"Us vs Them" Does it need to be this way?

[msjones]

After skimming through the 'Facebook homeschooling attack' thread, and another similar thread recently, I'm thinking about the "us vs them" phenomena.

 

I agree that it can be very difficult to be publicly confronted about schooling/parenting choices. And some people are, of course, very rude and arrogant during those confrontations. I don't defend their rudeness.

 

However, if we're homeschooling, we have chosen a lifestyle that is considered alternative. And so, I think we'll be disappointed if we're expecting others to easily accept it. People will want to know why we're homeschooling. People will think we aren't qualified. People will think we are making a big mistake. Of course they will.

 

And I'm always sorry to see discussions by homeschoolers about what terrible choices public/private schools in general are -- in response to blanket criticisms of homeschooling. (i.e. What terrible parents, teachers, school officials...those poor kids...they'll never get a decent education, my child would never darken the door, pitying/slamming/laughing at parents who are glad to see school starting up, etc.)

 

How is this any different from the parents at a soccer game slamming homeschoolers?

 

I do understand that a forum of this type is set up to provide a place to vent about school issues. And discussing specific situations is one thing. However, I see so many blanket statements about non-homeschooling choices, that it seems to be the pot calling the kettle black.

 

It may be that I just need to skip the "us vs them" threads and stick to the quite helpful curriculum threads. That would be simple enough. But, I wanted to address this issue.

 

Now that I've made what may be considered an alternative statement on a homeschooling board, I'm prepared for some criticism. (But, of course, as a homeschooler, I used to that sort of thing. ;))

[Orthodox6]

As there is a sub-board here at WTM for "after-schoolers", and I also have read numerous posts on the "general board" from parents who send one or more of their children to an "outside school", I don't think this is a particularly negative environment.

 

"Us vs. Them" surfaces anytime a position is held strongly, whether it be a religious, political, educational, moral, or any other type of position. At the same time, the milder-mannered people who can "roll with diversity" also emerge.

 

There are certain types of threads which I studiously avoid reading or participating in. Or, I might participate with restraint of comment and frequency.

 

Bottom line still is that people, as a class of created beings, often do trip up and demonstrate pointless hostility and/or ill-mannered behaviour. Potentially divisive issues can trigger this. I'm comfortable with you reminding us of the pitfalls !

[OnTheBrink]

When I was a new home schooler, I was very much a "we vs. them" person. My experiences with PS were very negative and when I started hsing, it was really the only option available to me if I didn't want my kids in ps.

 

But, at this point in my life, I just don't care what others do. I'll concede that there are some good schools and some good teachers, even though I believe the overall model has some serious problems. I'll also acknowledge that my life and choices aren't necessarily the model for the world to follow. I know MY kids, I know MY abilities and limitations and I know what's best for MY situation. I don't know that about anyone else.

 

So, I trust other parents to do what's right for themselves and their families. I don't answer for them; I can only answer for my self and for what's been given to me for my care.

[jujsky]

I agree with you, OP. I hate it when people criticize my choice to homeschool, so I do my best not to criticize the educational choices others make for their families. I think there are many things wrong with the public school system in this country, and though I will criticize those things I feel are not working for the schools, I will not criticize a parent for sending their child to school. You are absolutely right -- it is hypocritical. There are a lot of good things happening in public schools despite the not-so-great things that are happening there. I am all for freedom of educational choice.

[TravelingChris]

I don't have antipathy towards people who send their kids to school, more like the pity some of them think I need. I know what my life is like and I know that my life would be much worse if I had to mix conventional school into the mix. Both of the kids I am now homeschooling have medical issues which they would still have at school. However, they wouldn't be as well accomodated at school. My youngest has to take a medicine on empty stomach, then sit or stand for an hour, then not eat for an additional half hour, then she can eat and move about. IF she was going to school, we would have to get her up particularly early. As it is, we get her up normally at 6:30 and she is ready to eat at 8 or a little bit afterward. That is early enough in my mind but the bus would be picking her up much earlier so I am not sure when we would have to wake her. Her older sister suffers from school stopping migraines. We accomodate and treat. (They are getting better and are certainly better than the seven month long headache).

 

Then they also can't accomodate their particular gifts and issues. My youngest is doing two sciences this year and both a math program and a history of math. My middle is doing two English credits. We tailor to their needs and desires. I don't need bureuacratic hassles in my life anymore than I already have. It is less work for me to choose curriculum and help teach it (or teach it with my younger) than it is to fight battles for apporpriate educational and medical environments.

[Garga]

I agree. I only once IRL tried to debate with someone about homeschooling and it doesn't resolve anything. It just leaves both people spent and sad.

 

My advice for anyone with an anti-homeschooler to deal with, is to ask them to read up about homeschooling (pros and cons) on the net, from library books, or wherever else there's info. Then if they're still as adamantly against it, they can say so once and for all (to get it off their chest--I'm thinking in-laws here) and then we'll let it rest.

 

But the debating and comebacks and arguing are just pointless and draining unless the other person knows something real and valid about homeschooling.

