Can I have some responses for family?

[amo_mea_filiis.]

I am going to pull my kids next year from regular PS to start cyber PS. I hope it will be a jumping off point to HSing them, but if cyber works, that's fine too. Family dynamics will add some serious emotional stress to all of this. So I'm wondering if everyone can give me some responses to spit out when the time comes?

 

I'm dealing with my father who has literally said "why don't you just get over yourself?" when the topic of HSing came up. I'm also dealing with a high school principal step mother who is a great debater. When you walk away from a debate (or conversation as she would call it), you realize she made no sense, had no idea what she was talking about, yet somehow still won!

 

Why can't I just leave them in normal school?

 

Why do I think I can do a better job than the trained teachers? (keep in mind that I did not teach my ds to talk, he needed speech, he has some behavioral problems, and he gets title I reading in school, so I have yet to do a "perfect" job with him)

 

Why can't anything with the kids be normal? (they both have some special needs, so they've seen their share of Drs)

 

If I can't keep my home in perfect shape, how can I expect to teach the kids?

 

I'll probably have some more as I think, if that's okay!

 

*I do realize that they can't physically get in the way of my choice with my children, but I'd sure like to have some good answers for them to think about!

 

Thanks!

[Murphy101]

I'm not sure why you have to discuss it at all.

 

I'd tell them once, smiling beamingly, "Thanks for your concern, but this is what we know is best and I'm not asking for your permission, approval, or opinion. How we raise our kids isn't open for discussion or debate from people who aren't raising them. Now. How about a slice of chocolate cake?"

 

There after, I'd stick to my guns of refusing to discuss or debate it.

 

Being passive aggressive does work sometimes.;)

 

They make comment.

 

You suddenly have to go pee, make dinner, wash your hair...

 

They make another comment.

 

Repeat above scenario an nauseum.

 

Learn not to discuss schooling. Talk about the weather, gardening.. Anything other than the kids.

[Night Elf]

*I do realize that they can't physically get in the way of my choice with my children, but I'd sure like to have some good answers for them to think about!

 

From the way you've described them, they will never listen to any reasoning other than their own. They might feel threatened that everything they know about rasiing children is different now. You cannot address those concerns as it is their problem, not yours.

 

You may have to tell them you simply won't discuss it because you know they disagree with you and no amount of discussion will change either side's strong opinion. You'll have to become a strong mama bear and not engage in their baiting of you or your children. We have an old saying on this board, "Pass the bean dip." You don't acknowledge questions, hurtful comments, or attempts to goad you into a discussion that they know they will win. You smile and "pass the bean dip", in other words, you change the subject or just get up and walk away.

 

Are you in physical contact with these people alot? That will mean you'll have to be really strong. It could be a long time before they drop it, IF they even drop it.

[Belacqua]

I agree with Martha. It sounds as if you could have the most perfectly crafted, reasonable responses in the world, and your family would either refute them or find new questions.

 

And how is getting speech therapy and reading help for your kids a negative thing? You're recognizing what your kids need and making sure they get it. Sounds to me like you're already doing a great job.

 

Good luck. Imagine the Hive all standing behind you when you have these conversations.

[amo_mea_filiis.]

Thank you for your response. Should I teach my kids to do the same? My father visits about every 3 weeks, and usually manages to throw comments around about everything. When he leaves, it takes at least a week to get dd over her attitude and start listening to ME again. I've tried having "conversations" about how he steps on my toes and to please not say things to or in front of my kids, but it doesn't even make it in his ears... it just bounces off! LOL

[Night Elf]

Thank you for your response. Should I teach my kids to do the same? My father visits about every 3 weeks, and usually manages to throw comments around about everything. When he leaves, it takes at least a week to get dd over her attitude and start listening to ME again. I've tried having "conversations" about how he steps on my toes and to please not say things to or in front of my kids, but it doesn't even make it in his ears... it just bounces off! LOL

 

Unfortunately, you've invited the problem into your home. You know how he is, you know you can't change him. You have learned to accept it and changing it is going to be really difficult. What attitude from your dd are you talking about? Is she agreeing with her grandfather and tries to carry on his feelings after he leaves? Or is she upset because she's been treated very badly and it takes a week for her to get over being humiliated and hurt?

[AK_Mom4]

I've never tried to post a link before, but here's the classic "bean dip" response....

 

http://goybparenting.com/?p=58

 

Hope I did that right. This has been very helpful to me in dealing with relatives who questioned our homeschooling decisions.

