Give me ideas to help newly divorced sister

[TXMomof4]

I am at my wit's end with my sister. Her divorce was final the first part of August. They had been in the process of divorcing since last Christmas. It is an awful situation - he managed to destroy the marriage of some 'friends' of theirs, he and the woman decided they are 'soul mates' and he left his family for her.

 

I *know* this is devastating. I understand (as much as I can second-hand) how emotionally damaging this is. BUT there is still a life that has to be accomplished. Sis has three little girls ages 8 and down. They are having a very hard time, as would be expected. Sis has started working full time, the girls are in a private school, ex-BIL picks them up until she gets home from work.

 

Sis won't do anything to try to make her life any better - including cleaning. She called my mom asking her to come help her clean her house because she just can't handle it. She completely breaks down in front of her girls on a regular basis. She isn't giving the kids any sort of structure or rules - they aren't sleeping hardly at all and when they do it's in her bed. They don't do any work around the house. Yes, I know they are young, but they are fully capable of putting dirty laundry in the hamper, putting toys in the basket, dishes in the sink, etc.

 

Part of me wants to give her a little bit of a pass and say it will get better, but she's been living alone since Feb./March. At some point you have to decide you aren't going to live in filth, your kids have to eat regular meals, they need clean clothes to wear - and mom can't do it all for you. Whenever she gets sad she wants someone to come make it better but none of us can drop everything and go bail her out once a month. My parents have gone in the hole helping her financially, but she still expects them to help make her life 'fun' rather than taking a little bit of initiative and doing anything for herself.

 

She is dealing with depression - takes her medication and does well for a little while but won't take it regularly just because. It isn't that she has an objection to medication, she just forgets, knows she forgot but won't get up and take the pill that seems to make all the difference in her ability to cope.

 

I know this sounds cold-hearted and lacking empathy, but there is a point where she's going to have to decide to rescue herself instead of depending on us to do it for her. I love her dearly but I don't have anything to offer her except that sometimes we all have to do things that s*ck. Life s*ucks sometimes but, unfortunately, it doesn't stop.

 

Does anyone have any ideas for ways to help motivate her? I'm trying to find a time I can go see her and help her get on top of the house/laundry/bedtime routines/grocery planning, etc. but I'm not sure I'll be able to anytime soon.

 

Please give me some insight on how to help her that doesn't involve doing it (whatever it may be) for her. I'm broken-hearted for her, but our personalities are so different that I'm just lost.

[Remudamom]

I can't help, but I sympathise with you. I've told my sisters before if they would just take my excellent advice they'd be so much better off. And bless their hearts, they say "I know, you were right" and still do something stupid next time.

 

For now I'd lecture and support. I wonder if she could find a support group to attend?

[homeschoolally]

From your description, I'd be concerned that social services might get involved. If they're going to private school without a good nights sleep and dirty clothes--I think it would only be a matter of time.

 

Would that reality help snap her out of it?

 

I'm not trying to sound cold or unsympathetic either, I just think she might need to realize this before it is too late!

 

So sorry for what she must have been through--I can't imagine.

[OnTheBrink]

I think she's showing signs of a serious depression problem and needs some real help. She's running the risk of losing her children if she continues to keep the house a pigsty and not feed them appropriately. Her EX could cause her all sorts of problems regarding those two issues alone.

 

I suggest some sort of intervention. Can a family member take the girls for a while and let your sister get some help? Does her job offer an Employment Assistance Program where she can see a counselor for a bit?

[dirty ethel rackham]

This sounds like depression - big time. Meds help some people, but not everyone. They are definitely more effective if combined with therapy. She needs therapy to help her break out of this and create a new life for herself and the children. Her kids probably need it too, both for the divorce and for the confusion of a mom who isn't really there for them. Tough love is not going to work. It is not going to make her snap out of it, but make her feel worse about herself. She'll just sink further. What she needs is support and structure in her life - someone to encourage her to go to therapy (and drive her there if she just cannot break the inertia to go.) Does she have any support nearby to help her get back on her feet?

[TXMomof4]

I think she's showing signs of a serious depression problem and needs some real help. She's running the risk of losing her children if she continues to keep the house a pigsty and not feed them appropriately. Her EX could cause her all sorts of problems regarding those two issues alone.

 

I suggest some sort of intervention. Can a family member take the girls for a while and let your sister get some help? Does her job offer an Employment Assistance Program where she can see a counselor for a bit?

 

Y'all are right - even when she was married we (the family) was concerned about social services because their house was always a wreck. I could completely see ex-bil causing trouble for her.

 

The problem with an intervention is we've done it many times. I've been there, my brother, my parents - we dig her out, offer resources and she will coast for a few weeks but once things start to pile up she just lets them and pretty soon we're back where we've started.

 

Her job is barely above minimum wage and I'm not sure she has benefits. There is a counselor at church who has helped her the last few months, but she doesn't see that it helps and won't go on a regular basis.

 

Honestly, I'm scared for her and so frustrated with her I just want to scream. I want to shake her silly to make her SEE how serious her response (or lack of one) it, but she'd just take it and continue on her way without changing a thing.

