Need the advise of the Hive!!

[Mynyel]

BAH, Advice... spelled it wrong... /sigh

 

 

O M G! I don't know what to do with ds9!

 

Almost every morning I go through the same thing with him. Ds2 wants to play with "his" match box/hot wheel cars. I don't really know which ones are whose because both boys have some. However ds9 seems to have them all and they are all "his":glare:.

 

He will wake up out of a dead sleep to tell ds2 he can't play with "his" cars. Even though he hasn't played with them in days, and the last time he did play with them was just to, again, keep them away from ds2.

 

I forced him to go back to bed and he can get up when he decides not to be so selfish.

 

I just don't know what else to do! You'd think he was 3 instead of 9 by the way he is acting. Oh and of course the river only flows one way too. Ds2 has Thomas trains and ds9 plays with those and gets huffy when ds2 tries to pull the same "mine" stuff.

 

I actually banned ds9 from buying anymore cars a few weeks ago because of this.

 

I can't stand the whole "mine" business. I mean my skin crawls when my kids start spouting "It's MINE". Technically? EVERYTHING in this house in MINE! (I have told them that too)

 

Before anyone says it I know children are mostly inherently selfish and I know this can be considered normal even, but that isn't what I want. I want to know how to properly deal with it so I don't have to fight them both every. single. day.

 

What says the hive?

[KS_]

 

Before anyone says it I know children are mostly inherently selfish and I know this can be considered normal even, but that isn't what I want. I want to know how to properly deal with it so I don't have to fight them both every. single. day.

 

What says the hive?

 

Is it possible to split up the cars, or some of the cars, so they each have some that are theirs alone? I think it's difficult for kids to have to share everything, and they do need some things that are theirs to control. I think I'd put them in a pile and let each child choose 5 or 10 (I don't know how many you have) to have as their own, and have some type of container for each to store them in, and if necessary, label the cars for them.

 

My kids are pretty good at sharing now, but they've always had things that were theirs and that they could decide whether or not they wanted to share those items. It wasn't something that was always forced - you *have* to share.

[kchara]

We use a communal toy system here. :D Except for a couple of very special toys, everything belongs in the toy box, and belongs to everyone. There is no "mine." (The exceptions to this are DS8's lego set, which the littles can't play with anyway, and the girls' dolls. They each have 1 special doll. DS4 has a special stuffed bear. That's it.) Other than that, the toys belong to everyone. If I hear "mine," it becomes MINE.

[Amy in NH]

We use a communal toy system here. :D Except for a couple of very special toys, everything belongs in the toy box, and belongs to everyone. There is no "mine." (The exceptions to this are DS8's lego set, which the littles can't play with anyway, and the girls' dolls. They each have 1 special doll. DS4 has a special stuffed bear. That's it.) Other than that, the toys belong to everyone. If I hear "mine," it becomes MINE.

 

:iagree:

This is exactly what we do, right down to the legos and stuffed bear.

 

Edited to add:

Sometimes one child wants to play with a particular toy all by themselves for a while, not because of the "mine" issue, but because sometimes you want to play alone and have complete control over your play. When that happens, sometimes the toy in question becomes the hot item for a time. We take turns with a timer if it is a single toy (like a yo-yo for instance). On those occasions, it is really easy to tell if the kid1 is just hogging it so that the kid2 can't have it, or if the kid2 just wants it because kid1 has it - someone loses interest rather quickly, problem solved. If it is something like matchbox cars, kid2 who wants a turn needs to tell kid1 who has it, in a nice manner, that they'd like a turn when the toy is available.

 

I do a lot of mom-mediated conversations with my young children so that they can learn how to communicate about stuff like that. Kid1 will tell me what they want, I'll tell them how to say that to kid2 (who is waiting patiently), kid1 will face kid2 and say it, etc. until an understanding is worked out.

Edited March 16, 2011 by Amy in NH

[specialmama]

Yup. Our rule is "if it's not in that special bin in your bedroom, it is for everyone to play with." Each family member has a bin under the bed which holds only so much, and that is where the extra special stuff goes.

[KristinaBreece]

We use a communal toy system here. :D Except for a couple of very special toys, everything belongs in the toy box, and belongs to everyone. There is no "mine." (The exceptions to this are DS8's lego set, which the littles can't play with anyway, and the girls' dolls. They each have 1 special doll. DS4 has a special stuffed bear. That's it.) Other than that, the toys belong to everyone. If I hear "mine," it becomes MINE.

 

 

We have basically the same system-- each of my 2 actually own their individual toys, but they are all placed into the community toy box, so that anyone can play with them. The only toys that don't have to be shared (with ANYONE, guests included, if they so choose) are their special toys. Their AG Bitty Twins (1 belongs to each of them, and they'll share them with each other, but will not let anyone else handle them at all), DD's special baby, and DS's "Sugar Bear" that he's had since he was 2 months old.

[Virg]

Same as PPs here. We have a playroom with communal toys. Each child has a "special box" with their special toys, cards, etc in it and their stuffed animals are their own. Everything else is shared. I also use Sharpie to mark the bottom of cars, feet of guys, etc with a child's initial because the twins get such similar toys I won't remember whose is whose and a fight will ensue.

[simka2]

We have a mix here. I think communal and personal properties are important.

 

So, for personal property I would get a black sharpie and put 1 dot for ds1 and 2 dots for ds2.

[Joanne]

BAH, Advice... spelled it wrong... /sigh

 

 

O M G! I don't know what to do with ds9!

 

Almost every morning I go through the same thing with him. Ds2 wants to play with "his" match box/hot wheel cars. I don't really know which ones are whose because both boys have some. However ds9 seems to have them all and they are all "his":glare:.

