Grieving, and friends, or lack thereof

[3lilreds in NC]

I posted that my grandmother died last week. I was able to fly up and ride with my brother and his family to the funeral. It was so strange, not finding her at home.

 

It's not as if it was unexpected, exactly; she was 87 with lots of health issues. However, I've been somewhat expecting to hear that she'd died for approximately the last 5 years and she kept hanging in there, you know? Plus, she was my GRANDMA. I had storybook grandmas, and she was the last one. I miss her so much.

 

Not one of my friends has even asked me about her. I have 2 friends that I talk to fairly often, but it's really because they need someone to talk to about all that they are going through. I know that they are both having a very difficult time in their current situations. However, my neighbors, whom I have known for 3 months, have called, stopped by, brought flowers...

 

MY GRANDMA DIED. I want to yell at someone and make them pay attention, you know? Except that I don't really know who to yell AT. Perhaps I should just be yelling at God.

 

I suppose I'm really just missing her and wishing that someone wanted to talk about her. I still find it so hard to believe that she's really gone. My dad is being overly cheerful. My mom is working. My sister is working and trying to get her family ready to move while being a single parent to her 4 children aged 5 and under as her husband has already started his new job in their new location. My brother is working and had a very different relationship with her than I did. It would appear that I am the only one with an excess of time on her hands to think about it.

 

Thanks for letting me whine a little. It seems a little pathetic that I have no one IRL to talk to about this.

[Jean in Newcastle]

:grouphug: Beth, I think when they take a break from talking about their difficulties, you need to just jump right in and share how much you miss your Grandma. It sounds like you have wonderful neighbors.:)

[EJCMom]

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. It seems like even when it is somewhat expected, the finality of it isn't really real until it happens. Intellectually we know that death is final. But it is just so palpable when it actually happens.

 

I've experienced what you are going through, so I know how hard it is. When my mom died suddenly it was almost like people would get uncomfortable if I brought her up. I needed to talk about her. To know that she was important to someone besides just me and that they missed her too. I'm an only child, and my parents were divorced, so it was a really lonely time.

 

Anyway, again I'm really sorry about your loss. :grouphug:

[3lilreds in NC]

Jean, I probably should, but that doesn't feel right, somehow. Many, many people have a hard time dealing with death. I am not sure they want to hear it and so I do not want to share it. Does that make sense? She was such a neat lady - *I* would want to hear about her. LOL. Tonight I told my girls a couple of stories about her, and they enjoyed that. I probably need to be talking to them, since they miss her too.

 

Thanks for responding. I think I will go to bed now. Tomorrow is a new day.

[3lilreds in NC]

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. It seems like even when it is somewhat expected, the finality of it isn't really real until it happens. Intellectually we know that death is final. But it is just so palpable when it actually happens.

 

I've experienced what you are going through, so I know how hard it is. When my mom died suddenly it was almost like people would get uncomfortable if I brought her up. I needed to talk about her. To know that she was important to someone besides just me and that they missed her too. I'm an only child, and my parents were divorced, so it was a really lonely time.

 

Anyway, again I'm really sorry about your loss. :grouphug:

 

:grouphug: I'm so sorry about your mom. I know how important it is to be able to talk about the one you've lost. I think having a special friend who can listen and be there through grieving is pretty rare, actually.

[Parrothead]

Tell us about your grandma.

[Crissy]

Oh, Beth. I am so sorry.

 

I think so many families live apart now and grandchildren/grandparents don't often have the close relationship that we are used to. Maybe they don't get it.

 

Not that it excuses your friends from noticing that you are grieving, and offering comfort to you.

 

I know how you must be missing her. My grandmother, Grace, died two years ago, and I so wish I still had her with me.

 

I am sorry, Beth. May your happy memories be of comfort to you.

[Crissy]

Tell us about your grandma.

 

Yes! Please do!

[Rosie_0801]

Well then Beth, give us your best grandma stories.

 

My grandma rocked. I wish dh had met her back before old age caught up with her. I was always glad when he came with me to visit her, though, even though both were hard of hearing and could barely understand each other. She had a pic of herself on the wall taken when she was in her early 20's. He told her she was a bit of alright and if he was 50 years older, he'd have dated her. :lol: This impressed her a great deal, and when he went out to the loo, she told me he was a bit of alright and had a cute face. :lol::lol:

 

 

:grouphug:

Rosie

[PollyOR]

:grouphug: Beth, why don't you share some memories with us? You can print them out for your children to read as they grow older.

[Sandy in Indy]

Grief is such a hard thing for people to address. I think most people don't know what to say or are afraid that they'll say something that hurts you. Unfortunately, even when it hurts (and it does), you need to talk about your loved one. I hope you can find someone who can listen and help you through the process.

