Frustrating how people misread your intentions

[Garga]

My sweet mil, whom I love and is really a wonderful woman, is under the impression that I'm homeschooling so that I can keep my children babies and mother (smother) them all day.

 

Examples:

She asked them if they liked VBS (5 days/3 hrs a day.) They said yes. Then she asked if they'd ever like to go to camp for a month--staying there all day and night. They said no. (They're 6 and 4--of course they said no! Duh!) I said, in a light tone, just going along with the banter, "They're too young to want to be away from me for a month."

 

And mil said, sing-song, "Sounds like Mother just doesn't want to be away from them."

 

And later that day, she was buying them sneakers. I mentioned that I like sneakers with white on them, not black. Because I do. For adults as well as children. I rarely wear black shoes of any sort. But she said, "Oh, you just like them in white sneakers because you want them to look like babies."

 

Ugh. These were just the two most recent examples. There's a common undercurrent in our conversations that I need to "let go" and give the kids some freedom.

 

She's really a very nice woman, but I can tell she's bemused by my decision to homeschool and I think she thinks it's a passing fancy on my part.

 

She also is laboring under the assumption that when the 4 yo is old enough for K, that I'll be sending them to school. I've never said that. And I don't plan on it. My plan is to hs thru 12th grade, barring an unforeseen circumstance.

 

Frustrating. Not sure why I'm posting other than I know that you guys will understand. And yes, I've talked to her about these things, but it just goes in one ear and out the other. I'll think she understands me and then 2 weeks later, we're back at square one.

[MrsMe]

See there you go, don't talk to her about these things. LOL! My mom wasn't completely on board either, but I never talked to her about it. I waited for her to see the results. On the other hand your situation is probably where you see her more than I. My mom is in another state. But anytime she asked how we were doing, if we were doing horribly at a certain time I didn't tell her.

 

As for the rest of her comments. Ignore them. Just don't engage. Say "maybe so" even if it isn't so and make sure whatever you say, she has no place to go with it. I have an aunt like this. I simply don't engage. Frankly it's none of her business. Some of us really love our kids and we'll do what we see fit.

 

Hang in there.

[mommaduck]

On the "I think mother just doesn't want to be away from her babies" comment, I would have said, "yes, unlike other mothers who can't stand being around their children"

 

Sorry, but she has crossed into rude.

[Avila]

I had family members who were OK when we first started homeschooling. I pulled out my oldest at age 6, and she was already reading and writing well and was really bored in school. Well, this year, she is 10 and going into 5th grade, and everyone is assuming it will be our last year homeschooling. Our middle schools start at 6th grade.

 

One asks me about once a month when I will be sending them to school. I respond politely but firmly that I don't have any plans to do that. And I get to have the same conversation a month later. Another makes sly comments on how my kids are behind socially, don't dress like the other kids, etc.

 

I can't change them. And even if I did send my kids to school, we wouldn't be enough like them to make them happy because we do have completely different standards for parenting issues and completely different goals for the kids. Not fun, but true. So at this point, I have decided that they are always going to have something to pick on with us and always have a reason to be unhappy and it is their issue, not mine.

 

Sorry you are dealing with this too!

[amsunshine]

These kinds of comments are really frustrating, I know!

 

My favorite response (sweetly, of course): "Well, everyone's entitled to their own opinion!"

 

Kind of like passing the bean dip. Hang in there!

[PineFarmMom]

And mil said, sing-song, "Sounds like Mother just doesn't want to be away from them."

 

 

 

:banghead: ARGGG!! I hate the sing-song voice. It is so condescending!!

 

Umm, newsflash. At 6 and 4, YOUR CHILDREN ARE BABIES!!!! 99% of children, at 4 & 6, would not want to spend a month away from their mom.

 

Okay. Now that I've shared your frustration, just love her anyway and keep calmly stating the way things are and the way things are going to be. Come up with a calm, kind phrase that you just keep repeating, and don't allow your frustration to shine through. You might even kindly tell her that she's been a mother and done what she felt is best and now you are the mother so you'll do what you think is best.

