Here's a weird one for you - my 3 yo dd

[Jennifer in MI]

doesn't want to grow up. At first, I thought this would be a passing stage. But, it's just getting worse and worse.

 

At times she'll just start sobbing that she doesn't want to grow up. She wants to stay 3. One time she said it when she thought she was going to be four the next time we go to Disney. She just started sobbing that she didn't want to be 4.

 

Another time, she was crying that she wouldn't be able to live with us when she got bigger. We assured her that she'd be able to stay with us as long as she needed (we left out the fact that rent starts being owed when she turns 18!). But, she was crying so hard when she told me that she knew that wasn't true because dh and I don't live with our parents still.

 

There are many more examples. Mostly though she just starts sobbing and saying she doesn't want to get bigger/older. No explanations.

 

I don't quite know what to make of this! Any ideas or thoughts?

 

Here's a fear of mine - yesterday she asked me what was making her get bigger. I wasn't about to tell her that it was food! I think she'd stop eating.

 

Some more background - she's the youngest of 4, only girl, and she's TINY for her age (she weighs 23 pounds at 3.5 years old). I don't know if any of that matters!

[Perry]

When my dd was about 4 she went through a long stage of wanting to be a baby again. She was very serious, asking me how she could do it, and getting very upset when I told her she couldn't get younger, only older. I don't know what caused her to feel that way, but she eventually grew out of it. She still remembers it though, at age 12.

[Jennifer in MI]

Thanks Perry. Do you happen to remember how long it lasted? I'm hoping dd's is just a phase that she'll grow out of too.

 

Yesterday we attended a birthday party of a friend of hers who turned 5. My dd noticed that her friend was also very small and that seemed to help her, for some reason. Maybe dd thinks she gets attention because she's tiny? If she grows, she won't get as much attention? I don't know!!

[elise1mds]

My DD will do things like that, too. There are days she tells me she's going to be little forever. In fact, this morning, she left her bedside lamp on, and I asked her to go turn it off. She is perfectly capable of doing this but decided she couldn't do it. I believe her exact words, as she was wallowing all over me in tears, were, "Mom, I'm too SMALL... and I CAN'T be a big girl, and I NEED you to turn it off." Her best friend, while we were over there visiting the other day, also informed her mom that she was never going to get big so that she could live with her mom forever. I think it's just a phase some girls go through.

 

As for how to stop/change it, I don't. I just tell her she can be my little girl forever and ever and ever. She'll grow out of it on her own soon enough, so I'm going to savor the devotion while I can.

 

If you think it's an anxiety reaction, you could always try some relaxation techniques like breathing or child yoga. She might also be seeing what her brothers are having to do as they get older and reacting to that. Do they do quite a few chores? You might want to have her brothers talk to her if they do so that they can tell her it's okay to be older and it's more fun. I'm sure you know Mama's word isn't always enough ;)

 

Best of luck. Just a fun little side note, my DD4 is a Margaret, too! :D

[clarkacademy]

Sadly we have had alot of death in the family this past year or so. My then 3 year old started with the I don't wanna grow up she is now 5 and still says she will not be a big girl.

[Terabith]

My daughter went through that at three, too. She's always been pretty ambivalent about growing up. Didn't stop nursing till 3.5, is still addicted to her pacifier, and wouldn't use the potty. Doesn't want to be independent, refuses to try "grown up things." She turned four at the end of April, and while she's still not in a big hurry to grow up, it is MUCH better than it was a year ago. MUCH.

[Ellyndria]

Not just girls... DS is this way too. He is almost 4.5 now, but ever since he was 3, he was adamant that he did not want to be a big boy, he did not want to turn 4. Now he is 4 and is finally used to it, I guess, but he says he doesn't want to grow big and strong (this usually comes up during food and sleep issues), doesn't want to lose his sweet little voice, and doesn't want to lose his smooth skin (meaning he doesn't want to grow hair on his face). Don't know when this will change...

[joannqn]

I'm guessing it is a fairly common thing. In fact, there is a Caillou episode in which Caillou is afraid of getting older. He finds a dead bird in the garden and associates getting older with dying until his parents figure out what's bothering him and explains things to him.

[PiCO]

My youngest didn't want to grow up when she was about 3. I was having trouble potty training her, because I kept saying "Don't you want to be a big girl?" She finally told me no. So I switched to "You'll always be my baby. You can be my favorite little baby who pees and poops in the potty."

 

She potty trained immediately.