 

And, in case it helps, having a perfectly clean house is NOT a requirement for successful homeschooling. An open spot on the couch, a sort-of clear spot on the kitchen table, and a willing heart are the main requirements at our house!

[FloridaLisa]

You need to get the book Boundaries and read it. You do not want to look back in 20 years and wish you had shaped your family around your values, rather than succumbing to those of your parents.

 

Lisa

[laundrycrisis]

This really doesn't have anything to do with homeschooling - it's about you being able to set healthy boundaries with your relatives. The homeschooling issue has provided you with an opportunity to finally do that. Tell them it is not open for discussion, and that if they don't have anything supportive to say, to not bring it up. If they refuse to do that, cut off all contact until they agree to treat you with the respect you are entitled to as the parent of your own children.

[12Stars]

:iagree:

Ultimately they will see that your children will benefit from being home with you. It took my IL's a few years to accept our decision to homeschool. Now they see the fruits of our labor. They are more supportive and glad we took on this endeavor. Initially like the others said I was passive aggressive and it was not up for debate they got the picture fairly quickly.

[Murphy101]

Thank you for your response. Should I teach my kids to do the same? My father visits about every 3 weeks, and usually manages to throw comments around about everything. When he leaves, it takes at least a week to get dd over her attitude and start listening to ME again. I've tried having "conversations" about how he steps on my toes and to please not say things to or in front of my kids, but it doesn't even make it in his ears... it just bounces off! LOL

 

Yes, I would teach my kids to do the same and I would assist by stepping in.

 

Df starts to comment to dd.

 

I respond that dd needs to go do whatever.

 

Df makes comment to dd.

 

I respond that he doesn't get a vote in how I parent and dd is going to go play whatever.

 

Df makes a comment.

 

Oh we suddenly need to go... See you later dad.

 

If it started to feel like the only reason he came by was to be rude and critical, I'd point blank say that I didn't know why he came to visit just to complain about how *I* am raising my family especially as it isn't as though he is some all knowing perfect parent himself. (bc I'm pretty sure he isn't and wouldn't care to have you complain about his parenting) Now would he like a slice of chocolate cake or help packing?

 

Seriously. I have a rather short fuse for being I insulted in my own home.

[Garga]

No debating. Just tell them the news and refuse to talk about it. You can nicely say that you know they don't agree, but that you've made the decision.

 

I remember trying to talk with our friends (who happen to be the principals of a private school) about our homeschooling and I just ended up feeling horribly icky when it was all done. I was so sure that if I just explained it to them, they would understand. They didn't. They weren't mean, but we had no meeting of the minds as I'd hoped. My words were pointless as I wasn't convincing them of anything. Their words were pointless as they weren't convincing me of anything. The whole exchange did nothing but make us all feel a little icky.

 

I learned through that to follow the wisdom of the hive, which is do NOT engage the naysayers in debates about homeschooling.

 

Just let them wait and see the results. They may or may not ever come to accept your homeschooling of the kids, but there's no point in arguing. You're going to do it either way and debating about it just makes everyone feel icky.

 

If they really want to know about homeschooling, maybe someone on this thread will recommend some books they can read to learn more about it on their own time. If they don't care to read the books, then anything you say won't make any sense to them anyway.

Edited February 13, 2011 by Garga

[tantechell]

:iagree:I think everyone who reponded so far has been perfectly correct.

Sometimes "family" like that is not interested in your reasons..they want to control your decisions.

and you may really have to cut ties with those who instist on pushing their opinion. My mom is like that, I had to tell her to butt out-but she doesn't even hear me like sh'e trying to turn kids against me.. so we don't see my mom that often. and she knows why. sad but neccessary.

[jelbe5]

Thank you for your response. Should I teach my kids to do the same? My father visits about every 3 weeks, and usually manages to throw comments around about everything. When he leaves, it takes at least a week to get dd over her attitude and start listening to ME again. I've tried having "conversations" about how he steps on my toes and to please not say things to or in front of my kids, but it doesn't even make it in his ears... it just bounces off! LOL

 

It might be time to put distance between you and your father, especially when he disregards your requests and you have to "undo" his influence. Trust me, you will soon be too busy homeschooling to have toxic people over!:lol:

 

Consider getting together with family on your terms - perhaps for park days or field trips. My family has been (thankfully) pretty neutral on our decision to homeschool. They have kept their opinions to themselves. They do, however, love getting together with us for trips to the forest preserve, parks and museums. Then they are able to share in some of our educational activities and we build fun family memories. When my parents have witnessed the sometimes out-of-control traditional school groups on our little field trips I think they realize that what our family is doing is working rather well!

