9 yob: "Sometimes I don't know what I'm living for."

[yvonne]

Sigh. My introverted just-turned-9 year old boy just told me in a quiet, introspective moment, "Sometimes I don't know what I'm living for. It seems like all I do is work." :crying:

 

I just didn't know what to say or what to ask to figure out where he is. Depression does run in our family, but that seems to be a big jump. On the other hand, last night, after spending the afternoon with grandma & grandpa which he usually loves to do, he was unusually clingy and quiet in the evening. He said he was tired. I told him to go to bed. I went to do laundry & he comes and sits on the floor next to me, just watching. Then he goes back upstairs. A while later, he comes down and lies on the couch and says, "I just feel like I can't stay in one place." I sat with him and rubbed his back for a long time, but still couldn't help him articulate the problem.

 

Then today he says this, and it seems like the root issue but I don't know where to go from here.

 

We do have a lot of outside classes going on this year, so it's more hectic than usual, but I truly do not believe he has an unreasonable work load. Today was only a half day, because the inlaws arrived. We only managed an online Latin class, 1 Horizons Math lesson, 1 Rod and Staff English lesson, and about 40 minutes of history homework. The quantity of work is not unreasonable, but it is more harried than usual with the outside commitments. But I don't know if it's even that.

 

Please!! all you Meyers-Briggs F/Feeling moms, tell me what you'd do? What would you say? I am way over on the INTP, T/Thinking side of things... I probably don't have a single F/Feeling cell in my body. That makes me feel so sad for my children, that I can't help them through emotional/interpersonal issues very well.

 

What would you say/do if your child said that?

 

Thank you so much, in advance, for any suggestions.

yvonne

[Joanne]

My introverted just-turned-9 year old boy just told me in a quiet, introspective moment, "Sometimes I don't know what I'm living for. It seems like all I do is work."

 

Depression does run in our family, but that seems to be a big jump. On the other hand, last night, after spending the afternoon with grandma & grandpa which he usually loves to do, he was unusually clingy and quiet in the evening. He said he was tired. I told him to go to bed. I went to do laundry & he comes and sits on the floor next to me, just watching. Then he goes back upstairs. A while later, he comes down and lies on the couch and says, "I just feel like I can't stay in one place." I sat with him and rubbed his back for a long time, but still couldn't help him articulate the problem.

 

We do have a lot of outside classes going on this year, so it's more hectic than usual, but I truly do not believe he has an unreasonable work load. Today was only a half day, because the inlaws arrived. We only managed an online Latin class, 1 Horizons Math lesson, 1 Rod and Staff English lesson, and about 40 minutes of history homework. The quantity of work is not unreasonable, but it is more harried than usual with the outside commitments. But I don't know if it's even that.

 

I'm a huge introvert. (I'm digressing but did you know the Myers-Briggs does not have pyschological validity as a test?:lol: The things I am learning!)

 

In any case, lack of down, alone time and a harried life could easily make a young, immature introvert feel so stressed and drained that they might have depressed symptoms.

 

The bolded parts of the quote jump out at me. Too.much.Can't.breath.

 

Let me be!

[tex-mex]

In any case, lack of down, alone time and a harried life could easily make a young, immature introvert feel so stressed and drained that they might have depressed symptoms.

 

 

 

I agree with Joanne. I know of the introverts in my life tend to be deep thinkers and get unhappy if life is a constant moving "wheel". They need time in their "cave" to ponder and be creative. Melancholy souls just need some down time away from others -- doesn't mean they don't love you. But some find being on the go or being with people to be draining emotionally. They can be recharged emotionally with a little cave time, kwim? HTH

[yvonne]

In any case, lack of down, alone time and a harried life could easily make a young, immature introvert feel so stressed and drained that they might have depressed symptoms.

