Question maybe for introverts?

[Daisy]

I hate social events. My BEST friend came over tonight with her husband and two boys and you'd think I would enjoy myself. It was fine. We were just having take-n-bake pizza. NO big deal.

 

But afterward I always do start into the same old dumb thing. I over-analyze the entire evening.

 

I remember every word, every conversation, every body movement. I'm fairly good at reading people and I have a keen memory. So I replay the conversations over and over again, worried that I talked too much or not enough. Did I pull everyone into the conversation? Did I neglect anyone? That I noted so-in-so's body language and so I shifted my tone just a bit to compensate for it...

 

UUGH. WTHeck is wrong with me? Why do I do this?

 

I'm not lacking in self-esteem so I'm not really analyzing it on the basis of what they thought about me. It is almost like I feel the need to make sure everyone is having a good time, but because of it, I'm miserable.

 

Seriously, it makes me want to avoid social interactions like the plague. They are mentally & emotionally exhausting.

 

Do any of you get what I'm saying? Just tell me if I'm crazy. I can handle it. I may mentally replay the post forever but you won't hurt my feelings. LOL. :lol:

[Starr]

Visiting is harder as I get older. And what did I do but go pick up ds at 10:30 and stay at friends till 12:00. And we all have to be up early for church. Now I'm fretting that they were just being polite. Ack!

[sarawatsonim]

I'm with you there. My best friend and her long term boyfriend came down a few weeks ago to spend the afternoon with us. I haven't seen them in awhile and I felt awkward for some reason. I mean this has been my bf for over 17 years and it was like I was trying too hard to ensure that they were having an okay time. It's not like they were expecting me to throw them a party or to have and fun filled, exciting day of events planned. Afterwards I replayed the whole event over and over. Questioning if I was paying enough attention to her boyfriend, did I ask enough questions, were they bored out of their minds? I even wondered if I held enough eye contact while talking to them :001_huh:. I swear some of my introverted behavior gets worse as I get older (as some has gotten better). I do try to avoid social interactions like the plague. Even the waiting room for my dd's ballet class is a social nightmare for me. I usually disappear to the bench in between the doors to read while I wait. I can't bring myself to go sit at the tables and wait with the women (and some men).

[yslek]

Ugh. I totally did this the last time we had friends over (several weeks ago). And now that I think of it, I find myself over-analyzing that visit again. :glare: I'm also in introvert, so maybe it is related to that. :confused: Can't really offer any words of wisdom or anything, but know that you're not alone. :grouphug:

[oldskool]

I also do this and I am an introvert. I will think about conversations for a very long time. One strategy is to just force yourself to think of something else when you catch the over analyzing happening. It does help a bit.

 

 

Lesley

[Michelle My Bell]

I hate social events. My BEST friend came over tonight with her husband and two boys and you'd think I would enjoy myself. It was fine. We were just having take-n-bake pizza. NO big deal.

 

But afterward I always do start into the same old dumb thing. I over-analyze the entire evening.

 

I remember every word, every conversation, every body movement. I'm fairly good at reading people and I have a keen memory. So I replay the conversations over and over again, worried that I talked too much or not enough. Did I pull everyone into the conversation? Did I neglect anyone? That I noted so-in-so's body language and so I shifted my tone just a bit to compensate for it...

 

UUGH. WTHeck is wrong with me? Why do I do this?

 

I'm not lacking in self-esteem so I'm not really analyzing it on the basis of what they thought about me. It is almost like I feel the need to make sure everyone is having a good time, but because of it, I'm miserable.

 

Seriously, it makes me want to avoid social interactions like the plague. They are mentally & emotionally exhausting.

 

Do any of you get what I'm saying? Just tell me if I'm crazy. I can handle it. I may mentally replay the post forever but you won't hurt my feelings. LOL. :lol:

 

 

I am EXACTLEY the same way. Really, you described me to a T.

 

I still do this, but what I have found is that if I let others do most of the talking, it helps. Let them lead. I talk a lot, but I follow instead of starting a lot of conversations. It doesn't fix the problem, it just helps.

[myfunnybunch]

You're crazy.

 

Just kidding. Unless I am crazy too, which is a distinct possibility.

 

My sister and both do this to some extent. I think it's mostly normal, but makes social interations doubly draining because we're drained by them even after they're over!

 

I also just try to either tell myself it's done anyway and if they're really my friends it will be all right, or distract myself if I start dwelling.

