s/o I love my husband dearly...When he spends money you don't want spent?

[rwjx2khsmj]

Each and every year my dh threatens to buy an expensive gift for me for for Christmas. To me expensive is more than $100.

 

The thing is, our money is budgeted. I'd much rather have a 3-6 month emergency fund and every $$ named than have any other thing dh could buy me. Also, I'm in charge of the finances, so unless he withdraws a chunk of cash, I'm going to know what he bought before Christmas.

 

This year I know dh really wants me to have a laptop. I don't want a laptop for a variety of reasons (cost, lack of need, other things I'd rather do with $$, etc.) but he's probably going to get me one anyway and I'll know when he does because it'll show up on the debit card.

 

I know I sound ungrateful and there is no one IRL that I'd express these feelings to but I just wanted to see if I was alone.

 

Is there anyone out there that would rather NOT get an expensive gift for Christmas?

[3littlekeets]

It seems to be that spending $$ is one of the ways that your husband shows love. He isn't doing it to frustrate or annoy you...no matter how much it does;).

 

So, I'd simply figure out what you really want that costs that much and start ooohing and ahhhhing over it. Personally, I have found this the best way to deal with it.

 

DH desperately needs to spend to show he loves me. In the past, he has gotten things he'd love:glare:, not because he was selfish, but because I never let him know. Then, after a holiday, I'd be annoyed, and he'd consider me ungrateful.

 

This past year, I have gotten a large Fracas set ($100.00 perfume), and a gorgeous Kate Spade bag, and a Tiffany & Co. sterling silver ring. I'm still not happy he is spending the money, but it is much easier to deal with :lol:.

[rwjx2khsmj]

So, I'd simply figure out what you really want that costs that much and start ooohing and ahhhhing over it. Personally, I have found this the best way to deal with it.

 

I'm guessing a certificate of deposit won't work. :tongue_smilie:

[Woodland_Mom]

You're worth it, aren't you? ! :lol:

 

I agree with the previous poster. If you truly don't want a laptop, then think of something else you'd enjoy having. Allow your husband the pleasure in indulging you and showering you with a gift as a token of his love. It sounds like he'd like to communicate to you that you deserve to have some nice things -- even if the finances are tight.

 

My husband got me an expensive purse for my birthday last year --one that I would NEVER have purchased because it was so expensive. When I told him that I felt like I shouldn't keep it, he insisted that I did. In fact, he was a tiny bit offended that I was "rejecting" the gift. Long story short: I kept the purse and have enjoyed it immensely--especially because I know my hubby took time to pick it out.

 

Enjoy the things your husband gives you! At least he doesn't forget you on special occasions!

[rwjx2khsmj]

You're worth it, aren't you? ! :lol:

 

I agree with the previous poster. If you truly don't want a laptop, then think of something else you'd enjoy having. Allow your husband the pleasure in indulging you and showering you with a gift as a token of his love.

 

Enjoy the things your husband gives you! At least he doesn't forget you on special occasions!

 

You know, this is just it. He does want to give me nice things now, he's not a saver. I'd rather save the money and take our dream trip to Hawaii or Europe or where ever.

 

I struggle because each of these gifts that I don't want/need take us a step further from something we BOTH could enjoy.

 

Why oh why do opposites attract?!

[DawnM]

As soon as DH asked me to take the Crown Financial class at church I resisted! He took it alone first. I finally gave in and took it.

 

We now teach it!

 

Honestly, the best way to avoid situations like this (spending this would stress me out and I wouldn't enjoy the item anyway) is to be on the same page about money.

 

My husband and I have decided that Christmas is all about the kids and when we need/want something, we discuss it and then buy it if we feel we have the money and need it.

 

Dawn

[rwjx2khsmj]

Honestly, the best way to avoid situations like this (spending this would stress me out and I wouldn't enjoy the item anyway) is to be on the same page about money.

 

My husband and I have decided that Christmas is all about the kids and when we need/want something, we discuss it and then buy it if we feel we have the money and need it.

 

:iagree:This is us 363 days a year, then there are those two days...Christmas and my birthday.

[Peela]

In a way it's just a different way of dealing with finances. He might feel you are a little tight with them, not enjoying today at the expense of tomorrow. I tihnk most marriages have one person who is the saver and one who is the spender, more or less. He wants to use what is after all his money too, on you. It makes him feel good. I agree to find something you want more than a laptop and put that out there for him to get.

 

My dh and I have separate money as well as together money, so the issue doesn't come us as much- not for gifts, anyway. He tends to buy me much more expensive gifts than I get him, though.

However at the moment we are both being very tight with the together money as finances are scarcer than normal. So...since i have more money saved (in my separate account) than him....he is trying to spend MY money on ME- as in, he knows I want an Apple comptuer so he keeps trying to buy me one- with my money. And I dont have quite enough money saved for it, so some would have to come out of savings. But he WANTS to buy one for me! So I have to be very firm....not yet! It doesn't stop him spending hours on ebay and the Apple site looking for bargains though, and telling me when they come up, trying to hook me in!

[kmacnchs]

ME!

 

My dh knows how I feel but giving gifts is his #1 love language so I just have to let him and work on my sincere thanks when he spends $$$ on things I don't need that will never be used :glare:

 

what's more important? dh or $? (not meaning to sound snippy, just saying, that's how I have to think about it)

[DawnM]

Yes, but the way I look at it, you will spend those 363 days "fixing" those two days. It isn't worth it. Plus for us (cc here) it is about the way God intends us to spend our money.

 

Dawn

 

:iagree:This is us 363 days a year, then there are those two days...Christmas and my birthday.

[datgh]

You are not alone! I take care of the finances for the family and have a budget for Christmas. My husband always goes overboard. I know he does it because he loves me but I'm the one who has to deal with the aftermath and try and squeeze the money out of the budget when the bill comes in. It is hard sometimes to enjoy the gift when you don't have the $ especially if it is something I really didn't want. (We won't discuss the weed wacker that is so heavy I can barely lift it. What I really wanted was a good pair of pruning shears that year!:glare:)

[Catwoman]

I don't want a laptop for a variety of reasons (cost, lack of need, other things I'd rather do with $$, etc.) but he's probably going to get me one anyway and I'll know when he does because it'll show up on the debit card.

 

I don't think you sound ungrateful at all; I think you sound sensible.

 

We are very blessed to be able to afford to buy pretty much whatever we want, but if money was tight, the last thing I'd want would be an expensive gift. I'd be too busy thinking about how I could use it to pay a bill or save for an emergency, or whatever. I can't stand being in any debt, so if I owed any money at all, I'd be more concerned with paying it off than with spending even more. (So basically, I am extravagant, yet cheap. ;))

 

Is there anything you want for Christmas that would also fill a need for you? If you don't need the laptop, maybe there's something more practical that you'd be glad to get (and that might also cost less money, so you'd feel more comfortable about the expenditure.)

 

It's really nice that your dh wants to get you a great gift, and I'm sure you'll act happy to get it on Christmas morning, but if there's something else you really need, you could say that you originally thought you'd want something like a new laptop, but now that you've thought it over, [insert alternate item here] would be a better choice this year.

 

It might work...

 

Cat

[rwjx2khsmj]

I don't think you sound ungrateful at all; I think you sound sensible.

 

We are very blessed to be able to afford to buy pretty much whatever we want, but if money was tight, the last thing I'd want would be an expensive gift. I'd be too busy thinking about how I could use it to pay a bill or save for an emergency, or whatever. I can't stand being in any debt, so if I owed any money at all, I'd be more concerned with paying it off than with spending even more. (So basically, I am extravagant, yet cheap. ;))

 

Is there anything you want for Christmas that would also fill a need for you? If you don't need the laptop, maybe there's something more practical that you'd be glad to get (and that might also cost less money, so you'd feel more comfortable about the expenditure.)

 

It's really nice that your dh wants to get you a great gift, and I'm sure you'll act happy to get it on Christmas morning, but if there's something else you really need, you could say that you originally thought you'd want something like a new laptop, but now that you've thought it over, [insert alternate item here] would be a better choice this year.

 

It might work...

 

Cat

 

Thanks! I like that extravagant but cheap.

