Has anyone else lost friends because of homeschooling.

[susancollins]

I have two really close friends one was in my wedding and I have known her forever. The other one we are good friends and I have known her for about five years. We use to have cookouts and hang out at each others houses, all of our spouses get along good so it worked out great. Since I have been homeschooling they treat me as I am some weird unknown person. I am the same person. I just want my children to get a quality education and I love spending time with my children. I don't know what to do. It seems as if I am the only one reaching out to them. They make snide comments when I talk about homeschooling how they don't know how I can do it, and that’s just not for me. My question is what would you do?

[Hillary in KS]

I would stop talking about it.

[jujsky]

I don't know what to tell you. I'm sorry you're going through this -- it's nothing I've experienced within my circle of friends. Maybe you could lay it out and have a frank heart-to-heart about it? You know, "This is my life. I can understand if you don't support my decision, but please don't shut me out." :grouphug:

[Mejane]

My answer to your question is no, I have not lost friends due to homeschooling. My observation, fwiw, is that your friends feel threatened by this new development in your life. Most people don't like it when someone they know changes, for better or worse. If it were I, I'd tell them this is who I am now, and if they couldn't be at least civil if not supportive about it, I'd find new friends.

[ConnieB]

Sadly, it sounds like it is time to find new friends. Why people who previously supported and cared about someone who then decides to homeschool and suddenly find themselves unsupported is a mystery to me. Some of the somewhat plausible reasons I've heard over the years:

 

That somehow your removing your children from the public school is an afront to them, because they are still leaving their children in that same school (or system) and therefore your choice means they're doing "less" for their child than you are.....no amount of explaining that it's a choice that is right for YOUR family and not a judgment about others choices seems to make a difference.

 

Now that you are not involved in the public school world, expect that you and your children will become something of outsiders to those in that world. It's inevitable and not necessarily exclusive to homeschooling....it's just that you are no longer a part of their everyday life....you don't speak the language so to speak, lol. I think the same thing happens when you leave a job but try to remain friends with co-workers that you were very close to....or leave a church, or move from the neighborhood. Your focus changes, their focus is on the public school and talk of teachers, tests, vacations, festivals, fairs, fundraisers, whatever, will no longer mean anything to you....and your talk of curriculum choosing, the latest research or taking trips while their kids are sitting in a classroom will further alienate you.

 

All sounds rather grim and depressing, I know, and might make you wonder if you've made the right overall decision....maybe homeschooling is right for the educational purposes, but gosh if you're going to lose all your friends (and your kids lose their friends) is it worth it. Obviously, only you can answer that, but you probably thought long and hard before deciding to homeschool, so think long and hard before changing your mind because of the social/friend aspect. You are NOT destined to have a lifetime of loneliness, honest! But....you may find that you need to cultivate friends with like mind-sets. Find other homeschoolers to hang out with, join several support groups if there are multiple in your area, so that you can meet a wide range of people and find the right place for you and your family. And yes, mourn the loss of closeness with those other friends, but realize that this is a new season in your life, and homeschooling is apparently important to that season, so it's time to move towards it wholeheartedly.

 

I personally found that "I" was the one doing the changing and was lucky enough not to be gettin snide remarks from friends, but I did feel like we were drifting away. They all had a breakfast party the first day of Kindergarten to celebrate their "freedom", and each year apparently do the same thing to celebrate the kids going back to school and not being home all day. We had all been in a mommy group up til Kinder so I figured since I was homeschooling and they were not, that we'd just get together with the kids after they got home from their school, and we'd be done with ours....but I found we had less and less to talk about, and that I was uncomfortable about their attitudes. I would have been in tears to send my first to school, not out celebrating! I enjoy my children's company, and they mine, so we don't look for ways to be apart and are truly joyful when we have been apart and come back together. I tried for a couple of years to stay a part of that group but it was never the same and I finally realized I didn't need, and shouldn't, be living two lives....one where I hung with other homeschoolers and extolled the virtues of various homeschool philosphies, marveled and talked for hours about all the different curriculum choices, oooh and ahhed over others' purchases and proudly showed mine treasures to them for their oohs and ahhs.......instead of hanging with my old friends who complained about the teachers, the schools, the uniforms, their "brats" (their words), the hatred of the morning routine of getting them ready for school, packing lunches, having to drive them to school and pick them up, and the unending complaints about the homework. It became almost depressing to listen to, and VERY hypocritical when I would try to join in and complain too, but my heart wasn't in it.

 

I'm sorry that you are having to go through this change....it's not easy, but it's not the end of the world. It's a change. You will make friends again, and they will be of like mind and lift you up and support you when you're having a rough patch and be a source of joy and inspiration to your homeschool journey. But it takes time, so give yourself permission to take that time and even enjoy that part of the journey!

[Barb_]

Ick. Not cool. This is your life, not a paint color in your living room. Were they always shallow and you didn't notice before now? Or is this bringing out the worst in them somehow? I'm sorry for you because I know it's painful. What is your reaction to their comments?