 

You mentioned telling your girls stories about your grandmother. Keep doing that. It will help you remember all the wonderful things about her.

[Tina]

I'm sorry about your Grandma. Grandmas hold a special place in our hearts. I still remember my grandma and some special things we did together. Just lost my mil this last week; she was 89.

 

Perhaps you could start a thread about special memories of grandmothers. It would give everyone a place to share what was special about theirs.

 

Telling your girls the stories is perfect. I took some road trips with my mom several years in a row. Still don't have the stories totally straight in my mind, but I do have a real good feel for what life was like when she was a girl in her family.

[3lilreds in NC]

Tell us about your grandma.

 

You are very nice. :) The good thing about typing it out is that one can choose not to read it.

 

My dad loves to tell the story of when I was born. When he called my grandmother and told him I was a girl, she said, "Oh! It's a girl!" and hung up the phone. She was so excited! She didn't ask about my mom, or how big I was, or anything. She'd always wanted a girl and that was the only important thing. She used to love to make frilly dresses for my sister and me. (She had 3 boys, and when the 3rd one was born and wasn't a girl, she told the doctor to put him back. :lol:)

 

Another favorite story is the time my grandfather told her she could have any Christmas tree she could cut down herself in the woods and get home. My 5'2" grandmother went out with her little hatchet and cut down a 12' blue spruce tree and dragged it BY HERSELF all the way back to their house. My grandfather was shocked. I can see him taking off his cap and throwing it on the ground like he did when he was mad. He could not believe she was able to get that tree home! I know they had to cut off quite a bit even to get it into the house. She was a woman of determination!

 

I lived next door to her and my grandfather (and my other set of grandparents) while I was growing up. I was so blessed to have them all in my life, and it kills me that my kids don't have that because we live so far away. After my grandfather died, she and I became very close. I spent a lot of time at her house. We would go grocery shopping with my aunt on Saturday mornings. I used to iron handkerchiefs and pillow cases for her. Why, I am not sure, but she wanted them ironed.

 

She was good at so many things! She used to decorate cakes. I believe my wedding cake was the last one she did. When we were kids, we had amazing birthday cakes. I think I had a ladybug once. My sister had a Holly Hobbie cake one time, and purple panda bear cake for several years in a row.

 

She loved music. She had a beautiful voice, and always either directed a choir at church, or sang in the choir. The last couple of years she had to step down, but even when there wasn't a choir up north, she led the hymns. She also played the organ and had a little one at home. We used to love to hear her play. She could play the piano, too, but liked the organ better because I think the keys were smaller. She never felt that she could play the piano really well because her fingers were short. Her definition of playing well and mine were quite different, though, because I thought she played beautifully.

 

She was a gardener. She lived in the UP of Michigan, right on Lake Superior, so the climate was challenging, but she had grew beautiful flowers. She had huge beds of lavender, and she dried it and would make lavender vinegar and lavender wands and lavender cookies (!) and put it in wreaths. People knew her for her lavender.

 

She was a quilter. She taught herself, primarily, and did almost all lap quilting. She made each of her grandchildren a quilt when they graduated from college. I think it was college, anyway. It could have been high school. Mine is made of linen squares. She traced pictures from coloring books of flowers, birds, horses, etc. and stitched them in white on each block. I have matching shams and throw pillows. I haven't found the quilt since we moved and I'm beginning to feel a little panicked about it. I'm sure it's here somewhere, but I will feel better when I can see it. She made a really neat quilt for my dh, even though it was all triangles and she HATED symmetrical quilting. She couldn't see very well and it was hard for her. She complained the whole time, but she finished it. She loved my dh.

 

She taught herself to hook rugs. They are the kind with strips of wool that you work through a fabric like burlap with a hook. I have one in a mille fleur pattern, and she made a Peter Rabbit rug for Emma.

 

I suppose you could call her a naturalist, too. She never went to college, but she taught herself anything she wanted or needed to know. Her boys were all in 4-H and did some amazing projects with insects - my dad ended up donating his collection to Michigan State University. She could have taught some entymologists a thing or two, I bet. I remember watching her try to feed a potato chip to a wasp one time. She spent a lot of time watching Lake Superior and her knowledge of the weather and the lake was amazing.

 

Because of the wind on the lake, she didn't get a lot of birds, but she always fed the hummingbirds. She had a FLOCK of them. She had two large feeders, each with 6 feeding stations, and in the height of the season, they would both be full with more birds in the trees and hovering nearby, waiting for their turn. She loved to go stand by the feeders - she could be still enough that they would come up and feed with her there.

 

Recently she started embroidering pillow cases. She did one for each of her great-grandchildren, I believe, and all the adults (her children and grandchildren) have at least one set.

