Asked for a loan...

[staceyobu]

of $1000 by an international grad student that I am friends with. We get along well and hang out occasionally... but definitely aren't best friends. She said it was for a personal problem and asked me via email. I emailed back and asked what was wrong and said I wasn't sure if I had $1000 I could loan out. I also emphasized that it was A LOT of money. Any advice on how to handle this? I am waiting for an email back from her after asking what it was for. I felt like it was rude to ask what the money was for... but then I figured if you are going to ask for that kind of money, you need to explain!

 

Update: Sent her an email asking what it was for. Just got a response saying $500 is okay too and she will pay me back in one month. Sigh. She doesn't at all say what she wants the money for.

Edited June 3, 2010 by staceyobu

[Oney Jones]

Wouldn't a bank or other lending institution ask what the money was for? I would do it if:

 

1) My hubby was on board with me

2) We had the $1000 to spare

3) She had some collateral

4) She agreed to set up and sign a promissory note detailing when/how repayment would be made

5) I was okay with what she needed it for

 

Kind of a sticky situation for sure.

[qfbrenda]

I would handle it by saying, "No. I'm sorry, but I don't do personal loans." I'm biased because I'm very anti-debt in general, but I really don't believe that personal loans between friends is wise most of the time.

 

If she had a very good reason/need and I had the money, I would consider a gift but not a loan.

[Peela]

I must admit under those circumstances I would say sorry, but no.

 

There are circumstances under which we would give out money, but rarely for a loan. We would just give it. And not at the moment. Money is tight.

 

I would only loan it if I didnt need it back, personally, and felt generous to the person or situation.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Be careful. There is a scam out there where someone gets ahold of someone's e-mail address list and sends out those kinds of requests. The information on where to send the money goes to the scammer - not your friend. We were asked for money by dh's dentist! (Not really - but that was the e-mail address that it supposedly came from and went to his whole e-mail address list. . .)

[StephanieZ]

Hmmm. If she wants you to trust her with the $$, she will need to trust you with the details.

 

There are only a dozen or so people in my world to whom I'd write such a check w/o any questions. Most of them share my DNA, lol. Anyone else would have to convince me that my charitable contribution of a "loan" (yeah, right) was a worthy cause. . . and it'd take some convincing.

 

FWIW, I wouldn't consider it a loan. I would expect to never see it again. That'd go for any check I'd write to anyone, actually, and in particular in this situation.

[Oney Jones]

Be careful. There is a scam out there where someone gets ahold of someone's e-mail address list and sends out those kinds of requests. The information on where to send the money goes to the scammer - not your friend. We were asked for money by dh's dentist! (Not really - but that was the e-mail address that it supposedly came from and went to his whole e-mail address list. . .)

 

 

Oh nice! Hmmm... Can you give your friend a call or ask her about it via another venue NOT related to that email address? I bet her account was hacked like Jean is suggesting.

[staceyobu]

Oh nice! Hmmm... Can you give your friend a call or ask her about it via another venue NOT related to that email address? I bet her account was hacked like Jean is suggesting.

 

I doubt the account was hacked. We email fairly frequently and it sounds like her, kwim? Besides, she didn't ask for the money via the computer, so I'm assuming she would want me to give it to her in person.

 

I would not think I would see the money again. I sorta feel like it's a lose - lose situation for me. I can be out $1000. Or, I can be the jerk rich American that refused to loan a friend $1000. Yuck.

 

I'm wondering if this is something that commonly happens with international students? Is she assuming that because I am American I can easily toss out $1000 bucks? And I'm really curious as to what the heck she needs $1000 for. I know her rent is not that much. What other bill could she possibly have incurred???

[Jean in Newcastle]

I doubt the account was hacked. We email fairly frequently and it sounds like her, kwim? Besides, she didn't ask for the money via the computer, so I'm assuming she would want me to give it to her in person.

 

I would not think I would see the money again. I sorta feel like it's a lose - lose situation for me. I can be out $1000. Or, I can be the jerk rich American that refused to loan a friend $1000. Yuck.

