s/o What are you doing (allowing?) to foster "maturity" in your teen?

[OhM]

Subtitle: Or how to prevent a 26yo couch-dweller when you want to have an empty nest? :D

 

The recent threads on maturity, along with a recent reading of "Do Hard Things" really have me thinking about how to allow my (now)15yo dd to find her wings and get ready to fly! (Despite the groan-inducing analogy.:lol:)

 

Compared with the IRL status-quo around here, I feel that she's doing okay, but then I hear of some the things going on in your families, and feel that she could be doing more than (a) she's naturally inclined to and (b) that we're permitting her. (Does that make sense? Does my internal conflict show?)

 

Anyway, here are some things going on in our family, and I'm wondering what's going on in yours?

 

-4-H - junior leaders - opportunities for leadership and mentoring younger members

-4-H projects & National History Day competitions

-She has responsibility for meeting application deadlines on her own (NHD, 4-H, PSEO participation, state fair choir, to mention a few)

-She's working on her resume to help procure her first job, and looking for contacts for that first job. Will be submitting applications soon.

-Allowing her to take responsibility for her own schooling. She's managed her own studies this year through an online charter. Looking into options for next year (online charter again; PS; homeschooling; other charter opportunities).

 

We as parents look for behaviors and accomplishments showing her maturity and reward them.

 

What about you all?

 

ETA: I didn't even mention some things that have been going on since she was very young:

-packing her own bags for overnights and extended trips

-travelling w/o parents - 4-H camp, school trip to DC, overnight trips w/choir

-expected to complete daily & weekly chores

-allowed (but not required) to fix dinner (she does this about 2-3 times/month)

-has been responsible for her own laundry for 3-4 years now (we didn't require it; both girls preferred this to the rule "if it isn't in the dirty clothes basket, I won't come looking for it!")

-responsible for pet care

Edited March 31, 2010 by OhM

[Mejane]

I don't question, remind, or offer to help my 17yo with her college classwork. She can ask for help or tell me anything, but I don't offer or ask.

 

She is responsible for her own room, laundry and taking care of her cat.

 

She is responsible to pack her own dinner each day. She has gone hungry once. It hasn't happened since.

 

She is going to ballet camp in a major city this summer for five weeks. It's the first time she will be away from home for more than a few days. Other than talking about safety (she will be riding the subway, etc) and driving her there, she is planning and preparing for this on her own.

 

She is researching dance companies and preparing to schedule auditions on her own.

 

She handles her own money, and has saved half the amount for a car (mom and dad pay the other half.)

 

Son is 14, and let's just say, he's a work in progress. :glare:

Edited March 31, 2010 by Mejane

[Pamela H in Texas]

A couple things and questions...

 

For the 26yo couch dweller part, we've covered that. My friend's parents said that a person had to be in school or paying room and board. We have always told our kids the same thing (adding that a significant number of hours at a volunteer job would work also though).

 

Question: Would Do Hard Things be appropriate for a family whose beliefs differed significantly from the average mainstream Christian's beliefs?

 

I think my kids are probably average at this time. They play too many video games, do the minimum we require (so not the bare minimum, but...) on their schoolwork and chores, etc. They do have a greater spiritual interest, are quite involved in volunteer work, and are generally GOOD kids (no worries about cursing, drinking, drugs, sex, running off, backtalking us to batty-ness, etc).

 

Anyway, they are independent with schoolwork for the most part. My daughter is responsible to figure out her stuff with her college mentor. I give my son the guidelines for how much to finish when and he answers to other teachers for some things.

 

And they make their own volunteer schedule, get ready and go on their own.

 

I have nothing to do with their laundry. In fact, I'm thinking of having my son put mine up regularly to help me out a bit more.

 

I do include spiritual studying and reading on my son's schedule, but my daughter does what she does when she does it.

 

I don't micromanage chores, school, screen time, etc. I figure they are almost grown and need to handle these things for themselves with just basic guidelines (we would put a stop to inappropriate shows or internet, insist on dishes being done, refuse to pay for college if they neglected it, etc).

