Gaaahh!!!! F.r.u.s.t.r.a.t.e.d.

[AlmiraGulch]

Earlier this week I posted here how I found out on Monday that my daughter's father has made her do next to nothing for the entire year, and we're basically starting from scratch in many subjects. Because I work full time and travel frequently for my job, and he has no job, he has been the one "in charge" of her schooling.

 

I did know that she is in danger of failing Latin (an online course) and she just kept telling me how hard it was. Her father was saying she was doing all the work just not getting good grades for whatever reason. She's also getting a B in Health, which ticks me off because really? Health is a easy A class as far as I'm concerned. Her father said she submits assignments without comparing them to the rubric and so loses easy points. I believed it.

 

Now that I'm taking back the schooling (I was the primary educator last year, to, while working and traveling, and it worked out well), today I actually looked at her grades (I cannot believe I haven't looked before....no need to bash me because I'm doing it enough myself already). The truth? She has really high marks in Latin. Primarily 90 - 100. EXCEPT when she turns stuff in late, which she apparently does ALL THE TIME!!! I'm talking 3, - 5 days late consistently. So she'll get everything right, but you only get a 50 when the instructor takes off 10 points per late day. :banghead: The exact same holds true for Health. She would have nearly a 100% average IF she turned in her work on time.

 

Will someone please explain to me why between a 50 year old man and a 14 year old girl assignments cannot get turned in on time? Particularly when she obviously understands the material?!?!?!? And especially since she hasn't done any of her other work ALL YEAR LONG??????

 

 

Please, please, please give me strength to get through this. The good news is that at least this is something I can help her with.

[AK_Mom4]

All three of my olders needed help at that age with turning the assignments in on time. They would DO the work, and then not turn it in! Grrrrrr! A little maturity helped with that issue, but in 9th grade, I was reminding them every day that "it doesn't count until it's turned in...."

 

As far as the 50yo man, you are probably on your own there....:tongue_smilie:

[AlmiraGulch]

All three of my olders needed help at that age with turning the assignments in on time. They would DO the work, and then not turn it in! Grrrrrr! A little maturity helped with that issue, but in 9th grade, I was reminding them every day that "it doesn't count until it's turned in...."

 

As far as the 50yo man, you are probably on your own there....:tongue_smilie:

 

I know, I know.....this is definitely something I can help her with. Still....WHY would she go to the trouble of doing the work and then just not turn it in? That's crazy to me. Is that normal? I know you said your kids did that (and that does make me feel better!) but do a lot of kids do the work and just not turn it in? Or have no ability to meet a deadline?

 

As for the 50 year old man....yeah....no further comment. :glare:

[Truscifi]

I know, I know.....this is definitely something I can help her with. Still....WHY would she go to the trouble of doing the work and then just not turn it in? That's crazy to me. Is that normal? I know you said your kids did that (and that does make me feel better!) but do a lot of kids do the work and just not turn it in? Or have no ability to meet a deadline?

 

As for the 50 year old man....yeah....no further comment. :glare:

 

I think it is fairly normal. I know several kids who do this. It seems to strike in the 11-15 age range, so maybe it has to do with adjusting to puberty and hormones? I remember when I was that age I would occasionally just forget to turn things in, but not with the regularity you are talking about or that I have seen with some of the kids I work with.

[Pink Fairy]

I know, I know.....this is definitely something I can help her with. Still....WHY would she go to the trouble of doing the work and then just not turn it in? That's crazy to me. Is that normal? I know you said your kids did that (and that does make me feel better!) but do a lot of kids do the work and just not turn it in? Or have no ability to meet a deadline?

 

As for the 50 year old man....yeah....no further comment. :glare:

 

My dh teaches high school social science, and you'd be surprised how common it is for kids to do the work and still not turn it in. He said he has no idea why it happens either.

[KidsHappen]

It happen because in the child's mind they have a checklist of item that need to be done. Do the homework is one item and when they are done they put a mental checklist next to that item and then forget about it. They do not put turn it in on the list so once the homework is done and it has received it's checkmark it is forgotten about.

[Night Elf]

:grouphug:

 

My dd18 is a procrastinator and self-admitted lazy student. She really doesn't care to change either. She does the work when I finally get so frustrated that I end up arguing with her. But she gets down to a few problems/questions and procrastinates leaving the assignment unfinished. Now, our school doesn't have deadlines so she doesn't get bad grades for being late, but she takes 3 and 4 weeks to complete 1 week of work. And dare I admit, sometimes longer. She took 5 weeks to write a 3-page research paper on Lewis and Clark. :001_huh:

 

The thing that upsets me most is if she just sits down and does it, she can get that same amount of work done in 2 days. I have seen her do it. So she's almost 19 years old and 4 classes away from a high school diploma and really doesn't care. She told me it shouldn't matter if she graduates at 18 or 21, she'll get it done eventually.