 

She was always such a lady. She always wore dresses, even just simple house dresses. She kept her Sunday clothes on all day, because that was the day of rest. When we went through her jewelry, some of it was really ugly, LOL, but she could wear anything and pull it off. When my grandfather knew he was dying, he got special gifts for her and for his kids and their wives. He gave my grandmother a beautiful set of pearls, which I wore at my wedding. She left them to me.

 

She had a special place in her heart for my children. She called them "her redheads." She came down to see our new house at the beginning of April, and really liked it. It was hard for her to climb the stairs but she made sure she saw the whole thing!

 

She gave the girls cards with money in them for their birthdays, and they were so excited! When Schmooey saw their money, he went over, gave her a big hug, got right up to her face and whispered, "I need some monies." I was so embarrassed, but she didn't get upset. She made him ask me if it was OK, and then gave him a couple of one dollar bills. It was SO funny. If it had been any other child, I think she would have been angry at his audacity, but he was one of her redheads. :)

 

A few years ago I wanted to make a Lake Superior quilt, because I love it there so much. I never could get it to come together, though. I think I know why now. I think it needs to be HER quilt. I made one after my other grandmother died and used the purple headbands she wore when her hair fell out from chemo. My aunt is going to send me her cotton house dresses, and I'm going to use them with the Lake Superior fabric I have to make quilt that will remind me of her.

 

She was such a neat lady. Of course I wish I'd had more time with her, but she saw us, and then went to a baby shower for my cousin and was able to spend time with her other grandchildren and great grandchildren, not even a week before she passed away. She had a heart attack, and although she didn't die instantly, it was not a lingering illness or dementia, both of which she truly feared. I know it's all as it was meant to be, but there is a huge hole in my heart.

 

If you made it this far - thank you. I have to go to bed now because my Schmooey will be up in less than 6 hours and he doesn't care if I don't get enough sleep!

[nd293]

I'm glad your neighbours were so thoughtful. It's hurtful when you get more support from "strangers" than old friends - I went through something similar when experiencing a difficult pregnancy.

 

My Gran died a little after I got married, although she'd had a stroke several years before, and it was a blessing for her to go, I think. She was amazing - left school at 14 or 15 to work, took in a very, very difficult mil (sad story - had 4 sons and a husband predecease her), made a happy life for her family despite a husband with a gambling problem, and went forward with my Mom's wedding even though he (my grandfather) died a week before the wedding. She travelled the world after her retirement, when she wasn't making jam, or sewing things at her church, or playing bowls, or making us all knitted slippers or sending us distant grandkids parcels of fudge. Grandma's are cool - am I right that they don't make 'em like they used to?

 

Edited to add: Lovely memories, Beth! My gran also iced great cakes, and always decorated easter eggs for us grandkids (there were 9 of us). She was also a champion pistol shooter in her youth, a fact which was apparently used to keep her son-in-laws in order when they were courting ;-)

Edited July 2, 2010 by nd293

[3lilreds in NC]

Perhaps you could start a thread about special memories of grandmothers. It would give everyone a place to share what was special about theirs.

 

 

Excellent idea. I will do that before I go upstairs.

[Caraway]

I loved reading about your grandmother. It is amazing to me how good grandmothers are so much the same, and yet so unique.

 

:grouphug:

[OnTheBrink]

Your grandmother sounds lovely. I'm so sorry you lost her. :grouphug:

[Rosie_0801]

Hey, you had a cool grandmother!

 

Another favorite story is the time my grandfather told her she could have any Christmas tree she could cut down herself in the woods and get home. My 5'2" grandmother went out with her little hatchet and cut down a 12' blue spruce tree and dragged it BY HERSELF all the way back to their house. My grandfather was shocked. I can see him taking off his cap and throwing it on the ground like he did when he was mad.

 

:lol: This reminds me of a story about an argument between my grandparents. I'm not sure who started it, but my grandmother got so mad she chopped down all the new palm trees Grandpa had planted, so he got mad and threw all her flower pots over the wall onto the concrete where they smashed. Dh and I don't have arguments like that, I guess they don't make 'em like they used to! :blink:

 

I used to iron handkerchiefs and pillow cases for her. Why, I am not sure, but she wanted them ironed.

I used to polish my grandmother's brass collection :)

 

She taught herself to hook rugs. They are the kind with strips of wool that you work through a fabric like burlap with a hook.

Ah! This must be a grandma thing! Mine taught me to hook rug when I was early primary school aged. I was surprised to find, as an adult, sitting down with a nice kit that I still knew how to do it! I was trying to figure it out from the directions but it just didn't feel natural. I gave over to muscle memory though, which remembered how Grandma taught me :)

 

She was always such a lady. She always wore dresses, even just simple house dresses.