 

Adrianne in IL

[amo_mea_filiis.]

I've managed to become a pretty decent advocate with regards to schools and Drs, so I guess it's time to stand up to my family.

 

Thankfully, we live 3 hours apart, but when he visits it's an overnight affair!

 

It may also be time to toss ds's behavior therapist who doesn't like to accept parent opinions.

 

Thank you for all the wonderful responses! I'm gonna need a LOT of dip! LOL

[amo_mea_filiis.]

And yes, you're right that this isn't about HSing. It's about every decision I make being wrong. This is one of the reasons I chose to move 3 hours away when the opportunity arose.

[Parrothead]

 

Why can't I just leave them in normal school?

Because we have decided not to. Thank you for your concern. Please pass the bean dip.

 

Why do I think I can do a better job than the trained teachers? (keep in mind that I did not teach my ds to talk, he needed speech, he has some behavioral problems, and he gets title I reading in school, so I have yet to do a "perfect" job with him)

Yes. Please pass the bean dip.

 

Why can't anything with the kids be normal? (they both have some special needs, so they've seen their share of Drs)

Because they are unique individuals. Please pass the bean dip.

 

If I can't keep my home in perfect shape, how can I expect to teach the kids?

One has nothing to do with the other. Please pass the bean dip. OR Since you are so uncomfortable in my house I'll walk you to the door.

 

 

I don't know the dynamics of your family. Is your husband around during all of these conversations? If he is why isn't he standing up and demanding a bit of respect for his wife and himself? If he isn't around he really needs to make himself available.

 

Your father and his wife need to butt out. You need to tell them to butt out in no uncertain terms. You deserve much more respect in your own home and as the parent of your children.

 

I know it is hard (I had to grow my own backbone) but you are going to have to kick these people the curb if they continue to disrespect you in such a manner. Become unavailable for visits, refuse to discuss your parenting choices. If it turns out that your parent can't live with the new rules it might be best to severely limit contact with him and his wife.

[Parrothead]

 

It may also be time to toss ds's behavior therapist who doesn't like to accept parent opinions.

 

 

That sounds like a bad fit for you and your son. Find a new one.

[Emmy]

If you really want to provide them with a viewpoint I'd maybe consider giving them a copy of The Well Trained Mind but honestly I wouldn't enter into debate about it. Other than that, a simple - I don't plan to debate this with you, it's my (our) decision - is far more effective than the bean dip response IMO.

[jelbe5]

:iagree:

 

A therapist who is not willing to be your partner is no good. Kick this person to the curb, too.

 

Adrianne in IL

[amo_mea_filiis.]

I don't know the dynamics of your family. Is your husband around during all of these conversations? If he is why isn't he standing up and demanding a bit of respect for his wife and himself? If he isn't around he really needs to make himself available.

 

 

 

I'm single, which is of course a whole 'nother issue with my family!

[kalanamak]

I am going to pull my kids next year from regular PS to start cyber PS. I hope it will be a jumping off point to HSing them, but if cyber works, that's fine too. Family dynamics will add some serious emotional stress to all of this. So I'm wondering if everyone can give me some responses to spit out when the time comes?

 

I'm dealing with my father who has literally said "why don't you just get over yourself?" when the topic of HSing came up.

 

Over and over we have learned here that it is best to nip this in the bud. It is hard to change the way you talk to your family, but think of it as "doing it for your kids". Change the subject. If they refuse to let it drop, tell them you are leaving if this doesn't stop and LEAVE. They will get the message.

 

Hey, this may be a great moment to make your whole life better by changing these stressful dynamics. They don't want to convince you not to hs.... they want to conquer or control. Step away and bring up something pleasant. If they can't pick up the pleasant topic (and, sorrowfully, some people can't) leave. They will either learn to curb their tongue or reject you, but, as a hs mother you will be TOO BUSY for bunk.

 

:grouphug:

[Parrothead]

I'm single, which is of course a whole 'nother issue with my family!

Okay. If your marital status is yet another issue, it sounds like you're going to have to have an all out rearrangement of dynamics. Is there a friend close by that can *happen to be visiting* to provide you with moral support?