 

However, she is a responsible young adult in other areas of her life. She's a shift manager at her job and works full-time. I've had the owner and different managers compliment me on how awesome she is. She pays for everything she uses and feels guilty when I want to buy her things like clothes or even shampoo. She owns her car and pays for repairs (the latest was an $800 repair). She's polite, thoughtful and generous to a fault. She just doesn't believe a high school diploma is something that is necessary in her life. It's not always, I agree, as there are other options. But to be 4 classes away and not finish? Really??

 

Editing to add: Don't forget your daughter may have issues with executive functioning. I have to write Jeffrey's daily schedules that tell him exactly what to do each day. He is kind of lost without that help, though he's getting better because we've been specifically working on these issues.

Edited March 6, 2011 by Night Elf

[Renee in NC]

I think it is fairly normal. I know several kids who do this. It seems to strike in the 11-15 age range, so maybe it has to do with adjusting to puberty and hormones? I remember when I was that age I would occasionally just forget to turn things in, but not with the regularity you are talking about or that I have seen with some of the kids I work with.

 

Both of mine that are past that age have done it or are still doing it.:glare:

[regentrude]

Will someone please explain to me why between a 50 year old man and a 14 year old girl assignments cannot get turned in on time? Particularly when she obviously understands the material?!?!?!?

 

If it is of any comfort to you: I frequently have college students who pay a lot of money for their classes and who fail and have to repeat the class because they do not turn in their assignments.

There is nothing I can to do MAKE them - other than spelling out the consequences over and over and over again. Some fail the same course three times - they do well on tests but never submit their homework.

 

So, for a 14 y/o this may not be a desirable situation - but it is a very common one.

[3lilreds in NC]

I don't have kids that age yet, but my niece is the exact same way. I think she's somewhat better now, after getting horrible grades and suffering major consequences. I think she might also be on the verge of understanding that it is HER BEHAVIOR that brings on the consequences, not that she has really mean parents. :D She's in public school and has had to face that if she doesn't get her act together she may not be able to go to college.

 

Fear not, fair maiden! She will get it one of these days. Clearly it's better for you to be in charge, though. I have hope for her that she can mature and figure it out. The 50 year old dad, though, probably not. ;)

[unsinkable]

There is a good book called:

 

That Crumpled Paper Was Due Last Week -- Helping disorganized and distracted boys succeed in school and life by Ana Homayoun

 

It would work for girls, too, despite the title.

[AlmiraGulch]

It happen because in the child's mind they have a checklist of item that need to be done. Do the homework is one item and when they are done they put a mental checklist next to that item and then forget about it. They do not put turn it in on the list so once the homework is done and it has received it's checkmark it is forgotten about.

 

I hadn't even considered this but it makes perfect sense!

[AlmiraGulch]

There is a good book called:

 

That Crumpled Paper Was Due Last Week -- Helping disorganized and distracted boys succeed in school and life by Ana Homayoun

 

It would work for girls, too, despite the title.

Thanks! Going to look it up now.

[cin]

:grouphug:

 

Editing to add: Don't forget your daughter may have issues with executive functioning. I have to write Jeffrey's daily schedules that tell him exactly what to do each day. He is kind of lost without that help, though he's getting better because we've been specifically working on these issues.

 

This is a good point. My daughter has issues with this, and I forget from time-to-time. There are days that I will respond just like the OP:

 

She's also getting a B in Health, which ticks me off because really? Health is a easy A class as far as I'm concerned.

 

And then later, I realize, oh, maybe it's that Executive Dysfunction stuff. EF seems so simple to most people.

[Tarreymere]

All of mine that are 19 and older were like that. It just about killed me. I have no idea why anyone in their right mind would go to the trouble to complete an assignment and just not bother to turn it in or type it up in time. I think I have permanent teeth marks in my tongue from all of it.

[Legomom]

I am the guardian for my nephew who is 18 and a senior in high school and he does the same thing regarding completing homework and then not turning it in. It is completely bizarre and foreign to me to do that. Our piano teacher and her husband are both public school teachers and they said that kids are allowed to turn in their homework extremely late and still get credit for it. Any teachers that try and buck the system and require kids to turn the homework in on time can't succeed because (at least in our district) allowing late homework starts early in grade school.

 

Her solution is that she isn't going to allow her kids to turn in homework late, even if the teacher allows it. I like that idea, but it involves daily monitoring to make sure the kids turn in the work. Doing homework and not turning it in is something that I will never understand, so I totally sympathize. I'll look forward to seeing others' insights about this.

[LittleIzumi]

Dh schedules everything out--maybe having her put "turn in X" on her schedule, esp the day BEFORE it's due so you can go over the checklist together & make sure it's turned in the next day would help?

[ocelotmom]

I know, I know.....this is definitely something I can help her with. Still....WHY would she go to the trouble of doing the work and then just not turn it in? That's crazy to me. Is that normal? I know you said your kids did that (and that does make me feel better!) but do a lot of kids do the work and just not turn it in? Or have no ability to meet a deadline?

I think that not turning in, along with procrastination, is a manifestation of perfectionism and fear of judgement.

 

A totally illogical coping strategy, but it seems common.