 

Barb

[Jean in Newcastle]

I have two really close friends one was in my wedding and I have known her forever. The other one we are good friends and I have known her for about five years. We use to have cookouts and hang out at each others houses, all of our spouses get along good so it worked out great. Since I have been homeschooling they treat me as I am some weird unknown person. I am the same person. I just want my children to get a quality education and I love spending time with my children. I don't know what to do. It seems as if I am the only one reaching out to them. They make snide comments when I talk about homeschooling how they don't know how I can do it, and that’s just not for me. My question is what would you do?

 

I'm really tired and probably the answers are obvious but I have a couple of questions. You start out mentioning two friends. Is the "them" you are reaching out to one of the friends or both of them? Have the two friends formed a clique and are now shutting you out? And why are you the only one reaching out to them? Are they shutting other people out of their life? If so, the problem is deeper than a disagreement over homeschooling but some kind of heart issue (pride perhaps?) which is causing them to push away other people.

 

I think I would tend to leave an open door to them (invite them to your house, perhaps) but then not pursue it if they don't want to accept your invitation. Eventually it may indeed mean that they just drift away. :grouphug:

[justamouse]

Ugh, things like that are so hard. people feel threatened by strange things, and many people feel threatened by homeschooling because we're really being proactive parents and it DOES make other people feel less than-I'm not saying your judging them at all, but it seems like they are judging themselves and coming up short and taking that out on you.

 

If you really love these people then around them, if I had to say anything about homeschooling, I would make sure it wasn't defensive. Also, perhaps they have some homeschooling stereotypes in mind that you are unaware of?

[susancollins]

They have normally been great friends. One of the friends had children that went too private school with my daughter. When the private school went up on tuition, and I had an incident at the after school center I searched my heart and decided that homeschooling would be the best for my family. My other friend moved her daughter to another private school. She talked to me a lot about the school, but I didn’t feel the school was a good fit for our family. I don't know if she pictured or wanted the girls to grow up in school together or what her problem is? She just says I don't know how you aren't crazy.

My two friends who I am trying to reach out to, I do feel like they have formed a cliché and I am the one who is left out. I always have events at my house, and I am supposed to have an Easter Egg Hunt. I would love to get some of my new homeschool friends and their families, and my old friend and their families and have a huge celebration. My two old friends act as if homeschoolers are weird.

I have two other very close friends that I have been friends with one who doesn't have kids and the other does. They look at my kids and me and say wow you do a great job. Not ew like the other ones. The one that has kids asked me could she bus her daughter to my house so I could teach her. She was just joking.

Is it too much for me to ask that they not make comments? It’s not like I am forcing homeschooling down their throats. I just don't want the negative comments. When they make the comments I act like I don’t hear them. I usually change the subject.

[tenoraddict]

somehow your removing your children from the public school is an afront to them, because they are still leaving their children in that same school (or system) and therefore your choice means they're doing "less" for their child than you are.....no amount of explaining that it's a choice that is right for YOUR family and not a judgment about others choices seems to make a difference.

 

Now that you are not involved in the public school world, expect that you and your children will become something of outsiders to those in that world. It's inevitable and not necessarily exclusive to homeschooling....it's just that you are no longer a part of their everyday life....you don't speak the language so to speak, lol. I think the same thing happens when you leave a job but try to remain friends with co-workers that you were very close to....or leave a church, or move from the neighborhood. Your focus changes, their focus is on the public school and talk of teachers, tests, vacations, festivals, fairs, fundraisers, whatever, will no longer mean anything to you....and your talk of curriculum choosing, the latest research or taking trips while their kids are sitting in a classroom will further alienate you.

 

 

Both of these things happened to me this year (my 1st year hsing). A friend reacted very defensively when I told her I was hsing. Her kids are at the same private school mine attended; in fact, she's the one who told me about the school before we started there 7 years ago. She actually said that she wanted to be supportive, but her tone and other comments showed that she would have a hard time being so.

 

I like the analogy above of the leaving a job, neighborhood, etc. I compare it to an amicable divorce...you're still sort of part of the (former school) family - ie welcome at girls' night out, etc - but you don't know the new family members or inside jokes, so it's awkward. Our school was 90% of our social network, and I grieved for almost a year before we left, because I knew that we'd lose friends...people are busy, and if you don't cross paths, you just don't see each other. I've been ok, but it's been hard on my boys, this having to make new friends thing...

 

So maybe your friends feel threatened or closed out of your new adventure...or maybe they're just selfish and not who you thought they were. If they're friends worth keeping, you need to say something. If you're OK to move on without them, then you should.

[I talk to the trees]

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this! And I know exactly how you feel! When dd was tiny, I had 2 close friends with children dd's age. Friend "A"- whose MIL and SIL are schoolteachers and VERY against homeschooling- stopped inviting my dd over (for birthday parties, playdates, etc...) when I made the choice to homeschool, and eventually she cut off all contact with me as well. I tried calling her a couple of times, but the calls were never returned, and I'm pretty sure I know why. Friend "B," on the other hand, sends her dd to public school, but is very supportive and understanding of homeschooling. So I now have only one really close friend, and frankly, that's fine with me!

