I just made a deal with my ds6

[laurad1125]

that if he doesn't pitch a fit for 7 days in a row I will make him a cake, with tons of frosting and candy, and let him eat as much as he wants at one time. He's all excited and has gone off to make a chart (I guess we use a lot of those here). The catch is he still throws 2-3 screaming, yelling fits a day. It will likely be October before I have to make the cake. But maybe it will encourage him to try to stop the fits....

 

 

This is one of those things that I never thought I would do as a parent....:tongue_smilie:

[TXMomof4]

I wish something like that would work with my dd. The problem is she doesn't like sweets. We go to Braums and all she wants it the cone. I'm not sure where she came from. Weird!

[Karen sn]

that if he doesn't pitch a fit for 7 days in a row I will make him a cake, with tons of frosting and candy, and let him eat as much as he wants at one time. He's all excited and has gone off to make a chart (I guess we use a lot of those here). The catch is he still throws 2-3 screaming, yelling fits a day. It will likely be October before I have to make the cake. But maybe it will encourage him to try to stop the fits....

 

 

This is one of those things that I never thought I would do as a parent....:tongue_smilie:

 

 

I would never do this.

Giving in like that gives him the power.

It's more like, "You don't act like a brat and I won't throw away your toys."

[dangermom]

Be warned--my friend did this exact thing with her youngest daughter, only with pierced ears. The kid did it the first week. :bigear: <--now with earrings

[keptwoman]

I would never do this.

Giving in like that gives him the power.

It's more like, "You don't act like a brat and I won't throw away your toys."

Same. In our house having a tantrum earns you time in your room. For our 5yo it's 20 mins and for our 9yo it's 1/2 a day. It's helping a lot since we put it into place. We've gone from multiple tantrums a day for DD and at least one a day for DS to one in the last week for DS and 1 every 3-4 days for DD. If DD doesn't quit altogether soon I'll be increasing the time in her room.

 

I have to be honest though and say it took a visit to a psychologist to make me realise that a tantrum should be a punishable offense. I wish I'd made the visit a couple of years ago.

 

I hope you get to make your cake soon though! And that the pattern persists afterward.

[CalicoKat]

that if he doesn't pitch a fit for 7 days in a row I will make him a cake, with tons of frosting and candy, and let him eat as much as he wants at one time. He's all excited and has gone off to make a chart (I guess we use a lot of those here). The catch is he still throws 2-3 screaming, yelling fits a day. It will likely be October before I have to make the cake. But maybe it will encourage him to try to stop the fits....

 

 

This is one of those things that I never thought I would do as a parent....:tongue_smilie:

it takes 30 days to make a change permanent?! Cake today. But what about the rest of the month?

 

My experience too is that he'll do it in the first week. That's my dd. Short term improvement is a relief. I'd quickly put into place the NEXT step.

 

If cake is his currency try a trip to the bakery to get dozen decorated sugar cookies. :D One for each running day of his success.

 

Or a fav. restaurant bonus date for 30! days of "hurricane" relief behavior.

[Truscifi]

I also would punish the tantrums with time out, but I would reward the good behavior too. However, I would be cautious about making the rewards food all the time. It is a good way to create an overweight child in the future. Anything your child enjoys can be a reward. We sometimes use food, sometimes a trip to the dollar store to pick out a new toy, sometimes picking out a movie from red box ($1 movie rental), etc. It is good to teach a child that food isn't the only thing to make you feel special.

[Haiku]

I have done some things as a parent that I never thought I would do, but I have always remained firm on the "I don't reward my kids for things they should be doing anyway." My concern is that, your kid gets his cake, and then what's his incentive to behave after that?

 

This one instance will probably not be a big deal in the long term. Just try not to make it a pattern.

 

Tara

[CalicoKat]

I have done some things as a parent that I never thought I would do, but I have always remained firm on the "I don't reward my kids for things they should be doing anyway." My concern is that, your kid gets his cake, and then what's his incentive to behave after that?

 

This one instance will probably not be a big deal in the long term. Just try not to make it a pattern.

 

Tara

but if she doesn't follow through this time that's also setting a precedent that will be harder to undo.

[Desert Rat]

Good idea! I wish I had thought of that idea with my oldest! It probably would have worked.

[Ginger]

So what exactly constitutes a tantrum? Where is the line drawn betweeen crying/tantrum? I'd have to have a pretty clear definition if I did something like this.

[muffinmom]

I wish something like that would work with my dd. The problem is she doesn't like sweets. We go to Braums and all she wants it the cone. I'm not sure where she came from. Weird!

