How do you deal with an overly-protective, overly-involved mother?

[lisabees]

Yes, I am talking about MY mother. She has no life other than living vicariously through mine. She calls at least 5-10 times a day. She attends EVERY single event my kids have. And let me tell you, that is a lot with four kids. I go from game to game for about 5 hours a day. She is everywhere. I am grateful she loves us and participates in our lives.

 

But, it's so much more than that. I can't go to the bathroom at the baseball field with her calling me to say that I should get my son another water (even if I just got him one). She calls early in the morning to tell me to drive the ps kids to the bus stop because it's chilly...or drizzling or windy (I always drive my kids to the bus-stop). She calls me to tell me that she can't see dh at one of the games and the game is over (dh is there). She calls me at 7:00 just to see where I am, when she knows I'm on the road to a tournament an hour away (and she of course is on her way). I tell her not to give dd anything else from the snack stand because she's had enough and lo and behold she gets her nachos and cheese. She doesn't leave any of the games until she sees me to my car, which means she partakes in every conversation with my friends. I took dd to the bathroom at the field tonight and I stayed outside, waiting. My mom saw me from afar, glared at me and went into the bathroom. It was raining at one of the games tonight and my Mom and stepfather stayed in the car, and couldn't even see the field. My mom just wants to make sure I take care of my kids the way she wants me to.

 

Please understand. I love my mother. I am lucky to have her. But, she is absolutely smothering. For hours a day, she watches me like a hawk and tells me what to do. I cannot breathe and anger is getting the best of me.

 

Oh - and she is the type of person who cannot take any criticism and will say fine - she'll never help with the kids again.

Edited May 12, 2010 by lisabees

[Jean in Newcastle]

Get the book "Boundaries" now. http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_ss_i_0_10?url=search-alias%3Dstripbooks&field-keywords=boundaries+henry+cloud&sprefix=boundaries You need to set boundaries and enforce them. And she will get mad. It will change your relationship but this is unhealthy and your relationship needs to change.

Edited May 12, 2010 by Jean in Newcastle

[CAMom]

Agreeing with Jean. This is a very unhealthy relationship.

 

And, fine! Let her not help with the kids anymore.:grouphug:

 

How does she even know when every detail of your (and your family's) life will play out? Stop telling her when every event is scheduled.

 

I'm sorry you're dealing with this.:grouphug:

[fairfarmhand]

1. Read those books. This is so over the line unhealthy....

 

2. Quit answering the phone. Just don't answer. Put a limit in your head of say once a day I will talk to my mother, and don't answer again.

 

3. Don't tell her the details.

[LibraryLover]

Has this been going on the whole 16 years you've been a parent? If iit has, good luck breaking it. Your mother may be suffering from a mental illness.

[lisabees]

Agreeing with Jean. This is a very unhealthy relationship.

 

And, fine! Let her not help with the kids anymore.:grouphug:

 

How does she even know when every detail of your (and your family's) life will play out? Stop telling her when every event is scheduled.

 

I'm sorry you're dealing with this.:grouphug:

 

Thanks for the book suggestion. I read Boundaries with Kids years ago and liked it.

 

The funny thing is I purposely didn't give her everyone's schedules! All the teams have their schedules online. :tongue_smilie: She found it herself.

 

And apparently, she has been emailing fellow players with pictures she has taken of them.

 

One of the coaches asked my Mom yesterday if she was going to a particular tournament - think another state, weekend at the hotel. She said of course! My daughter won't want me there, but we're coming!!!!! I was standing next to her!!!!!

 

Aaaaaahhhhh!!!

[AuntieM]

Oh my goodness, how have you endured it this long? This is beyond interested grandparenting. It truly hit me when you said she partakes in every conversation with your friends.

 

Perhaps you need to have a chat with your stepfather...

 

I have no experience with a situation like this, just chiming in to echo that this is not normal. No wonder you are feeling the strain.

[lisabees]

1. Read those books. This is so over the line unhealthy....

 

2. Quit answering the phone. Just don't answer. Put a limit in your head of say once a day I will talk to my mother, and don't answer again.

 

3. Don't tell her the details.

 

Ummm...I have mainly quit answering the phone. She calls my older two who always answer and can't understand why I won't pick up for my mother.

 

LibraryLover,

 

She has been like this for 16 years, on and off. In the early years, I told her to get a life. I didn't see much of her for a while!

[amsunshine]

I agree wholeheartedly with the previous posters -- this is most certainly a boundaries issue. It will not be easy to set and enforce your boundaries now, but you absolutely need to do it -- for the health of both yourself and your children. No matter what guilt trips may ensue. This is not something you should feel badly about or be made to feel guilty about. This is about the health of your relationships -- and demonstrating to your children how to establish and maintain healthy relationships.