 

Oh, Joanne, thank you for replying. You know, that's probably most of what he's feeling. I'm a huge introvert, also, and, now that I think about it, days like today where we've had more downtime & calm feel so good. (We were sick last Friday & missed our half day coop/CConvs. and then Mon/Tues this week we've done half days to get ready for the inlaws' visit. But then, he really likes CConvs.

 

Maybe it's _because_ we've had the downtime that he feels the stress of too much outside activity on regular days? Maybe we'll look into dropping swimming, at least for a semester. That would be a big load off his mind, I think, and free up afternoons after 4:00 pm.

 

Thanks, again,

yvonne

[yvonne]

Melancholy souls

 

Oh my goodness, this is exactly one of my boys. And I know exactly what you mean about "cave time." :) He definitely needs his cave time and his alone time with me. I haven't read the Love Languages of Children yet, but I can definitely see that he thrives on physical closeness (sitting right next to me when I read aloud, ...) and individual attention.

 

Yep, if we drop swimming that would definitely free up a nice chunk of time for him to hibernate.

 

Thank you for helping me think through this,

yvonne

[RanchGirl]

Finding more down time seems like a great idea. It sounds like he was wanting quiet time with you as well, following you around like that. Also does he have a passion-type interest or hobby? Helping him find one might be very helpful.

[Carol in Cal.]

That would be my guess.

 

More hugs, less talk, and less to do.

 

Translation: If you talk about this with him, I think that you might be running the risk of building it up into more than it is. I would suggest first trying to quietly increase his opportunity for downtime alone, and also hug him more often and show that you really appreciate him. If that doesn't work in a couple of days, THEN maybe it's time to bring it up again.

 

I think that he is still young enough to be carried along by the prevailing mood, to some extent, so if you are projecting happy, calm affection, he might just 'catch' it from you!

[mom2fiveboysnc]

i can't offer advice but have big :grouphug: for you. does you son have a trusted person he DOES feel he can talk to? i too have a son who won't open up and is often moody. it just breaks my heart when he talks like that. at those times, i try to give him a little extra attention, like going for quick runs to mcdonalds. just taking him with me on my errands when normally he would stay at home (he's 18 now) so that we can have one-on-one time in the car (no distractions and he can't run away!). usually he snaps out of it himself but i have taken him to a counselor when he needs it. we have a really good one that is in our area, she isn't christian but is younger and has incredible rapport with teenagers and kids. if all else fails, maybe he does need to talk to someone else. if depression is in your family, perhaps he does need to be evaluated. have you noticed any other signs, like is he giving things he treasures to anyone, losing weight, ya know any other danger signs? not jumping to any conclusions but at the ed i work at we see alot of peds "psych" patients. most of them just need to talk to someone other than their parent who isn't going to judge them or take sides or be biased about what they will say. i'm not meaning to imply he has thoughts of hurting himself but you might want to aquaint yourself with s/s just in case. with the family history you may already be aware of them. i also agree with the pp's about encouraging physical closeness and lightening his schedule. i will be praying for you both and the rest of your family.

[TravelingChris]

Is this a recent change- this down mood? Where do you live? Two of my kids are strongly SAD kids (Seasonal Affective Depression) and it has been getting darker faster now. FOr my youngest, we use St Johns Wort in the winter months with very good success. It completely goes away in spring and summer.

[Guest dale.louise]

Wow !

Interesting Post !

[Soph the vet]

Speaking from having ds9 myself, I would fill his "love tank" as Gary Chapman (?) calls it before school each day. Just do stuff with him that he likes to do, maybe sit together and read something, do Legos, talk about snakes (my ds's favorite pasttime currently), etc. Then once his tank is filled go about trying to get some school done.

[babysparkler]

That would be my guess.

 

More hugs, less talk, and less to do.

 

Translation: If you talk about this with him, I think that you might be running the risk of building it up into more than it is. I would suggest first trying to quietly increase his opportunity for downtime alone, and also hug him more often and show that you really appreciate him. If that doesn't work in a couple of days, THEN maybe it's time to bring it up again.