 

 

that is so my ds. finally started eating ice cream at age 5. a little. but still likes the cone best. (I SO miss Braum's!!! used to live in TX)

[Aggie]

Same. In our house having a tantrum earns you time in your room. For our 5yo it's 20 mins and for our 9yo it's 1/2 a day. It's helping a lot since we put it into place. We've gone from multiple tantrums a day for DD and at least one a day for DS to one in the last week for DS and 1 every 3-4 days for DD. If DD doesn't quit altogether soon I'll be increasing the time in her room.

 

I have to be honest though and say it took a visit to a psychologist to make me realise that a tantrum should be a punishable offense. I wish I'd made the visit a couple of years ago.

 

I hope you get to make your cake soon though! And that the pattern persists afterward.

 

I agree with this method! :) Each of our dds threw a tantrum at 2-3yo. Very calmly, I picked her up, explained that this was not going to happen in our home, and took her to her room. I think one tried it again with the same result. Ds, to my recollection, hasn't had any tantrums. Yet. But he's had other attention-getting behavior!:lol:

 

Unless there is a medical issue, throwing tantrums is a way to get attention. The cure, ime, is no attention whatsoever.

 

And that cake sounds delicious!:001_smile:

[laurad1125]

I agree this isn't the best method - or even a good one. He's been getting put in time out for a while for the tantrums (defined as yelling, screaming, hitting, kicking, pounding on floor or walls) and it doesn't really seem to help. Actually, it helps him stop the tantrum but doesn't help him not start one - which is our goal here. We've not seen a reduction in the numbers at all.

 

This idea started with a discussion on the way home from a dinner to celebrate dh's birthday. Ds said I wish you'd make me a cake (which I do for all his birthdays) and I said if he went 7 days in a row without the tantrum, I would. Thus ensued the discussion of the details of the cake.

 

Food is definitely not something I normally use as a reward. I am quite over-weight and have worked pretty hard at teaching them good attitudes towards food. No clean plates required, sweets available but not a free for all, discussing good nutrition (we call it grow food) and how it makes you feel, etc. I think I was just desperate this time.

 

I also know that it won't cure the habit. What I'm hoping for is that it will encourage him to explore other ways of dealing with frustrating situations. Then, after the cake, we can revisit those ideas. Before this (and it's working so far) I've never (I don't think even once) been able to keep a tantrum from starting. But he wants this badly enough to stop himself. My expectation is that in order to get 7 days in a row, it will take 20 or so days of no fits. My hope is that will be enough to get us on the road to the habit, though we'll need to do some fine tuning.

 

We'll just have to see how it works out.....

[Tiff in TX]

 

I also know that it won't cure the habit. What I'm hoping for is that it will encourage him to explore other ways of dealing with frustrating situations.

We'll just have to see how it works out.....

 

Have you given him options for handling his emotions? Can you pin point what sets him off? Is there a pattern to the behavior? Are you able to see the signs of a pending tantrum and redirect his attention? Do you watch the tantrums, or just walk away?

 

Do you have a peaceful spot in your house where he can go and get away from everyone? Is he getting enough exercise and running off some of his energy? Is he getting enough sleep at night?

 

I'm sure it is hard to deal with, but I sometimes think that as parents, we are so involved with the situation that we forget to think of all possible options.

[mikeandlisa1995]

You cannot reason with a child. You'll do that your entire life and it will be to his demise. I cannot imagine what would happen as they get older if I just bargained with my child. He'll do that to others as he gets older. It's a vicious circle.

 

Ephesians

6:1 Children, obey your parents in the Lord: for this is right.

 

Colossians 3

20 Children, obey your parents in all things: for this is well pleasing unto the Lord.

 

There is disciplining necessary (this is not the nose in the corner--this is go find your switch outside) to let the child know who is in charge (and it is definitely not the child).

 

Lisa

[Plucky]

You cannot reason with a child. You'll do that your entire life and it will be to his demise. I cannot imagine what would happen as they get older if I just bargained with my child. He'll do that to others as he gets older. It's a vicious circle.

 

Ephesians

6:1 Children, obey your parents in the Lord: for this is right.

 

Colossians 3

20 Children, obey your parents in all things: for this is well pleasing unto the Lord.

 

There is disciplining necessary (this is not the nose in the corner--this is go find your switch outside) to let the child know who is in charge (and it is definitely not the child).

 

Lisa

 

 

I reason with my children, and it works sometimes. :D If you read farther into the thread you'll see that this idea came to her during a conversation with her son. She didn't wake up and think, "I'll bribe him with cake!" :lol:

[lionfamily1999]

I hope this works for you, and if it doesn't... eh, at least you learned something :)

 

Here's where I would normally wish you luck or something...... insert appropriate, hoping it all goes well, here ;)

[katemary63]

I don't want to add to the feeling of criticism here. That is truly not my intension. You sound like a good mom and are doing what you feel will help the situation and I understand that. However, I will just tell you how I see it and you can take if for what it's worth.

