Poll: Did you mind if someone asked you if your pregnancy was planned or not?

[caitlinsmom]

I admit I asked this one time to a good friend. It just slipped out and was NOT what I had intended to say but I kind of got all mixed up and well, ended up saying it.

 

She gave me a startled look for a split second and then told me the answer. LOL it was seriously embarassing to me and for her I think. That happened in July and I still want to call her and apologize for sticking my foot in my mouth!!

 

I will agree with Aubrey though, it would bug me with some people but not with others. While I think it is rude I also choose not to be offended by the simple curiosity of others. I would most likely laugh if a friend were to ask it, while I would give a stranger a different kind of response. :)

I was asked this question a lot with this pregnancy. Most times I would answer honestly.

[Dawn in OH]

Oh, please tell me what they said--I need to live vicariously thr you. I didn't have the guts to confront the hens who were too deaf to realize I could hear them lamenting the fact that I was "already pg again." Ds was 2 days old. Maybe 3. I really wanted to tell them that, yep, I had 2 uteruses & was expecting the other one in about 4mos. :glare:

 

 

 

Being that it was nine years ago now, I don't remember the specifics, but there were comments of:

 

"What a shame", "What's wrong with girls these days?", "That poor baby", "another teenage unmarried mother", "disgusting". This from two older women standing right behind me where I could clearly hear their comments, and it wasn't the first time.

 

I was 27, married, with a planned pregnancy. I never expected to hear such comments. I heard it enough that on that particular day I was fed up and couldn't help responding.

[Aubrey]

Being that it was nine years ago now, I don't remember the specifics, but there were comments of:

 

"What a shame", "What's wrong with girls these days?", "That poor baby", "another teenage unmarried mother", "disgusting". This from two older women standing right behind me where I could clearly hear their comments, and it wasn't the first time.

 

I was 27, married, with a planned pregnancy. I never expected to hear such comments. I heard it enough that on that particular day I was fed up and couldn't help responding.

 

Oh, I didn't mean the *bad* comments. I meant--what did they say to your response?

[Dawn in OH]

Oh, I didn't mean the *bad* comments. I meant--what did they say to your response?

 

Oh, of course they didn't have much to say. First they stared at me, appalled that I replied to their rude comments. Then they just stared at me like I had 3 heads for replying at all.

 

I told them that it was wrong and rude of them to make stupid assumptions and at their age they should know enough to keep their mouths shut if they didn't have anything nice to say.

 

They had nothing to say for themselves.

 

This was a big deal for me as I'm pretty quiet and shy and wouldn't normally respond in a situation like this.

[Tap]

It is not appropriate, but it didn't bother me when people asked me.

 

We had one surprise, two planned, and one unplanned adoption.

[Rhonda in TX]

I had one planned and one unplanned pregnancy. I didn't mind if people asked if #2 was planned (DS was 8 months old when I got pg), but I totally support those who think it's an inappropriate question. It might have gotten old if we had had more children. I also think it depends on the relationship you have with the one asking. Strangers should definitely not ask that question.

 

For the curious, #2 was not "planned", but we were doing nothing to prevent it. I tell her she was a surprise, and a good one. :) It took me 2 years to get pregnant the first time, so I thought I wouldn't get pregnant again so soon. Famous last words, eh? :)

[Parrothead]

I think if a close friend someone you consider a sister) or close family member (parent) asked in a loving context it would be okay. If a passing acquaintance or total stranger asked it would be rude.

[AuntieM]

I had to choose other because it depended on who asked, and how. Some asked the question sincerely, sweetly. Others were just plain obnoxious. I didn't necessarily mind the question.

 

With my twins, many folks wanted to know if it was "natural" or with fertility treatments. I found that an inappropriate question (except from my sister, who really had a right to know if she, too, might be at risk for multiples).

 

My 4th came nearly 8 years after the twins, so I got a lot of comments about an unplanned/surprise. She was not planned by me, but planned for by God, and MOST welcome, so I didn't mind sharing that answer with a smile.

[stripe]

I think it's TOTALLY inappropriate and only acceptable if the pregnant woman is clearly unhappy or had some unusual medical problem with a previous pregnancy (e.g. was advised not to become pregnant), or perhaps from a medical professional during prenatal care.

 

I have had married people who already have children tell me their pregnancies were unplanned, and I think that's preposterous (being intimate without avoiding is, in my opinion, trying to get pregnant). I think it's entirely inappropriate to broadcast the information that you didn't really want that baby.

 

By the way, when I was about 14, I took the baby of a friend of my mom's out for a walk in her stroller around her neighborhood. I got SO MANY dirty looks, I couldn't believe it! The only person who was decent and said hi was another young woman with kids.

[IsabelC]

Go Dawn, good onya for sticking up for yourself :thumbup:

[mommaduck]

You know, as rude as I generally find this question, I was asked it today and was not offended. The had to leave class due to the overwhelming scents in the rooms (everything from Expo markers to perfume to a nasty smelling hand sanitizer). One of my classmates was in the bathroom and asked if I was feeling ill. Told her that it's morning sickness and am just trying to deal with the scents in the school. She was excited for me but asked that question (if it was unplanned), but more in a empathetic manner. She told me that babies are still a blessing, whether we plan them or not, and yes, she knows how many we already have. That was nice :)

[Carol in Cal.]

