S/O ... So dh and I took our family out to dinner (re: footing the bill)

[milovany]

This is a spin off from the potluck thread, where a relative asked for a monetary contribution to a potluck meal she'd hosted in her home.

 

SO, my husband and I saved some money up and took the kids out for a dinner at a nice restaurant. We rarely do this -- where the kids could order what they want WITH a drink -- and were all excited. Well, the meal was planned for after Vespers on a weeknight -- many times most the people from church would go to Pizza Hut or Taco Bell after church to have a meal together. So I sent out an e-mail a week ahead of time saying our family was planning to go to this other restaurant after such-and-such Vespers and if anyone wanted to join us that would be great (and to please let us know so we could make reservations). I also linked the restaurant's menu in the context of "here's the price range of the meals this restaurant offers." We in no way intended to pay for everyone's meal -- and I'm pretty sure they all knew that. We couldn't afford that -- we just were planning a nice meal, and we all enjoy each other's company.

 

Do you mean that people might have been expecting us to pay? I'm confused by this after reading the other thread. Gosh I hope we didn't commit a huge etiquette breach, but at the same time I hope it's not against etiquette to plan a group meal where other people could join you if they wanted to (but pay their own bill).

 

??

[jujsky]

If I received an e-mail like that, I would assume that each family would pay their own way (unless the e-mail stated that the family would want to treat us to dinner).

[rwjx2khsmj]

IMO, a group announcement like that does not carry the same financial intention as an invitation to dinner would. If a friend said in a passing way, we are going to be going to xyz after church we'd love to have you come along. I'd understand that my presence was wanted but I would be paying my own way. However, if the friend said, we'd love to take you to xyz then I'd understand that they were paying. The safe way is to make a request for separate checks up front, then everyone knows that they are responsible for their own food.

 

In my experience, even when we host a birthday party or event at a restaurant, people offer to pay for their own part.

[KristenS]

I would've assumed it was a pay-your-own kind of event, if that helps. :) Informal restaurant get-togethers always strike me as that way. I've occasionally assumed that only to find the host covers everything, but that's just more a pleasant surprise. I think you were fine. And even if someone got it wrong ... they were only charged for their portion ... not stuff they didn't eat, or an overhead charge, or anything like that.

[Carol in Cal.]

And I do think you were clear.

You can add the phrase 'no host' into the invitation if you want to send the clearest possible signal, but I think you were already clear.

[Aubrey]

I always, always assume pay-your-own. Everybody's less likely to be embarrassed that way. The problem is how to communicate the idea eloquently. If YOU are inviting & YOU intend to pay, that's easy. Every other situation is potentially awkward. :001_huh:

 

In our circles, it's assumed everyone will pay their own unless someone specifically says otherwise. Given that, a close friend brought her fiance to meet dh & I one weekend, & we suggested going to eat. They agreed, & he asked as we all walked to the door if we were sure we could afford to take them out to eat, or something to that effect. :blink:

 

It worked out fine--that was back in our rich days (lol) when I was teaching. I think in that case, I probably phrased the suggestion badly, but there was obviously a different set of experiences there informing each party.

[OrganicAnn]

While I think most of the people who read that would understand that you aren't paying, I have known people who would purposely take any ambiguous situation as an opportunity to try to get someone to pay for them. Even outwardly nice, church going people. As long as you are confident in the people you sent the message to, you should be okay.

[LauraGB]

If I received an email like that, I would definitely feel I was invited to a social gathering, with the intent to hang out with the people who invited me, and fully expect to pay for anything I ordered myself. Absolutely. And I'd feel very good about being invited :).

[Word Nerd]

I don't think it's the same situation at all. How you handled it is perfectly reasonable.