[fhjmom]

It won't help to tell her what she needs to do, I am sure she knows, but knowing what she needs to do and not being able to get those things done will make her feel worse and it becomes a downward spiral.

 

Her divorce was only final a few weeks ago ago. Even though it was going on for a while, until it actually happens it is hard for the healing process to begin. Less than a month is not much time for her to have moved very far in the process.

 

Since she is taken medication, I would hope she has a doctor following her. Maybe he/she could suggest some counseling as well. Finding someone to help her through the process and work through rebuilding her life may be the best option.

 

As far as judgement from family members, that honestly is the last thing she needs, IMHO. I know it is hard and I am not telling you to enable her, but give what you can to help (time with the girls, wash a load of laundry...), whatever you feel like you can do willingly. Then gently encourage her to find ways to take on those tasks again on her own. If you cannot do it, that is fine, you know your limits.

 

Life does s*ck sometimes, but when your world falls apart, it is really, really hard to get things out of that death spiral. It does take some help and some time. She sounds very blessed to have family like you and your parents that are willing to be there for her.

[BMW]

I am so sorry. Love her. No matter what happens... even if social services enters the picture... be the one she can call and let her know you love her. She needs someone she can say ANYTHING to and be accepted... it takes a long time to heal from these situations. It sounds like she wasn't too clean at home before the divorce, so that's just a very hard situation to address. Reach out to the children... let them know that you are there, loving them, too. If you are local or close enough, go get them and take them out for $1.00 burrito or something... even just a walk in the park... if you can.

 

I heard recently that you take the number of years of marriage and divide by 4 and that is the number of years it takes to process the grief... and the grief that comes with depression is debilitating. I know. It's hard if you don't "get it" but in the midst of the pain, sometimes you just need to sit and stare at a blank wall... fortunately when I went through this, I had a therapist and she would tell me "Be aware of what you are doing... if you need to sit and stare at the blank wall, go ahead, but set a timer and let yourself have that half hour and then do something else."

 

Thank you for loving her.

[Sonshine]

How about you'all chip and pay for a once a week maid for her? Cleaning is her week point and it is natural that it gets worse when she is under severe stress. I'm the same way. Yes, I do think you'all should have some more sympathy for her. Given her circumstances, asking for extra emotional help and support once a month isn't very much.

 

As well as her depression, it sounds like you'all have different personalities. This is not the time to change hers. I do appreciate that you are trying to help her keep her kids from being taken away. You sound like a good sister. I have a personality more like your sisters - cleaning is hard for me and I need a lot of support when I am going through a crisis - mostly by talking to a few close friends a lot. I do try to give back in other ways - such as babysitting such kids friends, etc. Does she have any strengths that you can appreciate about her? If she is a taking and not giving person in general I can understand your frustration. I would do what you can to make things such that the kids are not at risk, and wait until life is better for her before trying to push her into straightening herself out.

 

Can you have the girls over a lot on the weekends to spend the night? In our state that would help you get custody if the choice were you and strangers in the foster care system to prove you have a close relationship with them. Also, relatives frequently checking up to make sure the girls were really in no real danger would help her case if one were to ever develop.

[Anne in CA]

I agree about the therapy with the depression.

 

My mother struggled with depression long before it was a diagnosed thing and my siblings and I suffered GREATLY in those periods that might go on YEARS with no laundry that we didn't do ourselves and the house a wreck. We lived on a farm and also had animals to care for, ect. My grandparents helped, but my mother was very resistant to taking care of herself or us and they were forced to back off. All of us have issues that stem from this as adults even though we all seem very successful.

 

Your neices need stability, and I hope that something can be done for them. They will need therapy before long if your sister doesn't get some. It is very hard to parent yourself. I thank God for an aunt that took special interest in me. Please help them realize that they have done nothing wrong and that their mother's problems are her own. My mother often blamed us for things that resulted from her bad parenting. I hope your sister is not blaming the girls for the dirty house, but she may well be and they need to know that they are not the problem.

[KidsHappen]

It sounds to me like your sister is suffering from major depression. When you are this depressed even taking your medication can be too hard. Eating, showering, brushing their teeth, etc become almost impossible tasks. Sometimes even getting out of bed it too difficult and some people can even become catatonic. This could easily last for years and there is nothing you can do to snap her out of this. While it may seem like it has been long enough for you, it is actually still relatively fresh to her.

 

My mom passed away 2 1/2 years ago and I am still not back to normal. I am just doing the bare minimum to get by. I know this and I wish it was different but wanting just doesn't make it so. I am taking my meds and seeing my doc regularly but I just can't seem to make it over the hurdle.

 

What your sister needs is some in-home help with basic living skills. She needs someone to give her her meds, to help with cooking, cleaning, child care, shopping, errands, paying bills, etc. She also needs extensive therapy. I would recommend this as a first step because if their is no one in her life that can help her with all of the above it is possible that the therapist can point her in the right direction. I would also recommend someone go with her to support her, keep the doctor up to date on her progress, collect any other information that could help her and help her get the social services that she needs.