 

I am also wondering how your mom knows so much about all the activities. Maybe you could just eliminate the source of her information? It doesn't have to be harsh or even a complete elimination, but it sounds as if she doesn't know how to maintain a healthy distance.

 

 

ETA: I just saw that your older children answer the phone when she calls--as bad as it may sound, you need to instruct your children not to answer the phone for her. Your mom is trying to insidiously exert control over you through your children. This is soooo not ok.

Edited May 12, 2010 by amsunshine

[Nicole M]

I thought maybe she was getting the schedules online. That makes it harder, because you can't simply withhold information, you have to actively set boundaries.

 

The comment about going to the tournament (of course!) and "...my daughter won't want me there" is so sad. She knows that her behavior is problem, but apparently can't or won't stop herself. You may need to get outside help. Have you thought about seeing a counselor?

 

I am super sorry about this. Sucky.

[Dandelion]

I agree with the comments above. Have an honest, direct conversation with her and set clear boundaries. She'll be upset (maybe for a very long time) and your relationship will probably change significantly, but it's the only way...

 

I hope you're able to work things out!

[kalanamak]

Oh - and she is the type of person who cannot take any criticism and will say fine - she'll never help with the kids again.

 

I would take that risk, because I think she will relent. If you don't do it in a calm way now, it will be in an ugly way later. Tell her your feelings, if need be with someone else there. If she "won't hear it", write her, then get caller ID, tell the kids you are "helping GM" be happier by being less anxious, don't answer your phone at the ball games for another drink, say goodbye at the field and insist on walking alone, get hubby on board to calmly, sweetly, refuse nonsense "help" from her. She will not make a scene in public.

 

Is she OCD about anything else? Depression? Anxiety? Phobias? Please help your kids learn this is not normal, desirable behavior. :grouphug: This makes me think of the saying "enough to drive a saint to drink".

[secular_mom]

I would tell my kids to not answer her calls, and we need our space if I am expected to retain my sanity. If they continued to answer her calls, I'd take the phones and get them more restricted phones and not allow them to give out the number. There are phones that don't have numbers for buttons and can only dial numbers programmed by the parents.

I have had to take drastic steps over the years, and I haven't even lived in the same state as my parents during that time. Once I wrote a letter that stated how unhealthy the relationship seemed and felt to me, just how bizarre her behavior was (panicking if I didn't answer the phone and she didn't know where I was, writing down numbers of friends if I ever called her from their house-I wouldn't know about it until she suddenly called them one day looking for me because she hadn't talked to me at all that day and then I never called her from another person's home again, and on and on and on). She called me and she was sobbing and said lots of dramatic things. I held my ground and told her that I needed a break from her and would only talk to her once a week, told her not to call me unless there was an emergency. When I did finally call her a week later she was very quiet and cold, so I didn't stay on the phone long. After the cooling off period, and me having my space, she slowly crept back in to calling every day and sometimes multiple times a day. It's hard to find a balance with her, if I give an inch she takes a planet. I have to be constantly firm, sometimes hurt her feelings in order to save myself (hey, *I* am the one who needs to be functional around here as *I* am raising four kids of my own) but I haven't totally excluded her from our lives. I can imagine how awful and uncomfortable it would be if we lived in the same state/town.

 

Does your mom say, "I'm just trying to help" with a dramatic sigh too? Oh, and "we just aim to please" (meaning she and my aunt). Lots of hugs and liquor if you need it. Read the books again, don't question yourself. Her behavior is her choice, so she chooses the consequences if she steps over the boundaries you set. You need to talk to your older children and explain to them that this is not normal or healthy. Heck, have them read the books too. You are not doing something terrible by setting boundaries in place.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Thanks for the book suggestion. I read Boundaries with Kids years ago and liked it.

 

The funny thing is I purposely didn't give her everyone's schedules! All the teams have their schedules online. :tongue_smilie: She found it herself.

 

And apparently, she has been emailing fellow players with pictures she has taken of them.

 

One of the coaches asked my Mom yesterday if she was going to a particular tournament - think another state, weekend at the hotel. She said of course! My daughter won't want me there, but we're coming!!!!! I was standing next to her!!!!!

 

Aaaaaahhhhh!!!