A six year old who throws a tantrum like you describe in my household would loose ALL privileges, and I mean EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM. No TV, No toys, no fun WHAT.SO.EVER. until there were no tantrums. He would only get them back after a week of NO tantrums. I would never and have never allowed a tantrum to take place in my presence. Not even one. I would look him directly in the eye, hold his arm very firmly and tell him, "If you EVER do that again, even ONE time, I will take everything you own and put it in the garage in boxes. You will not leave this house or attend ANY functions what so ever for a week. You are done throwing tantrums TODAY and you will NEVER do it again or you will suffer the consequences! DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M SAYING???"

Okay, think about this. This child is SIX YEARS OLD! This is not a toddler! Tell him to stop and make him do it. If you don't, you are in for trouble later on, guaranteed. He KNOWS what he's doing and he can stop on a dime if he chooses to. A tantrum like this is an act, a show, a manipulation, a tool he uses. Don't fall into the trap of thinking he can't stop or even has to try hard. It's not true. If the consequence were bad enough and he BELIEVED you would implement them, he would stop immediately. JMHO.

[Plucky]

I don't want to add to the feeling of criticism here. That is truly not my intension. You sound like a good mom and are doing what you feel will help the situation and I understand that. However, I will just tell you how I see it and you can take if for what it's worth.

A six year old who throws a tantrum like you describe in my household would loose ALL privileges, and I mean EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM. No TV, No toys, no fun WHAT.SO.EVER. until there were no tantrums. He would only get them back after a week of NO tantrums. I would never and have never allowed a tantrum to take place in my presence. Not even one. I would look him directly in the eye, hold his arm very firmly and tell him, "If you EVER do that again, even ONE time, I will take everything you own and put it in the garage in boxes. You will not leave this house or attend ANY functions what so ever for a week. You are done throwing tantrums TODAY and you will NEVER do it again or you will suffer the consequences! DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M SAYING???"

Okay, think about this. This child is SIX YEARS OLD! This is not a toddler! Tell him to stop and make him do it. If you don't, you are in for trouble later on, guaranteed. He KNOWS what he's doing and he can stop on a dime if he chooses to. A tantrum like this is an act, a show, a manipulation, a tool he uses. Don't fall into the trap of thinking he can't stop or even has to try hard. It's not true. If the consequence were bad enough and he BELIEVED you would implement them, he would stop immediately. JMHO.

 

I wonder if her son needs an evaluation. If the cake thing works then she should definitely do a crack down on him.

[swellmomma]

I wonder if her son needs an evaluation. If the cake thing works then she should definitely do a crack down on him.

 

 

I was wondering the same thing. My ds10 (almost 11) still tantrums at times. It has never been allowed in my home from toddlerhood on, but he can not help it. Like an austic child having a meltdown, he too has meltdowns when certain triggers are present. Cutting him off from everything would only make the situation worse.

[Plucky]

I was wondering the same thing. My ds10 (almost 11) still tantrums at times. It has never been allowed in my home from toddlerhood on, but he can not help it. Like an austic child having a meltdown, he too has meltdowns when certain triggers are present. Cutting him off from everything would only make the situation worse.

 

Yes, I have an 11yo child with many issues that still has problems controlling his emotions. He hasn't tantrumed in years but overreacts to everything. It's hard for him and hard for us. We are working with a psychologist and currently reevaluating meds. I love being a mom, but it's not for the wimpy. :001_smile:

[Haiku]

My son is also six. He was adopted from an orphanage and has some delays and after-effects of malnutrition. For years we put up with scatterbrained, impulsive behavior because we thought he couldn't help it. Finally, something happened that made me suspect he was manipulating us. I sat him down, told him that he got one "freebie" a day and the second time he either did something he was told not to or didn't do something he was told to do, he would go to bed. For the rest of the day. Even if it was nine o'clock in the morning.

 

The first time he was sent to bed, it was 5 pm. He missed dinner (which I have never done before) and was distraught. The next few days, he was "magically" able to control himself pretty well. About five days later, he was sent to bed at 1 pm. He missed snack AND dinner. He was distraught, but in a much more showy, look-how-distraught-I-am manner.

 

That was about 2 weeks ago. Amazingly, my son does what he is told and stops doing things he's told not to do pretty consistently now. A reminder of "this is your freebie" gets him back on track when he starts to slide.

 

I'm not saying whether drastic punishment is a good or bad thing for any given child. I'm just sharing my experience with a child that we believed, for good reason, couldn't control himself. We were wrong.