[milovany]

*****WHEW***** Thank you for your responses.

 

I'm pretty sure everyone took it that way. WELLLLL, until the hostess popped in at the beginning and made an announcement that my mom called (from another state) and said that our meal was on them. She knew our family was going there for dinner, and called with that surprise. But she didn't know there were several other families there, LOL; still I think it was pretty clear that this gift of a dinner was for the nine in OUR family, not for everyone there. Apparently another couple didn't "get that memo" and thought my parents were buying for everyone. :blink:

 

After the waitress took all the separate orders, I took her aside and said, "Look, just hand out checks at the end to everyone; I know my parents didn't mean they were buying all the dinners." And it worked out.

[tex-mex]

Hey,

I'll jump in this one as I was the one who mentioned the restaurant scenario. We were invited by a friend to celebrate his daughter's (27 yr. old - we barely know her) birthday at a very upscale and expensive restaurant. Never in a million years would we choose to go eat there normally. This friend of ours (in our group of friends) is an executive who normally foots the bill for lunch and dinner on a casual basis. (Not for my family -- but for hubby and his colleagues) The other group of friends in this same crowd normally invite a group out to dinner and often foot the bill for 10-15 people. We don't go and take advantage of the situation nor do we go out often with this group. They are very generous.

 

Here was the real scenario I wrote of in better detail -- we were invited to go out to this pricey restaurant and the host knew financially we could not afford to eat there. So, we went and awkwardly ordered the cheapest platter and water -- no appetizers. When the bill came, the host (girl's father) suddenly told the waiter he wanted the bill to be in separate checks. Normally, when we are with folks -- that is made VERY CLEAR UPFRONT that everyone self-pays or the hosts tells the waiter when everyone orders that there will be SEPARATE CHECKS before everyone orders (and everyone hears this). This guy decides afterwards to demand the waiter to go back and re-do the checks (everyone is silent... bday girl seems to be embarrassed) -- minutes later, the father makes the point of handing out everyone's check. He then says out loud that my family doesn't have to pay as we are his guest. (Wow. Tacky.) Which makes the other young adults (most who are starving students in college) uncomfortable. Later, many of them complained about it in private. We found out about the whole mess as we all attend the same church.

 

So, all of this to say...

If the group you normally hang out with has the unspoken rule of everyone pays, great. If the group you hang with has one fat cat paying for everyone, fine (don't take advantage of it, tho'). I have been in other circle of friends where the etiquette is when inviting one another to lunch or dinner is making it clear who is treating or are we all going dutch. This bday party was poor miscommunication -- and ironically -- the father could afford the meal to honor his daughter. He just was being a cheapskate.

 

P.S. Hubby thinks his friend was upset that the college aged kids were ordering expensive meals, appetizers, dessert and lots of alcohol. We both agree he should have been very clear in his invite as to whom would be responsible for the final bill. It caught a lot of folk off guard.

Edited January 3, 2010 by tex-mex

[Macrina]

If I received an e-mail like that, I would assume that each family would pay their own way (unless the e-mail stated that the family would want to treat us to dinner).

 

:iagree:

[Granny_Weatherwax]

I have a story to share -

our finances have been tight this year and we are cutting costs in numerous places, which included not eating out unless it was a super special occassion. DH has a good friend with money to spare; he also knows about our finances. He called DH one day and said "Hey, your family needs a break. Let's meet for lunch at XYZ." XYZ, although not an expensive restuarant, was beyond what we could spend at that time. DH and I both thought that the friend was paying for lunch so DH agreed and we went.

 

We all had a nice lunch, good company, funny stories, it was wonderful. However, when the bill came the friend promptly asked for our portion of the check. DH was embarassed as we didn't have cash at that time so we couldn't give him the money. We ended up asking for separate checks and using our debit card to pay for our lunch.

 

We were wrong to assume the friend was paying? Especially with the way he worded the invitation?

[katilac]

I have a story to share -

our finances have been tight this year and we are cutting costs in numerous places, which included not eating out unless it was a super special occassion. DH has a good friend with money to spare; he also knows about our finances. He called DH one day and said "Hey, your family needs a break. Let's meet for lunch at XYZ." <snip>

 

We were wrong to assume the friend was paying? Especially with the way he worded the invitation?

