S/O to growing up poor; what if you weren't, but are now?

[1bassoon]

I'm surely not the only one in this boat.

 

I grew up in a fairly upper-middle class family; two kids, two working parents, dad in sales for a major corporation. We weren't spoiled, but I didn't have to worry about going to the doctor, or buying shoes, or paying for music lessons.

 

Not anymore.

 

I love my dh, but let's face it - he's a musician. And right now, an unemployed one at that. The best we have to look forward to is his being a college professor - which doesn't exactly pay the big bucks.

 

We have 5 kids, and one salary. It's just very - uh - different than I was raised. No new clothes. Shoes are a stretch. Scholarships keep my kids dancing and in piano lessons. Meat once a week. One glass of milk a day, that's it. Kids don't go to the doctor unless it's very serious.

 

I'm not complaining - I hope that comes across! :) I think there are some good things about not having what you want, or even need. I love, love, LOVE having 5 kids, and all the financial challenges that brings. I wouldn't stop homeschooling to go to work and make more $$. I really do (ok, except for the whole unemployment thing) love our life.

 

It's just - I don't know - strange. You grow up, thinking you will be giving your kids a better life than you have.

 

And they're not.

 

But maybe that's ok?

[RoughCollie]

You grow up, thinking you will be giving your kids a better life than you have.

 

And they're not.

 

But maybe that's ok?

 

It's not okay with me, in our situation. It's breaking my heart.

[LunaLee]

It's just - I don't know - strange. You grow up, thinking you will be giving your kids a better life than you have.

 

And they're not.

 

But maybe that's ok?

 

It's not okay with me, in our situation. It's breaking my heart.

 

Umm... I agree with both. My parents were divorced. We weren't poor, but we weren't rich either. I did a lot of stuff with my parents that we don't do with our kids, like traveling and camping. Of course we want better for our kids- I want to own our own home and things like that. I don't want to have to tell my kids "Unless you're broke or bleeding we aren't going to the dr." And someday I do feel like I'm saying "Geez, kids I'd love to___, but we just can't afford it." So ya, that kind of stuff breaks my heart and it's not okay.

 

But, my husband and I are still married, we have a great relationship, and dh works his butt off so I can stay home with the kids. Our kids have a Mom and Dad everynight and they aren't coming home to an empty house and a spare key in the BBQ. So in that sense, we are giving our kids better than what we have and that's okay too.

[PollyOR]

My parents worked hard (nurse and plumber). They lived in an old house, but they made sure the three of us had braces, swimming & tennis lessons, band, etc. DH's parents on the other hand were well off compared to us. His mom taught piano lessons and his Dad taught at a university. They were quite frugal. They paid cash for the last two houses they owned and they always pay cash for their vehicles.

 

I guess I compared DH to his parents and expected us to reach the same level. We won't and I've had to accept that the past couple of years. BUT, DH has a good job with adequate medical insurance and I am blessed to be a SAHM. Plus, our parents bless us financially. My parents only live in the other half of our duplex three months out of the year yet they pay rent all year. They are wonderful tenants! DH's parents are constantly blessing their kids monetarily. They decided to give us money while they are alive instead of waiting for the will.

 

I'll admit that it bugs me at times. All of DH's siblings live in much nicer houses than ours, but I doubt I would move even if we had the extra money.

[Rosie_0801]

It's just - I don't know - strange. You grow up, thinking you will be giving your kids a better life than you have.

 

And they're not.

 

But maybe that's ok?

 

 

I belong on the other thread, but dh belongs on this one. He's giving his kids a better life than his millionaire parents gave him. They chose to spend big bucks on a few things, but for the most part, he led a really deprived life from my perspective! He didn't even see the Wizard of Oz until he was 26. I mean really!! Millionaire parents and they couldn't manage that? :lol:

 

My parents did way better for us with their very small budget than his did for him.

 

Rosie

[JWSJ]

He didn't even see the Wizard of Oz until he was 26. I mean really!! Millionaire parents and they couldn't manage that? :lol:

 

I've been told by Europeans that The Wizard of Oz is "an American thing".

 

When we referenced the story, they had never heard of it.