 

You can't educate people about hsing on your own because they won't believe you. You have to point them to other sources and be done with it. If they don't come around after reading the studies and whatnot--then they never will during a debate or confrontation with you.

[iluvmy4blessings]

I only discuss it on forums!! I actually do quite the opposite in real life. If someone in my real life asks me about it in an appropriate manner then I share. Happy to share with people who are nonjudgemental/curious. Anyone who is bold enough to voice opinions on my choices (unsolicited opinions)..those are the people that I am very polite to and then after making a quick exit from the conversation...will then make a mental note to avoid that person!

 

Homeschooling is not realistic for a lot of people for various reasons. I am grateful and blessed that I can do it right now, but not so naive to assume everyone has been this blessed. We have no idea why people make the choices they do. Unless you've walked in their shoes you don't know. So that is why I worry about myself only.

 

Anyone in my real life who would be so bold as to try and agrue with me over something that is MY business...those are the people I avoid like the plague. So that way I never end up in those conversations!

[mirth]

I feel little us vs. them as I do not automatically feel kinship with every homeschooler I meet. In fact, I found this premise very weird in forming age- based co-ops of random people.

Edited September 1, 2009 by mirth

[Impish]

As a new hser, I was VERY anti ps. Diva had just been through hell at ps, so I was very very angry.

 

Now, I'm a 'whatever works best for YOUR family is what's right" and demand the same in return.

 

Wolf, however, will give you a laundry list of why our younger 2 will never be in school, including 'brainwashing' and 'break down of families by attempting to replace teachers and peers in the place of parents and family."

 

Not that I think he's wrong...:lol:

[JudyJudyJudy]

MsJones, I used the "us versus them" phrase on one of the other threads, so you know that I agree with you.

 

 

My experiences have been generally positive. My intentions are not to bash public schools, but if I can't feel safe discussing why I avoid them on a homeschooling board, where can I feel safe doing so? I brought up some questions about writing the other day and I started to get the sense that some felt I was bashing public schools. I honestly was not. I thought this board was mostly about classical education at home. I would not go to a board where public school teachers discuss curriculum hoping to get sympathy as a homeschooler.

In my opinion, saying why you avoid public schools is one thing. It's totally different to bash public schools nonstop and to take offense about everything related to them. As a certified teacher, I've seen many of the negatives that so many homeschoolers try to avoid, and I'm "guilty" of commenting about it. However, it hurts to see the broad generalizations made about public school teachers. There are so many teachers who truly care about the students and do the very best that they can. In the majority of circumstances, teachers can't control the bad things that go on in schools. They can't control the curriculum, the schedule, PE, the arts, testing, what environments their students live in, etc. Likewise, there are parents of public school kids who are doing the best that they can as well; not everyone has the option of homeschooling even if he/she wanted, and in many cases, public school is the best option for the kids.

[HollyDay]

I think it is a bigger picture actually. For whatever reason, I have noticed our society/culture/country (however you wish to phrase it) becoming more polarized not more cohesive. Republican vs Democrat; Liberal vs Conservative; religious vs nonreligious; young vs old; jock vs geek; public fs private school, etc., etc......

Homeschool vs non homeschool is just another example. The "live and let live" mentality does not seem to be as strong as it once was. We lived in an area that was very polarized by language. If you spoke english as a first language vs those who did not. The area we are in now is more divided by skin color (which I think is terrible) and jock vs geek.

 

We can't get enough folks together to meet a min requirement for many field trips because of polarization among homeschoolers. Unschoolers vs "traditional"; dating vs courtship; those who wear pants vs those who wear skirts (I kid you not), and the list goes on. It is very sad.

[amy g.]

I do not see it as us vs them.

 

When my kids took speech therapy at a local public school, the principal was always asking me if I would teach for her when my kids graduated.

 

The speech teacher would have my kids write reports and stories, then have them present them to the kids in the regular classroom. She thought it was important for the teachers and students to be exposed to homeschoolers who did not fit their preconceived ideas.

 

My neighbor has been teaching in the public schools for 30 years. She said, "Were your ears burning last night? I was bragging on your family to my teacher friends."

 

I have had so many teachers tell me, "I wish that I knew more about homeschooling when my child was little. He would have been so much better off with me at home."

 

Maybe it is just this area, but most homeschoolers are respected rather than treated as inferior.

[msjones]

My experiences have been generally positive. My intentions are not to bash public schools, but if I can't feel safe discussing why I avoid them on a homeschooling board, where can I feel safe doing so? I brought up some questions about writing the other day and I started to get the sense that some felt I was bashing public schools. I honestly was not. I thought this board was mostly about classical education at home. I would not go to a board where public school teachers discuss curriculum hoping to get sympathy as a homeschooler.

 

Your writing thread was interesting, and it was discussing a specific aspect of public school curriculum vs. what we can do at home. That is a sensible and helpful discussion.

 

What I find disappointing in a community of presumably educated adults are the discussions of The Public Schools/Teachers/School Districts/Public School Parents. I don't find it helpful or accurate to generalize so extremely.