 

He will wake up out of a dead sleep to tell ds2 he can't play with "his" cars. Even though he hasn't played with them in days, and the last time he did play with them was just to, again, keep them away from ds2.

 

I forced him to go back to bed and he can get up when he decides not to be so selfish.

 

I just don't know what else to do! You'd think he was 3 instead of 9 by the way he is acting. Oh and of course the river only flows one way too. Ds2 has Thomas trains and ds9 plays with those and gets huffy when ds2 tries to pull the same "mine" stuff.

 

I actually banned ds9 from buying anymore cars a few weeks ago because of this.

 

I can't stand the whole "mine" business. I mean my skin crawls when my kids start spouting "It's MINE". Technically? EVERYTHING in this house in MINE! (I have told them that too)

 

Before anyone says it I know children are mostly inherently selfish and I know this can be considered normal even, but that isn't what I want. I want to know how to properly deal with it so I don't have to fight them both every. single. day.

 

What says the hive?

 

I actually think your reaction is spot on. 9 is too old for this.

 

I'd be very firm. He can consider the cars community property or he can not play with them at all.

 

What that would look like is:

 

He plays with any of the cars and he allows his sibling to play, also.

If he balks at taking turns, he loses his turn for the day. The sibling can continue to play.

[Home'scool]

My daughters are now 16 and 14, but when they were young they went through the "mine" stage too.

 

I had ZERO patience for it. Ugh. The bickering! Plus I knew that selfishness was not something that I wanted tolerated.

 

So, I adopted this plan:

 

Anytime they fought over a toy, as soon as they started, I would say very calmly "Oh, is there a toy in this house that is making you unhappy? I don't want that. Here, let me take it." And then I WOULD TAKE IT. This is the key. Take the toy immediately. Everytime. With no fanfare. Just take it.

 

I wouldn't get into who had it first and what the actual problem was. You get sucked into too much detail with that. They needed to learn that sharing is a two way street, whether it is waiting your turn if someone has it first or sharing the toy even though you had it first. I never tried to figure out if the problem was in the asking or the refusal to share. I just shut the situation down.

 

I would simply put it away for a while where no one would play with it.

 

It got to the point where as soon as they started bickering all I had to do was say "Is someone unhappy with a toy?" and they would stop immediately. They would wait a beat while trying to figure a way around it, and then come up with an equitable plan. I have to say it worked like a charm.

Edited March 16, 2011 by Home'scool

[Plucky]

My daughters are now 16 and 14' date=' but when they were young they went through the "mine" stage too.

 

I had ZERO patience for it. Ugh. The bickering! Plus I knew that selfishness was not something that I wanted tolerated.

 

So, I adopted this plan:

 

Anytime they fought over a toy, as soon as they started, I would say very calmly "Oh, is there a toy in this house that is making you unhappy? I don't want that. Here, let me take it." And then I WOULD TAKE IT. This is the key. Take the toy immediately. Everytime. With no fanfare. Just take it.

 

I would simply put it away for a while where no one would play with it.

 

It got to the point where as soon as they started bickering all I had to do was say "Is someone unhappy with a toy?" and they would stop immediately. They would wait a beat while trying to figure a way around it, and then come up with an equitable plan. I have to say it worked like a charm.[/quote']

 

I love this. I wish I'd known about this when my kids were younger.

[AK_Mom4]

We had problems with sharing toys with the big age spread, too. My 3 olders always held all the toys communally, but when toddler #4 came along, there were problems because the toddler-monster was "ruining the toys". And the older kids did have a point - she would chew on the cars and bang them around and chip the paint.

 

Your younger is a little older, so maybe he is better with them than DD was, but we had to let DS#3 have some things that baby-sis couldn't play with. Those toys were marked on the bottom and kept safe in a box under his bed.

 

But, no, DS#3 didn't get ALL the little cars. Some were still communal property (mostly the ones she had already chewed on.....). But having some that were just his and "safe" helped him feel better about the ones she was "ruining".

[fairfarmhand]

 

I would simply put it away for a while where no one would play with it.

 

It got to the point where as soon as they started bickering all I had to do was say "Is someone unhappy with a toy?" and they would stop immediately. They would wait a beat while trying to figure a way around it' date=' and then come up with an equitable plan. I have to say it worked like a charm.[/quote']

 

 

only you can say if this one will work for your kids. I have a dd who would rather NOBODY play with a toy than to have a sibling play with it.

[myfunnybunch]

We have a mix here. I think communal and personal properties are important.

 

We do too.

 

Like other posters, in our home each child has a bin for personal items. Anything not in the bins is meant to be shared. The kids do designate other little things as personal property (certain Lego guys, etc.) but as long as it's a mutual agreement, I stay out of it.

 

If they start fighting over a toy, or someone tries to control toy use, the toy goes away. I am not interested in the details of who did or had or said what. I cannot abide that behavior. That accomplishes two things: I don't have to listen to bickering (yay for me!) and it encourages everyone to negotiate instead of getting stuck on who is right and who is wrong.

 

In this case, I think You're exactly on the right track. It isn't both children fighting over the toys, it's one child trying to control the toys. Another strategy to try once he's decided to share: Give him some appropriate control by making him the "leader" and helping him come up with a plan for sharing toys. My oldest responds paricularly well to being asked to be a leader and a helper for his younger brothers.

 

Cat

[happi duck]

Yup. Our rule is "if it's not in that special bin in your bedroom, it is for everyone to play with." Each family member has a bin under the bed which holds only so much, and that is where the extra special stuff goes.

 

:iagree: