Aaahhh! How do you deal with parental guilt?

[helena]

I'm looking for some good advice. I love my mom, but every time I leave her house or hang up the phone with her, I have a nervous stomach. Knowing that I'm to old for this isn't resolving the issue. I've talked to her about it and she doesn't seem to care. I remind her that my health is fragile and that stress is a major contributor, that also doesn't get through to her. I tell myself to not take it to heart, but honestly it really bothers me. Why does she always want to make me feel bad?? What's the deal with this personality?

 

Is anyone else dealing with a mom (or dad) like this. How do you deal with the guilt trips? If you've moved past it, what was it that finally changed?

 

I just had a horrible thought....

do I do this to my kids? :eek:

[happi duck]

no advice just :grouphug:

[Rosie_0801]

Uh, we're not very good relations, I think. If our parents annoy us we don't talk to them until we forget how much they annoyed us the time before. They can bellyache all they like, but we won't hear if we aren't listening.

 

As unrealistic as it sounds from where you are now, she can't guilt trip you if you don't let her. You can't go from guilt tripped to not caring, without passing through anger, I don't think. Next time, instead of feeling guilty, try feeling something more like "how dare she pull a stunt like that on me!" After a while, you won't need the anger any more. You'll just roll your eyes and tell her not to bother trying to guilt trip you. Then when she insists she would never do such a thing, you'll roll your eyes again and say "of course not" in a mock sincere way.

 

:grouphug:

Rosie

[Desert Rat]

I have no advise because I haven't been able to get past the guilt myself. I usually have a nice, big glass of wine and watch a funny movie. Oh, and have more wine! :)

[Peela]

My mum lives thousands of kms away, so I dont really have any issues with her. Dad too.

But dh has one of those guilt tripping mums and she lives 15 minutes drive away.

The solution- he doesnt see her very often. Every couple of months he has a phone call and a few times a year, we drop in. No hostility, all friendly...but not so enjoyable. But then..she isn't a really motherly type granma so she has never wanted to spend a lot of time with the kids either. She is ok- we love her- but dh isnt prepared to compromise himself to spend too much time with her.

 

I think it's one of those things...you have to learn to be real rather than nice. It benefits everyone, but it can be easier said than done.

[Jean in Newcastle]

You have to set the boundaries and enforce them. Some boundaries are for yourself - "I am an adult. I do not have to take on this guilt" is very good advice from Rosie. But some of it has to be for your mom - "Mom, I cannot talk about this right now. If you cannot change the subject, then I will say good-bye and (leave) or (hang up the phone)." Then do it. It will be stressful at first - not not more so than not enforcing boundaries. With time they will realize that they cannot call your bluff and they will start to respect you.

 

I have chronic illness that is exacerbated by stress too. I limit my exposure to people who cause me stress. Or I will interact with them in a way to minimize the stress - for example - I might call ten minutes before I have to leave the house for an appointment. Then the call is automatically kept short.

Edited May 22, 2010 by Jean in Newcastle

[lllll]

..

[helena]

Thanks everyone! :001_smile: I really am reading and thinking about what you're saying. I'm ready to toughen up a bit (or is it grow up a bit :blushing:?).

 

Years ago my husband made up a survival technique called EDS, Elderly Defense System. When we were overwhelmed with to much mom and mil, he would map out the rules and make me laugh so hard. (We used to live in a 1 block radius between both sets of parents)

 

I hate having issues, I just want to have pleasant relationships.. life is too short for this junk.

[helena]

I have chronic illness that it exacerbated by stress too. I limit my exposure to people who cause me stress. Or I will interact with them in a way to minimize the stress - for example - I might call ten minutes before I have to leave the house for an appointment. Then the call is automatically kept short.

 

Oh my gosh! I do this too! It's my best technique. ;)

[Amber in AUS]

I think you have been given some great advice. I don't have any issues but my best friends has a toxic relationship with her mother and we have talked at length about it. We even role play over the phone so she can practice hanging up. She has spoken to her psychologist about it too.

 

I think the key is staying in control. You are an adult, the other person is an adult. You have to partly remove the parent/child relationship and asks yourself how you would respond if this person were just a friend. Don't be afraid, be strong. I would set yourself up some prompts by the phone, like when she talks about x i should change the subject to y. Also have an exit strategy, i need to go now because ... Sometimes you need to make the call, when you are the caller you are incharge, well subconsciously anyway. Make sure your call has a purpose be pleasant and hang up as soon as you are done, don't get into the general banter and chat on.

[helena]

I think you have been given some great advice. I don't have any issues but my best friends has a toxic relationship with her mother and we have talked at length about it. We even role play over the phone so she can practice hanging up. She has spoken to her psychologist about it too.

 

I think the key is staying in control. You are an adult, the other person is an adult. You have to partly remove the parent/child relationship and asks yourself how you would respond if this person were just a friend. Don't be afraid, be strong. I would set yourself up some prompts by the phone, like when she talks about x i should change the subject to y. Also have an exit strategy, i need to go now because ... Sometimes you need to make the call, when you are the caller you are incharge, well subconsciously anyway. Make sure your call has a purpose be pleasant and hang up as soon as you are done, don't get into the general banter and chat on.

 

I can tell you've had this talk before. You're good. :tongue_smilie:

 

I'm going to see her tomorrow, I'll have to read this thread again before I leave the house.

Thanks

[Amber in AUS]

Be strong tomorrow and don't be afraid to leave when you need to.

[Chris in VA]

There's a very good book entitled Boundaries that has helped tons of folks know and apply healthy limits on relationships. It's Christian in perspective, but not, imo, unusable by a non-Christian (not sure where you are). The workbook is helpful, too, as it helps you apply it all to your own life and doesn't let you just sit there thinking, "Nice theory."

[Laurie4b]

What do you mean when you say "guilt trips"?

[Parrothead]

The obvious thing limit your interaction with her. Don't go to her house, don't answer the phone (get caller ID), don't call her.

 

If you must call or visit, have a specific reason to call or visit. Once that has been acheived, leave or say goodbye. Practice with a cheerful voice " Okay, thanks, I'll have to talk to you later. Bye." and hang up. You can do that with any annoying person on the phone - from telemarketers to your mom.

 

If you must visit, visit for only the time you allot. Have a reason to leave ready. Just walk out.

 

We are raised not to be rude to people and to respect our parents. That is great when people are not being rude to us as adults and when our parents respect that we are adults. We must relearn how to protect ourselves. Learn to say "no" in a firm but nice voice. Learn to say "thank you, goodbye" in a firm bur cheerful voice. And Hang Up.

 

Good luck.

[helena]

What do you mean when you say "guilt trips"?

Latest example:

I arranged to be together on Mothers Day, planned to have hubby and kids meet us at her house later, then leave to MIL house for dinner (they live 2 minutes away from each other). The Fri before Mothers Day she invited us to make pizza at her house, I declined the next day because I found out hubby planned dinner at his moms.

My mom then leaves a message on my phone cancelling Mothers Day saying she's exhausted. I talk to her M.D. am she sounds fine, we talk again in the evening and she's just gotten back from an all day bike ride! :confused:

Even though she had said no pressure on the pizza thing, I think she (and her husband) were upset about us not staying for pizza. They said we could invite Inlaws, but we had an awful time all together on a ski trip, so in my opinion no more all together stuff, except when we have to. She's punishing me in her weird way now.

So since M.D. I've had a bad Lupus flare, and a bad cold. I started to tell her on the phone about my driving issues and my fear that something is going seriously wrong there. She cut me of and hung up, and hasn't asked me about it since. Yesterday she started telling me how I never come to see her , I need to make the effort. She doesn't seem to understand that I haven't been driving, I've been sick, I'm in the midst of a flare, it's the end of the school year and it's hustle bustle time for another week.

When she want to finally see me, she lays it on thick, then watch..there's a good chance she won't even answer her phone today when I get into town.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Helena - you have made reasonable offers to see her or stay in touch. She's being self-centered. Has she always been like this or has it gotten worse with age?

 

I so understand. I've had fibromyalgia for 20 years. My parents still don't believe there is anything wrong with me - I think I'll start limping and twitching when I see them, just so they have something concrete to see!

[Night Elf]

You hold your ground and don't give in to her guilt trip. Don't let her have that power. This is really her problem, not yours. Talk with her in a firm, neutral, non-emotional voice. Redirect the conversation if it is turning into a guilt-trip mission, and end it when necessary. When I finally learned that, I learned to distract my mom or just cut off the conversation. If she started in on guilty-trip stuff, I'd say someone or something needed my attention and I had to go. I didn't prolong it. I started going to her house less frequently. I don't intend for my behavior to be disrepectful but I have a family now and I decided to buck up and be an adult who isn't pushed around by anyone. I had the same solution for my relationship with my sister. I don't believe that family means sucking it up and allowing them to treat me bad just because they are family. It's not a mutual beneficial relationship. They get something out of being mean, but I got nothing but grief and stress. I don't know why people think it's okay for family to do that to each other.

[secular_mom]

Sounds like toddler behavior IMO. Would you give in to a toddler who was throwing a tantrum because she didn't get FIRST choice of the lollipops/ice cream/etc? I doubt it. Don't worry about her, she's fine. Don't try to console her and surely do NOT beg her to treat you better by playing along with her 'rules'. Make your own rules and be happy with your own plans. If she happens to be willing/able to go along with your plans, great, if not then maybe next time but do NOT make your plans revolve around her in any way- just make plans that can include her. That way she can't really 'punish' you by pouting and not joining you, KWIM?

 

If she starts saying you need to make more of an effort to see her then cut HER off and get off the phone. It doesn't have to be 'rude', but just quick and blunt. Something like, "Oh, dc needs my help I have to go now, bye." Don't make your 'escapes' from her ABOUT her, but make them about Your Needs. She will probably whine and say you are being selfish, don't cave in. Always have an errand you need to run (someone needs shoes/pants/clothes/school supplies, you need something from the grocery store/etc) that you can use as an excuse to leave. "Sorry, I thought I'd have more time but I need to do such and such now".

 

Latest example:

I arranged to be together on Mothers Day, planned to have hubby and kids meet us at her house later, then leave to MIL house for dinner (they live 2 minutes away from each other). The Fri before Mothers Day she invited us to make pizza at her house, I declined the next day because I found out hubby planned dinner at his moms.

My mom then leaves a message on my phone cancelling Mothers Day saying she's exhausted. I talk to her M.D. am she sounds fine, we talk again in the evening and she's just gotten back from an all day bike ride! :confused:

Even though she had said no pressure on the pizza thing, I think she (and her husband) were upset about us not staying for pizza. They said we could invite Inlaws, but we had an awful time all together on a ski trip, so in my opinion no more all together stuff, except when we have to. She's punishing me in her weird way now.

So since M.D. I've had a bad Lupus flare, and a bad cold. I started to tell her on the phone about my driving issues and my fear that something is going seriously wrong there. She cut me of and hung up, and hasn't asked me about it since. Yesterday she started telling me how I never come to see her , I need to make the effort. She doesn't seem to understand that I haven't been driving, I've been sick, I'm in the midst of a flare, it's the end of the school year and it's hustle bustle time for another week.

When she want to finally see me, she lays it on thick, then watch..there's a good chance she won't even answer her phone today when I get into town.

[helena]

Helena - you have made reasonable offers to see her or stay in touch. She's being self-centered. Has she always been like this or has it gotten worse with age?

 

I so understand. I've had fibromyalgia for 20 years. My parents still don't believe there is anything wrong with me - I think I'll start limping and twitching when I see them, just so they have something concrete to see!

 

Yes, she's always been like this, but it seems worse since she married someone who feeds into it. I feel bad saying that, but the truth is they never show that they have my best interest at heart.

 

I doubt she's read up on Lupus, she doesn't seem interested in understanding it. More than anything she seems disinterested and changes the subject if I talk about it too much (at all).

 

I've been tempted lately to let it all hang out with how I'm feeling. I've always tried to play strong around her. Maybe that was a mistake. I didn't want her to worry about me, but the more likely scenario is that she'll show total lack of compassion.

I've tried to explain to her before how it makes me feel that she doesn't acknowledge the Lupus. But a few weeks later we were back at square one.

 

When she asks me how I'm feeling today, I'm going to tell her the truth.

It feels like the inside of my body is dying. I don't think I have any business driving anymore, hopefully it's anxiety, it could be neurological, my brain feels.. different lately.

 

Man, she sounds like a monster when I go back and read this!

[helena]

I don't intend for my behavior to be disrepectful but I have a family now and I decided to buck up and be an adult who isn't pushed around by anyone.

 

Yes! This is a huge part of it. I was raised to respect respect respect your elders. In truth the adults even growing up were making so many poor choices. They didn't deserve respect in that way. I want to be respectful and sincere with my mom, but she make it practically impossible.

 

Thanks again everyone. The fact that I can find support here means so much to me.

[Debora R]

I had to break off communication with my parents for a while. It was dramatic and very stressful, but I didn't know how to make my Dad understand that his behavior was just not acceptable. Finally, he said something particularly hateful at just the wrong time (I was very pregnant), and it broke my heart.

 

After the usual "I didn't say what I said" routine and no apology, I just had to have some distance. When we finally reconciled, things got better. He's very careful about what he says around me now, and I much prefer it that way. It's still sad. I love my parents, but their ways are not mine.

[Rosie_0801]

Latest example:

I arranged to be together on Mothers Day, planned to have hubby and kids meet us at her house later, then leave to MIL house for dinner (they live 2 minutes away from each other). The Fri before Mothers Day she invited us to make pizza at her house, I declined the next day because I found out hubby planned dinner at his moms.

My mom then leaves a message on my phone cancelling Mothers Day saying she's exhausted. I talk to her M.D. am she sounds fine, we talk again in the evening and she's just gotten back from an all day bike ride! :confused:

 

 

Hun, this sounds like an invitation. If she was so exhausted, why did you call her twice? She is being a git to guilt trip you, but you seem to be creating situations to help her guilt trip you. Don't do that. And while she may punish you over stuff, you don't have to act as though you care.

 

Rosie

[helena]

Hun, this sounds like an invitation. If she was so exhausted, why did you call her twice? She is being a git to guilt trip you, but you seem to be creating situations to help her guilt trip you. Don't do that. And while she may punish you over stuff, you don't have to act as though you care.

 

Rosie

 

So true..

I can see where I'm the problem as well. Sometimes I feel like a dog trying to lick her feet. Yuck

 

I just got back from their house. It was interesting, because I told her everything thats been going on with my health. She seemed a little shocked. She looked at the "butterfly rash" on my face, and it was like it was all new to her. I could tell she felt bad.

Later, my step dad started in with the guilt about how it's been almost two months since the girls came over, (slight exaggeration on his part) and I could tell my mom was a little embarrassed. Before I left I tried to arrange when we could all get together, but he wouldn't commit because his work and leisure schedule were still up in the air (he's stingy with his time). I invited them to watch fencing classes and a choir recital as well. I wont hold my breath. :glare:

 

So I'm going to have peace about it now. I reached out.

To be honest, while I was cheerful and had a nice time, it was oddly easier and more pleasant having her know how sick I feel. She was nice and more gentle. I don't want pity, but I like her like this.

 

It was a nice afternoon, they have such a lovely home and garden. My mom and I have so much in common. I just want to move past this junk so we can enjoy each other more. I think I'll sent aside an afternoon to drink a cup of chai and sit in Barnes and Noble to read all these boundary type books. It certainly can't hurt. I love my mom, I'd like to knock it off on my end.

 

thanks again ladies..

and thanks for your honesty Rosie :)