Non-Religious Moms, dealing with fears of death.

[NanceXToo]

What do YOU say/do to comfort a child or to help ease those fears that crop up now and then about dying?

 

If you're religious you can talk about how the child will go to Heaven/be with God and so on and so forth, and maybe that would be of some comfort to some children, but what if you're not?

[Carrie12345]

Call me a hypocrite, but I do sneak a dash of heaven-talk into my conversations with my kids. The main point I try to drive home is the "Loved One is always with us in our hearts", but I feel that the concept of heaven gives them, especially at young ages, an extra measure of comfort when it comes to a very upsetting topic.

It doesn't appear to have caused any problem or confusion with ds12, who pretty much figured it out on his own as time went on.

[laundrycrisis]

I consider myself to be "spiritual" but not religious. I don't truly know anything definitive about what happens to a soul or a consciousness after death occurs, so I don't want to tell our children anything definitive. I do feel strongly that we inhabit our bodies while we are here, and so I feel comfortable describing death as "he/she/it doesn't live in its body anymore". When they ask questions about what happens or doesn't happen after death, I answer that we can't know for sure, and that people believe different things. I've offered them various beliefs and they can choose what works for them. I have a beautiful and non-specific book called "The Next Place". It's comforting in a new age sort of way without any specifics.

[sparrow]

Call me a hypocrite, but I do sneak a dash of heaven-talk into my conversations with my kids. The main point I try to drive home is the "Loved One is always with us in our hearts", but I feel that the concept of heaven gives them, especially at young ages, an extra measure of comfort when it comes to a very upsetting topic.

It doesn't appear to have caused any problem or confusion with ds12, who pretty much figured it out on his own as time went on.

 

:iagree:We've used the same idea here. My son has always been more spiritual and naturally seems led that way. My daughter questions the concept of heaven more and has had more fear about death, consequently.

[Mejane]

We have talked about how we live on in the memories of those who loved us, and how love doesn't die even if the body does. We talk about their grandparents who have passed and keep their memories alive. Now that they're older, they understand the laws of physics and that energy is constant, and we believe our spiritual energy is united with all the energy in the universe. The idea of dying used to terrify me, until I started thinking of it as going to sleep at night. We don't remember falling asleep; we just wake up in the morning. In death, we just don't wake up.

 

Fwiw, while I'm not supernatural-minded, I will call on my mom and dad to watch over and protect my kids when they're away from me, and I've told them if there's a way I will always be around them when I'm gone - to call on me if they need me. I don't think any of us really believe it, but it can't hurt, right? ;)

[NanceXToo]

Thanks for that book recommendation! I just ordered it from Interlibrary Loan so I can check it out.

 

I have given my daughter the "some people believe this, some people believe that" talk. I've given her the "you're very young and this is not likely to happen for a VERY long time" talk. I've given her the "by the time people are very old it doesn't bother them anymore the way it does someone who is young" talk. I've given her the "you should think about something else, you are alive and there's no use in spending your life worrying or being upset about something that hasn't happened yet and shouldn't happen for a very long time" talk.

 

Usually she's fine or the conversations are fleeting and/or far and few in between. But sometimes she gets really hung up on the "I don't want to die" <cry> kind of thing and how it's hard not to think about at night and so on. And I can remember doing the same thing when I was a kid. Heck, even from time to time as an adult although I've gotten better about putting it firmly out of my mind. I wish there were some magical words of comfort but I guess there aren't, really. It's just one of those facts of life that everyone has to come to terms with one way or another.

 

It sure is hard, though. I'd rather talk about sex all day long than to have to have even one conversation with a child about death. Sigh.

Edited January 9, 2011 by NanceXToo
typo

[prairie rose]

I just tell them they have tons of time left in their lives to enjoy so worrying about dying, which when the time comes they can't prevent, is not going to make their life enjoyable. It's like watching a bowl of ice cream melt in front of you because you're afraid if you eat it because then it will be gone. It's much more fun to eat the ice cream and hope you'll get another bowl. ;) We have a saying, that we actually got from a Garfield cartoon, that comes in handy when these conversations come up. No sense in worrying about the things you can't change, because they are just going to happen anyways and no sense in worrying about the things you can change because you can do what it takes to make the change.

 

One of my kids was very very worried about the doomsday predictions for 2012. Together, we researched all the doomsday predictions that have come and gone and we are all still here. It really helped him see that no one really knows how or when the world will end or if it will at all. He has a strong sense of logic though. I have another child who is much more, spiritual I guess you'd say. Even though I was not raised religiously and I have not raised my children that way, I've still had them read Bible stories and listen to the beliefs of others because I believe that is necessary to be educated. This child I believe will probably be a church goer someday. Anyways, with her, since she likes the idea of a god and heaven, we do talk about how even if the world ends tomorrow, she can look forward to heaven.