 

Anyway, in some ways, my kids are WAY mature. In other ways, I think they're a bit behind. I don't mind it in the worldly ways, but I think we have room to grow :)

[myfunnybunch]

My 14 y.o. has autism, so we all struggle to find age-appropriate freedoms and tasks that match her abilities and judgement.

 

We just started allowing her to walk home from school alone. She is over the moon and works hard to make sure she continues to be responsible enough to keep doing it. She's responsible for her own laundry and room. Contrary to the what most parents of kids with autism seem to do, at least in our school system, I do not help her with homework unless she asks, nor do I contact teachers unless she comes to me with a problem. (This was something she asked for. I do advocate for her quite strongly at school meetings and when she asks for my help.) I am so tickled at her increasing independence, and so is she!

 

My 16 y.o. moved to her mom's this year. I think it's been really good for her. She gets herself to and from her high school and college classes and travels all over the city using public transportation. After some gentle prodding (and a reminder that we'll do it with her but won't do it for her) she has gotten herself on a track to graduate a year early and is looking into art colleges, financial aid and scholarship programs. Last year, we expected her to raise half the trip money and all of her spending money for her trip to Japan last summer. We told her she was not allowed to ask her grandmother for the money and that we would not pay her half even if it meant she lost her deposit.

 

Cat

[OhM]

Question: Would Do Hard Things be appropriate for a family whose beliefs differed significantly from the average mainstream Christian's beliefs?

 

 

 

I think it could be appropriate, or it could be annoying & heavy-handed... many of the examples given were in the context of the teens' Christian beliefs. (A few were not.) I think their "worldview" shows through pretty clearly, but maybe not obnoxiously? (It's hard for me to judge since I have many of the same beliefs as them.)

 

Maybe someone else who's read it and doesn't share their beliefs could speak better to it. The core message that teenage years are a great time to accomplish much is useful for anyone, though.

[Guest]

With my daughter (14), who has Asperger's, it has also been a struggle to find things she can physically manage to do (fine motor and general stamina issues). She now has a work-study type job at the riding stables where she takes lessons, which has been a huge boon for her in every way. She is asked to help out with younger kids during summer camp sessions there as well.

 

This has not transferred over to domestic life as I had rosy dreams of it doing originally... I am working on getting her to clean her own bathroom, do her own laundry, and keep her things tidy, but it is not only an uphill task but positively Sisiphean. Readers' responses have made me determined to keep plugging away, though.

[elegantlion]

We've always tried to have the forethought of how what we do will transfer to ds in his adulthood. With that..

 

- he's earned $ since he was small, so he can learn to manage money well before he leaves our home.

- packed his own bags for trips and such. When he was much younger we traveled more and we'd oversee, but now he's fully responsible.

- weekly chores

- he cleans his own room. He has say in the decor and arrangement.

- he occasionally goes to work with my dh (carpenter) and works all day.

- he pretty much gets say on what he wants to wear.

- he has an online account and trades gaming cards with people all over the country. Dh helped him set this up, it's been a great enterprise for him as he does the negotiation and the communication. Dh helps him if need be and I help him package and run him to the post office. He's learned a lot about business in the few months he been doing this, how to mail, how to be patient, disappointment, and unfortunately he's been scammed once.

- He's learning to help with dinners

- We give him a lot of choice and talk about the pros and cons of each choice

- we don't limit screen time or online time. He tends to self regulate

 

He fairly mature for his age, but he's still in the process of becoming.

[mcconnellboys]

I think all of these things sound good. We've done many of them with our boys, too.

 

My younger son is in middle school now and is getting to the age where he qualifies for teen groups. He has just joined a 4-H Service Club, which meets monthly to do different service projects. He's also doing an Iron Chefs group with them (which he's also done in past).

 

He is going tonight for his second meeting with our library Teen Board and is getting involved with that. They just had a party a month ago after the library closed, with music, movie, game play (board and video), etc.

 

He's getting involved with a new youth group at our new church. I hope that they will become involved in some volunteerism. We do a community garden there in the summer and he helped me with it last year, so I expect the same this year.

 

He's been playing soccer since he was 4 so I'd like to see him get qualified as a referee for that when he's old enough (another year, I think)......

 

He's interested in animals, so I'm looking into letting him work with a vet or an animal shelter, too..... (and I'm always looking.....)

[Impish]

With Diva, I think the most important thing is learning to every action, there's an equal and opposite reaction. We are doing our best to teach her (and its a work in progress...sometimes, just when I think she's grasped it, no, she doesn't) that SHE is responsible for her actions. She is the one that suffers for her poor choices, be it in attitude or money spending. She is the one that benefits when her choices are good...and most importantly, that her choices are just that. Choices, owned by her alone. No blaming others, no excuses, stand up, admit where you went wrong, and move on.

 

If there's one single thing that makes me absolutely have a full on, foaming at the mouth raging rant, its people that constantly blame others for their own choices.

 

I think when ppl are able to take responsibility for their own choices, they're a huge step towards maturity, and being able to handle life as an adult.

 

Unfortunately, there are too many 'adults' who haven't managed that one yet, and some that never will, that will always blame anyone other than themselves.

[jld]

I haven't been reading the maturity threads, but I guess my main thought would be letting them know we aren't planning on paying for their lives. We do want to pay their college, probably 4 years, and only after we think they've completed enough high school level work to be ready for it, and we'll probably provide a car if they need it (used), but that's about it. Well, I guess we would help pay for a wedding, too, if possible. But I don't envision lending them money to buy a house, or start a business, or take vacations, or anything like that. And the cost of raising their own kids is entirely their own, imho.

 

I think we should be nice as parents, but not too nice. We don't want to be used, and it's not good for the kids to let them use us, either. They'll feel better standing on their own two feet.

 

Once again, jmho.

[OhM]

Thanks for all these comments - your dc are inspiring! And there's quite a bit of food for thought.

 

Owning your own decisions - yes, yes, yes!

[Peela]

My two teens are very different in terms of maturity- and I am so glad the less mature one is the younger!

Both kids have had chores for years, and do their own washing, and have animal responsiblities.

Both are in the Scouting movement here, specifically Sea Scouts, which is co-ed al the way through .

Both work prt time for me in my cooking job, doing kitchen duties and waiting/waitressing.

 

Dd15 is naturally fairly mature and self starting. She taught herself to use public transport to give herself more freedom last year. She went on a 10 day camp when she was 14, over 1500kms away in the desert, and next week she heads out on another- both through Scouts/Venturers. She has been a Patrol Leader in Scouts and Chairman in Venturers. She thrives on social events and is a natural committee member type person- she is on several State committees with Venturers also, organising State wide events.

She sails on weekends frequently, with others her age.

Shewill get her driver's license the 2nd she is old enough. She craves her independence and freedo, so its mostly not an effort toget her to grow up- its more holdingher back. She wants to go to parties and I have severely limited that because of the binge drinking that is so prevalent.

 

Ds14 is a much later maturer. He was fired from his Patol leader position for immature behaviour, and although he has been offered it back, he doesnt want the responsibiity and has declined. He is however on the council and has recently done the organising for a hike for the whole patrol. he is not a natural organiser.

He has however decided that he wants a job and is filling out applications. He has bought himself a bike. He is good with money (he finds it everywhere- ever since he was small- he finds money on the ground- sometimes large amount! He has a nose for it somehow). He saves well for expensive items he wants. He just bought himself a good bike for more independence.

 

I have been struggling with both kids lately as they seemterribly unmotiated withtheir schoolwork. So I thought to get them to write a contract with me for what they would voluntarily finish in the week- it worked very well, and they gave themseves a reasonable amount of work, as well as the extra curricula tasks like reports for Scouts, that they had to complete. They completed it all and they really felt much more in control of their schoolwork. I have been trying to work out how to get them to take more ownership of their work.

[Rosie_0801]

Subtitle: Or how to prevent a 26yo couch-dweller when you want to have an empty nest? :D

 

 

That's easy. Charge them so much rent it's cheaper to move out.

My parents split while I was living at home, but over 18, so she never received child support for me. Once I realised it would only cost me an extra $50 per week to live elsewhere, I was elsewhere within a fortnight!