[Harriet Vane]

Do not put up with this passive-aggressive garbage. Saying condescending things in a sweet voice does not make those words any less rude, inappropriate, or intrusive. Can your husband tell his mom to knock it off? Can you tell her those comments are rude? Can you tell her those decisions are not up for discussion? If you don't draw a boundary, sweetly but firmly, she will continue with this unwarranted rudeness for.ev.er.

[NoPlaceLikeHome]

:grouphug:

I have received similiar comments from my dear parents whom I love dearly. They compare their free-range childhoods and school experiences in the 1940's and 1950's which I suspect were the good old days in many respects, although I could be wrong;). I think that now a days since there a lot more people, that there are more instances of crime and such. I also think there has been an element of moral decay as well compared to the good old days IMHO, although I recognize that I could be wrong. So as a result, I enjoy public school at home or homeschooling as an option for my ds. I also think that academically and socially the options that I have chosen are better for my ds.

 

 

I am fortunate that my MIL and FIL support our decision since I would not know how to handle it if they did not. I have been blessed.:)

[Impish]

Oh my goodness. I soooooooo know what you're talking about! My MIL was a teacher. She threw a blue fit when I told her that no, Tazzie would NOT be attending kindergarten. She views homeschooling as being ok for Diva (whom she sees as 'not really' her grandchild) but completely flipped when told neither of the Littles would be attending school.

 

MIL arrives next week :glare: She doesn't stay with us, thank heavens...but I've no doubt I'm in for a month of passive aggressive nonsense from her. Actually, I anticipate a huge fit being thrown when she finds out that dh and I are leaving the wknd after she arrives, and won't be available for her. *sigh*

[Caraway]

I am an adult and I wouldn't want to be away from my family for a month!

 

If your kids were in the local school, age 12, and having s*x in the bathrooms and drinking vodka out of water bottles - then would she be happy? Or would she be complaining that these days kids grow up too fast? I guess my point is that there is no winning.

 

It really bothers me that in our society we are always trying to speed kids up, starting with labor, then front facing car seats, weaning, schooling. Let the kid be a kid!

 

I think that my reaction, in the moment, would be to grab my kiddo, tickle them, smooch them, coo, and say in a really sappy baby voice "Of course they are my babies! My little tiny babies! I am going to baby them forever!" And then I would turn towards her like I was going to pinch her cheeks and coo "Be careful or I will baby you too!"

 

Or you could mention that she should hope that when she is elderly you take such good care of her. Just saying.

[OHGrandma]

Since you said how much you love her, and what a wonderful person she is, and you've spoken to her... I doubt there's much you can do to change her without ruining what is basically a good relationship. Remember, this stage of your children's lives will pass, but mil will still be there(probably). Given enough time she'll see you letting go appropriately, see your children grow and learn, and see you've done a great job.

I'd try to disengage somewhat at this point so you're not overloaded with negative comments. Come up with a couple canned responses, "They'll grow up soon enough, is that what you found?" Remember she is 'a very nice person', and this will pass.

[OHGrandma]

I am an adult and I wouldn't want to be away from my family for a month!

 

If your kids were in the local school, age 12, and having s*x in the bathrooms and drinking vodka out of water bottles - then would she be happy? Or would she be complaining that these days kids grow up too fast? I guess my point is that there is no winning.

 

It really bothers me that in our society we are always trying to speed kids up, starting with labor, then front facing car seats, weaning, schooling. Let the kid be a kid!

 

I think that my reaction, in the moment, would be to grab my kiddo, tickle them, smooch them, coo, and say in a really sappy baby voice "Of course they are my babies! My little tiny babies! I am going to baby them forever!" And then I would turn towards her like I was going to pinch her cheeks and coo "Be careful or I will baby you too!"

 

Or you could mention that she should hope that when she is elderly you take such good care of her. Just saying.

 

Ohhh, I love that one!

[amsunshine]

I think that my reaction, in the moment, would be to grab my kiddo, tickle them, smooch them, coo, and say in a really sappy baby voice "Of course they are my babies! My little tiny babies! I am going to baby them forever!" And then I would turn towards her like I was going to pinch her cheeks and coo "Be careful or I will baby you too!"

 

Or you could mention that she should hope that when she is elderly you take such good care of her. Just saying.

 

:lol:

[Supertechmom]

Draw the line. NO ONE but your hubby has the right to question your parenting and definelty not in front of the kids. I have no problem telling my in-laws and my mother "if you don't respect our decisions concerning our children, then you don't get to participate in their life."

 

And then I enforce that. Mil doesn't have anything to do with the kids unless I am present. She simply can't seem to stop undermining what we are doing. The last thing any child needs is for some adult in their life to constantly make remarks going against what we are doing. As they get older, it can make life harder for you. "granny said I should be in school" "granny said everybody does this and you are just being silly" and so on. Imagine how the remarks will sound when your oldest is 16 and the reaction from your child especially if they perceive it as Granny is in my corner. Stop the behavior now. It's rude. It's out of line. And it wont' stop with just homeschooling. It'll grow and morph into so much more.:glare:

[Garga]

 

I think that my reaction, in the moment, would be to grab my kiddo, tickle them, smooch them, coo, and say in a really sappy baby voice "Of course they are my babies! My little tiny babies! I am going to baby them forever!"

 

That is sooooo funny. I'll have to remember that.

[gardening momma]

She asked them if they liked VBS (5 days/3 hrs a day.) They said yes. Then she asked if they'd ever like to go to camp for a month--staying there all day and night. They said no. (They're 6 and 4--of course they said no! Duh!) I said, in a light tone, just going along with the banter, "They're too young to want to be away from me for a month."

 

And mil said, sing-song, "Sounds like Mother just doesn't want to be away from them."

I'd say, "Are you nuts?" :001_smile:

[Prudent]

Do not put up with this passive-aggressive garbage. Saying condescending things in a sweet voice does not make those words any less rude, inappropriate, or intrusive. Can your husband tell his mom to knock it off? Can you tell her those comments are rude? Can you tell her those decisions are not up for discussion? If you don't draw a boundary, sweetly but firmly, she will continue with this unwarranted rudeness for.ev.er.

 

I agree wholeheartedly. Your MIL has completely crossed the line. Despite her warm, sweet, or sing-song tones, she is clearly expressing disapproval of your parenting choices in front of your children. Do you really want your children repeatedly grilled as to whether or not their mother is acting in their best interests?

[Jean in Newcastle]

I got the same from my MIL. She made a LOT of references to short apron strings with ds(now 12) when he was 4 and 6. Just wait, the best revenge is that as they get older and start to be independent happy children, many grandparents come around. My MIL now brags about them constantly - and no more references to apron strings!

[5KidzRUs]

I learned this trick from my mom: Whenever someone says something rude - and you don't have an immediate comeback - pause, and REPEAT what they said back to them. So in your case - you might have said "I don't want white shoes because I want to keep them babies? ... ... " or (clear message) "So what you are saying is I don't want white shoes because I want to keep them babies? ... ... "

 

I think this gives people a chance to hear how their words sound and she can either retreat or elaborate.

Edited July 31, 2009 by 5KidzRUs

[Garga]

I learned this trick from my mom: Whenever someone says something rude - and you don't have an immediate comeback - pause, and REPEAT what they said back to them. So in your case - you might have said "I don't what white shoes because I want to keep them babies? ... ... " or (clear message) "So what you are saying is I don't what white shoes because I want to keep them babies? ... ... "

 

I think this gives people a chance to hear how their words sound and she can either retreat or elaborate.