 

I think that he is still young enough to be carried along by the prevailing mood, to some extent, so if you are projecting happy, calm affection, he might just 'catch' it from you!

:iagree:

[Harriet Vane]

The other posters have given great advice. As an introvert, I agree with what they have written.

 

The one other thing I'll mention to consider would be to have his iron levels checked. I struggle with chronic anemia, as does my own ds, so my radar is always tuned for this one. I just know how exhausted and anti-social low iron makes me. Ds is far more extroverted than me but also becomes exhausted and antisocial when his iron is low. I lived with it for many, many years before finally being diagnosed. I think I have probably been anemic my entire life (just like ds) and that people (myself included) have attributed personality traits to me that were actually really the results of anemia. If you do have him tested please ask them to check BOTH his hemoglobin and ferritin, as they measure iron totally differently.

 

Just a thought to consider . . .

[Mesa]

Can some of his outside activities be cut down, so he does have time to just be a kid. Imaginative play is very important... maybe he just needs more time at home?

I agree with Soph, fill his "love tank" before any school work is done.

[Rhonda in TX]

I'm a huge introvert. (I'm digressing but did you know the Myers-Briggs does not have pyschological validity as a test?:lol: The things I am learning!)

 

In any case, lack of down, alone time and a harried life could easily make a young, immature introvert feel so stressed and drained that they might have depressed symptoms.

 

The bolded parts of the quote jump out at me. Too.much.Can't.breath.

 

Let me be!

 

Too many activities in one day overwhelms me. I can mentally and emotionally shut down if it's too much for me. I used to hate Mondays. We had school during the day, orchestra in the afternoon, and Cub Scouts in the evening. I dreaded those days with a passion!!

 

Your DS definitely sounds to me like he needs more down time. His schedule may be stressing him out. Is there any way you can simplify?

[KidsHappen]

I have had six kids and I have yet to have one tell me that all they ever do is work. My kids are more of the, "I'm Bored!" variety. There is so much I haven't done yet and the clocks a tickin'. So I would pay heed to that. I am an INFP and I frequently feel like I am missing soo much because I am always running ahead to get the next thing done. I need time to just sit an contemplate my own thoughts. It sounds to me like you son is trying to say the same thing. I would give him some serious down time and ask him to consider his life and what he is doing and what parts he is really enjoying and what parts he could just as soon do without. Are there other things he would rather be doing? In any case, I am senseing the need for some serious communication on the issue. Good luck. Parenting is hard.

[Tree House Academy]

Sigh. My introverted just-turned-9 year old boy just told me in a quiet, introspective moment, "Sometimes I don't know what I'm living for. It seems like all I do is work." :crying:

 

 

 

Awww bless him! :crying: I hate to say it, but sometimes I feel just like your little son. I don't have advice, but I can offer prayers. I am not sure of your faith and don't mean to offend if you aren't Christian. :grouphug:

[hornblower]

I think lots of great advice has been given but I'd add one more thing:

 

find ways of making him laugh - even if it means cutting something else from the schedule.

 

Are there videos, comedy routines, movies that just make him laugh uncontrollably? I'm a gloom and doom person & I know that amidst a bunch of other interventions I need huge doses of laughter therapy.

 

I need to watch things that make me laugh on a regular basis.

 

Find things that will make him laugh & watch them together with him & laugh with him. Sometimes when I've been gloomy for a while I forget how to laugh and even funny movies don't make me laugh at first - I need to get back in the habit & having someone else giggling beside you often helps.

 

Oh & it has to be the prolonged guffaw laugh, not just the snort laugh. I'm often drawn to cynical black humour but that doesn't really do the trick. It really has to be full out hilarity.

 

The best is if I have to actually turn the dvd off for a bit because I'm laughing so hard I need to pause it or I'll be missing the next part..... That kind of laughter will improve my mood for days.