Sarah CB Posted June 27, 2009 Share Posted June 27, 2009 My sister is coming to visit next week. She's six months pg and her boyfriend is coming along with her. They're staying with us and I'm really looking forward to this. My mom and dad (divorced for 25 years and living on opposite ends of the country from each other) are coming, too. We do this every year and it's normally a lot of fun. This will be my first chance to get to know her bf. He seems like a really nice guy. But, now that my sister is pg I find it a lot harder to just let what she does/says go. My sister is going on mat leave in a few months and isn't taking home a lot at that point, her boyfriend is already really stressed out about suddenly being responsible for a family and he's right in the middle of a job change. He's got good earning potential, but is not making very much right now. And my sister told me today that she's planning a trip to Vegas for her 30th birthday with two of her girlfriends in July. I think her baby will be 9 months old by then. My first response (which I coughed down) was, "Are you nuts?" Instead I changed the subject. I'm not sure who a) leaves a baby for a weekend so she can party with friends and b) plans a solo trip when money is an issue?? I know she's slowly coming around to the idea of being a parent and she's looking to me for a lot of advice. I've been careful not to dish out too much and to reinforce the fact that she is already building a lot of knowledge on her own. But, I don't know what to even say about stuff like a Vegas birthday bash for a new mother who is short on cash... Then again, our value system as a family is very different as well. Dh made the point that we have the money to go and our kids aren't babies anymore, but we still wouldn't go on a solo party trip. Is there a stock phrase that I can give for any ideas she comes up with that I think are wacko? Or is this simply a "pass the bean dip" type of thing? "Wow, Vegas, that's really exciting. Could you please pass the bean dip?" Right now, from her conversations with me, the baby seems more like a fashion accessory and she doesn't think her time out with friends is going to be compromised. I know that will likely change when she actually has the baby, but that's still a few months off. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dobela Posted June 27, 2009 Share Posted June 27, 2009 I don't have a lot to say about the whole situation. I am not good at keeping my mouth closed either.... I did take a long weekend vacation with my dh when my ds was just 5 months old. Honestly, I was exhausted and it was one of the best things I did at the time. My parents kept the baby. It was hard leaving him, but I know I was a better parent after I returned. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Storm Bay Posted June 27, 2009 Share Posted June 27, 2009 Some people do leave their babies and go on trips. I wouldn't. However, she's still pregnant. Lots of things I thought I was going to do when I had my first baby never happened. When my sister (who has a different belief system than I do and likes different parenting authors) gives unsolicited advice, I choose to ignore anything I wasn't already going to do. I never give her unsolicited advice. I'd be supportive rather than itching to tell her how wrong you think she is to want to do something. I could never leave a 6, 8 or 12 week old baby at day care, but people do it all the time. I happen to have very strong opinions on this, but have learned to keep my mouth shut (my sister didn't--she had 5 month mat leaves and then worked part time, so this eg isn't applicable to what I said about her above.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted June 27, 2009 Share Posted June 27, 2009 (edited) I'd tell her to leave booking it until the last minute because Mamma hormones do wacky things and it'd suck if she was to change her mind and lose her money. Also that bub will probably be in the separation anxiety phase so it'd be more enjoyable to go later once he/she's grown out of that. Then I'd leave it alone. I'd have said my piece and it would not be my fault if it was ignored... Rosie Edited June 27, 2009 by Rosie_0801 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardening momma Posted June 27, 2009 Share Posted June 27, 2009 She's six months pg and her boyfriend is coming along with her. .....And my sister told me today that she's planning a trip to Vegas for her 30th birthday with two of her girlfriends in July. I think her baby will be 9 months old by then. Is that July of this year or next? Because I can't figure out how she can be 6 mo. pregnant now and next month the baby will be 9 mo. old when she leaves for Vegas. :001_smile: If it's next year, well, that's a year away, so I wouldn't worry about it now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Storm Bay Posted June 27, 2009 Share Posted June 27, 2009 I'd tell her to leave booking it until the last minute because Mamma hormones do wacky things and it'd suck if she was to change her mind and lose her money. Rosie That's a good one. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LaxMom Posted June 27, 2009 Share Posted June 27, 2009 I would spend a lot of time with a big, crazy looking smile slapped on my face and a lot of time talking to myself in the pantry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catalinakel Posted June 27, 2009 Share Posted June 27, 2009 duct tape would be the only thing that works for me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Samiam Posted June 27, 2009 Share Posted June 27, 2009 Yeah, definately take some secret personal time-outs in order to save self from spewing. I agree with others, what one thinks prior to children and after children do tend to change dramatically, so who knows if the Vegas thing would even be a thought for her by then. I actually don't think leaving a 9 month old baby for the weekend is wrong. I have never done it, but I can see someone needing a little self-preservation break. 2-3 days, completely understandable. As far as the $$, unless she is asking you for $$, and then still going on trips, it's kind of none of your business :). Dumb on her part, yes, but the kind of mistake one needs to make on their own to learn a lesson. Most people make dumb $$$ decisions occasionally, and many people continue to make them. You can't make them change or stop until they want to. Instead, I would only give advice if asked, and then be alert to offer help/advice if you see her struggling after the baby comes. Otherwise you are only talking to deaf ears OR worse, annoying her with unwanted advice. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted June 27, 2009 Share Posted June 27, 2009 I'm not sure who a) leaves a baby for a weekend so she can party with friends and b) plans a solo trip when money is an issue?? A whole lot of women I work with. I think it is a generational thing. They are all under 35 and wear the painfully tight pants, no matter their figure. They often go together, leaving kiddos with mom or sis. You may be asked :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted June 27, 2009 Share Posted June 27, 2009 Her baby, her gig, her business. Just as you wouldn't want her input into how to raise your children, homeschool, etc...do her a favour and respect her decisions as a mother, especially as she has the right to change any she makes *now* once she holds her baby in her arms ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mommylawyer Posted June 27, 2009 Share Posted June 27, 2009 I say offer to keep the baby while she's gone. (I won't state the myriad of reasons why, but I'm sure you'll figure those out!) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melinda in VT Posted June 27, 2009 Share Posted June 27, 2009 I agree with Impish. We get people telling us all the time that we're crazy to take our kids to Europe, that they won't appreciate it and it's a waste of money, etc. We also occasionally take trips that involve leaving kids behind. Our money, our kids. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommyof4ks Posted June 27, 2009 Share Posted June 27, 2009 It is tough to keep my mouth shut sometimes too, but then again I am too opinionated lol. I was 21 when my dd was born, and honestly I had no idea how her birth would change my life. The day before she was born I was prepared to go back to work as soon as a day care would take her, but the day after I could not even imagine leaving her to go to class (I was still in college and I did leave her for that). Many people offered advice and I ignored it all. We have made our share of financial mistakes as well, but we are better people for all of our mistakes. Answer honestly when she asks questions, but mostly just smile and nod :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SherryTX Posted June 27, 2009 Share Posted June 27, 2009 Her baby, her gig, her business. Just as you wouldn't want her input into how to raise your children, homeschool, etc...do her a favour and respect her decisions as a mother, especially as she has the right to change any she makes *now* once she holds her baby in her arms ;) I agree. By the way - I left my youngest who was about 4 or 5 months old (along with 3 other kids) with my mom so my husband and I could go to Vegas for a week. It was much needed, let me tell you! If her boyfriend doesn't care - why should you? I honestly don't see what the big deal is. It's up to him to ask her not to go. Unless she specifically asks you what you think, I would just leave it alone. Although - on a personal note, if she is still breast feeding and wants to make sure she can still when she gets back, she should remember to take a pump with her and do the ol "pump and dump" while in Vegas so her breasts don't explode and her milk doesn't dry up. After reading this thread, I am craving a week in Vegas without the minions....sigh.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted June 27, 2009 Share Posted June 27, 2009 Her baby, her gig, her business. Just as you wouldn't want her input into how to raise your children, homeschool, etc...do her a favour and respect her decisions as a mother, especially as she has the right to change any she makes *now* once she holds her baby in her arms ;) :iagree: I was pregnant and miserable when I turned 30. It was even harder than turning 40. I would have loved a weekend away with my girlfriends after the baby was born. Leaving a nine month old for a weekend really wouldn't even hit my radar. We had family we trusted to care for ds and probably did leave him for a weekend by the time he was that age. Just in case, here's the bean dip. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DawnM Posted June 27, 2009 Share Posted June 27, 2009 If she asks for advice, offer an opinion but not a fact....use lots of "I" statements but leave it open for her own ideas. If she doesn't ask for opinions, don't give them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dirtroad Posted June 27, 2009 Share Posted June 27, 2009 Buy extra packs of chewing gum..... just chew, smile & chew! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carrie12345 Posted June 27, 2009 Share Posted June 27, 2009 I worry about my sisters all the time, and I have a hard time keeping my mouth shut. My rule of thumb: Potential harm? Open mouth Harmless difference of opinion? Shut mouth Leaving a 9mo for a weekend is not harmful. Just because I have yet to leave my 2yo ds anywhere for more than a couple of hours (and I think I've done that with my in-laws twice), does not mean I was hurting my 3mo dd when I left her at my in-laws' overnight. They were harmless differences of opinion. As far as $$$, who knows where they'll be in a year? And who knows how it's even being paid for? Vegas airfare tends to be cheap, and girlfriends tend to pick up tabs for b-day girls. I do get your frustration though. My sister is due in barely 2 weeks. And birth options (in my head) are in the fuzzy area between potential harm and difference of opinion. We've had "fun" navigating that one, lol. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danestress Posted June 27, 2009 Share Posted June 27, 2009 What's the problem? My husband left our babies with me for a few days at a time numerous time - sometimes for business, once I remember to visit parents. I don't remember if he did it for pleasure at that age, but it doesn't seem like a big deal. I left them with him for a three night solo get away when they were 2 years old. I had to wait until they were weaned, but a lot of women are done breastfeeding at nine months. A nine month old baby doesn't really require the constant presence of two parents, and I have a feeling your sisters BF is going to be pretty insulted if you somehow make it sound like she shouldn't trust him to stay a weekend with his own child. I'd keep my mouth shut, and I don't think I would have much trouble doing so since this would be so profoundly none of my business, especially the financial part of it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sarah CB Posted June 27, 2009 Author Share Posted June 27, 2009 Ok. Now I feel ready. I'm buying gum, looking up some scripture on holding my tongue, getting out the bean dip, and looking forward to a fun and relaxing week with my family. I put the Vegas thing out there as just an example. My sister has never really gotten out of the "teenager" phase. It was always kind of cute and funny and (when she got herself into trouble and had to be bailed out) sometimes frustrating. But, now that there is a baby coming I'm having a hard time listening to the kinds of ideas that I would have thought were funny (or just fun) in the past. I know. Not my business. I will repeat that 100 times. I'm thankful for those of you who pointed out the difference between harmful behavior and a difference of opinion. I'm sure we'll have a few of those. And that's Ok (I think I'll repeat that 100 times, too). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NicksMama-Zack's Mama Too Posted June 27, 2009 Share Posted June 27, 2009 Yeah, definately take some secret personal time-outs in order to save self from spewing.I agree with others, what one thinks prior to children and after children do tend to change dramatically, so who knows if the Vegas thing would even be a thought for her by then. I actually don't think leaving a 9 month old baby for the weekend is wrong. I have never done it, but I can see someone needing a little self-preservation break. 2-3 days, completely understandable. As far as the $$, unless she is asking you for $$, and then still going on trips, it's kind of none of your business :). Dumb on her part, yes, but the kind of mistake one needs to make on their own to learn a lesson. Most people make dumb $$$ decisions occasionally, and many people continue to make them. You can't make them change or stop until they want to. Instead, I would only give advice if asked, and then be alert to offer help/advice if you see her struggling after the baby comes. Otherwise you are only talking to deaf ears OR worse, annoying her with unwanted advice. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ciyates Posted June 27, 2009 Share Posted June 27, 2009 Well now I don't feel so bad about leaving the 13 yr old with Grandma for a long weekend. :001_smile: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Storm Bay Posted June 27, 2009 Share Posted June 27, 2009 I agree. By the way - I left my youngest who was about 4 or 5 months old (along with 3 other kids) with my mom so my husband and I could go to Vegas for a week. It was much needed, let me tell you! If her boyfriend doesn't care - why should you? I honestly don't see what the big deal is. It's up to him to ask her not to go. Unless she specifically asks you what you think, I would just leave it alone. Although - on a personal note, if she is still breast feeding and wants to make sure she can still when she gets back, she should remember to take a pump with her and do the ol "pump and dump" while in Vegas so her breasts don't explode and her milk doesn't dry up. After reading this thread, I am craving a week in Vegas without the minions....sigh.... This reply goes with several others on here. I agree--he's going to watch the baby. I wouldn't do it, but many do and it's fine. Plus, not only is it the under 35 generation; some did it in my mother's generation, too. I once left my eldest for 10 days when she was 14 or 15 months old because I was told she was old enough. Some might not mind, but I hated it and never did it again. She was and is fine over it, btw, but I decided that I prefer to wait until they're old enough to understand time, etc. As long as that baby is loved and well cared for, that won't matter. As for the financial part, as hard as it is, if she doesn't ask, technically it's not your business. I can't tell you how many times I've seen my sister make mistakes with one of her dc (she's overall a good mother, but really doesn't understand one of her dc) and I have had to bite my tongue. That ds ought to be homeschooled and I know it (he's a lot like me in many ways, and she does realize that part), but there is no way they'd ever even consider it, so if I were to suggest it, it would merely antagonize her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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