...because I don't think it's rude because it's no one's business. I think it's rude because it is invasive and inappropriate.

 

The other question that I think is just terrible is often asked of older mothers, and that is, "Are you having amniocentesis?" I was asked that by my third line manager. I just said no and left it at that. He looked at me like I was crazy. I was 39.

[eternalknot]

The question doesn't bother me.

 

It did take me aback when acquaintances asked (as opposed to family or friends) but that was moreso from surprise that they even cared about it - it wasn't offensive or anything to me.

 

I come from a(n ethnic) culture that likes to know the social hierarchy, so it's pretty much always acceptable to ask each other what one earns, how old one is, etc. It's never coming from a place of judgment, so maybe that's the difference.

 

It's also the (social) culture we tend to live in. Tabloids, what passes for "news" in the media reports, the nature of invasive culture via tv programming ... it's no longer a faux pas to openly express interest in or feel entitled to know formerly private information about someone. Anyone.

 

This doesn't make it right, just explains where some folks get the nerve LOL.

[Mrs Mungo]

It depends upon who is asking, their tone and body language and their implied motives.

[Ginevra]

I have never liked that people ask that. I didn't get that specific question often, but a lot of people assumed the five-year age gap between my two youngest signified an "accident".

 

On the flip side, I don't like it when the pregnant person constantly broadcasts that it was an "accident". My mother did this for my brother's entire growing up years. It always made me feel badly for my brother EVEN THOUGH my mother always framed it as a "blessing". Does anyone really want to hear, "We didn't set out to conceive you," even if you tack on, "But we're glad we got you anyhow?"

 

Similarly, I don't like when people anounce their vascectomies to every one or feel they must say, "This is my LAST!" over and over again. That bugs me, too. I knew someone who put in their 3rd child's birth announcement, "...our third and final addition..." I thought that was idiotic and tacky. It's like telling your youngest they're lucky to be alive because they just missed the cut-off.

[patchfire]

On the flip side, I don't like it when the pregnant person constantly broadcasts that it was an "accident". My mother did this for my brother's entire growing up years. It always made me feel badly for my brother EVEN THOUGH my mother always framed it as a "blessing". Does anyone really want to hear, "We didn't set out to conceive you," even if you tack on, "But we're glad we got you anyhow?

 

:iagree:

 

I know a woman who will tell pretty much anyone standing still that her oldest and her youngest were BOTH "accidents," and that her middle one was "actually planned." It's such a bad situation for all three of them to hear that constantly.

[tdeveson]

I was in labour with our 6th child, a stillborn, when I received a phone call to my hospital room. It was hubby's grandmother who told me that "Gd knows how many you can afford".

 

What a delightful old woman. I had a great-aunt like that once. When she died, her children had her buried the same afternoon and not even they showed up to put her in the ground. They paid the undertaker and were glad to be rid of her. Nobody missed her.

[tdeveson]

It depends upon who is asking, their tone and body language and their implied motives.

 

:iagree:

 

But... I'd never ask someone if they planned their pregnancy unless they were really, really close -- like my daughter or my sister.

 

When I got pregnant with the last one, someone asked me if I'd had an accident because I was just too old to get pregnant on purpose (I was 43). :blink: Another person asked me if I'd gotten married pregnant because I had just married. She was actually counting out days from my wedding on her fingers while we talked. (I didn't get married pregnant, but I wouldn't have cared. I'm not sure why she did.)

 

I told both ladies that it was divine conception, that I hadn't had sex in years and I couldn't explain it. I figure if people are going to be incredibly rude, the least I can do is mess with their heads.

Edited December 9, 2009 by tdeveson

[LindaOz]

Now that I'm expecting our 7th, and having a 5 year gap between this one and our last, I have had this type of question a few times. I have found this time that people sometimes just assumed that this baby was unplanned, with comments like, "Well, that must have been a surprise......". So, I have made a point of letting them know that it wasn't a surprise - which has probably surprised them. I don't have to justify myself, I suppose, but just wanted to make the point that we did actually choose to have another baby.

 

I do find it a bit of a rude question because of the assumptions and underlying attitude some people have behind it.

[lionfamily1999]

I'm surprised other doesn't have more votes :p

 

I don't think it's appropriate, but I think it ranks up there with asking if 'that' is your natural hair color, or why you have the number of kids you have, or why you got married. IOW, people are curious and I'd rather them ask than assume, or people are wondering about their own situation and want to find out more about someone else's situation (in which case, all you can do is ask). I don't think it's completely rude, but the follow up definitely can be :)

 

Lol, whenever anyone asks us fertility questions we go with the '9 months' response. IOW, when are you going to have more kids? About 9 months after we get pregnant. Did you plan your pregnancy? Yes, for the 9 months leading up to birth (or if I were pregnant at that time), I'm planning for it right now.

[Just Me]

Our first son was born before we 'planned' to have him. I was trying to finish college before having kids. My brother-in-law said something to the effect of 'too bad about having the unplanned baby', to which my dh replied, 'we have always planned to have kids - he just came earlier than we expected. This wasn't an unplanned pregnancy, but it was a surprise' I loved him for that! Of course, my bil can be a real jerk sometimes.