What to do about aging parents?

[Night Elf]

My mother is under the delusion she will come live with me if her husband dies before her. I can neither support my mother financially (she's so in debt, insists on a new car every couple of years, loves to take trips, etc.) or emotionally (she is in denial about some issues that make her scary to be around for too long). My sister won't talk to me about it saying we'll deal with when and if it happens. But this is also the person who once told me she will never live with mom again as she's "done her time" as an adult.

 

Do you have parents in this type of situation or know of people in this situation? What have they done about it?

 

I mean, I feel very strongly about this and I fear it will happen sometime in the next couple of years. Her husband is 72, very overweight, has diabetes, and is working 2 jobs to support my mom. It's rather crazy actually. My DH and I have been continually stunned at some of the financial decisions they make despite the fact that they ask us questions first. Basically my mom believes it's okay to be in heavy debt because when you die they can't come after you. That just doesn't seem normal!

 

Anyway, I think about this every now and then. I'm really not looking forward to it!

[anissa]

Can you discuss her finances with her husband? He may need to know that her plan of living with you is a no-go. I would react the same way if I were you. As for your sister, she seems quite certain this is your problem. I am sorry this is your situation. Maybe some financial counseling now for your mom and a huge dose of reality? I am sure the hive will have great advice for you...

[kalanamak]

This may be disagreeable to some, but I'd "cool" things with her, to give her the idea life with you is not some rosy dream-come-true. Also, if she is dreaming about a room in your house, remodel it as a kids room or something else. I'd lay the ground work to a "no" before you get to the "no" and make sure you are not leading her on in any way. When she brings it up, what do you say?

 

Can your husband help you? If you are too cowed to put your foot down, will he be willing to?

 

72 year olds with many health problems don't always neatly, suddenly drop dead. They can become unable to work, and need assistance at home. Will she abandon him if he has had a stroke and needs help with toileting? If not, the task may make a grown-up out of her. :grouphug:

[6packofun]

Could you and her dh look into what her income *would* be if he passed away? Then they can sit down and discuss it--maybe he'd be in your corner and say, "Look, honey, it's not fair to saddle the kids with all this if something happens to me, so let's try to take down the spending a notch and make sure your future is secure." Something like that? Couched in love for her and maybe to show her what it's going to take for her to be able to continue with ANY of the lifestyle choices she wants to make?

 

That's a tough situation!

[Starr]

Most communities have some kind of senior housing based on income. You might take a look at the options around different family members. And really, you don't have to feel responsible to give her a new car every couple of years. This raising parents is difficult. We really have to let a fair amount of things play themselves out. But if she talks about living with you and you can talk about the senior apartments 2 towns over she'll get the idea.

[qfbrenda]

Wow. I don't know how take care of aging parents because I haven't done it yet. But racking up debt with little intention of paying it back is otherwise known as stealing. :glare: The companies have to make up that loss somewhere and pass it on by increasing prices for everybody. I know you know this, but maybe the reality would hit her if she thought about it that way... maybe.

 

Besides that, she's wrong. They can't go after HER after she's gone, but they will go after her estate... meaning anything and everything of value that she leaves behind.

[LibraryLover]

Debt debate aside.

 

Medicaid will pay for a nursing home, no matter, if she is too sickly to care for herself. (They will take whatever she might own). If she has no assets, it probably won't be the best one, but she won't be left on the streets if you cannot care for her. No ice floes or anything.

 

If she can stay/manage her last days in her own home, she can also receive free delivered Meals on Wheels 3x a day until the end.

Edited October 2, 2010 by LibraryLover

[Night Elf]

I'll look into the senior housing thing. Funny thing, my grandmother, her mom, is still alive, and even she doesn't know what to do with my mom! She still lives alone but I think her health has been deteriorating within the past year. My mom does help my grandmother with things around the house and driving her around sometimes. That's a good thing.

 

I have tried talking to my stepdad but he's truly cowed by my mom. Neither he nor my sister want to do anything to rock the boat with mom because she goes off her rocker. My dd12 used to love to spend the night because my mom loves to watch movies and play board games. But she hasn't stayed with my mom in probably a year because the last few times she had been over there, my mom and her husband had horrid verbal fights.

 

Well, I could go on and on about this. My heart hurts for her, really. She's had years and numerous offers of help and she rejects them time after time. It's just the most bizarre thing I've encountered. Maybe I'll talk to my grandmother. She might have some ideas.

[kalanamak]

IMaybe I'll talk to my grandmother. She might have some ideas.

 

Grandma needs a good will and executor, if she has any assets at all. Even if she wants to leave everything to her daughter, it should be via the hands of an "adult".

[Night Elf]

Grandma needs a good will and executor, if she has any assets at all. Even if she wants to leave everything to her daughter, it should be via the hands of an "adult".

 

Yes, I completely agree. I hate to say, but my grandmother is well off. Her 2nd husband left her everything and she's been living quite comfortably since he passed away. I know my mom is expecting my grandmother will leave everything to her and my aunt. I think she's in for a rude awakening. I have no idea what my grandmother's plans are for her will.

[NorthwestMom]

Resolve to yourself TODAY that you will not take her into your home no matter what. I have cared for my beloved mother in my home after she developed Alzheimer's and it was INCREDIBLY difficult and hard on my marriage. I worked with people with mental disabilities professionally, my mother and I had a wonderful relationship, and thought I knew what I was getting into. It was impossible 24/7. I do not recommend it to anyone, but especially not if your mother is already difficult.

 

If her husband predeceases her, and she becomes incapacitated, does she have legal documents naming someone Power Of Attorney? That person would be able to make decisions for her, including placing her in a facility. It may be that by the time she needs to go to a facility, she won't even recognize it as such. My mom thought she was at some kind of house party and loved it. :confused: :tongue_smilie:

[Mad Jenny Flint]

My mother came to live with us for 18 mos. We had a decent relationship before she came (although I have always had issues with her choice-making) and we are no longer on speaking terms since she left. The good thing for her is that somehow (I have no idea how) she has been able to find an apartment for herself and is living independently. I don't know how she is affording to do that- but when necessity dictates, we find a way.

 

Just tell your mother the next time she speaks about moving in with you that that will not be an option. Tell her that you are happy to help her find living arrangements and help her with her errands and appointments when necessary, but that you don't want to hurt your relationship with her or your relationship with your husband/family by living together in the same space. If you need to, and your husband is willing, you can also say that there is no way he would ever consent to it. Good cop, bad cop is not a bad thing in this situation.

 

Meanwhile, hugs to you as you sort this out. But do sort it out, if for no other reason than to bring you peace of mind. I experienced mental unrest for several years before my mother lived with us thinking of all the potentialities of the situation, and a great deal more stress when she lived here. Trust me, you don't want to go that route.

[kalphs]

My mother is under the delusion she will come live with me if her husband dies before her. I can neither support my mother financially (she's so in debt, insists on a new car every couple of years, loves to take trips, etc.) or emotionally (she is in denial about some issues that make her scary to be around for too long). My sister won't talk to me about it saying we'll deal with when and if it happens. But this is also the person who once told me she will never live with mom again as she's "done her time" as an adult.

 

Do you have parents in this type of situation or know of people in this situation? What have they done about it?

 

I mean, I feel very strongly about this and I fear it will happen sometime in the next couple of years. Her husband is 72, very overweight, has diabetes, and is working 2 jobs to support my mom. It's rather crazy actually. My DH and I have been continually stunned at some of the financial decisions they make despite the fact that they ask us questions first. Basically my mom believes it's okay to be in heavy debt because when you die they can't come after you. That just doesn't seem normal!

 

Anyway, I think about this every now and then. I'm really not looking forward to it!

:grouphug:

[LibraryLover]

Wait. Your mom is not elderly nor sick...that changes my answer. My MIL is 89 and fading fast...but still living on her own, in her own home...we buried my FIL a few years ago. (My dh is a caboose baby...youngest of the sibs by quite a bit). That's where my mind was.

 

How old is your mother?

[sheryl]

My mother is under the delusion she will come live with me if her husband dies before her. I can neither support my mother financially (she's so in debt, insists on a new car every couple of years, loves to take trips, etc.) or emotionally (she is in denial about some issues that make her scary to be around for too long). My sister won't talk to me about it saying we'll deal with when and if it happens. But this is also the person who once told me she will never live with mom again as she's "done her time" as an adult.

 

Do you have parents in this type of situation or know of people in this situation? What have they done about it?

 

I mean, I feel very strongly about this and I fear it will happen sometime in the next couple of years. Her husband is 72, very overweight, has diabetes, and is working 2 jobs to support my mom. It's rather crazy actually. My DH and I have been continually stunned at some of the financial decisions they make despite the fact that they ask us questions first. Basically my mom believes it's okay to be in heavy debt because when you die they can't come after you. That just doesn't seem normal!

 

Anyway, I think about this every now and then. I'm really not looking forward to it!

 

 

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's not easy. I do not have any profound words of wisdom, but here's my experience.

 

My Dad turns 85 this Nov 1. He is retired and has been for some time. My Mom passed away 21 years ago this Nov 4, so it's been just my Dad for that length of time. He is a strong cardiac patient with previous surgeries. He truly is a miracle to be alive. He is a WW II vet...he is barely able to walk due to arthritis. Right now he is living on his own. But, there will come a time when he will have to go into a form of assisted living. However, it's VERY expensive. He's financially ok (little) right now. We sold off some family property from my Mom's side. And, my Dad has his small condo on the market. He now lives somewhere else. He'll have to WATCH his money and not spend it unnecessarily as my brother, sister and I are not in a financial position to care for his medical needs....eventhough some would be covered. He knows this.

 

With all that said, I'm hating the idea of putting him in assisted living. There would be benefits, but draw backs too as not all the facilities are created equal. The better ones would be more expensive...typically speaking.

 

I suppose if you would decide to take them in, you would have to set up major boudaries...rooms' use/schedule/off limits, monetary contribution, responsibilities, etc, etc. This may not even directly answer your question as I may have gotten side-tracked. Anyway, my Dad is rather large and I would not be able to pick him up if he falls. That's an issue with the elderly when they lose muscle strength and control, etc.

 

Sorry for blabbering. HTH. Sheryl <><

[Joyofsixreboot]

Oh gosh, (((hugs))) to you. I don't even know where I would begin with that. Possibly flat out telling her that you love her but she won't be coming to your house. You just can't do it.

[TechWife]

It sounds like your mother may need the help of a mental health professional. Uncontrolled spending and failure to plan are symptoms of many different things, as is the manipulation she seems to be engaging in with her husband. These are not normal behaviors. If nothing else, her husband needs some help learning how to say no to her.

[Night Elf]

How old is your mother?

 

No, not sick. She's just about 70. The only physical health problem she has is diabetes 2 which she is managing very well with diet. I'm proud of her for that! It's her mental health that concerns me, not her physical health. She isn't a danger to anyone and she has never tried to harm herself, so we can't do anything about the situation, or so we're told. However, she has issues that we see getting worse year by year. Whenever we try to talk to her, she either 1) goes absolutely ballistic or 2) stops, gets an extreme blank look on her face and seems to "check out". Then a couple of minutes later, she's up and moving around acting like absolutely nothing has transpired. But there are permanent beliefs she has that leads me to believe she's schizophrenic in some fashion. I found out that left unchecked, it can get really bad as people age. She is in absolutely denial about her own issues and mine. I have bipolar 2 with OCD and ADD. She gets angry when I mention them because she really can't deal with talk about mental issues at all. Since she won't get help or even acknowledge she has a problem, she simply cannot and will not live with my family.

 

My family tiptoes around her. My sister, aunt, grandmother and stepdad. My family firmly believes in crisis action not preventative action. That's why I can't even get my sister to talk about it. She's not going to worry until something needs to be done. I'm a planner, and I plan to just say NO.

[SweetMissMagnolia]

it's soooo hard---we are living with my hubby's dad--he's disabled and has ALOT of health issues (with alzheimer's slowly creeping in)....definately NOT easy-especially when the house is small LOL.....not sure what I would do if "I know now" what I didn't know when the hubby and I got married LOL...none of his other kids will take him in or even come to visit him,so everything falls on us. It's not so much the financial burden in our case cause he has pension and retirement/social security for income---it's the emotional part that's hard. Totally agree with the other posters-gotta make some things known and yes mention the senior housing that is in your area....good luck.....it's hard dealing with aging parents......