 

Rosie

[PiCO]

Subtitle: Or how to prevent a 26yo couch-dweller when you want to have an empty nest?

 

I have told my kids pretty much since birth that they move out when they're 18. Only half joking. They can live at home rent-free as long as they are in school actively pursuing a career.

 

I think the main goal of parenting is to produce a self-sufficient adult who contributes to society. To this end, I've been encouraging independence and self-sufficiency all along.

 

Right now I'm working with my older dd to know how she is motivated. She is not good at getting things done alone, she is a social animal and thrives with peers. So she needs to schedule organized activities for herself to exercise and study. She's not good at meeting deadlines unless someone else is relying on her.

 

Younger dd is very self-sufficient. She's an old soul, 11 going on 40. She needs to schedule time to have fun with friends.

 

Both my kids have been cooking since they could stand on a chair in the kitchen. Older dd cooks dinner for us a few times a month, younger dd can make pancakes from scratch, french toast, and assorted other breakfast items.

 

I do need to do a better job with how to keep a house clean. That's a life skill I never learned.

 

Both kids budget their own money. At 12 they get their own checking account, and a monthy allowance that they can save, or use to purchase clothing and other personal needs. Older dd paid for her car when she turned 16 ($1500). It took older dd about a year to figure out that she needed to leave her debit card at home. I think younger dd will be dressing in rags to save money.

[Retired]

12 yo, will be 13 next month, currently removing an old screen porch and will sand and refinish the porch, this is his afternoon school job

He also responsible for cooking meals several nights aweek

 

Both of my boys can run the home without me and do most of the home maintains, although my youngest is more gifted with working with his hands.

 

They both are learning the basic of car care. They maintain the cars with my DH helps

 

16 yo started his own business, he cleans and organizes peoples garages and also gives guitar lessons

 

The 16 yo is also responsible for his own school work.

He is currently learning the family budget and paying bills online for me.

He is totally responsible for his own time.

 

My goal is to have self sufficient adult by 18. My DH and I will help them out but we want them to be able to survive on their own if they need too

 

I was on own my 18 so I know what it takes. It was very hard but I would watch what I call the spoiled kids 18 -25 that mom and dad where still paying their way and life, I totally couldn't stand them. They were not adults. I was an adult at 18. I didn't have anything but my clothes when I left home and I even paid for those.

 

I will support my boys as long as they are willing to support themselves. They know if they are not attending college full time. Then they better have a full time job. They will not live off our hard work.

 

It would be hard but I would kick out a dead beat kid because I know it would be the best thing for them.

[Lolly]

Mine can cook and clean for starters. Dd17 is responsible for remembering to go to her activities and taking herself to them. She is also responsible for renewing her allergy/asthma medications when they are running low. She cooks dinner twice a week for the family. Does the grocery shopping when I cannot get to it. Basically, she takes care of herself.

[Gratia271]

We've always tried to have the forethought of how what we do will transfer to ds in his adulthood. With that..

 

- he's earned $ since he was small, so he can learn to manage money well before he leaves our home.

- packed his own bags for trips and such. When he was much younger we traveled more and we'd oversee, but now he's fully responsible.

- weekly chores

- he cleans his own room. He has say in the decor and arrangement.

- he occasionally goes to work with my dh (carpenter) and works all day.

- he pretty much gets say on what he wants to wear.

- he has an online account and trades gaming cards with people all over the country. Dh helped him set this up, it's been a great enterprise for him as he does the negotiation and the communication. Dh helps him if need be and I help him package and run him to the post office. He's learned a lot about business in the few months he been doing this, how to mail, how to be patient, disappointment, and unfortunately he's been scammed once.

- He's learning to help with dinners

- We give him a lot of choice and talk about the pros and cons of each choice

- we don't limit screen time or online time. He tends to self regulate

 

He fairly mature for his age, but he's still in the process of becoming.

 

This is outstanding! You have given me a lot of ideas for my son!

[Subterranean Society]

I think the common thread through this is empower them to make decisions early and give them responsibility, create opportunities for success and support them when they "fail". Build self-esteem, teach them to set goals and get them thinking about their future. Help them understand their motivations and desires, and nurture compassion and empathy.