[NanceXToo]

I just tell them they have tons of time left in their lives to enjoy so worrying about dying, which when the time comes they can't prevent, is not going to make their life enjoyable. It's like watching a bowl of ice cream melt in front of you because you're afraid if you eat it because then it will be gone. It's much more fun to eat the ice cream and hope you'll get another bowl.

 

I love this analogy!

[JennyD]

I wish there were some magical words of comfort but I guess there aren't, really. It's just one of those facts of life that everyone has to come to term with one way or another.

 

 

I think that this is exactly right.

[Night Elf]

I had to contend with the 'fire and brimstone' vision thanks to a little girl who told my dd that the choice was either be saved and live in heaven as an angel or be tortured forever in hell. I explain to my children that if you don't believe in heaven or hell, how can you be afraid of it? I have no idea what happens after death but I refuse to believe it's bad like being tortured for eternity. That is something only man's ugly mind can make up. I share my vision that this life is an adventure and I believe whatever comes next is just another adventure. I also believe that if there really is a God who is all-loving and all-forgiving, then I can't imagine him dooming a soul to eternal torture simply for not believing in heaven/hell. It seems petty and that can't describe someone as glorious as people describe God. So far my children are content with that and haven't asked anything else.

[SailorMom]

I'm not "religious" but do believe in God - there is a big difference :)

I tell my kids what I believe, that God has always done a really good job of taking care of us here, so even though we may not know and understand what comes next - why should we worry?

[Storm Bay]

. I've given her the "by the time people are very old it doesn't bother them anymore the way it does someone who is young" talk. I've given her the "you should think about something else, you are alive and there's no use in spending your life worrying or being upset about something that hasn't happened yet and shouldn't happen for a very long time" talk.

 

.

 

Actually, it depends on the very old person. Some people question this all of their lives, and some don't.

[kalanamak]

What do YOU say/do to comfort a child or to help ease those fears that crop up now and then about dying?

 

If you're religious you can talk about how the child will go to Heaven/be with God and so on and so forth, and maybe that would be of some comfort to some children, but what if you're not?

 

I talk gently about how it is the nature of things, that we are all part of a huge system, so big our minds can't really grasp it. I also tell my son that as we get older, more and more things we love and remember change, and that death loses its fearfulness. That accepting it is just one more thing a child learns. Then I see him set his brow and think. He is churning it through into the "accept" pile in his mind. :)

 

I've also old him, over and over, when he was little, that being dead does not hurt, it is not a punishment, and that I do not fear death, nor worry about it. I am glad the world is the way it is, and death is part of it.

[freethinkermama]

I talk gently about how it is the nature of things, that we are all part of a huge system, so big our minds can't really grasp it. I also tell my son that as we get older, more and more things we love and remember change, and that death loses its fearfulness. That accepting it is just one more thing a child learns. Then I see him set his brow and think. He is churning it through into the "accept" pile in his mind. :)

 

I've also old him, over and over, when he was little, that being dead does not hurt, it is not a punishment, and that I do not fear death, nor worry about it. I am glad the world is the way it is, and death is part of it.

 

This is very nice. I try to focus on the nature of everything when I consider my own mortality. When my children ask me about after death, or about heaven, I tell them it's a nice thought, in some respects (certainly not all) but I don't know if it's true.

 

What helped me deal with death, and the fact that I really don't truly believe in "life after death" anymore, is something I heard attributed to the Dalai Lama (though I can't seem to find it now). It went _something_ like this. "You were not sad before you were born. You will not be sad after you die."

 

I love Dawkin's video on YouTube. "This is the afterlife." It's almost meditative.

 

I hope this helps in some way.

[Rivka]

I like to think about it two ways.

 

Every atom in my body was once part of ancient stars. I was part of the universe for billions of years before my components came together to make me, and in the same way I will be part of the universe long after my death. Matter and energy cannot be destroyed, so nothing is lost.

 

The world will be different forever because I was here. The people I've loved, helped, and taught are different because of me. My ideas have sparked other ideas. This spreads outward like ripples on a pond. It will still be working through the world long after no one remembers my name anymore.

[PiCO]

What do YOU say/do to comfort a child or to help ease those fears that crop up now and then about dying?

 

If you're religious you can talk about how the child will go to Heaven/be with God and so on and so forth, and maybe that would be of some comfort to some children, but what if you're not?

 

I deal with this a couple different ways. One is the "Circle of Life"- the sun comes up and goes down, people are born and they die.

