met once a week. (I enrolled ds due to him needing social interaction. Didn't figure on a girl being interested in him too?) But we have limited the contact (no emails, chat, FB, or phone calls) to monthly get-to-gethers. Majority of it with other homeschooled kiddos. Like bowling with her friends to celebrate her birthday, for example. Other times have been meeting at the library, laser tag, hs club activities, and lunch at a restaurant (a bit disasterous with ds not knowing how to handle the girl talking non-stop... there were large gaps of communication when she stopped talking. She'd ask, "Is everything okay?" After that, we reminded Aspie teen son to smile and look the person in the eye during a conversation. Even if he is not the least bit interested in what she has to say. LOL) He did make up for that gaffe in a recent get-to-gether with her (we always chaperone and her parents do as well) at a pizza buffet/video game place as she prattled on about some topic. But sonny boy did us proud with nodding his head and laughing at appropriate places in the conversation. Afterwards, I asked him what they were talking about. He shrugged his shoulders and said, "I think it was about her dual credit class but I really have no clue." I thought he did great with being a good listener. Often my Aspie teen dominates the conversation on his obsession, video games. Aiiiyyyeeee. :D As part of our 9th grade Biology unit and Health unit this year, it has been an ideal topic to discuss s-e-x and the ramifications of STIs, teen pregnancy, drugs, alcohol, etc. HTH Edited April 4, 2011 by tex-mex Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted April 4, 2011 Share Posted April 4, 2011 In the dating thread someone said that they want their teen to date in order to get to know the opposite sex. I'm assuming a bit here but I'm thinking that perhaps that's why a lot of people allow their kids to date in their teens? Can you help this old fuddy-duddy know exactly what dating would teach them about the opposite sex that having friends of the opposite sex wouldn't teach them? I'm asking because I had zero guidance on this issue as a teen and am trying to get a mental framework around the whole issue before ds13 discovers girls. (So hurry it up, people, I don't think I have much time!:D) I think that exploring romantic relationships, structured and while parents are still in the picture is not only permissible, but ideal. I've posted about this before, but my oldest's first involvement included WAY too much drama. I'd rather he have had that experience than not. I was with him, supporting, helping, coaching. He now recognizes and avoids drama. The same child dated a girl (she was, conveniently, my additonal student!) who had an autoimmune disease that involved getting bone marrow tested each year. Last year, he went with her. He learned that is what you *do* when you intimately care for someone. He was with her, her Mom, the medical staff all day. He held her hand, prayed with her. It was different than if they were "just friends". Again, I'd rather he have that experience than not. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SailorMom Posted April 4, 2011 Share Posted April 4, 2011 Well - I've said this before and I'll say it again - I fell deeply in love with the husband I have been married to for over 18 years.... when I was 16 and we started dating. Thank heavens my parents let me date :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peela Posted April 4, 2011 Share Posted April 4, 2011 In the dating thread someone said that they want their teen to date in order to get to know the opposite sex. I'm assuming a bit here but I'm thinking that perhaps that's why a lot of people allow their kids to date in their teens? Can you help this old fuddy-duddy know exactly what dating would teach them about the opposite sex that having friends of the opposite sex wouldn't teach them? I'm asking because I had zero guidance on this issue as a teen and am trying to get a mental framework around the whole issue before ds13 discovers girls. (So hurry it up, people, I don't think I have much time!:D) Yeah, Im not so sure its such a relevant reason, myself. My kids have lots of opposite sex friends and they are even all fairly physically affectionate with each other- lots of hugging, sprawling across each other while watching tv, that sort of thing. I guess ..well, dd16 has sworn off boys for the forseeable future because of "getting to know them". She got to know them...and decided they are (all) better as friends :) Ds15- I guess it has held water for him- he has taken being a "boyfriend" very seriously and makes sure he visits his gf every weekend - he doesn't have a part time job on Sundays because he needs to visit his gf- I guess he is learning that relationships are hard work? :) I suppose he feels its worth it though. They are curious I suppose and they have explored kissing and such. It's demystified :) But we allow dating just because it seems natural and we don't have any compelling moral reason not to. As I said in another thread, we havent presumed problems, and there havent really been any. It all just unfolds- but my kids have pretty good self esteem and a good relationship with their parents- I think it provides some immunity from the worst possibilities of the dating game where everyone sells out their emotions and sexuality to get love. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wheres Toto Posted April 4, 2011 Share Posted April 4, 2011 I think that exploring romantic relationships, structured and while parents are still in the picture is not only permissible, but ideal. I've posted about this before, but my oldest's first involvement included WAY too much drama. I'd rather he have had that experience than not. I was with him, supporting, helping, coaching. He now recognizes and avoids drama. The same child dated a girl (she was, conveniently, my additonal student!) who had an autoimmune disease that involved getting bone marrow tested each year. Last year, he went with her. He learned that is what you *do* when you intimately care for someone. He was with her, her Mom, the medical staff all day. He held her hand, prayed with her. It was different than if they were "just friends". Again, I'd rather he have that experience than not. This is how I feel about it. I want my dd to be able to explore relationships while she's still living at home, where she can deal with issues in a safe place. I want her to be able to date without the pressure of thinking about getting married (which IMO can lead to quick decisions that make everyone miserable) and take the time to really learn what she wants in a guy and what she absolutely refuses to deal with. ETA: She has a ton of friends both boys and girls but there's a definite difference when its a romantic interest. Having male friends has definitely helped with some aspects of dating but it didn't really prepare her for all of it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted April 4, 2011 Author Share Posted April 4, 2011 This is how I feel about it. I want my dd to be able to explore relationships while she's still living at home, where she can deal with issues in a safe place. I want her to be able to date without the pressure of thinking about getting married (which IMO can lead to quick decisions that make everyone miserable) and take the time to really learn what she wants in a guy and what she absolutely refuses to deal with. ETA: She has a ton of friends both boys and girls but there's a definite difference when its a romantic interest. Having male friends has definitely helped with some aspects of dating but it didn't really prepare her for all of it. OK - now we're getting somewhere. So learning about the opposite sex is learning what she wants and doesn't want in a mate. Right? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carrie12345 Posted April 4, 2011 Share Posted April 4, 2011 OK - now we're getting somewhere. So learning about the opposite sex is learning what she wants and doesn't want in a mate. Right? In my opinion, yes. My kids have plenty of opposite-sex (and, hey, same-sex, too!) siblings and friends. I had plenty of opposite-sex friends (but not siblings). What I looked for in friends was definitely different from what I looked for in a spouse. I never needed to make a promise to spend the rest of my days with any of my friends, ya know? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catherine Posted April 4, 2011 Share Posted April 4, 2011 It's also learning about oneself as a partner, not a son or brother. My boys have no sisters, but it matters little IMO. Being a brother to someone is somewhat different from being a partner. A good partner does not manipulate, or, manipulates in healthy ways, expresses emotions in healthy ways, is loyal, is fun to spend time with, is unselfish. Both my dh and I have said many times that those early romantic relationships helped us tremendously to understand what we wanted (and did NOT want) from a marriage partner. He in particular did not have healthy relationship models as a kids and it sure showed in his early choices of girlfriends. But he learned, and the rest is history. We are so right for each other, and IMO that is not coincidence. I have a 17 yo and we often discuss this topic, in particular, my mistakes and his impressions of healthy relationships. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wheres Toto Posted April 4, 2011 Share Posted April 4, 2011 OK - now we're getting somewhere. So learning about the opposite sex is learning what she wants and doesn't want in a mate. Right? Yes, although not as an immediat concern. More just getting a feel for what she likes in a guy, what she absolutely hates, as well as what kind of partner she wants to be in a relationship. My dd has a very good attitude about dating. She doesn't feel like she has to have a boyfriend no matter what (a LOT of girls do), she's not afraid to speak up for what she wants/needs and she's not afraid to break up with a guy if it's not working out. She's had three official boyfriends so far. None lasted long. One broke up with her, the other two she broke up with. One she broke up with because she felt they didn't have anything in common - he was in vo-tech for car repair, didn't like to read, always talked about partying while she loves to read, is planning to go to college and spends the majority of her time at dance. She felt like they had nothing in common and nothing to talk about so she ended it. She learned something about herself - she prefers a guy who likes to read and has varied interests. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted April 4, 2011 Author Share Posted April 4, 2011 Yes, although not as an immediat concern. More just getting a feel for what she likes in a guy, what she absolutely hates, as well as what kind of partner she wants to be in a relationship. My dd has a very good attitude about dating. She doesn't feel like she has to have a boyfriend no matter what (a LOT of girls do), she's not afraid to speak up for what she wants/needs and she's not afraid to break up with a guy if it's not working out. She's had three official boyfriends so far. None lasted long. One broke up with her, the other two she broke up with. One she broke up with because she felt they didn't have anything in common - he was in vo-tech for car repair, didn't like to read, always talked about partying while she loves to read, is planning to go to college and spends the majority of her time at dance. She felt like they had nothing in common and nothing to talk about so she ended it. She learned something about herself - she prefers a guy who likes to read and has varied interests. So. . . continuing this discussion and "typing aloud" here. . . I had had a lot of experience with men prior to my dh (mostly very negative) but dh had little experience with women (I was his first girlfriend). We were, however, both older (late 20's, early 30's). Both of us seemed to really know what we wanted in a partner. And both of us still had a hard time our first year learning to compromise. . . how to fight productively etc. I think we have a very compatible and happy marriage. I realize that the experience of one couple doesn't mean much, but I'm wondering. . . do you think it was partly our age, perhaps our emotional maturity which helped us to make a choice? Is it helpful to talk to our kids about how to make these choices? How to look for commonalities? Do they need to do this by trial and error? Sorry it is sort of disjointed - I'm just trying to sort all of this stuff out. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TxMama Posted April 4, 2011 Share Posted April 4, 2011 .... getting a feel for what she likes in a guy, what she absolutely hates, as well as what kind of partner she wants to be in a relationship. She learned something about herself - she prefers a guy who likes to read and has varied interests. Just offering the different side. My dd doesn't date. We didn't allow dating until adulthood and she has opted out. She is 19, a pretty girl, and she gets asked out frequently. She has always had contact with the opposite sex and has multiple male friends. From these friendships--the casual and the more involved---she has been able to determine some of the qualities she desires in a man who may eventually become her husband. In fact, she has a list going. :lol: She did not have to date or complicate these relationships to get this information. She is able to remain friends with a guy that she could not possible see a romantic future. From Jean--Is it helpful to talk to our kids about how to make these choices? How to look for commonalities? Do they need to do this by trial and error? Sorry it is sort of disjointed - I'm just trying to sort all of this stuff out. I do talk to them about. Even the younger kids who are not interested. With a younger child, I offer my opinion but with a young adult I mostly listen and ask questions. I don't think they have to do this by trial and error unless they choose to. I support them either way...once they reach adulthood. HTH Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs Mungo Posted April 4, 2011 Share Posted April 4, 2011 OK - now we're getting somewhere. So learning about the opposite sex is learning what she wants and doesn't want in a mate. Right? Yes, I posted in another thread about this. My aunt told me when I was a teen to go out, have a good time, go on *lots* of dates, go to movies and out to dinner. But, don't continue dating someone that you wouldn't want to be married to. I went on lots and lots and lots of first, second and third dates. I discovered where I needed to set up boundaries. I discovered things about guys I would not have known in other circumstances (friends and dates are not the same thing). Eventually, I found that it is possible for you to break someone's heart when you thought you were friends and they thought something else. It's tricky territory to navigate. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liz CA Posted April 4, 2011 Share Posted April 4, 2011 Do they need to do this by trial and error? Sorry it is sort of disjointed - I'm just trying to sort all of this stuff out. In a way, yes. Dating should be just getting to know someone. Going out for pizza, etc., attending events together - not sitting in the dark and alone in a car...This kind of "dating" quickly leads to disaster on many levels. My ds (almost 20) is currently "exploring" a relationship with a girl who lives several hours from us. They write to each other by letters, e-mail and talk to each other on the phone. She has relatives in this area and will be visiting this month. They invited me to go out for a dinner with them (dh works out of town). They are getting to know each other a lot better with this type of communication than if the emphasis was mainly on physical attraction. Of course she is attractive to ds or he would not have looked twice, however their "relationship" at this point rests on revealing their mind, opinions, attitudes, etc., to the other person...rather than revealing other parts of themselves. If this fizzles out, neither of them will have lost themselves to a painful degree, kwim? They may be sad it didn't work but they would be able to move on without regrets. It is in a way trial and error (or success) as you said. I wish my mother had made something like this clearer to me, in fact anything would have been better than total silence on this subject. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liz CA Posted April 4, 2011 Share Posted April 4, 2011 Yes, I posted in another thread about this. My aunt told me when I was a teen to go out, have a good time, go on *lots* of dates, go to movies and out to dinner. But, don't continue dating someone that you wouldn't want to be married to. I went on lots and lots and lots of first, second and third dates. I discovered where I needed to set up boundaries. I discovered things about guys I would not have known in other circumstances (friends and dates are not the same thing). Eventually, I found that it is possible for you to break someone's heart when you thought you were friends and they thought something else. It's tricky territory to navigate. I've read your example of your aunt several months ago (probably in a similar thread) and thought "how wise and wonderful of an aunt to pass this on." I am reading here that these "dates" were dates in the old-fashioned sense. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LostSurprise Posted April 4, 2011 Share Posted April 4, 2011 I'll say the opposite...I think friendship is more helpful than dating. You're more objective. Despite several opportunities I decided not to date in high school. Instead of putting me at a disadvantage, I saw all the drama, all the things I did and didn't want from watching my friends' relationships and from male friends. When I finally dated, I knew more about myself and what I wanted then my friends did. They were still doing the same trial and error they did in high school. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs Mungo Posted April 4, 2011 Share Posted April 4, 2011 I've read your example of your aunt several months ago (probably in a similar thread) and thought "how wise and wonderful of an aunt to pass this on."I am reading here that these "dates" were dates in the old-fashioned sense. Old-fashioned sense? :D They were dates in the usual sense of the word. I will add that I really didn't date much in high school, it was mostly in college. And I mostly was not picked up by the guys, but I met them there (especially if I did not know them well)-for dinner, movies, ice-skating, going to a concert, normal stuff. There were *many* times I was glad that I could just drive away. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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