 

 

That is very clever. I will definitely use that one, and not just for mil. I can see that technique working for lots of situations. Thanks for the tip!

[dirty ethel rackham]

I learned this trick from my mom: Whenever someone says something rude - and you don't have an immediate comeback - pause, and REPEAT what they said back to them. So in your case - you might have said "I don't what white shoes because I want to keep them babies? ... ... " or (clear message) "So what you are saying is I don't what white shoes because I want to keep them babies? ... ... "

 

I think this gives people a chance to hear how their words sound and she can either retreat or elaborate.

 

I love this one! And I don't find it snarky - not one bit.

[Saille]

Another makes sly comments on how my kids are behind socially, don't dress like the other kids, etc.

 

Here's an MSNBC article on school looks for fall. I think the picture subverts your relatives' arguments. Unless they think the opposite of behind is forward.

 

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/14232292/

 

Or wait, what about the tees for girls, with holes in them already? Or the one at Kohl's that says, "My monkey made me do it"? How can you deprive your children that way?

 

On a related topic, when did the line between the culture jammer I think I am and fuddy duddy-ism get so thin?

[dirty ethel rackham]

Since you said how much you love her, and what a wonderful person she is, and you've spoken to her... I doubt there's much you can do to change her without ruining what is basically a good relationship.

 

I guess I have to disagree that this is a good relationship. Maybe I have higher standards of a good relationship, but I certainly don't think one party belittling the other fits that standard. One person not respecting boundaries does not make a good relationship. No matter how sweetly said, an insult is an insult. Undermining a parent/child relationship is not an example of a good IL relationship.

 

I agree that a clear boundary needs to be established and there need to be consequences to maintain that boundary. I'm not advocating a hissy fit here, but stating clearly and firmly that the subject of homeschooling and parenting styles are not open for discussion and then follow through - either leave or don't invite her so often.

 

I had a similar problem with my own mom. Here I was, 30 years old, and my mom felt it was appropriate to tell me that I was doing everything wrong as a parent. Granted, she was "being sweet", but it still stung. I took it for 3 years - the constant disapproval and questioning of my every parenting decision. I finally had to grow a backbone when she bribed me with money to send my kids to school. That is when I put my foot down (in a calm, pleasant, but firm manner) and told her that we were the parents and that we get to make the decisions. If she could not abide by that and if we could not discuss without disapproval, then we would not discuss it at all. She hung up on me and didn't speak to me for several months. It hurt, but I the relationship was moving well into the toxic zone (you don't have to yell or swear to be toxic) and I had to make a change. After several months, mom called me out of the blue. She never apologized, but our relationship changed for the better. She began to treat me as an adult.

[PineFarmMom]

I guess I have to disagree that this is a good relationship. Maybe I have higher standards of a good relationship, but I certainly don't think one party belittling the other fits that standard. One person not respecting boundaries does not make a good relationship. No matter how sweetly said, an insult is an insult. Undermining a parent/child relationship is not an example of a good IL relationship.

 

 

 

I agree. It's taken me quite a few years, but I recognize now the waste of excusing this type of behavior in the name of "keeping the relationship" when the relationship is really messed-up in the first place!! Since it's a mil, that does make it harder, but setting firm boundaries for what you'll accept will go ahead and set the stage for the future. People acting and talking sweet does not make them nice. That's the other thing that hides the truth is that manner that she is speaking to you. If she said the things she's saying in a mean and unkind tone, it would really clear up that it's just. not. nice. I almost think the sweetness is worse than if she were direct and blunt.

[ereks mom]

My sweet mil, whom I love and is really a wonderful woman, is under the impression that I'm homeschooling so that I can keep my children babies and mother (smother) them all day.

.

.

.

There's a common undercurrent in our conversations that I need to "let go" and give the kids some freedom.

 

 

 

My MIL felt the same way as yours when my dc were younger. Then two of my SILs started homeschooling, and she suddenly said no more about it. :D