 

I'm wondering if this is something that commonly happens with international students? Is she assuming that because I am American I can easily toss out $1000 bucks? And I'm really curious as to what the heck she needs $1000 for. I know her rent is not that much. What other bill could she possibly have incurred???

 

Well, that's a bummer that it's really from her. I think you'll just have to say no.

[stephanie78]

Be careful. There is a scam out there where someone gets ahold of someone's e-mail address list and sends out those kinds of requests. The information on where to send the money goes to the scammer - not your friend. We were asked for money by dh's dentist! (Not really - but that was the e-mail address that it supposedly came from and went to his whole e-mail address list. . .)

 

Honestly, this was my first thought as well but if you don't think this is the case I would say no, especially with her not wanting to tell you what the money is for.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I doubt the account was hacked. We email fairly frequently and it sounds like her, kwim? Besides, she didn't ask for the money via the computer, so I'm assuming she would want me to give it to her in person.

 

I would not think I would see the money again. I sorta feel like it's a lose - lose situation for me. I can be out $1000. Or, I can be the jerk rich American that refused to loan a friend $1000. Yuck.

 

I'm wondering if this is something that commonly happens with international students? Is she assuming that because I am American I can easily toss out $1000 bucks? And I'm really curious as to what the heck she needs $1000 for. I know her rent is not that much. What other bill could she possibly have incurred???

 

It probably isn't the scam because she didn't ask for the money via computer but I did want to say that the scam e-mail that we got was definitely from a non-English speaker. So, it could definitely sound like it came from an International student.

[specialmama]

I'd be asking again what it was for. If she's in trouble, then she may truly need it. However, what if she's going to do something you don't agree with, with the money? What if, for example, she needed the money to get an abortion but you are against that? I'd need to know the details over the phone. Can you call her? Surely anyone desperate enough to ask for that kind of money should expect to give some sort of reason for the need. If she doesn't tell you or you suspect she's lying, then don't do it. And like others have stated, if you do lend the money, consider it a gift because you likely will not get it back.

[elegantlion]

Well I'd have to shatter that international student's stereotype of "rich Americans". Even if I had 1k to loan, I probably would not.

 

We've given money to people at times, but never without knowing what it was for, and never that amount.

[Kate in Arabia]

I would not think I would see the money again. I sorta feel like it's a lose - lose situation for me. I can be out $1000. Or, I can be the jerk rich American that refused to loan a friend $1000. Yuck.

 

We are in this situation fairly frequently. If we have the money, we give it under the assumption we won't get it back. Sometimes we get it back, sometimes we don't. I guess we operate under a kind of karma/pay-it-forward thing; we've been through rough patches before (could be again) where people helped us out, so if we can we try to do so.

 

I will say that in all the instances I can think of, the people asking were pretty straightforward about why they needed it.

[Beth in TN]

I would handle it by saying, "No. I'm sorry, but I don't do personal loans." I'm biased because I'm very anti-debt in general, but I really don't believe that personal loans between friends is wise most of the time.

 

If she had a very good reason/need and I had the money, I would consider a gift but not a loan.

 

:iagree:

 

In our family we don't loan money to anyone. If We can give it as a gift then we will otherwise we just say no. Borrowing money really changes a relationship especially if it's not repaid or if you don't approve of the reason for the loan.

[WishboneDawn]

Definitely a no.

 

People have institutions and close friends and family they can ask. If they don't, there are generally reasons why they don't and those reasons are generally excellent reasons for believing you'll never see you money again.

 

Now if you were prepared to part with the money forever, gift it to her, that's a whole different ballgame.

[Blessedfamily]

Definitely a no.

 

People have institutions and close friends and family they can ask. If they don't, there are generally reasons why they don't and those reasons are generally excellent reasons for believing you'll never see you money again.

 

Now if you were prepared to part with the money forever, gift it to her, that's a whole different ballgame.

 

Good thought.

[JFSinIL]

Just Say No.

[Blue Hen]

Just Say No.

 

:iagree:

[Harriet Vane]

Absolutely not. The lack of detail is what I find unsettling, plus it's a large amount of money.

 

FWIW I have been generous in the past, and would again in the future, but not in the situation that you are posting.