 

:grouphug:

 

Cat

[Kel & the Kids]

I do this. It drives me nuts. It's exhausting. Sometimes I find myself remembering situations that happened over 20 years ago? :001_huh: What a waste of time THAT is!

 

And yes, I'm a definite introvert on every test I've ever taken. I wonder whether over analyzation leads to introversion (because it sucks the life out of you) or vice versa...

[Peela]

Perhaps you are taking too much responsibility for how others enjoy themselves?

I am an introvert, but your behaviour sounds like you are too concerned about whether they enjoyed themselves or not.....but ultimately, that is not your resonsibility- that is theirs. If you try to be resonsible for what you have no control over- their enjoyment of themselves...you can't enjoy yourself.

If you just be yourself and let them be themselves, and if they dont enjoy themselves, it is ok, because in being yourself, you know you cant really be any better that you are....you will relax.

I used to be like that, but for me it was more low self esteem- like, whether they enjoyed themselves reflected on my worth as a human being somehow.

[EthiopianFood]

Perhaps you are taking too much responsibility for how others enjoy themselves?

I am an introvert, but your behaviour sounds like you are too concerned about whether they enjoyed themselves or not.....but ultimately, that is not your resonsibility- that is theirs. If you try to be resonsible for what you have no control over- their enjoyment of themselves...you can't enjoy yourself.

If you just be yourself and let them be themselves, and if they dont enjoy themselves, it is ok, because in being yourself, you know you cant really be any better that you are....you will relax.

I used to be like that, but for me it was more low self esteem- like, whether they enjoyed themselves reflected on my worth as a human being somehow.

 

Quit making sense. :tongue_smilie: How did you get over this? My social anxiety is directly related to low self esteem as well. Did you just get sick of being that way, and choose to let go?

[Guest CarolineUK]

Gosh, I thought it was just me! I'm also an introvert and can drag myself down into total misery over-analysing situations like this.

 

Over the past year I've as good as given up socialising - partly because of trying to cope with looking after four little boys, a very large house (I should get a cleaner, but I can't cope with having to deal with one:tongue_smilie:) while getting into my stride with homeschooling. I've also had to deal with a couple of 'difficult' individuals who are quite close to me, which has added to the people stress. I've told DH that I intend to live life from now on as a hermit, which would have sounded sad a few years ago, but now sounds bliss. DH is a very sociable extrovert, but isn't fazed by my attitude - he takes the view that he's sociable enough for both of us.

 

I do wonder sometimes whether homeschooling has exacerbated this personality trait in me to some extent, as I now have less need to spend time with other people. It may be also that I 'chose' homeschooling because of the way I am. Overall though I feel much more authentically 'me' than I did when trying so hard to be sociable and please everyone, just sometimes a little uneasy that one day I may come to regret my hermit lifestyle, if that makes sense.

 

Crazy. I'm definitely crazy. But I don't think you are at all Daisy, you seem pretty wonderful to me. Oh and I love your new blog.

[grace'smom]

I do the same thing, but when I get really bad about it I will ask myself if any of the things I said or did would bother me if my friend did it instead of myself. Usually I would not think anything of it if my friend had done it, so I try to tell myself not to judge myself more harshly than others. Then I force myself to stop thinking about it.

 

I also find that I am much, much worse about it when I have had a drink or two over the evening to relax. Relaxing makes me say too much and regret more later!

 

I'm going to have to explore that self esteem tip from the p.p....

[patchfire]

I do this most of the time. I've finally gotten to where I can let myself *not* do it w/ SmrtMama (most of the time, anyway) and one other friend. Everyone else, no matter how good a friend... every. single. time. :grouphug:

[Lisa in Jax]

Your post made me smile -- b/c I just gave a seminar (for high school honors students) about personality style. Your post shows CLASSIC introversion tendencies. :)

 

People with an introverted personality style think, then think more, then think more, then think some more, THEN act, and think again. (Extroverts act, then think, then act again. ;-) So, it's "Ready, aim... aim... aim... aim... FIRE!" for introverts, and "Ready, FIRE, aim!" for extroverts. LOL

 

It's typical for an introvert to be exhausted by social interactions and to need time alone (or with just family) to recharge your emotional batteries.

 

Your response (as someone with an introverted style) is entirely normal. Don't let anyone tell you anything different. :)

 

Lisa

Edited September 26, 2010 by Lisa in Jax

[lllll]

..

[Crissy]

But afterward I always do start into the same old dumb thing. I over-analyze the entire evening.

 

I remember every word, every conversation, every body movement. I'm fairly good at reading people and I have a keen memory. So I replay the conversations over and over again, worried that I talked too much or not enough. Did I pull everyone into the conversation? Did I neglect anyone? That I noted so-in-so's body language and so I shifted my tone just a bit to compensate for it...

 

 

 

I do the very same thing, Daisy! Once I'm in bed I begin to recall everything I said, how I reacted (or didn't) to the things other people said, how I may have hurt someone's feelings or offended anyone if I was joking...

 

Oh! It's horrible.

[sparrow]

I hate social events. My BEST friend came over tonight with her husband and two boys and you'd think I would enjoy myself. It was fine. We were just having take-n-bake pizza. NO big deal.

 

But afterward I always do start into the same old dumb thing. I over-analyze the entire evening.

 

I remember every word, every conversation, every body movement. I'm fairly good at reading people and I have a keen memory. So I replay the conversations over and over again, worried that I talked too much or not enough. Did I pull everyone into the conversation? Did I neglect anyone? That I noted so-in-so's body language and so I shifted my tone just a bit to compensate for it...

 

UUGH. WTHeck is wrong with me? Why do I do this?

 

I'm not lacking in self-esteem so I'm not really analyzing it on the basis of what they thought about me. It is almost like I feel the need to make sure everyone is having a good time, but because of it, I'm miserable.

 

Seriously, it makes me want to avoid social interactions like the plague. They are mentally & emotionally exhausting.

 

Do any of you get what I'm saying? Just tell me if I'm crazy. I can handle it. I may mentally replay the post forever but you won't hurt my feelings. LOL. :lol:

 

 

Goodness me. Do I ever do this. I actually TALK to myself after social interactions and everyone has left. I don't even realize I'm doing it, but my husband has caught me :blush:. I honestly don't have low self esteem and I'm a pretty no nonsense, shoot from the hip kind of gal in our business, but after visits with friends I am WAY over critical of how much I talked (too much? too little?) etc.

 

I always thought part of my more introverted personality came from being an only child. I'm most comfortable (and happy :001_smile:) being alone or with close family.

[Country Mouse]

People with an introverted personality style think, then think more, then think more, then think some more, THEN act, and think again. (Extroverts act, then think, then act again. ;-) So, it's "Ready, aim... aim... aim... aim... FIRE!" for introverts, and "Ready, FIRE, aim!" for extroverts. LOL

 

LOL!

This explains so well an issue I'm having in a group situation right now. The group contains both introverts and extroverts and it is getting messy :D.

 

Daisy, I find myself over-analyzing conversations all.the.time. A week or so ago ds and I had a playdate with new friends. They are so wonderful but I tortured myself the whole weekend after thinking back over what I said, how I acted and interacted, etc.

[tadah]

One thing I love about this board is discovering that other people think about the same things I think about. If it's on my mind, sooner or later it will show up here. I have a milder case of exactly what you describe in your post.

 

What I do to combat it is to stop and appreciate the generally good intentions of the other people in the social situation, even if they were not perfectly realized, and then I try to apply the same thinking to my own social infelicities. (And yes I have analyzed this post and possible interpretations of it too much before posting, thank you.)

[sparrow]

Since reading this thread and posting in it (yes, I'm still analyzing :D), I remembered something. If any of you are on Facebook, you'll remember the '25 Things' note that went viral on FB last year. Basically, you listed 25 things that your FB friends may not know about you. I'm copying my number one thing below:

 

1. If we have *ever* held a conversation, chances are, I have replayed said conversation in my mind and thought that I said something really stupid.

 

A lot of people responded about that particular point saying, "I do the same thing!!". It felt nice to see that friends that I thought were confident and totally pulled together had the same feelings I did :001_smile:.

[Daisy]

Hooray! I'm not alone. LOL. Thanks for the encouragement ladies.

 

I guess I've never thought about it being an issue of self-esteem because I'm pretty no-nonsense (as another poster mentioned). I don't melt into a puddle when I discover I wasn't invited to a party (oh, wait, maybe that is because I'm an introvert & didn't want to go anyway. LOL). I'm critical of myself but don't really assume others of critical of me.

 

Hubby sometimes things I'm warped, but he is so dang easy-going that he NEVER notices the mood of the room.

 

Being an oldest child, perfectionist, & introvert makes for annoying self-talk.