 

So, it might be that the ocean is in the way. :)

[G5052]

I grew up better off than I knew -- there never was a lack of $ for piano, violin, debate, scouts, sports, braces, etc. and we never had a problem visiting relatives several times a year and going on an out-of-state vacation annually. As an adult I suspected that there was more $ than they let on, and that was confirmed when I was dealing with my Dad's estate issues (Mom is still alive). That said, we lived in an area with a fair number of people who were independently wealthy and did international vacations and sent their kids to Ivy League schools without financial aid. My parents paid for a year at a mid-range private school where I got a good scholarship, and then we got into a big disagreement and I paid for the rest by working and scholarships.

 

DH was dirt poor. His dad was a travelling preacher, and that was the only way they went anywhere other than the one time he took out a loan and took most of the kids on a month-long tour, driving to the West Coast. They mostly stayed with friends and relatives. They couldn't afford braces or college at all, and they all went to work as young teens.

 

We have decent income, but we have expenses that most families we don't have, and so we restricted our kids to an inexpensive martial art, homeschool co-op, and one takes piano (for all of $5/month, that's a story!). We've gone out of town on a trip as a family once in the last three years. At times I wish it wasn't that way, but I really don't dwell on it.

[1bassoon]

Thanks, everyone. Your thoughts and experiences are helpful to me as I process all this. . . . .

[FO4UR]

I grew up middle-class, and have lived my most of my adulthood below the poverty line...well below that line for the years dh was in seminary.

 

tbh - it's frustrating! tbh - I'm not willing to sacrifice my dc's childhood for financial security. I may have always had plenty of stuff, but I was raised by the ps system and the TV. I will live on ramen noodles before I do that to my dc. (and I've come very close to making good on that promise:lol:)

[3littlekeets]

Heather,

 

I'm sorry this is weighing heavily on you. I grew up flat broke --- my dad had chronic seizures and my mom waited tables. Sure, sometimes I hurt b/c we didn't have things that other people did, and one time, a girl came to my birthday party and left b/c she thought my house was in a "bad neighborhood."

 

And, in high school I wanted lots of things I couldn't have. We got our close from hand-me-downs and thrift stores. I never had Jordache or GV jeans! I was lucky if I had "girl" tennis shoes. I even begged my mom to look into boarding school scholarships -- I wanted to be Jo from Facts of Life:lol:.

 

I needed cosmetic braces...my teeth looked horrid! I used my student loan money as grad student to finally get them.

 

But, you know what? I've never taken anything for granted. EVER. I value and treasure anything that we have, and I also know that we could lose everything tomorrow, and we'd be just fine!

 

We could buy a PS3 for my kids, but we don't.

We could have new cars every few years,but we don't.

We could have a much nicer house than we do, but we don't.

My kids could be spoiled, but they aren't.

 

They know what we could do, but they are beginning to understand why we make our choices. After Haiti, my 11 year old said, "So mom, if all these people are rushing to help NOW, where are they when people here in our town need them? Why don't we have more people at the Animal Shelter or at Church Food Lunches?"

 

I teach in a University, and I'm appalled by the kids there some days...their expectations of what they "deserve," and I'm equally shocked by how parents use money to control their children. I just had one student break up with a guy she really loved b/c her parents said they'd take away her Land Rover:001_huh::001_huh:. Why? He was TOO UGLY and they DIDN'T want UGLY grandkids!!!! I'm NOT joking!

 

So, that's way more than you asked, but honestly, I don't think money makes for better people, and doing without luxuries never killed anyone. In fact, I know it made me a better person. Sure, there were times I wanted..but I realized that the song, "You can't always get what you want, but you get what you need," is so true for me. And, I learned to distinguish between the two. I'm trying to teach my kids the same lessons, kwim?

Edited February 4, 2010 by 3littlekeets

[Sandy in Indy]

I grew up comfortable. There was always enough for whatever we needed, and my parents weren't up at night figuring out how to pay the bills.