[Kate in Arabia]

People have institutions and close friends and family they can ask. If they don't, there are generally reasons why they don't and those reasons are generally excellent reasons for believing you'll never see you money again.

 

I think this is true in some situations, but in my personal experience there are many many people in this world who just do not have access to these things. It may depend on the nationality to have an idea how much would be available in institutions or even families. I do feel as an American that we have a lot of advantages. A friend here was recently hired as a teacher; his starting salary as an American is nearly triple what is given to starting teachers in the same school who have non-Western passports.

 

In this particular situation it would still depend to me on the friend, and I do think it is odd that they won't even give some idea what the money is for -- not even necessarily specifics. This is assuming the money is available and it wouldn't be a hardship if it wasn't returned... also, if you value the friendship, that it wouldn't hurt your friendship to give the money and not get it back.

[Debora R]

Say yes *only* if you can "let the money go...."

 

In more affluent times, dh and I have loaned money to friends in need. Each time, we sent the money with hopes (but no expectations) that it would be returned eventually. And then we "forgot" about it and never mentioned it again. Sometimes we were repaid, others not.

 

In less affluent times, we have had to say, "I'm sorry, but I just don't have it to give."

[staceyobu]

Hmmm. So would anyone gift money to a casual friend based on "personal problems"? DH is saying absolutely no way. Part of me wants to help her. I just wish she would tell me what she needs help with. Partly because there might be another option. Does she need a place to live? We might know someone with a place. KWIM?

[RoughCollie]

Hmmm. So would anyone gift money to a casual friend based on "personal problems"?

 

 

No. I would not give money to help someone with a problem they will not divulge. That's too lopsided for me. They feel close enough to me to ask for my money, but not close enough to tell me what is going on??? Doesn't pass the smell test.

 

FWIW, I wouldn't give money to a casual friend anyway -- unless the circumstances were exceptional. I would feel very taken aback if anyone who was not close to me asked me for money.

[ConnieB]

Wouldn't a bank or other lending institution ask what the money was for? I would do it if:

 

1) My hubby was on board with me

2) We had the $1000 to spare

3) She had some collateral

4) She agreed to set up and sign a promissory note detailing when/how repayment would be made

5) I was okay with what she needed it for

 

Kind of a sticky situation for sure.

 

 

I would add to that list....that you'll be ok if the money is not ever repaid. This is a common suggestion by the "experts" when you're lending money to family & friends....because if you won't be ok with it never being repaid, it WILL sour your relationship with that friend.

 

Frankly, I wouldn't lend it mostly because it seems that she's dodging the question of why she needs the money. Of course, it may be a language/cultural barrier, but whenever I've asked, or been asked, to borrow money it always starts out with the story of why. The fact that she cut the amount needed in half but still gave no explanation also makes me feel that something is too odd. And probably even more on my "red light going off" is that it sounds like you are very casual friends. I would never imagine asking for money from casual friends. Which means that you should be the last resort, so has she already asked and been turned down by family and close friends.....so is the money going for something that no one approves of?

 

I would probably write back and tell her that you don't have money to lend, but if she wants to discuss what the problem is, you might be able to help her find a solution. As you said, maybe she needs a place to stay and you can help her find a temporary situation....if it's a bill that needs to be paid, perhaps a call to the creditor will get an extension to pay and help finding a part time job will get the money before the extension.

 

Would love to hear how this one turns out as my curiosity is aroused lol.

[Giraffe]

Red lights are going off for me. You do not want to "loan" or "give" this money. You need to say no, politely, but no.

 

When we lived overseas we had people asking for copies of our passports so that they could secure loans, money, etc. All sorts of strange requests. You have to say no.

[Beth in TN]

DH is saying absolutely no way.

 

This is your answer. Your husband said no. There is really nothin more to consider no matter what you may feel. Helping a friend is not worth causing problems with your dh, especially in this case since she is not being open.

[specialmama]

This is your answer. Your husband said no. There is really nothin more to consider no matter what you may feel. Helping a friend is not worth causing problems with your dh, especially in this case since she is not being open.

 

:iagree: Case closed.

[Starr]

Even if there is a reason you may never get the money back. Some cultures view borrowing money differently than we do. As always with borrowing, only if you would give it to them.