 

Finding something else would be the second part of the problem this year. We are getting ready to move. The packers are coming the day after Christmas. The thought of bringing one.more.thing. into this house is driving me nuts.

 

Really, I just want to go to Hawaii or Europe in March...

[Rosie_0801]

Really, I just want to go to Hawaii or Europe in March...

 

Is that hundred he spends going to prevent you going?

 

Ask him for something you can use on your holidays, entrance tickets to somewhere completely overpriced that you want to go to anyway, tickets to the theatre, to stay somewhere way nicer while you are in a certain town (like a castle instead of the YHA ;) ) but make it something he can book now, if possible. If he can't, ask for a scrapbook made of the brochures of the expensive places he's going to take you, so you can drool over them until March. I really recommend using the word "drool" too. Maybe it is just my hubby, but that phrase is a real ego stroker (which makes it easier for him to give you what you want.) "Drool" doesn't do so much for me, so maybe it is just him... :P

 

Rosie

Edited December 20, 2010 by Rosie_0801

[QueenCat]

If it means that much to him, try to budget it in the future. Set aside some each month, then it's there. Since it makes him feel so good, and it sounds like it does, and it doesn't interfere with food, shelter or other needs, I'd probably cave on this one. This is from a been there, done that position.

[Parrothead]

Let the man buy you a gift. Be happy that he is trying to get you something nice. If you don't want or need a laptop, steer him in the direction you'd like him to go in. If he wants to spoil his wife just a bit then that is his prerogative.

[StephanieZ]

It could be worse. . . One of my best friends has a husband who loves cars. . . He keeps trying to buy her a new one. . . and is insisting they go by the BMW dealership Wednesday. LOL, she really doesn't want a new car. But, this is his 'one thing' and she's learned not to tell him no about cars.

[Liz CA]

I am a saver married to a spender.

We decide before Christmas how much we spend on ds and each other and friends.

We shop together except for each other of course and try to stick to the budget.

Would you feel better if you both decided $100.00 each was the limit and he'd have to stay within the $100? He can still get a few nice things or one really nice thing and you won't have to hyperventilate and worry to look at the account statement. You may have to go and spend $100.00 on him too...don't let it hurt you too much.

[Rosy]

If he hasn't already bought it, I would consider bypassing the hint-dropping and go straight to the "you know what I would really love this year? A Kindle," or something like that, and suggest items that cost enough to satisfy him but would also be practical, or something you want more than a laptop. I think some people just really feel like they need to spend a certain amt of $$, for whatever reason. You're probably not going to change his mind in 6 days, so for this year I'd just go with it and do your best to adjust the budget in other areas to make up for it.

 

My DH is the same way. He got me a $200 spa package one year, to me that is the biggest waste of money ever. I tried to tell him for the longest time that I thought it was too expensive, it fell on deaf ears. Then I started to say things like, "I could handle that amount of money, but my preference would be a new set of pots and pans or camera gear." That worked a little better for him. This year I'm having to beg him not to spend money on me, since we got a new TV for the family and then had the transmission go out 3 weeks later. :P

 

If you can strategize a little, you might even be able to steer him toward something that's already in the budget--a winter coat or whatever.

 

Honestly, the best way to avoid situations like this (spending this would stress me out and I wouldn't enjoy the item anyway) is to be on the same page about money.

 

I'm not intending this rudely, but for some of us it just isn't that simple. I finally had to realize that I can't make my DH approach money the way I do. I make my preferences known and usually we're in agreement, but there are times I just have to defer to him.

[Parrothead]

I'm not intending this rudely, but for some of us it just isn't that simple. I finally had to realize that I can't make my DH approach money the way I do. I make my preferences known and usually we're in agreement, but there are times I just have to defer to him.

:iagree:In my case about the bolded, dh works 10 hours a day 5 days a week to make the money. Yes, I pay the bills, but he likes to on occasion spend some of his hard earned money on something just a bit frivolous for his wife. The purchase may not be what I want or need but for just those few moments of choosing a gift and presenting it, I know he is thinking about me in a very positive way.

[flyingiguana]

Then there's my husband, who would prefer to buy something nice for himself.