Ok, your grandma wins on this point. Mine was well dressed as a young woman, but when I knew her, well, I think she might have been the worst dressed person I've ever met :001_huh:

 

I think it will be nice to make your Lake Superior quilt. I'm making a story quilt about my grandfather for my younger brother.

 

Rosie

[elegantlion]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: What an awesome woman. I love the quilting. I hope you find your quilt soon!

 

I agree with Crissy, I think some people don't get that wonderful experience of growing up near their grandparents and don't understand the grief.

[Alexandra]

I could just see the picture in my mind's eye. I had a couple of thoughts about her passing...One thing someone told me was that grief is cyclacle (sp?) not linear. You might find yourself in this state of intense grief some time down the road. I found this information to be helpful.

Also, I just thought those stories were wonderful. I saw on the other thread that I asked about interviewing elders that you wished you had. Maybe when you have the energy you might collect stories about her. You could write your own but you could also ask others about their memories about her. What a character she must have been! I would bet many people have a nice story to tell about her.

Sending warm thoughts your way.

Alexandra

[Barry Goldwater]

If you made it this far - thank you.

 

I did...I love these stories...I see our Seniors/elderly as an untapped treasure in this culture.

 

Sincere condolences, and PLEASE, share more when you want/need to...

[Tina]

What wonderful memories! Thanks for sharing them. :001_smile:

[Granny_Weatherwax]

:grouphug:

[Jkodman]

I know how hard it is to lose a grandmother. Mine passed away about 3 weeks ago. She would have been 89 this past Wednesday. She was my last living grandparent. I was blessed that I had her in my life for over 40 years and that my kids got to know their great-grandmother. Losing a grandparent has a way of making you feel like a grown-up, but not in a good way. You realize that things will never be the same. :grouphug:

[Kari C in SC]

 

I've experienced what you are going through, so I know how hard it is. When my mom died suddenly it was almost like people would get uncomfortable if I brought her up. I needed to talk about her. To know that she was important to someone besides just me and that they missed her too. I'm an only child, and my parents were divorced, so it was a really lonely time.

 

Anyway, again I'm really sorry about your loss. :grouphug:

 

First, I am very sorry about your Grandma. I, like this other poster, need to talk about my ds. He has been gone for 7 weeks today and was supposed to come home on leave this evening. I went and spent the day with my friends. None of them specifically asked about him or how I was doing today - although they have in the past. I talked about him the way I always talked about him. He was such a huge part of my life. I don't think I will ever go a day and not speak of him. I think my friends aren't sure what to say, so they take my lead. My lead is that I tell them exactly how I am feeling and they are welcome to listen. I know I may some crazy sometimes when I do talk to them, but I just don't know how else to get through this. Be kind to yourself. Give a good friend a call and tell them you need to talk about your Grandma. I have yet to have one of my friends tell me no. They just listen and let me cry.

[AHASRADA]

I'm so sorry for your loss. :grouphug:

It may sound silly, but have you tried talking to yourself? I personally am not crazy about crying in front of people, so I naturally avoid bringing up topics that I know will make me cry, even if I feel like I need to talk about them. I find a time that I can be completely alone, and just let myself cry, as long and as hard as I need to while verbalizing, usually aloud, what is making me sad, exactly the way it is running through my mind. I simply say what I would say to someone if they were listening, even though no one is. Often, once I have done this, it gets the sadness out of my system and then I can discuss the topic, or the memory, especially with my kids, but without breaking down. It feels really good to get the emotions out without worrying about how others will react, or having to deal with their reactions/comments/input.

 

My kids left with my parents a couple of days ago on a camping trip, leaving me at home alone for the rest of the day. The first thing that entered my mind as they left was, "I really feel like calling Gram and having a great chat!" The only problem is, my grandmother died almost 8 years ago. In that millisecond it took me to remember that she's gone, and to realize, once again, that there is no one left that I have that same type of relationship with, I broke down and mourned her all over again.

 

Grandmothers are extremely special. Mine was a friend, a confidante, and my biggest fan. I never felt like she doubted me in the least, like she thought I was the smartest person in the world and could do anything. She took all of my comments and suggestions as if they came from an expert, and was always there to confide in growing up, when I needed to complain about my parents, etc. We would get in the car, and she would ask "Where do you want to go?" I would tell her "left" and "right" until we ended up in the craziest places! Some of my best memories were of those silly road trips and the deep conversations we had on them. It is so tough to lose someone like that.

 

I would worry less about who you have to listen to your grief, and just grieve. And I agree, if you really want to share stories about your grandmother, your kids are the best audience.