 

So the boundaries are going to have to be on the things you can control -

 

the telephones for one. If she is calling your kids during school hours then ALL the phones get turned off during school hours. Or if they go to p.s. (your comment about the bus stop makes me think this is so) then you need to block her from your kid's phones for now because she is doing end-runs around you and that has to stop. Get call waiting. Do not answer her at 7 am or on your way to the tournament. Set a time that is convenient for you (I would suggest at night) and call her. Let her know you will do so. You decide if that call will be every night or 3 times a week or just once a week.

 

If she calls you wanting you to do something for you kids, you say, "Thanks Mom, I'm on it." Then you do what you as the mom wants to do. If she protests, then tell her, "Mom, I am my own kid's mother. If you push this, then we will go home (if that is possible)." Then do it even if she is terribly upset.

 

If she goes around you and gets a snack for your daughter, then tell her straight out, "Mom, I am my own kid's mother. I said no snacks." Then throw it out. It will be embarrassing if you friends are standing right there. (If you have close friends you might give them a heads up that you will be enforcing some uncomfortable boundaries). Your mom will be terribly offended but truly, she is the one who is crossing the boundaries! You are just enforcing them.

[lisabees]

Wow. Thanks for all of your responses. I usually think that I'm just being a horrible, ungrateful daughter. It's nice to know that the knots in my stomach are justified.

 

I will re-read all of your thoughtful posts. Thank you so much!

[simka2]

Wow! This hits close to home!!! This was the case between my dh and his mother...or I should say his mother with him ;)

 

A couple years ago as dh and I became more aware as to how unhealthy this was...we began to set up boundaries. We actually did this with the help of a psychologist. She violated all the boundaires we set up.

 

So we had to cut contact. Thankfully, I was prepared for the the eruption that followed. She went everywhere telling people how broken hearted she was...she would sit thru church crying her eyes ( church we were formely on staff at)...we began to get hateful emails from former church members saying things like.."I don't even know how you can call yourself a pastor!!!!!" Then the letters from other family members started...telling us "you better make this right...immediately!!!" Finally, she began sending gifts to the grandkids thru mutual aquantences (i know I spelled that wrong) and called our new lead pastor to demand that his staff member fix the relationship!!! Thankfully, this pastor would have non of it!!!

 

It was hard to be accused of the things she said...but eventually we grew to where we felt we could at least attempt a relationship in writing...emails...FB....whatever to start. That was a year ago...now she won't have contact with us. I'm okay with that...it is her choice...but it does stink a little when she told everyone we were "robbing her of her grandkids."

 

Truthfully though, I wouldn't trade it for anything. There is a family unity we have now, that we didn't before.

 

I wish you the best of luck!!!!

[Harriet Vane]

I think you should really consider therapy. :grouphug:

 

This has become a lifestyle for both of you. You might really benefit from the support a therapist can offer in setting and maintaining boundaries. Or if not a therapist, maybe two of your dearest friends can help you hold steady?

 

Yes, boundaries need to be set. You're NOT a bad daughter. When the backlash hits, please make sure you have support.

[FlockOfSillies]

The more you enforce the boundaries, the easier it gets.

 

Call her bluff. "Won't help with the kids"? Is that a threat or a promise, Ma? :D Chances are she can't help herself and she wouldn't be able to hold out for very long even if she did stop talking to you completely.

 

You might also want to start pointing it out to her more frequently (which will drive her nuts): "Mom, I'm XX years old. I'm an adult. I can handle it." "Even if I do screw up, it's my problem, not yours." "Mom, you're doing it again. Please, just trust me and let me handle it."

 

HTH.

[IsabelC]

I would love my mother to be that involved with my kids. Well, maybe not quite that involved... In fact, if we averaged her out with your mother the result would probably be the perfect supportive but not too interfering Grandma.

[Peela]

When it comes down to it...what have you been getting out of this, to have put up with it for so long? Are you ready to let go of mummy yourself? We teach people how to treat us, and the only reason two people have these sorts of interplays is because on some level, both want it- even if one seems like the victim.

Once you don't want it any more and are prepared to pay the price for a healthy relationship, you will not put up with it. It's simple..not always easy.

 

Guilt can keep up hooked in, and not having a clue what a healthy relationship actually is- no role models. But you do know and something is keeping you in there, prolonging the unhealthy pattern. What is it? Once you pin it and own it in yourself, you will be able to deal with your mother because you will see what she is hooking into in you that causes you to respond passively, while underneath being resentful.

 

And you won't care how angry she is any more, because you will be healthy and you will know that you still love her, but you respect and love yourself too and you won't allow anyone to treat you like that.

[Mad Jenny Flint]

I always love to read your posts, and often will look at them specifically in threads, because I love your wisdom.