[gamommy]

One of my girls went through this phase as well. I believe she was 4 and I remember that it seemed to last forever, close to a year. I also saw it happen to various students during my teaching years.

 

The causes seem to vary a lot, for some kids it's a fear of death, sickness, or frailty. For others it could be a reluctance to take on more decision making, responsibility, independance, or chores. Some have concerns about specific events or milestones.

 

Some of these fears and concerns are based on real experiences, often times though there seems to be a confusion or mis-perception at work. My advice would be to talk, talk, talk, gently and try to get at the root. If it continues you may want to keep some notes and look for a pattern like certain people or situations that cause the anxiety.

[plansrme]

Maybe dd thinks she gets attention because she's tiny? If she grows, she won't get as much attention? I don't know!!

 

This is what immediately came to mind. Even if it does not seem to you like she gets a lot of attention for being the youngest and tiny, she probably perceives it as what makes her special. Perhaps start focusing on other ways that she is special, ways she will not grow out of.

 

Terri

[amy g.]

Miss Bossy will be 3 in a couple of weeks. She went through a time of not wanting to get big.

 

We used reverse psychology on her.

 

We talked about how perfect she was, and how we never wanted her to grow an inch.

 

After awhile, she just had to rebel. Now, we try to help her get on the potty, and she yells, "No! I growed up!"

 

Warning-this will probably only work with overly defiant personalities!

[Jennifer in MI]

If you think it's an anxiety reaction, you could always try some relaxation techniques like breathing or child yoga. She might also be seeing what her brothers are having to do as they get older and reacting to that. Do they do quite a few chores? You might want to have her brothers talk to her if they do so that they can tell her it's okay to be older and it's more fun. I'm sure you know Mama's word isn't always enough ;)

 

Best of luck. Just a fun little side note, my DD4 is a Margaret, too! :D

 

I just love the name Margaret! What do you call her? Ours is Meg.

 

Yes, I do think this is anxiety related. It really seems to stress her out, unfortunately. Anxiety runs in the family. So, I'm trying hard to nip this in the bud!

 

Her brothers do do a few chores, but usually they do them without trouble. And, dd always wants to do them too! I'll talk with my boys though and tell them to work in ways to talk with her about how much fun it is to get older.

 

Sadly we have had alot of death in the family this past year or so. My then 3 year old started with the I don't wanna grow up she is now 5 and still says she will not be a big girl.

 

:grouphug::grouphug: I'm sorry for all the saddness in your family. Glad to know I'm not alone with this though!

 

Not just girls... DS is this way too. He is almost 4.5 now, but ever since he was 3, he was adamant that he did not want to be a big boy, he did not want to turn 4. Now he is 4 and is finally used to it, I guess, but he says he doesn't want to grow big and strong (this usually comes up during food and sleep issues), doesn't want to lose his sweet little voice, and doesn't want to lose his smooth skin (meaning he doesn't want to grow hair on his face). Don't know when this will change...

 

Awwww . . . how sweet about not wanting to lose his voice and skin! I don't want my boys to, but my 13 yo's voice is changing!

 

I'm guessing it is a fairly common thing. In fact, there is a Caillou episode in which Caillou is afraid of getting older. He finds a dead bird in the garden and associates getting older with dying until his parents figure out what's bothering him and explains things to him.

 

Oh man! I'm glad my dd didn't see THAT!!!! Yikes! What a difficult concept for little kids.

 

My daughter went through that at three, too. She's always been pretty ambivalent about growing up. Didn't stop nursing till 3.5, is still addicted to her pacifier, and wouldn't use the potty. Doesn't want to be independent, refuses to try "grown up things." She turned four at the end of April, and while she's still not in a big hurry to grow up, it is MUCH better than it was a year ago. MUCH.

 

Actually, nursing is another one of her issues. She still nurses and one night she realized that none of her friends still nursed. I told her that she could nurse as long as she wanted/needed and she just broke down and told me that wasn't true because big girls didn't nurse!! Since then, I've been focusing a lot on calling her my little girl. I hope she doesn't quit nursing just because she thinks she has to. Poor kid!

 

My youngest didn't want to grow up when she was about 3. I was having trouble potty training her, because I kept saying "Don't you want to be a big girl?" She finally told me no. So I switched to "You'll always be my baby. You can be my favorite little baby who pees and poops in the potty."

 

She potty trained immediately.

 

:lol::lol: How sweet!!!

 

One of my girls went through this phase as well. I believe she was 4 and I remember that it seemed to last forever, close to a year. I also saw it happen to various students during my teaching years.

 

The causes seem to vary a lot, for some kids it's a fear of death, sickness, or frailty. For others it could be a reluctance to take on more decision making, responsibility, independance, or chores. Some have concerns about specific events or milestones.

 

Some of these fears and concerns are based on real experiences, often times though there seems to be a confusion or mis-perception at work. My advice would be to talk, talk, talk, gently and try to get at the root. If it continues you may want to keep some notes and look for a pattern like certain people or situations that cause the anxiety.

 

I went through a fear of death when I was little, but I was quite a bit older than she is. But, dd is scared to death of doctors and getting sick. (See why I'm a bit fearful for her? I really think we could have an anxiety issue!) So, I do want to get to the root of this and not just change the subject every time it comes up.

 

This is what immediately came to mind. Even if it does not seem to you like she gets a lot of attention for being the youngest and tiny, she probably perceives it as what makes her special. Perhaps start focusing on other ways that she is special, ways she will not grow out of.

 

Terri

 

Thanks. I do think that this is a huge part of it.

 

So, now, she doesn't want to turn 4. If this doesn't change, do I give her another 3rd birthday party? Or do we just throw a birthday party and not talk about age?

[Jennifer in MI]

Miss Bossy will be 3 in a couple of weeks. She went through a time of not wanting to get big.

 

We used reverse psychology on her.

 

We talked about how perfect she was, and how we never wanted her to grow an inch.

 

After awhile, she just had to rebel. Now, we try to help her get on the potty, and she yells, "No! I growed up!"

 

Warning-this will probably only work with overly defiant personalities!

 

:lol::lol:Seriously - I'm laughing out loud! Your dd sounds like such a fun person (I'm sure not for you always though!!).

 

I wonder what would happen if I tried that with dd. She's not very defiant - she's been the easiest child yet!

[Sonshine]

Another kind of reverse psychology is to let those who are big kids get to do some really cool activities, etc. It's a shame that Margaret can't do them since she isn't big enough. You would have to figure out a few really enticing activities that would interest her and exactly how much and what kind of tone and spin to put on it. More of a way to show how much fun getting bigger can be because you can so many things that little ones can't, than a punitive thing. It would help if a friend or older siblings were seen doing these activities.

 

When one of my sons was almost four he did not want to potty train. I offered him sweets, ice cream etc. if he would go - still no interest and I thought he was ready. What finally worked was giving his three older brothers an ice cream if they went. They has a blast that week - using the bathroom a lot of course. When he would ask for an ice cream, I would say that ice cream was for big boys, and we know someone is a big boy when he uses the bathroom. It worked.

 

I read a story once about a girl with two older brothers who was scared of the roaches (if you live where we do, that is common, not a sign of a dirty house). Finally the dad gave the boys a nickel every time they killed a roach. Before long she was chasing roaches all over the house and claiming her nickel too. I wish I could always be this creative when trying to find the right motivation for a child.

[Tree House Academy]

My youngest son doesn't cry...and he looks forward to getting older each birthday. HOWEVER, he does tell everyone he meets that he is never getting married and that he wants to live with mommy and daddy forever and be a Scientist. We get some really weird looks...you know, being homeschoolers and all, of course this is how we are training him (haha!).

[OrganicAnn]

My DD 5 goes from not wanting to grow up to telling us she wants to be an adult now. For the not wanting to grow up I'll jokingly put my hands on her head like I'm holding her down and say "no don't get any bigger please". I tell her that I used to do this to my younger sister who grew taller than me. She thinks that is very funny.

 

She'll also get fascinated with baby things and ask if she can try a bottle. We have some doll bottles that she can try. Then I'll say well it is time for the baby's nap. You need to sleep for an hour. (she hasn't taken a nap since 2). So she'll get tried of playing baby since it is just all sleeping/eating/pooping. I would guess lots of kids go through this.

[Mom0012]

My daughter, who is 7, occasionally goes through periods like this. It started when she was about 4. When she tells me that, I tell her that I felt the same way when I was young (true), but that what I have found is that there are lots of wonderful things about being a grownup that I never imagined when I was a child and that I was surprised to find that it can be lots of fun to be a grown up too. She will then ask me for specific examples and I give her some. This seems to help her.

 

I also remind her that even though being a grown up will be much better than she thinks, she still has lots and lots of time to be a kid and that she'll always be my baby.

 

Lisa