T'smom Posted August 20, 2009 Share Posted August 20, 2009 Something that was brought up several times in that thread has me thinking....it was mentioned quite a few times that people had grown and changed and were not the people that they were when they married or would be if they hadn't married. My husband is not the person he would have been, if we hadn't met. But....he hasn't changed me much. I'm fairly counter-cultural. When my son is older, we plan on homeschooling. I breastfed until he weaned himself. My version of healthy isn't the same as most people. (In fact, I read this board all. the. time. because it's the only place I know where people make the same decisions that I do.) My husband has been convinced that all of this is good. He could defend these choices and thinks of them as choices that we have made together. Which we have. But....if he hadn't married me, he never would've given homeschooling a thought. He would probably think extended breastfeeding was weird, and might not even be aware of HFCS. Our choices make us the "weird ones" in his family and sometimes I feel bad about that. Would he be happier if he had married someone more mainstream? Of course, when I have brought this up to him he kindof looks at me weird and says "you really think too much". Does anyone else feel that they may have changed their spouse in ways that may not have made their lives easier/happier? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eternalknot Posted August 20, 2009 Share Posted August 20, 2009 That sounds a lot like me, and my marital relationship as well. He and I agree that knowing me has opened his eyes to so many things that never would have registered with him otherwise (things that sometimes cause rifts in the water with his parents and sibling) - and we both acknowledge that it's been a double-edged sword. He appreciates seeing a completely different world through my eyes (I've always been "different" and am comfortable with it; plus my cultural background supports some of my differences from mainstream society, which is another layer of support that I have but he lacks). On the flip side, he has had to fend the flack from his family and has felt at times like the majority of his interaction with his family involves defending me/my influences on him. It makes me feel badly for him, to feel like I've done something to put him in that constant position ... but it's a duty he has always been unwavering in, and faithful to. We've been separated and living separately for a number of years, but he continues to always defend me and our increasingly "weird" parenting choices to his family. Even those choices he hasn't been 100% sure about, he supports me and trusts me - and eventually he comes around to being on board LOL. He sometimes says it'd sure be a lot easier to have married a mainstream gal ::grin:: but it's true, too, that my life would have been a lot easier to have married a non-mainstream guy! We're happy with where we're at now, and that's all that matters. Stop looking in the rearview, keep your eyes focused on the road ahead :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted August 20, 2009 Share Posted August 20, 2009 Yup! We do this and my hubby says the same. That doesn't stop me getting my knickers in a twist now and then, though. :) Rosie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peela Posted August 20, 2009 Share Posted August 20, 2009 My dh and situation sound similar to yours, T'smom. My dh wouldn't have been into extended breastfeeding or homeschooling either, yet he is thrilled that we have done it and that I parent the way I do. I have influenced him a lot. I think he would revert a fair bit though if I wasnt around. Hes not unhappier for it, though. He didnt get on with his family long before I was around and I actually provide a bit of lubricant there rather than add to the friction. We are not mainstream, and I am far less mainstream than dh, but hes happier rather than unhappier for it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tess in the Burbs Posted August 20, 2009 Share Posted August 20, 2009 absolutely. my dh is able to look back at his family and realize how backward they can be at times. He's tried more. He's traveled more. He is glad he's the 'weird' one in the family, lol. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KidsHappen Posted August 20, 2009 Share Posted August 20, 2009 Oh, this is my hubby as well although he is just as passionate about these choices now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MariannNOVA Posted August 20, 2009 Share Posted August 20, 2009 absolutely. my dh is able to look back at his family and realize how backward they can be at times. He's tried more. He's traveled more. He is glad he's the 'weird' one in the family, lol. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lionfamily1999 Posted August 20, 2009 Share Posted August 20, 2009 Ours goes both ways. Dh has me listening to music and being WAY more relaxed that I was. I have made him a family man. We married young and in the ten years we've been married a lot of changes have happened between us. Sometimes, I feel bad that I'm not dangerous enough for him, he feels bad that he's not literary enough for me. We've talked about our differences and instead of causing rifts, as they have in the past :( we've figured out that it's what attracts us to each other. He embraces his toughness and tries to remember to call his worrywort wife. I embrace my inner PTA mom and try to add an edge here and there. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mommy2be Posted August 20, 2009 Share Posted August 20, 2009 Yep! I think the same thing about my DH. Some of the things we do or decisions we make, especially in regards to children, usually stem from me... after I explain where I'm coming from or how I feel he is always on board. He's supportive of my feelings and will defend them to anyone else. He's a trooper! But no, I highly doubt he would have been doing the same things had he had children with someone else... someone more mainstream... We don't use traditional birth control, natural childbirth, we don't immunize, we do extended breastfeeding, we homeschool, we co-sleep, etc.... Haha, one thing that he actually seems somewhat more passionate about than me is home birth. I considered the idea with my son but we ended up having him (naturally) in a hospital... He says that if/when we have another it should be at home! He feels it's natural, best, etc... but mostly I think it boils down to him not wanting to pay a hospital for something when I'm doing all of the work! haha. He's "frugal" to put it nicely! :D Anyways, I agree and would be on board with homebirth (and totally love the idea) for our next dc, just didn't end up working out with the first. Now, I'm just trying to convince my husband to go no-poo... And get over the smell of vinegar for cleaning... haha. Anyone had success here? :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted August 20, 2009 Share Posted August 20, 2009 My husband has changed dramatically during the course of our marriage. His bsibs, who don't see him often noticed it, and commented on it to me. He's not constantly on edge, needing to prove himself all the time. Coming from the history he came from (Read People Are Stupid thread to get the beginning of an idea), the neglectful, unemotional mother that to this day, introduces him as her adopted son... I gave him a place to fit in. For the first time. Where it was totally safe to be himself, and nobody was going to leave him for it. I gave him a family. :001_wub::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justamouse Posted August 20, 2009 Share Posted August 20, 2009 That sounds a lot like me, and my marital relationship as well. He and I agree that knowing me has opened his eyes to so many things that never would have registered with him otherwise (things that sometimes cause rifts in the water with his parents and sibling) - and we both acknowledge that it's been a double-edged sword. He appreciates seeing a completely different world through my eyes (I've always been "different" and am comfortable with it; plus my cultural background supports some of my differences from mainstream society, which is another layer of support that I have but he lacks). On the flip side, he has had to fend the flack from his family and has felt at times like the majority of his interaction with his family involves defending me/my influences on him. It makes me feel badly for him, to feel like I've done something to put him in that constant position ... but it's a duty he has always been unwavering in, and faithful to. This is us--to a T. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aggie Posted August 20, 2009 Share Posted August 20, 2009 Now, I'm just trying to convince my husband to go no-poo... And get over the smell of vinegar for cleaning... haha. Anyone had success here? :lol: I still haven't gotten my dh to go no poo, but there is a "low poo" shampoo out there. I can't remember the name of it right now, though. Get some lavender and put it in the vinegar spray bottle. I usually clean when dh isn't home. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cedarmom Posted August 20, 2009 Share Posted August 20, 2009 Does anyone else feel that they may have changed their spouse in ways that may not have made their lives easier/happier? It is interesting to think how you have influenced each other. One thought is does easier=happier? Maybe our husband may not have made th same choices. He might have married a wife who loved fast food and gone out to eat every night. That might have made him very happy-until he developed heart disease and diabetes! The key is in not trying to change our spouses. Your hubby was great with the choices you made. If he wasn't- I don't think we should make them. For a long time, I made healthy meals at home and my guy ate junk while he was out. I didn't nag (or much) Really, the things we change in are because we want to, not because someone makes us. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aunty Social Posted August 20, 2009 Share Posted August 20, 2009 I'm definitely the "weird one" in our marriage. I convinced my dh to homeschool, and now he loves it. I started eating more "naturally" and making our bread, now he's read In Defense of Food, wants me to make our own pasta, and is looking up websites without my prompting on where to find grass fed beef. I still haven't convinced him about the no poo and homemade cleaners though. I think it's because he's a chemical engineer, and feels threatened!:lol: Of course, he's changed me as well. I'm naturally a bit of a hermit. Enough books and I don't need people - unless it's to write more books! - while he is a social butterfly. Now I tend to be more likely to seek people out and initiate gatherings. I've also become much more organized because of his influence. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Loupelou Posted August 20, 2009 Share Posted August 20, 2009 Dh and I married young, so we've kind of grown up together. Our families are pretty different, I love his mom so that's a plus. We've learned that we're the weirdos and we like it that way. He probably would never have given homeschooling a second thought; or organic, healthy eating; or exercise:D! He has helped me to be more mellow, I can be pretty uptight and need a gentle reminder. I've helped him to see that life is about learning in many different ways, he enjoys reading more, with the kids too. I've tried to help him be more organized, really I just do it for him. We've learned to lean on each other, and confide in each other. I guess we've both evolved, we're still inherently the same people but we're working at it together, I guess that is the important part. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
T'smom Posted August 20, 2009 Author Share Posted August 20, 2009 It's good to hear everyone's thoughts. I haven't posted enough to figure out the quote stuff- but there were several interesting points of view- especially Cedarmom. Easier certainly doesn't equal happier, does it? I'm glad I'm not alone in feeling this way! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tree House Academy Posted August 20, 2009 Share Posted August 20, 2009 Yup! We do this and my hubby says the same. That doesn't stop me getting my knickers in a twist now and then, though. :) Rosie Yes, yes knickers in a twist. :lol: I love you Rosie! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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