 

In your shoes, I'd probably make some lighthearted comments about how strange it feels to be the "oddball" in the group, but that everyone does some things that others might find strange, and golly! Isn't it great that we are all still such close friends despite our differences? Just find a friendly and non-confrontational way of saying that you would prefer to be treated as the same person you were before you made the homeschooling decision.

 

Hope everything works out okay!

-Robin

[Peela]

I became more distant from my friends, too. I used to have a weekly meeting with some girlfriends and I stopped that once i started homeschooling. I know my friends thought I was nuts.

I dont talk to them about homeschooling. I don't use them as sounding boards or people to complain to when I am having a rough time. I save that for other homeschooling mums and sometimes dh : ) No one else can possibly relate, anyway. So I keep to subjects I actually have in common with my friends, which is several topics.

I find that people with whom I have litte in common excepta history...we dont connect much. I onyl maintain friendshps where we have something ongoign on common- wit my friends, its music (we play music togethe), spirituality, and an ongoing healing discussion about dfficulties in our marriages and relationships (and the good times too).

SO maybe its time to evaluae...what do you have in common with these people NOW, not just in the past? People change, and we change in different directions. I think its normal and natural or our friendships to change also...not that we need to "dump" them , but we naturally spend more time with people we have more in common with.

[susancollins]

I am trying hard to not let it bother me. I think my husband is more upset for me then I am. He thinks I shouldn't have anything else to do with them, because of the way I have been snubbed and the little comments. I have several homeschool moms I am friends with and that helps. I just would like to maintain my past friendships even if it is talk just once a month.

[Dooley]

That somehow your removing your children from the public school is an afront to them, because they are still leaving their children in that same school (or system) and therefore your choice means they're doing "less" for their child than you are.....no amount of explaining that it's a choice that is right for YOUR family and not a judgment about others choices seems to make a difference.

 

I "lost" an old friend last year in part, I think, because of the above. She won't tell me directly what the deal is, but I know she has issues about it. She also felt I did not have the right to an opinion about public school (even though our oldest dd went to and graduated from a ps). I do think some take it a bit personally, and assume that WE assume we are better parents somehow.

 

I miss her-

[Alison in KY]

I'd give it a chance. One good difficult conversation with each of them that you let them know you care about them and you value their friendship, but that their anti-homeschooling comments are hurtful and that while you want to hang out with them, you do not want to hear any more comments about how crazy you are for doing it. Then invite them to your Easter shabang with a warm friendly invite. I think after that, you've done all you can do to try and bridge this gap that has developed. For their sake, I hope they understand, if not, then I'm sorry for them and for you, but I'd just move on without them being involved in my life.

 

Alison

[FaithManor]

We lost two sets of friends this way - People we were really close to! But, in both couples at least one spouse was a public school teacher. Their opinion was that by not placing our children in the public school, we were depriving their school district of per head funding which in their eyes, was unChristian to the other less fortunate children, we were negatively impacting the standardized test scores of the school district by removing bright children who would score well and help keep the "numbers" up, and practically threatening their personal job security. I found this rather irrational but Dh and I bit our tongues and just smiled sweetly. I guess they just took it as some sort of personal insult to them though none of our children would have had them as teachers.

 

It wasn't very long before they would barely speak to us in passing in the church hallways or at the grocery store. We've now completely lost track of each other. Sad, but not my problem. We've made new friends.

 

Sorry you have to go through this,

Faith

[Tess in the Burbs]

yes I have lost friends due to h'sing. Yes it hurt my feelings, and my kids feelings. My neighbor literally grabbed her kids and walked away when meeting us 3 years ago when I told her we hs ;-) People are judgmental and weird about h'sing. heck, my own dad is mean about it sometimes. Just don't talk with the about it if you are in social circles. I have found those people will never understand us...

[TXMomof4]

I don't know that I've 'lost' friends, but we have definately gone our seperate ways since I hs and she doesn't. She is room mother, PTA something or other, up at school all the time, involved like crazy. I have 3 children to educate and they are home all the time. So when she wanted to go to lunch, it just wasn't possible for me. She had evening committments every night when I wanted to go out.

 

I still love her, I miss her, but we aren't the friends we were when our kids were little. I think that's pretty normal. If it were simply that our kids were in different schools I don't think we would be as close as we were when we had playdays twice a week, kwim?

[HollyDay]

In a culture that is supposed to be so open minded and tolerant, I am finding it to be getting less and less accepting. My soapbox statement for the day :)

 

Seriously, yes, this has happened to me. It is as if your choice (different from theirs) makes them feel threatened or judged in some way. "Isn't what we are doing good enough for you?". They are projecting something (fear, anger, insecurity, ??) onto you.

 

You have a few options. You could return snide comment for snide comment. But, that will only degenerate the situation further and not be a good option.

 

You could sit down and ask very pointedly, but kindly, what is going on. why they are taking on this attitude. If they want to keep the relationship, they will talk openly. If not, you will get some variation of "I don't know what you mean?"

 

You could ignore it and put up with it, but that will make the friendship degenerate over time as well.

 

If this is a friendship breaker, then I would hope they would explain to you why your choice to homeschool is ending a long standing relationship. It is sad and it does hurt. But, you are making a solid choice for your family. Not a choice to run off to some illegal activity for goodness sake.