 

I know that this must be incredibly hard for you and your family. I have been both the depressed person and the family member that had to support the depressed person. In my opinion it is harder to be the support person. The burden should you choose to take it on can be overwhelming especially when you have your own family to take care of. If you can't provide the support she needs maybe you can at least call around and see if you can find any social services that can help her. I am feel for your entire family and I hope that she can get the help she needs to get back on the right track.

[bookfiend]

So sorry, sounds like talking won't help. When she isn't taking your advice, it's not about you. It's not about the quality or rightness of what you are saying. It's physically about her inability to function.

 

One small way to help is to go over there and do the jobs with her instead of for her. Pick her up off the couch and say "let's wash the dishes now, let's put the laundry away now." better yet, "let's go for a walk now." Exercise really helps. Seeing little accomplishments helps. Include the little girls. I agree that being the support person is the harder job. She is fortunate to have a sister who so clearly cares.

[JFSinIL]

I agree with everyone else here. Plus - she may need a different medication. Doesn't sound like what ever she is on is being effective. Or maybe the dosage is off.

[ChristineW]

:grouphug:

 

It must be so hard to see your sister go through this. Just a few things to note. It sounds like your sister is clinically depressed.

 

Depression is a medical condition and can't be fixed just by wanting it to be. Has she been formally diagnosed? Who has prescribed the meds? How often does she see that person? If she's not regularly taking the meds, they may not be working. She might need a higher dose or a different medicine. She should be seeing a psychiatrist at least monthly. Try to find her a support group.

 

Stop judging her and don't abandon her. She didn't choose to be sick. I've had serious Post-Partum Depression twice and although I knew that I had to take care of myself and my kids, even with medicine there were times when I just couldn't do much more than stare at the walls. Temporarily hire her a maid, find a babysitter for her and take her out to a nice dinner or to the movies. Call every day and see how she's doing; ask her if she's taking her meds; drive her to therapy or a support group led by a professional.

 

I know you want her to s*ck it up but she can't; at least not yet and not on her own. If you get involved now, it will save your sister and your nieces years of pain. Its not fair or fun, but what happened to your sister wasn't fair or fun either.

 

God bless,

 

Christine W

[TXMomof4]

I appreciate all of your replies. I don't live near her - we're about 16 hours away. My parents are about 4 hours from her and are caregivers for my grandparents who can't be left alone, so they can only help intermittently.

 

After reading this I talked to my parents and they are going to contact her church elders. In the spring she was attending a bible class and had made contacts with older women who have been through a divorce and survived. They seemed willing to help her as much as she needs but she has quit going to church because she's too overwhelmed. Anyway, my parents are going to see if they can get one of those women to get in and help carry her through this spot.

 

Again, I really appreciate all of your perspectives. I feel much better if there is *something* I can do - even if it is long distance.

[parias1126]

This really sounds like a serious case of depression. She needs some type of help. I know you have children of your own to worry about, but what about offering to take her children for a while? Being in a stable household would help them tremendously and they would be with their cousins. They would have other children to play with and not be around their mom who really needs some help. I am sure you are busy, but this isn't really "bailing her out" as you said. This is helping the children that are your nieces? I know I love my nieces and nephews like no other and would go the extra mile no matter how much I was stressed out having four of my own (which I am all the time).

 

As far as your sister goes, you or your mom should maybe talk to her or try to get her some help. She may just need someone to talk to. I know having a trusting person to talk to can sometimes go a long way. A lot of us have no one to talk to. I know that when I have problems or something I Just need to talk to someone about, there is no one. There are some things I can't even discuss with my husband because he wouldn't understand. Not because he is not a wonderful husband (because he is), but because he is a man! LOL Our of your dad, mom, or yourself, there has to be one of you she feels comfortable talking to. Someone should really get her to open up and let you know what kind of help she wants. I am sure she wants help (just from reading your post). You should let her know though that the offer of help for the children and her is not a way to bail her out in some way, but to get her back on her feet so that she can help herself.

 

It is a very tragic situation when someone leaves you like this. I am sure she has all kinds of feelings like she wasn't good enough, etc. She couldn't make her husband happy, but someone else did. She needs to cope with herself before she can even try to be a good mom....which is the problem here. First things first... She needs help dealing with her situation first while someone helps her with the children. I am sure she is probably a wonderful mom when things in her life are stable (just because you didn't say otherwise). It was the situation that made her hit "rock bottom". She doesn't want to be where she is.... it just happened (and its not her fault). Now it needs to be fixed, but not at the expense of those precious children and this can't be done alone....this is what family is for.

[Kebo]

Could you call her daily at medication time and not get off the phone until it has been taken? The medications would help, and the daily check-in would give emotional support (as long as you keep the conversation supportive, of course).

[gingersmom]

I have been there. I went through the divorce from hell (it took years). My X's reign of terror continued after the divorce (even though I moved 2 states away).

 

You cannot even begin to imagine the stress your sister is under. At one point I thought I was going to have to commit myself.

 

If you can't be there in person then call and just let her talk. Email her if you can't talk on the phone.

 

Send her a gift card to Starbucks so she can treat herself/her little people.

 

Offer to let her kids come stay at your house during a school break.

 

Send her a book on surviving divorce.

 

Give her lots of :grouphug: