Margo out of lurking Posted April 1, 2011 Share Posted April 1, 2011 Dear Sis, I wish there was another solution for your wedding. I understand the concerns over the cost, but having it in Jamaica is going to cost the same (16 people times $1400) – you’re just asking everyone else to help pay for it. You are so wise to have concerns over the cost. But if you have it in Jamaica, there's no way our family can swing it to attend your wedding! Have you guys considered doing a small ceremony at city hall (or somewhere) in town and then heading off to Jamaica for a reception/honeymoon? That way people who really want to be there to see you get married could do that and you’d still get to go and have fun at an all-inclusive. You are _______'s only sister, and my kids' only aunt. We have been really excited to share this special day with you. I know this is your wedding and your decision, but I hope there's still a little room to think through some other options that might also work for you. We’d be willing to host a wedding here. I’m sure *dh's mom and dad who live in her city and have a gorgeous acre* would love to host one at their house (she loves that kind of stuff). You could have an early wedding and then a sandwiches and tea reception in the afternoon and then fly off to Jamaica. I love you and really do want to be there for you. I'm not sure if I'll be able to make it to Jamaica or not. I do know that the kids wouldn't be able to make it and they were really disappointed when they heard they wouldn't be able to be at your wedding. I think you wrote a great letter. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HS Mom in NC Posted April 1, 2011 Share Posted April 1, 2011 Excellent point, Audrey. Pulling the rug out from under people on such short notice is rude. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scrappyhappymama Posted April 2, 2011 Share Posted April 2, 2011 Ok - I'm emailing her. She hasn't come to a final decision about it yet and it is very cost driven. She told her fiancee she'd be willing to get married at city hall and after they discussed options for a while they came up with the Jamaica idea. Nothing is finalized so I'm hoping there might be room for another idea. I know this isn't my wedding, and this isn't my kids' wedding, but she's their only aunt (dh's brother died last year) so this was a wedding our entire family felt was important. How does this sound? Dear Sis, I wish there was another solution for your wedding. I understand the concerns over the cost, but having it in Jamaica is going to cost the same (16 people times $1400) – you’re just asking everyone else to help pay for it. Have you guys considered doing a small ceremony at city hall (or somewhere) in town and then heading off to Jamaica for a reception/honeymoon? That way people who really want to be there to see you get married could do that and you’d still get to go and have fun at an all-inclusive. I know this is your wedding and your decision, but I hope there's still a little room to think through some other options that might also work for you. We’d be willing to host a wedding here. I’m sure *dh's mom and dad who live in her city and have a gorgeous acre* would love to host one at their house (she loves that kind of stuff). You could have an early wedding and then a sandwiches and tea reception in the afternoon and then fly off to Jamaica. I love you and really do want to be there for you. I'm not sure if I'll be able to make it to Jamaica or not. I do know that the kids wouldn't be able to make it and they were really disappointed when they heard they wouldn't be able to be at your wedding. I think your letter is very heartfelt and straightforward. However, if you are trying to avoid hurt feelings or accusations of trying to tell your sister how to plan her own wedding, you might want to focus more on how this will affect you and your family and your ability to attend, and less on their motives or proposing specific alternatives. I've seen this very thing in my own family- illogical "bridezilla" responses to perfectly reasonable suggestions. So maybe instead, you could respond with enthusiasm about the excitement she must feel about here plans- "Wow! A wedding in Jamaica sounds fabulous. I can see why you'd want to go there." But then follow it up with the simple facts that follow their decision: you would be the only one who could attend, your children will be disappointed to miss their aunt's wedding, etc. That way, you are giving her the opportunity to realize the true costs, beyond the purely financial, of the decision they've made. Either way, you can be supportive of the decision she makes, knowing that she made it fully aware of the consequences. If she decides that the wedding in Jamaica is what will make here truly happy, then it's her choice to make (sad as it may make you feel). You could still offer to help with a local reception when they return, as a previous poster suggested. Dear sister, My entire family is going to Europe in June. We have saved for seven years to do this. I would love to be at your wedding and have even bought the dress. We were all looking forward to sharing this big moment with you in August. Since it has now been moved out of the country and moved to July, I don't see how we can all attend. I'm not certain I can even afford to change plans at this late date, but will try for your sake. Do you think you can help with the cost. Last minute plane tickets are so expensive. Jamaica is a beautiful honeymoon spot!! I so hope I can see you get married as you are my only sister. Or, this is a great response as well! Incidentally, my SIL and her husband made a similar decision while planning their wedding. As they were reserving banquet halls and musicians and catering, they asked themselves if they really wanted to spend all that money on one day. And they decided instead to plan a destination wedding in HAWAII. Then they spent the money they would have spent on a lavish wedding on flying their family and closest friends out for a week long vacation. They were stationed in Hawaii at the time, as was my sister, so we all ended up bunking up with family rather than in some lush hotel, and we paid for our own meals and activities while there, but NO ONE was complaining because we'd been flown to HAWAII on their dime to celebrate their special day with them. I thought that was a rather nice choice, and even so I think they ended up spending less than they would have on the original wedding plans. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mom2myboys Posted April 2, 2011 Share Posted April 2, 2011 I thought the couple paid for their loved ones to come to a destination wedding (travel, lodging, etc.), is that not correct? In any case, I hope you are able to have a good conversation with your sister and peace in your relationship with her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starr Posted April 2, 2011 Share Posted April 2, 2011 I thought the couple paid for their loved ones to come to a destination wedding (travel, lodging, etc.), is that not correct? In any case, I hope you are able to have a good conversation with your sister and peace in your relationship with her. This doesn't seem to be the case very often. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lisamarie Posted April 2, 2011 Share Posted April 2, 2011 Anyway - a month or so after we were all back in Chicago hubby's folks had a second reception at a nice restaurant for all the folks who had not been able to travel...or simply wanted to attend a second free meal ;). I wore my wedding dress a second time, too. This is what my brother and SIL did. She's from NJ and we're from MI. So they got married in NJ and then threw a reception for the MI people in MI a few months later. Just a dessert and punch reception open house style. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tammyla Posted April 2, 2011 Share Posted April 2, 2011 :iagree: You do not have to go. Unrealistic of her to expect such a thing of you at late notice (yes, this is late notice considering international travel is involved). Your sister has the right to get married as she pleases. She does not have the right to expect all aboard. There have been several threads on this topic, you may find some interesting reading by doing a board search for destination weddings. Sorry you have to deal with this unexpected turn of events. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MyFourSons Posted April 4, 2011 Share Posted April 4, 2011 My husband's Best Man from our wedding had a "destination wedding" with just his fiancee and their parents and siblings. Then they had simple reception in their hometown that we attended. I think it is a lovely thing to do. She can't expect you to pay that kind of money if you don't have it. That is the price you pay when you have a destination wedding. I don't know why people have the nerve to think they can "save money" by forcing their close family and friends to spend the money instead. So rude and tacky! But it seems fewer and fewer people actually know what constitutes good manners or how to be considerate to others. You have no need to feel guilty, just tell her you can't afford it and you wish you could, but that is the way it is. She has to deal with that, it is her own fault after all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lea1 Posted April 4, 2011 Share Posted April 4, 2011 We were going to have our wedding in Houston, where we were living at the time. My family could have driven so it would not have been too expensive for them (I have a much larger family than dh). We ended up having our wedding in Tucson because my MIL was physically unable to make the trip to Houston. Before we finalized that change, I called everyone in my family, told them about the situation and let then know we would be paying for flights for everyone who could still attend. I knew there was not way most of my family would have been able to afford the trip otherwise and dh knew having them there was really important to me. So we spent a lot more but it was worth it and everyone had a lovely time. I would never have had the nerve to make such a last minute change and I certainly would not expect anyone to attend. It is sad that they would do this purely for the cost issue when they could have a less expensive, simple ceremony with their loved ones present. Hopefully they will see the light and change their plans. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted April 4, 2011 Share Posted April 4, 2011 I am late to the party but wanted to say that my dh and I had a very small wedding (4 parents, 3 children, the minister and his wife and daughter and the photographer). We had it at a bed and breakfast. It cost about $400. It was awesome. No stress. Just borrowed my friend's dress, dh rented a tux, put our boys in their regular Sunday suits with new matching ties, shelled out $200 for some extra flowers and got married. 3 weeks later we rented a hall and had a reception with about 100 people in attendence. And that was an organized covered dish. However, it was a second marriage for us both and we realized the real celebration is in being together the rest of our lives. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nd293 Posted April 4, 2011 Share Posted April 4, 2011 You do not have to go. Unrealistic of her to expect such a thing of you at late notice (yes, this is late notice considering international travel is involved). Your sister has the right to get married as she pleases. She does not have the right to expect all aboard. I agree. I would not incurr a financial burden for my own wedding - why would I do it for someone else's? And how could I ever, ever expect another person to take on a financial burden to attend my wedding? It's outrageous. I would be polite, but I would be clear and I would not budge on the issue. There are ways to have a wedding at home without running up a huge bill for anyone. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ktgrok Posted April 5, 2011 Share Posted April 5, 2011 yikes. we didn't want to pay for a big wedding so we got married in Scotland, but just the two of us. Not only did we not expect anyone to come, we didn't invite anyone because we didn't want it to turn into a "who can afford to come and who can't" kind of thing. It was very special, with just the two of us. Then we had a big casual reception at the house when we got back. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amy in NH Posted April 5, 2011 Share Posted April 5, 2011 Updates? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Elf Posted April 5, 2011 Share Posted April 5, 2011 Updates? I was wondering that too. What an interesting thread. From my POV, their idea is as tacky as them sending everyone invitations to their originally planned wedding but charging them $1400 a seat for the privilege of participating. I would type up a financial plan to show just how much the trip would really cost your family. Don't only include airplane costs. You also need to consider pet care, hotel lodgings, food, and possibly even time off work if your DH doesn't have vacation time left. Couldn't that be a salary loss? My guess is you would be spending more for this privilege than they would be spending on their entire wedding. I truly don't get how that is okay just because it is their "special" day? :confused: I must really come from a poor background. I've never heard of such a thing! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mcconnellboys Posted April 5, 2011 Share Posted April 5, 2011 I think you should explain to her all the reasons why this will not work for your family.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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