 

Tara

[katemary63]

I wonder if her son needs an evaluation. If the cake thing works then she should definitely do a crack down on him.

 

You are right. If there is some kind of emotional, developmental or congnitive disability or delay, then my comment would not apply. For any normal child, I stand by my advice.

[laurad1125]

I didn't really expect this kind of response. My original post was more about "I can't believe what I just did" than "This is a really good parenting idea." Oh, well, that's the risk you take on the web.

 

FWIW, It's working. 6 days, only one fit. He didn't even throw a fit when he was informed that he'd have to start over on his calendar because he did throw a fit. I think he just needed a reason to try to control himself. Punishments weren't doing it. When it's over and he's earned his cake, he'll start loosing screen time in the evenings on days he pitches fits. I'm confident that, along with the experience at having controlled himself while earning the cake, that will really help.

 

No, this path isn't for everyone, but I've yet to meet a homeschooler who was particularly concerned about how others did things, KWIM?;)

 

Thanks to everyone for weighing in. Even if we didn't agree on this topic, this forum is a wonderful place for support.

[FloridaLisa]

I didn't really expect this kind of response. My original post was more about "I can't believe what I just did" than "This is a really good parenting idea." Oh, well, that's the risk you take on the web.

 

Well, right now I'm potty training my 2-yo and I'd make her a cake if that's what it took to get her completely trained!

 

BUT, it's interesting to really look at the deal you made with your ds. First, you now know he does have some self-control because he's down from several fits a day to one in 6 days. IME, when I've offered a deal with an older child ("you're not going on the youth trip until your attitude improves"), I get short-term compliance. Once the prize is won, the poor behavior returns. It's behavior modification at its worst and IME has never resulted in long-term changes.

 

Butr perhaps this experience will be beneficial for you because now you know he *can* respond without fits.

 

Lisa

[Lovedtodeath]

Different things work for different kids. Maybe this child needs to prove to himself that he really can control his temper. If the cake gives him the incentive he needs than it really might help in the long run.

 

Incentives have their place. How many of us would keep doing a job for no pay? (ya, ya, we are moms for free but that's different) How many of us would keep trying to learn a task or achieve a goal that had no reward?

 

Once this child meets that goal and gets the reward then something more on-going and a bit smaller can be used I would bet. My daughter has a reward chart. She gets stickers on the chart for good behavior and then a small reward when the chart is full.

 

It would be great if doing good was it's on reward, and someday I am sure it will be, but when they are young sometimes the rewards need to be more tangible.

Love you Christina!

 

I don't want to add to the feeling of criticism here. That is truly not my intension. You sound like a good mom and are doing what you feel will help the situation and I understand that. However, I will just tell you how I see it and you can take if for what it's worth.

 

A six year old who throws a tantrum like you describe in my household would loose ALL privileges, and I mean EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM. No TV, No toys, no fun WHAT.SO.EVER. until there were no tantrums. He would only get them back after a week of NO tantrums. I would never and have never allowed a tantrum to take place in my presence. Not even one. I would look him directly in the eye, hold his arm very firmly and tell him, "If you EVER do that again, even ONE time, I will take everything you own and put it in the garage in boxes. You will not leave this house or attend ANY functions what so ever for a week. You are done throwing tantrums TODAY and you will NEVER do it again or you will suffer the consequences! DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M SAYING???"

 

Okay, think about this. This child is SIX YEARS OLD! This is not a toddler! Tell him to stop and make him do it. If you don't, you are in for trouble later on, guaranteed. He KNOWS what he's doing and he can stop on a dime if he chooses to. A tantrum like this is an act, a show, a manipulation, a tool he uses. Don't fall into the trap of thinking he can't stop or even has to try hard. It's not true. If the consequence were bad enough and he BELIEVED you would implement them, he would stop immediately. JMHO.

I still throw fits. Some of us have problems with mood and stimuli.

 

I didn't really expect this kind of response. My original post was more about "I can't believe what I just did" than "This is a really good parenting idea." Oh, well, that's the risk you take on the web.

 

FWIW, It's working. 6 days, only one fit. He didn't even throw a fit when he was informed that he'd have to start over on his calendar because he did throw a fit. I think he just needed a reason to try to control himself. Punishments weren't doing it. When it's over and he's earned his cake, he'll start loosing screen time in the evenings on days he pitches fits. I'm confident that, along with the experience at having controlled himself while earning the cake, that will really help.

 

No, this path isn't for everyone, but I've yet to meet a homeschooler who was particularly concerned about how others did things, KWIM?;)

 

Thanks to everyone for weighing in. Even if we didn't agree on this topic, this forum is a wonderful place for support.

Glad it is working! It sounds like you have a good idea of where to go from here. :grouphug: