Is it tacky to bring a flask to visit in-laws?

[GWOB]

I think I may need it this week:glare:.

 

We managed to avoid family for Christmas thanks to everyone having other plans and a large blizzard. Unfortunately, we must visit the in-laws this week. Now, I love my in-laws, but they drive me nuts. Mil and fil are divorced and live 1 1/2 hours apart. Fil lives on the dark side of the moon. There is absolutely nothing around there. Fil and smil plan nothing while we are there. And they chain smoke in the house. Which is small. And cold. So basically we will be leaving our house in the middle of nowhere to go to their house in the middle of nowhere. And we will all sit around staring at one another. This will be the good part of the trip;).

 

Then there is mil. Mil has been married three times. She is currently dating someone she met online. Fine. She is a grown woman and can do whatever she wants. Here's the problem. While my oldest two were visiting her this summer she introduced them to her boyfriend without our permission. She had him over to her house around our kids. They all went out to a movie together. All without our knowledge. I was not impressed.

 

Now, mil is quite a flake and is wishy-washy about this guy. She does communicate well, yet expects you to understand what she is saying. So, she was coming ti visit in Sept. Fine. We (meaning dh as mil has effectively circumvented my authority on all matters) told her it was a bad time, but she insisted and got her way. About 2 weeks before she was to come, she informed ME, not her son, that she was bringing her boyfriend and they were staying in a hotel. Now, I'm no prude, but I do think that sends the wrong message to my children. Dh felt as though we had no leg to stand on since 10 years ago we got pregnat before we were married. Anyway, during this trip she informed us that she was going to bring her bf to see our house. We begged her not to as we were super busy and the house was a mess. She insisted, we insisted more, and eventually had to get harsh with her before she dropped the issue.

 

She didn't talk to us for a while:001_smile:. So, Thanksgiving we were going to her house. She told us her friend (a female) would be there when we got in. We get there and there is her bf. (I was just mad that she seems to hide him.) Anyway, Thanksgiving day she makes a passive agressive comment about us not allowing her and her bf to stay in our house. Um, she never asked and we would have said no because it is inappropriate. So, a couple days later she offers to watch the kids while we go shopping, saying she will take them to the park "Right there." Dh and I both talked to her and thought it sounded good. We meet mil for lunch with bil and sil. Mil then informs the CHILDREN that she will be taking them to the park by her bf's house and they will go to his house later. Umm, nope.

 

So we have it out with her. Say its not ok to take our kids to her bf's house. She flips, write dh a nasty Christmas card. and now we have to go see her in front of her entire family.

 

So can I bring a flask? Please?

[plain jane]

Well I would think it would be very inconsiderate of you to do so...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

If you didn't bring one along for dh as well. ;):lol:

 

 

Seriously, though. I'm sorry to hear how stressful this is for you. My ILS are tough to get along with sometimes too. Heck, so are my parents. And my siblings. :tongue_smilie:

[ChristusG]

Well, I don't drink. But I'd bring chocolate.....lots of chocolate. And go find a back room and sit and stuff myself full of chocolate while listening to the ruckus in the living room. ;)

[Jean in Newcastle]

Wendy, does your dh want to visit his Dad and Mom? Perhaps he should go visit on his own? Or you could visit your fil and smil at a restaurant? Tell them you will take them out as a treat.

 

RE. your MIL and her bf? Why are you so adamant that your children not be around him? Are you afraid that he is someone unsavory or criminal that she has picked up? Have you met him? Does he do or say inappropriate things in front of the children? I think children of your kid's ages wouldn't read anything untoward into it if you just introduce him as Grandma's friend. Now, I wouldn't want my kids alone with someone that I didn't know well. And and even then, I tend not to leave young kids alone with others because I'm rather paranoid about the safety of my kids. We are conservative Christians who believe in the sanctity of marriage but our kids have met many loved ones who do not practice as we do. We don't make an issue of it. Perhaps, again, it might be better to meet them (and I think to honor your MIL it should be both of them) at a restaurant where you can have a nice visit but everyone tends to be on better behavior.

 

In between the visits I would take the kids to a park on the way so that they could get out all their wiggles.

 

I know - you were probably just venting and didn't want advice so please ignore this if it isn't appropriate.

[Jen in PA]

I'm not sure they make flasks big enough for this situation. Maybe bring two?:D:D

[GWOB]

Wendy, does your dh want to visit his Dad and Mom? Perhaps he should go visit on his own? Or you could visit your fil and smil at a restaurant? Tell them you will take them out as a treat.

 

RE. your MIL and her bf? Why are you so adamant that your children not be around him? Are you afraid that he is someone unsavory or criminal that she has picked up? Have you met him? Does he do or say inappropriate things in front of the children? I think children of your kid's ages wouldn't read anything untoward into it if you just introduce him as Grandma's friend. Now, I wouldn't want my kids alone with someone that I didn't know well. And and even then, I tend not to leave young kids alone with others because I'm rather paranoid about the safety of my kids. We are conservative Christians who believe in the sanctity of marriage but our kids have met many loved ones who do not practice as we do. We don't make an issue of it. Perhaps, again, it might be better to meet them (and I think to honor your MIL it should be both of them) at a restaurant where you can have a nice visit but everyone tends to be on better behavior.

 

In between the visits I would take the kids to a park on the way so that they could get out all their wiggles.

 

I know - you were probably just venting and didn't want advice so please ignore this if it isn't appropriate.

 

Advice is fine!

 

I have no problem with MIL's bf. He seems very nice. I have a huge problem with MIL bringing my kids around a man I don't know well. Without my permission. Introducing him as basically a grandpa figure without any reall long-term commitment. And being super passive-aggressive about it.

[elizabeth]

nt

[Lisa R.]

but could you bring along a DVD and watch it together? It would pass the time, keep everyone occupied, and provide the physical presence of a visit that you feel obligated to give.

 

I'm not a fan of watching TV together instead of talking, but if it helps you get through the visit, I'd consider it.

[Rosie_0801]

Advice is fine!

 

I have no problem with MIL's bf. He seems very nice. I have a huge problem with MIL bringing my kids around a man I don't know well. Without my permission. Introducing him as basically a grandpa figure without any reall long-term commitment. And being super passive-aggressive about it.

 

I can quite understand you not wanting her to take your kids to this chap's place, since you don't know him and evidently don't trust her judgment. I don't see what is wrong with Grandma having a boyfriend. Women who get married usually have boyfriends first, and if she gives him the flick later on, well that happens. Regardless of where you stand on the dating/courtship issue, most people don't marry each person they date. Your kids will probably be fine with "Oh, he's not Grandma's boyfriend any more" and if they ever comment on how many boyfriends Grandma has, well that's an excellent opening to a conversation about your values.

 

For context, I can't stand my mother's partner, I think he's a dirty old man. I would never leave my kids with him (fortunately they are on the other side of the country) and am very happy when he doesn't visit; but I don't think it's right to actually tell Mum not to bring him. We just cross our fingers she doesn't. I think you ought to let Grandma bring her boyfriend, but since you don't approve of co-habiting, having them stay at a hotel is an excellent compromise. I doubt the kids will give too much thought as to whether they share a room, and if they do, you can either use that as an opening to a talk about your values or tell them it's not their business.

 

I do think it is rude if she invites him without your permission, but in families, unless the significant other is particularly objectionable (is a drunk, druggie or some such thing) it should be expected that they are invited too. Or that's how it is with my family. I know it isn't in other people's families (like dh's for instance :glare:)

 

Rosie

[kalanamak]

I think I'd fake stomach flu, and spend the trip reading a book in the jon and periodically making retching and spitting noises, and flushing a lot. Tanking up on some bean the day before could add to the ruse.

 

I haven't done the beans bit, but I did do the fake flu once. I think I re-read Catch-22 lying in a dry bathtub.

[Mama Bear]

Why are you going? Would anyone actually die if you didn't visit? I have a BCR* who is spoken to kindly on the phone and seen a couple of times/yr because there is not enough time or energy in the universe to undo or repair what BCR does to my kids with more opportunity than that. Crazy we treat with compassion and well-tended boundaries. Evil we do not tolerate, period. After many years of family, um, complexities, I'm learning to reframe the whole scenario so my group gets to stay sane and safe.

 

If you need to think about a flask, even in jest, I'd be rethinking how I want to expend my precious energy. 'Cause I have so BTDT and if I had it to do over again I'd change some very specific things.

 

*BCR = Boundary Challenged Relative, as originated by PariSarah.

 

:grouphug:

Edited December 30, 2009 by Mama Bear

[LauraGB]

I agree with Jane and Elizabeth; at least you can hide it in a pocket - beats hiding it in the trunk and running out to your car every 5 minutes.

 

Sorry about your situation - I have no good advice other than to okay the flask. :grouphug:

[cin]

I'm thinking a flask won't cut it. I think you should take one of these. :sneaky2: (the smiley looks mean, but is called sneaky)

 

This one would be good too!

Edited December 30, 2009 by cin
found something better!

[GWOB]

I can quite understand you not wanting her to take your kids to this chap's place, since you don't know him and evidently don't trust her judgment. I don't see what is wrong with Grandma having a boyfriend. Women who get married usually have boyfriends first, and if she gives him the flick later on, well that happens. Regardless of where you stand on the dating/courtship issue, most people don't marry each person they date. Your kids will probably be fine with "Oh, he's not Grandma's boyfriend any more" and if they ever comment on how many boyfriends Grandma has, well that's an excellent opening to a conversation about your values.

 

For context, I can't stand my mother's partner, I think he's a dirty old man. I would never leave my kids with him (fortunately they are on the other side of the country) and am very happy when he doesn't visit; but I don't think it's right to actually tell Mum not to bring him. We just cross our fingers she doesn't. I think you ought to let Grandma bring her boyfriend, but since you don't approve of co-habiting, having them stay at a hotel is an excellent compromise. I doubt the kids will give too much thought as to whether they share a room, and if they do, you can either use that as an opening to a talk about your values or tell them it's not their business.

 

I do think it is rude if she invites him without your permission, but in families, unless the significant other is particularly objectionable (is a drunk, druggie or some such thing) it should be expected that they are invited too. Or that's how it is with my family. I know it isn't in other people's families (like dh's for instance :glare:)

 

Rosie

 

Oh Rosie, I love you btw! You crack me up!

 

Ok. I am sooo not a prude. I don't care if people co-habitate or not. I get that people don't marry everyone they date. The issue with dear mil is that she introduced this man without our permission. Heck, this man saw my ds's willy (he had a bug bite the size of Texas on it) before I ever met him. This man that she met on the internet. And she sees no problem with that. I admit I may be a little paranoid about strange men entering my children's live, but come on! Do you have to show your bf my son's p*nis before I've ever met him?

 

The funny this is, I do like mil's bf. I like him more than mil's dh#3. The problem is that mil has a history of circumventing our parental authority. And she obviously has bad judgement with men as she cannot seem to keep one in her life. I would be totally fine with mil's bf if I knew he would stick around for a while, but mil is so shady about him, it makes me wonder.

[GWOB]

I'm thinking a flask won't cut it. I think you should take one of these. :sneaky2: (the smiley looks mean, but is called sneaky)

 

This one would be good too!

 

OMG!!!:lol::lol::lol: That would so work! I am a runner. I could totally pass that off as water, when really it would be vodka.