 

To me, "let's meet for lunch" means everyone pays for their own meal, and "let me take you to lunch" means that person is offering to pay.

 

BUT - - your friend muddied the waters for sure when he said the bit about your family needing a break, particularly as he knows money is tight for you. I can easily see how that sounded like an invite. Did he think the mere privilege of eating with him constituted a "break" for you, lol?

[PiCO]

P.S. Hubby thinks his friend was upset that the college aged kids were ordering expensive meals, appetizers, dessert and lots of alcohol. We both agree he should have been very clear in his invite as to whom would be responsible for the final bill. It caught a lot of folk off guard.

 

I sometimes surprise people and foot the bill for dinner when everyone thought it was Dutch treat. I used to tell people up front that I was paying, until the above scenario happened to me. I did cover the tab, but I was not happy that people throught it was OK to take advantage of me like that.

[Mommyof4ks]

I agree, that is a very different situation. When we go out to eat with friends, I fully expect to pay for our family unless or until I am told otherwise. When I go to a potluck I figure what I bring is all that is expected unless something was stated otherwise upfront. I generally don't have cash, so if someone at a potluck asked me for money after we got there they would be out of luck lol.

[Daisy]

We never know even with my inlaws. Their wording is so ambiguous. I'm a frank kind of person and I would just ask but Dh thinks that is rude. So many, many times we've sweated through a meal wondering if we should offer to pay our portion, wait for the check, wait for them to say something, pay for the entire meal, etc. UUGH. I hate that.

 

So when we are doing the inviting, I'm always very clear about the wording.

[Daisy]

I agree, that is a very different situation. When we go out to eat with friends, I fully expect to pay for our family unless or until I am told otherwise. When I go to a potluck I figure what I bring is all that is expected unless something was stated otherwise upfront. I generally don't have cash, so if someone at a potluck asked me for money after we got there they would be out of luck lol.

 

:iagree: Potlucks by their definition, imo, mean that you bring a dish and some drinks and that's it.

[tex-mex]

I sometimes surprise people and foot the bill for dinner when everyone thought it was Dutch treat. I used to tell people up front that I was paying, until the above scenario happened to me. I did cover the tab, but I was not happy that people throught it was OK to take advantage of me like that.

 

Oh yeah! That's why when those individuals do invite us out to eat (and I know they are paying) we always order carefully and the cheapest without looking like a leech. They are kind folk. BUt yes, I've seen so many others take advantage of them.

[lionfamily1999]

This is a spin off from the potluck thread, where a relative asked for a monetary contribution to a potluck meal she'd hosted in her home.

 

SO, my husband and I saved some money up and took the kids out for a dinner at a nice restaurant. We rarely do this -- where the kids could order what they want WITH a drink -- and were all excited. Well, the meal was planned for after Vespers on a weeknight -- many times most the people from church would go to Pizza Hut or Taco Bell after church to have a meal together. So I sent out an e-mail a week ahead of time saying our family was planning to go to this other restaurant after such-and-such Vespers and if anyone wanted to join us that would be great (and to please let us know so we could make reservations). I also linked the restaurant's menu in the context of "here's the price range of the meals this restaurant offers." We in no way intended to pay for everyone's meal -- and I'm pretty sure they all knew that. We couldn't afford that -- we just were planning a nice meal, and we all enjoy each other's company.

 

Do you mean that people might have been expecting us to pay? I'm confused by this after reading the other thread. Gosh I hope we didn't commit a huge etiquette breach, but at the same time I hope it's not against etiquette to plan a group meal where other people could join you if they wanted to (but pay their own bill).

 

??

As long as it is clear on the outset that you will not be footing the bill.

 

Plopping a bill down after the fact, or in the case of the other thread, having people contribute to begin with and then demanding further contribution once they've already given the initial contribution is rude. If the sister would've been a business owner no one would've given a second thought to saying she violated full disclosure and refusing to pay.

[SonshineLearner]

I would invite and mention a "no-host" invite:-)

Carrie:-)