 

Unfortunately, that's not been my married life. In large part, it's our lifestyle choice--I could have been teaching all these years and making a nice salary. But that salary pales when compared to my children's needs and well being. They haven't had all the lessons or trips or lots of things I had when growing up...but they're great kids and thankful for what they have. My oldest has said to me, more than once, that she's so grateful that I stayed home with them and that she doesn't regret all the things that I wish I could have given her. My kids have learned to do without, and they've often heard "no."

 

I certainly hope that life is different financially for them. But I am assured that should they not be blessed monetarily, they will know how to live a happy, satisfied life.

[kewb]

It breaks my heart on many days that I am not able to give my children the same childhood experiences I had growing up. I did not even realize what a child of privilege I was until I was an adult. I thought everyone did the kinds of things we did. I had an amazing childhood with just one working parent.

 

We were a 2 parent working household until we started homeschooling. Even with dh and I earning very good salaries we barely made ends meet. We had all the necessities and a few perks but not the level I experienced growing up. And now that we are a one salary family I feel like I say "It's just not in the budget right now." more often then not.

 

On the days when it is not breaking my heart I realize that my children are happy. Yes, they experience frustration at not having everything they want or even everything their friends have. Yes, they wish we could travel. But, when I tell them they could go back to school and I could back to work and we can have all those things they say "No." So, I must be doing something right.

[Impish]

I grew up middle class. Dad was a truck driver, mom did daycare. There were never any money worries that I was aware of...but then, we didn't get much as kids that I realized. The only extra thing was sending my older brother and I to camp every summer.

 

But my Dad beat the snot out of me regularly.

 

We're unstable financially. Wolf has changed careers since we've been married, and was working seasonally. I went to work so he could start a business, and got hurt...and am now disabled.

 

He's finally landed a job that will be year round, so that will help tremendously.

 

We've had food bank moments, and applied for help at Christmas a few years in a row. It sucked, badly.

 

But, hopefully we're through that patch.

 

And none of my kids live in fear. That is worth living in poverty for, even if (as I pray mightily) those days are behind us now. We'll catch up on all our bills this first month of him at his new job, then start banking most of his pay.

 

Hopefully, I'll get a settlement soon that will go to a down payment on a house...and with what we bank from his job, we'll be able to move easily...and there's opportunity for a transfer with his current job. It would mean living in the city another 6 months, but I think that would be worth while...he's not so sure, and wants out ASAP.

 

We'll see what happens.

[Jackie in NE]

The thing that bothers me about not having enough money, is not the "stuff", but the opportunities missed. I grew up never getting "stuff". We were ranchers, and we grew up just working, working, working. I loved it. A couple of my siblings didn't love it so much, but that's a different story. Instead of learning to have stuff, I learned to love work, and love the land. I wouldn't trade it.

 

The only downside was that I also grew up "knowing" that I just couldn't do things. I couldn't go to vet school because it would take too long and cost too much. I couldn't study abroad because it would take too long and cost too much. There was a huge push for all of us to be as independent as possible as soon as possible. I felt like a bit of a financial burden.

 

But now, with my own dear kids, I want them to look at things and say "I can do that". If they want to study abroad, they should. If they want to go to a great Liberal Arts college, and then have to go to grad. school, they should. With our current cash poor, land rich situation, they will not be able to do these things.

 

That is why I'm back in school getting a 2nd degree. I want to make the money that is going to allow my kids to do things. We are not poor. My dd is basically getting a private school education with VP, lol. But we also drive 15 year old cars with a gazillion miles on them. We scrimp on food and electricity and clothes. We don't go out (except to the museums).

 

I just don't want them to feel like I did. I want them to be able to do the important things. I want them to live fully.

[TXMomof4]

 

It's just - I don't know - strange. You grow up, thinking you will be giving your kids a better life than you have.

 

And they're not.

 

But maybe that's ok?

 

I'm not sure they don't have a better life. I grew up without money. By the time I was in highschool we were ok, but my younger years were definately not financially secure. But I had a great life. I had wonderful parents. I wouldn't trade my childhood at all. There were difficulties, but they didn't harm me.

 

Money doesn't define the quality of life at all to me. I hope my children will remember their childhood with the joy that I remember mine.

[mom2koh]

For a bit I grew up with my parents scrimping. Then my mom went to work and my dad got a new position and money was never really an issue after that.

 

But, I was so sad that I didn't have my mom around that much anymore. The best times I remember from growing up were the tougher times. It was always an adventure.

 

Right now we are soooooo very tight on money but we have somehow made it work. It does help that my kids want for little as they are the only grandkids on both sides and live within 1 hour of both grandparents. ;)

 

But, we manage and I cling to the fact they have their mom and dad and a whole lotta love!

 

On a funny note: in the store the other day DS 2.5 asked for an item and DD 5.5 pointed out to him it was not on sale and we only buy on sale or clearance!:lol:

Edited February 4, 2010 by mom2koh

[gingersmom]

I grew up upper middle class.

 

We lived in a large house, housekeeper, fancy vacations, new cars every 3-4 years, private school (I hated hated private school)

 

But for all the trappings of "wealth" there was a lot lacking in my house.

 

My children had divorced parents and their father has since died.

They live in a house half the size I grew up in.

Our car is 9 years old and on its last leg (its actually in the shop right now).

We go on fancy vacations courtesy of my mother (aka birthday/chanukah presents).

 

What they are lacking in material things is made up in so many other ways. My children are 1000% closer to me than I was to my parents.

 

While I only wanted to get away from my parents, my children love spending time with me.

 

While it would be nice to have extra money every month and not have to wait for sales to do clothes shopping, etc. I would not change anything.

 

I have learned through many trials and tribulations that money is truly not everything.

[tricia]

Sister, I am there. And I've been there. I too growing up had no wants. I wasn't spoiled but whatever was needed was supplied. Fast forward to my family of 14!! We have 12 kids with 2 married and plenty of mouths still at home to feed!! I've never worked either and we have homeschooled for the whole time. Always lived on one income. And right now, my hubby is out of work until April due to a hand injury. Life sure is interesting isn't it. But the Lord provides and we are happy. Especially now that dad's home and he can take over some of the schooling.:lol:

[1bassoon]

I grew up comfortable. There was always enough for whatever we needed, and my parents weren't up at night figuring out how to pay the bills.

 

Unfortunately, that's not been my married life. In large part, it's our lifestyle choice--I could have been teaching all these years and making a nice salary. But that salary pales when compared to my children's needs and well being. They haven't had all the lessons or trips or lots of things I had when growing up...but they're great kids and thankful for what they have. My oldest has said to me, more than once, that she's so grateful that I stayed home with them and that she doesn't regret all the things that I wish I could have given her. My kids have learned to do without, and they've often heard "no."

 

I certainly hope that life is different financially for them. But I am assured that should they not be blessed monetarily, they will know how to live a happy, satisfied life.

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

 

Very, very well said, Sandy.

[angela in ohio]

It's just - I don't know - strange. You grow up, thinking you will be giving your kids a better life than you have.

 

And they're not.

 

But maybe that's ok?

 

Depends on how you define better life. :001_smile: I don't define it with money.

[1bassoon]

You know, I don't either. . . .

 

But my parents are definitely concerned about us (as i would be too, were one of my daughters in the same situation. . . . ) and they're not believers in Christ (as we are), so that makes for a different perspective.

 

Oddly enough, I'm content. :)

[Mabelen]

The thing that bothers me about not having enough money, is not the "stuff", but the opportunities missed. I grew up never getting "stuff". We were ranchers, and we grew up just working, working, working. I loved it. A couple of my siblings didn't love it so much, but that's a different story. Instead of learning to have stuff, I learned to love work, and love the land. I wouldn't trade it.

 

The only downside was that I also grew up "knowing" that I just couldn't do things. I couldn't go to vet school because it would take too long and cost too much. I couldn't study abroad because it would take too long and cost too much. There was a huge push for all of us to be as independent as possible as soon as possible. I felt like a bit of a financial burden.

 

But now, with my own dear kids, I want them to look at things and say "I can do that". If they want to study abroad, they should. If they want to go to a great Liberal Arts college, and then have to go to grad. school, they should. With our current cash poor, land rich situation, they will not be able to do these things.

 

That is why I'm back in school getting a 2nd degree. I want to make the money that is going to allow my kids to do things. We are not poor. My dd is basically getting a private school education with VP, lol. But we also drive 15 year old cars with a gazillion miles on them. We scrimp on food and electricity and clothes. We don't go out (except to the museums).

 

I just don't want them to feel like I did. I want them to be able to do the important things. I want them to live fully.

 

I agree with you. I grew up living pay check to pay check. I didn't mind not having trendy clothes or a car or a big house. I did mind not being able to learn to swim or to go to dance class or to take English as a foreign language lessons. I had a happy childhood, my parents were good loving parents and I had a stable family life, but there were so many opportunities missed... My situation now is better. We have enough money for our kids to experience those things that are important to them even though we do not have expensive cars/clothes and are frugal in lots of ways. I also make sure they know how lucky they are. I think it is important for children to be aware of how good they have it so they can fully enjoy life.

[Sue G in PA]

It is a much different society today. Growing up, we were not "rich" but we had what we needed, took vacations each summer, had new shoes, clothes, toys, etc...and that was on one moderate income b/c my mother stayed home. Even today my parents are quite well off. We, however, barely get by. I am not complaining, though. My husband works in education so not much of a salary there but I am willing to make the sacrifice so I can stay home with my kids. We shop consignment, Good Will, clearance at Target, coupon, accept hand-me-downs, etc. But I consider us blessed. We have a roof over our heads, 2 working vehicles, food, clothing, clean water, books galore, kids have more toys than they know what to do with, a TV, cell phones, washer and dryer, computer, etc. We are BLESSED. My kids complain that they can't have this or that newest gadget or video game or that we can't afford to take vacations or send them to camp but they don't realize what they have. The earthquake in Haiti really hit me hard...it made me realize just how much I have and am not grateful for. Sure, I complain sometimes and get down in the dumps when I have to say "no" yet again to a child begging to go to here or there like their friends do. But God is quick to remind me of my fortune. Our society is so materialistic. And I am sad to say that I fell prey to that thinking more than once. By the world's standards, we are poor. By God's standards, we are rich.

[Liz CA]

It is very hard - more for the adult than the kids, but let me tell you I don't remember that the budget was tight (being raised by a single mother) but all the fun I had living at Grandma's during the day and going home in the evening. There was not much of anything until my mother retrained and worked in an office. Memories are made of different things like long summer evenings on the porch, digging around in the garden with Grandma, playing with the neighbor kids, etc.

 

[JeneralMom]

Sorry, haven't read all the answers. I grew up extremely wealthy - yachts, private schools, expensive clothes, vacations and restaurants, etc. Everyone I knew was either very well off or the kids we called poor (you know, the ones whose parents didn't have a vacation home or yacht) were few and far between. However, I was extremely lonely and ignored as a child. My parents treated us as a burden, ditched us for international vacations as often as possible (the first time when I was 10 weeks old for a 6 week trip to Central America), and pretty much only had us because it was expected of them. My father is actually nobility, so we were raised very properly and strictly. I decided to become an anthropologist because "money won't matter to me"...never realizing that I would, literally, become a starving grad student. DH was raised in a paycheck-to-paycheck family of 5 kids. There was no money for college, so everyone worked. I used to pity people who didn't have the newest, the best of everything.

 

Then, the bottom fell out, and we lost everything because of some shady dealing by some provincial politicians in Quebec which forced my parents to move to the US where my father helped resurrect a business and then got screwed when they sold the business and somehow managed to have signed documents saying my father relinquished his share of the business. Needless to say, that court case cost the last little money they had.

 

When I married DH and we had kids we realized we would not be well off and would struggle. I had to realize that I was going to be one of those people I pitied and that my children would probably never understand how I grew up, nor will I understand how their childhood of second hand clothes and deprivation is. But, having said all that, I am happier now than I ever was when I was rich. Yes, having money easier, and life simpler, but happiness is not monetary, it is mental and physical. As my brother says (after getting an incredible job in the low 6 figures) "I am making lots of money now, and can give my family everything, but I am so miserable and stressed I can't enjoy it and I am making them hate me."