[Tullia]

I agree with previous posters that looks like a boundary issue, and may well be about more than homeschooling per se. But here may also be a secondary thread of genuine concern running through this under the surface; some people (especially people who work in public schools) see homeschooling as a threat. So that's not surprising--your SM is probably sincere in her opinions--sincerely wrong, IMO, but sincere. She's entitled to her opinion, but not to interfere with your choices.

 

Sometimes parents wonder if your choice is a reflection on their own choices as parents. My father was and is one of our home schools biggest fans, but he did wonder if our choice to homeschool was a reflection on my own school experience--and by extension his choices and parenting. I assured him that it was not about me but about the situation we were facing about schools.

 

Even so, many people have been completely indoctrinated and socialized (maybe even victimized) into believing that group schools are the only valid route to an education. Some people just can't wrap their minds around the idea of taking on the responsibility and can't imagine doing something so very important without the guidance of "professionals". I had a dear friend who supported our hs'ing in theory, but fretted about the fact that hs'ers aren't bound by expert guidance. She came of age in the 1950's, and she believed in the establishment with all her heart; kwim? I regret that she passed away before my son started college--it would have eased her concerns.

 

As for the housekeeping...sounds like there's definitely a boundary issue with that, but only you know if they might have a point. I have family members for whom a messy house is indicative of profound moral failings. So, when hsing added to our household clutter I heard some negative remarks which really annoyed me. :glare:

 

That said, hs'ing does involve adding clutter to your routine--good creative clutter to be sure but even the good kind can eventually become stress inducing. My suggestion: set your own standards for how your family wants to live in your home, and come up with a system to make keeping house plus hs'ing as stress-free as possible. Involve the dc with rotating responsibilities and periodic quick cleanups during the day. I called it Home Economics. ;)

 

The proof of the pudding is in the eating, as the saying goes. Many grandparents and relatives turn from skeptics into ardent hs fans. Some time-tested strategies that work are inviting grandparents on field trips or having your students write and publish a newsletter from time to time to share with grandparents. However, that usually works best if the relationship with family is basically good but they are unsure about the idea of hs'ing. Either way, establishing and guarding boundaries is a good thing.

 

Anyhow, I wish you well. I have lots of teachers in my family; there were times when going to a family reunion was like walking through a minefield. --Martha (in NM)

 

ETA: Saw your subsequent posts about moving away because of the other issues. Even if your father and SM have genuine concerns, they're crossing a line. If you don't want to totally cut off contact with your father do let him know that he's welcome, but that criticizing you and undermining your authority is not acceptable.

Edited February 13, 2011 by Martha in NM

[amo_mea_filiis.]

I have to say that I am amazed at the support on this board, and love it!

 

Thanks sooooo much.

 

This is going to be kept a "secret" until the kids are registered, this way there is no decision debate. Just that the kids ARE attending connections academy, already registered, and school starts on x day.

 

I've been working with dd on some responses to people, especially family. This is also one of the times I'm thankful for ds's language delay! LOL. His standard response to all questions is "I don't know" or "I forgot".

 

Getting my father involved with some field trips sounds like a great idea! As for the SM; she has her school to run, I have kids to raise.

[amo_mea_filiis.]

Okay. If your marital status is yet another issue, it sounds like you're going to have to have an all out rearrangement of dynamics. Is there a friend close by that can *happen to be visiting* to provide you with moral support?

 

I decided to call my neighbor who has gone through every educational system with his 2 kids; HSing, PS, cyber school, etc. His oldest is an honor student at a private boarding school (high school), and his younger is 1/2 private cyber (same one we're going to use) and 1/2 HmSc. He's also my father's age.

 

He said he would love to have dinner with us on that night. This isn't going to happen until June-ish, when the kids are registered and tested. Neighbor is also very mellow and laid back, so hopefully can help keep the mood positive. Before "the meeting" he wants details of my kids placements (which is fine by me) so he has info specific to us.

 

After "the meeting" I will not allow any debate over this. Either be supportive, or be mute!

Edited February 14, 2011 by amo_mea_filiis
spelling

[NanceXToo]

Just another I agree with Martha here. If these were open minded people who just had some mild concerns you wanted to set their minds at ease about and then everything would be great, I would have offered up some other ideas.

But the way you described these people, it sounds like you are better off not discussing it at all other than "this is a choice we feel is best for our family. It is not open for debate or discussion."