[GWOB]

Why are you going? Would anyone actually die if you didn't visit? I have a BCR* who is spoken to kindly on the phone and seen a couple of times/yr because there is not enough time or energy in the universe to undo or repair what BCR does to my kids with more opportunity than that. Crazy we treat with compassion and well-tended boundaries. Evil we do not tolerate, period. After many years of family, um, complexities, I'm learning to reframe the whole scenario so my group gets to stay sane and safe.

 

If you need to think about a flask, even in jest, I'd be rethinking how I want to expend my precious energy. 'Cause I have so BTDT and if I had it to do over again I'd change some very specific things.

 

*BCR = Boundary Challenged Relative, as originated by PariSarah.

 

:grouphug:

 

You so hit the nail on the head there sista.

[rookie]

I think I may need it this week:glare:.

 

We managed to avoid family for Christmas thanks to everyone having other plans and a large blizzard. Unfortunately, we must visit the in-laws this week. Now, I love my in-laws, but they drive me nuts. Mil and fil are divorced and live 1 1/2 hours apart. Fil lives on the dark side of the moon. There is absolutely nothing around there. Fil and smil plan nothing while we are there. And they chain smoke in the house. Which is small. And cold. So basically we will be leaving our house in the middle of nowhere to go to their house in the middle of nowhere. And we will all sit around staring at one another. This will be the good part of the trip;).

 

Then there is mil. Mil has been married three times. She is currently dating someone she met online. Fine. She is a grown woman and can do whatever she wants. Here's the problem. While my oldest two were visiting her this summer she introduced them to her boyfriend without our permission. She had him over to her house around our kids. They all went out to a movie together. All without our knowledge. I was not impressed.

 

Now, mil is quite a flake and is wishy-washy about this guy. She does communicate well, yet expects you to understand what she is saying. So, she was coming ti visit in Sept. Fine. We (meaning dh as mil has effectively circumvented my authority on all matters) told her it was a bad time, but she insisted and got her way. About 2 weeks before she was to come, she informed ME, not her son, that she was bringing her boyfriend and they were staying in a hotel. Now, I'm no prude, but I do think that sends the wrong message to my children. Dh felt as though we had no leg to stand on since 10 years ago we got pregnat before we were married. Anyway, during this trip she informed us that she was going to bring her bf to see our house. We begged her not to as we were super busy and the house was a mess. She insisted, we insisted more, and eventually had to get harsh with her before she dropped the issue.

 

She didn't talk to us for a while:001_smile:. So, Thanksgiving we were going to her house. She told us her friend (a female) would be there when we got in. We get there and there is her bf. (I was just mad that she seems to hide him.) Anyway, Thanksgiving day she makes a passive agressive comment about us not allowing her and her bf to stay in our house. Um, she never asked and we would have said no because it is inappropriate. So, a couple days later she offers to watch the kids while we go shopping, saying she will take them to the park "Right there." Dh and I both talked to her and thought it sounded good. We meet mil for lunch with bil and sil. Mil then informs the CHILDREN that she will be taking them to the park by her bf's house and they will go to his house later. Umm, nope.

 

So we have it out with her. Say its not ok to take our kids to her bf's house. She flips, write dh a nasty Christmas card. and now we have to go see her in front of her entire family.

 

So can I bring a flask? Please?

 

Why do you HAVE TO go? There really are very few things in life that you HAVE TO do. This is not one of them.

[GWOB]

Why do you HAVE TO go? There really are very few things in life that you HAVE TO do. This is not one of them.

 

Honestly? Because I apparently have an obsessive need to please people. I cannot bear the thought of dh facing them alone, never mind the fact that I have had to visit my family alone many times due to dh being in the military.

[rookie]

Honestly? Because I apparently have an obsessive need to please people. I cannot bear the thought of dh facing them alone, never mind the fact that I have had to visit my family alone many times due to dh being in the military.

 

Well, then maybe what you HAVE TO do is stop trying to please people. ;)