[rwjx2khsmj]

Thanks for all the replies and input.

 

Someone suggested a $100 limit. A lovely idea except dh is a spender and limits aren't really rules they are more a base line from which to begin.

 

I decided to take the advice of those that suggested I come up with another gift I'd enjoy. I combined that with the advice to ask for something that would enhance our trip but could be purchased now.

 

I told my dh (AGAIN) that I didn't want a laptop. I told him (AGAIN) that what I really want is a trip, with him, just the two of us, to somewhere lovely in February or March. I told him (AGAIN) that every penny we spend elsewhere makes me feel as if our trip is moving further away. I think he actually heard me this time.

 

I suggested that if he really wanted to get me something I'd love and that would be meaningful he could go to a travel agent and pick up a box load of exotic destinations brochures and take the time to look at them with me after I open the box and am utterly entranced by his thoughtfulness. I also suggested that a trip to a local book store for destination related books would warm my heart.

 

We'll see what shows up under the tree. :001_smile:

[Murphy101]

It took my dh years to comprehend that debt and financial stress is a sucky gift no matter how awesome the package it arrives in.

 

It's truely nauseating to me to get a gift knowing that it means I have to rewrite the budget and forego whatever else to make it okay for the family. No thanks.

 

I'd give a limit, say what I want and mean it.

 

Guess worse case if he still gets the laptop is you can take it back to the store. I would.

 

My dh loves to shop and spoil me. Which is great if we can afford it. He has grown and does much better now, but wow it made for some stress-filled years earlier in our marriage.:grouphug:

[Catwoman]

 

I suggested that if he really wanted to get me something I'd love and that would be meaningful he could go to a travel agent and pick up a box load of exotic destinations brochures and take the time to look at them with me after I open the box and am utterly entranced by his thoughtfulness. I also suggested that a trip to a local book store for destination related books would warm my heart.

 

We'll see what shows up under the tree. :001_smile:

 

I'm betting on a laptop, along with a list of travel websites you can visit. :tongue_smilie:

 

Cat

[Catwoman]

Then there's my husband, who would prefer to buy something nice for himself.

 

For Christmas this year, buy something very nice that you want for yourself but that could possibly be a unisex gift, wrap it up with a big fat bow, and give it to your dh. When he says he won't really use it, apologize for your poor choice of gifts and say it's not worth going to the trouble of returning it, so you guess you'll just have to keep it for yourself. :tongue_smilie:

 

Cat

[lisamarie]

You are not alone! I take care of the finances for the family and have a budget for Christmas. My husband always goes overboard. I know he does it because he loves me but I'm the one who has to deal with the aftermath and try and squeeze the money out of the budget when the bill comes in. It is hard sometimes to enjoy the gift when you don't have the $ especially if it is something I really didn't want.

 

Yup, this is me. DH makes fun of me because whenever he asks me where I want to go on a date night, I always pick somewhere cheap or where I have a coupon so it's cheap. I practically break out in hives when DH tries to buy me expensive gifts that I know are not in the budget since I manage the money.

[flyingiguana]

For Christmas this year, buy something very nice that you want for yourself but that could possibly be a unisex gift, wrap it up with a big fat bow, and give it to your dh. When he says he won't really use it, apologize for your poor choice of gifts and say it's not worth going to the trouble of returning it, so you guess you'll just have to keep it for yourself. :tongue_smilie:

 

Cat

 

Already taken care of -- I bought some violin music. He doesn't play violin.

[Catwoman]

Already taken care of -- I bought some violin music. He doesn't play violin.

 

:hurray: :hurray: :hurray:

 

Cat

[rwjx2khsmj]

I am so happy to report that I didn't get a laptop for Christmas! DH and I sat down and looked at European River Cruises instead. The trip is being planned for late April or early May. :001_smile:

[lauracolumbus]

Success! Way to go.

 

Just an fyi--my dh is the same. I defer on things I want (usually curriculum) b/c I hate spending $$$. He has no trouble spending $$$. Fortunately we're at a point where it doesn't matter so much, but I still cringe at the way he spends $$$ on me.

 

Laura