 

The second is "Our Ancestors Live Through Us"- we talk about ways they are like their father (who died 5+ years ago,) and their grandmother (who died last summer.) Their other grandmother died before they were born, and we talk the same way about her.

 

Neither of my dds seem to want a spiritual solution to death, so we don't go there for us. However, I do talk about what others believe to help them deal with people saying stuff like, "Your father is watching over you..."

 

We also discuss people who think we are going to burn in hell for not believing what they do.

[NanceXToo]

Actually, it depends on the very old person. Some people question this all of their lives, and some don't.

 

I know that. But I'd rather tell her that it's not going to bother her so much then, then to tell her "well you might be one of the old people who it DOES bother..."

 

I was trying to make her feel better about this lol.

[Audrey]

Thanks for that book recommendation! I just ordered it from Interlibrary Loan so I can check it out.

 

I have given my daughter the "some people believe this, some people believe that" talk. I've given her the "you're very young and this is not likely to happen for a VERY long time" talk. I've given her the "by the time people are very old it doesn't bother them anymore the way it does someone who is young" talk. I've given her the "you should think about something else, you are alive and there's no use in spending your life worrying or being upset about something that hasn't happened yet and shouldn't happen for a very long time" talk.

 

Usually she's fine or the conversations are fleeting and/or far and few in between. But sometimes she gets really hung up on the "I don't want to die" <cry> kind of thing and how it's hard not to think about at night and so on. And I can remember doing the same thing when I was a kid. Heck, even from time to time as an adult although I've gotten better about putting it firmly out of my mind. I wish there were some magical words of comfort but I guess there aren't, really. It's just one of those facts of life that everyone has to come to terms with one way or another.

 

It sure is hard, though. I'd rather talk about sex all day long than to have to have even one conversation with a child about death. Sigh.

 

 

We've had a few deaths in the family in the past 6 years, so I've had to have these discussion with ds too many times. I have said "this is what some believe....", but I've also been very honest about what I believe. Ds doesn't seem to care what others believe, but I want him to know for his own frame of reference, so that he has the freedom to develop his own belief on it. I don't want him to be "fed" an answer as if it were truth. I think that's unethical (in my ethical system, it is).

 

What I told him that *I* believe is that the body dies and if buried will eventually become part of the Earth again through decomposition. Everyone must die. That is the only real rule of being a life form. In the cases of the loved ones we've lost, they were all ill for a long time. I told ds that now that their body has died, they no longer have the pain they suffered from their illness, which, in at least one case, one could say was a positive thing for that person. I told him that I believe people's spirits can only live on in our memories and in our hearts, and that their legacy (what they have done during their lives) can live on even longer, whether in the children they had, or the farm they tended, or simply the love they gave.

 

When my dad died, ds said he hoped that his g-pa was with his wife (my mom, who died long before ds was born). I don't know if he still believes this or not, but I'm not going to argue. I think that people need to have some kind of "explanation" to help them through the grief of losing a loved one, and whatever that might be is fine for them.

 

I let him know that I don't fear death. It will come when it comes, but hopefully not until I'm quite old. But, it is what it is -- a part of life. There isn't anything supernatural about it. There isn't anything punitive about it. The cosmos has been spinning for longer than our minds can grasp, and will go on spinning even longer than that. We have a short time to enjoy the life we have, so I don't spend time worrying about death.

Edited January 9, 2011 by Audrey

[Storm Bay]

I know that. But I'd rather tell her that it's not going to bother her so much then, then to tell her "well you might be one of the old people who it DOES bother..."

 

I was trying to make her feel better about this lol.

Right, I know:001_smile:, but since I'm one of those who has always thought a lot about these kinds of issues (where life came from, what happens later, etc) that was the first thing I thought of; I'd have wanted to know more even when I was very little. It's siblings of mine that deal with this issue from a non-religious, non-spritual POV, but I have had to answer questions about no consciousness in death and when people talk about dead relatives watching over people, because we don't believe that people are alive without bodies, nor do we believe in reincanation.

 

Ultimately our dc have to decide for themselves what they do or don't believe, and the question is a tough one:).

[~cindy~]

I talk to my kids about the importance of life and how precious it is...it is not to be wasted and that they need to make their lives worthwhile because in the end we all die :). I'm a realist...I don't sugarcoat.

 

Pretty much like Pico :) These are things we talk about when it comes up too:) Sorry I forgot to quote so I will bold what Pico said:)

 

I deal with this a couple different ways. One is the "Circle of Life"- the sun comes up and goes down, people are born and they die.

 

The second is "Our Ancestors Live Through Us"- we talk about ways they are like their father (who died 5+ years ago,) and their grandmother (who died last summer.) Their other grandmother died before they were born, and we talk the same way about her.

Edited January 10, 2011 by ~cindy~