Tap Posted June 21, 2009 Share Posted June 21, 2009 I am the legal permanent guardian to my dd2 (she is my great niece). Her bio father is coming to see her today along with his family. One on hand I feel like I could make him a card (she is too little to do it on her own) with a hand print on it or such, but then I feel like if I do anything for father's day from her, it should only be for my husband. He is the one who has raised her. The bio-dad has only spent 50ish hours with her, her entire life. I have a Ton of resentment towards her bio-dad because he didn't step up and raise her, then left the area, making any relationship between them even more difficult. He blames everyone but himself, for the situation. My question is, how do you handle the holidays? Especially if they are going to see them on the actual day. If she was old enough to make a little card, I wouldn't care one bit. I just don't want to do it myself. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robin Hood Posted June 21, 2009 Share Posted June 21, 2009 (edited) It's been awhile since I've been here and I thought I remembered you adopting her. My memory is getting worse. eeek That's tough. I question so many decisions I make with my 2 dd. I have not focused their attention on any other father except my dh. I went very low key when Bianca (irl, my cousin) would ask questions and cry, but she was 5 when we got her. Kate's bf died 10 years ago. There have been tears with both girls. We talk a little but all effort with cards and gifts went to dh and in Bianca's case, 5 years later, she is happy and well adjusted and rarely does the topic of her bf ever come up. We have discussed the why of everything and she knows most of why she lives with us. When we do talk of bf, I make sure she knows that he loves her and that he shows his love very badly. She is not at all like him and in fact is opposite. She is a daddy's girl and my dh is The Man in her life. eta ~ you can ask more specific questions. I don't know how well I answered your question. Edited June 21, 2009 by Robin Hood Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MamaT Posted June 21, 2009 Share Posted June 21, 2009 I'm not in your situation since my dd's never knew and have no contact with their birth parents. My gut feeling is that you should just skip the card - your dh is her father. Any "father" stuff IMO should be aimed at him, not bf. Like I said, I'm not in your situation so this is JMHO. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tap Posted June 21, 2009 Author Share Posted June 21, 2009 It's been awhile since I've been here and I thought I remembered you adopting her. My memory is getting worse. eeek That's tough. I question so many decisions I make with my 2 dd. I have not focused their attention on any other father except my dh. I went very low key when Bianca (irl, my cousin) would ask questions and cry, but she was 5 when we got her. Kate's bf died 10 years ago. There have been tears with both girls. We talk a little but all effort with cards and gifts went to dh and in Bianca's case, 5 years later, she is happy and well adjusted and rarely does the topic of her bf ever come up. We have discussed the why of everything and she knows most of why she lives with us. When we do talk of bf, I make sure she knows that he loves her and that he shows his love very badly. She is not at all like him and in fact is opposite. She is a daddy's girl and my dh is The Man in her life. eta ~ you can ask more specific questions. I don't know how well I answered your question. Because the guardianship is permanent, it is basically the same as adoption. There were some legal reasons why we did the paperwork this way, one being it is much, much faster. It is nice to hear success stories with kids. I guess the only question I have is, what does you dd call her bio-dad? She knows my husband as 'daddy' and we call her bio-dad 'Daddy Dylan", does that seem like it will be confusing in the future? We don't want to discount who he is to her, but at the same time, the frustration comes up in me that says he doesn't even deserve the 'daddy' status. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tap Posted June 21, 2009 Author Share Posted June 21, 2009 I'm not in your situation since my dd's never knew and have no contact with their birth parents. My gut feeling is that you should just skip the card - your dh is her father. Any "father" stuff IMO should be aimed at him, not bf. Like I said, I'm not in your situation so this is JMHO. I don't think you have to be in the same situation to appreciate the feelings involved. Thanks for taking the time to help me think it through :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tap Posted June 21, 2009 Author Share Posted June 21, 2009 Cards are for Daddies, not sperm donors. :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carrie12345 Posted June 21, 2009 Share Posted June 21, 2009 Because the guardianship is permanent, it is basically the same as adoption. There were some legal reasons why we did the paperwork this way, one being it is much, much faster. It is nice to hear success stories with kids. I guess the only question I have is, what does you dd call her bio-dad? She knows my husband as 'daddy' and we call her bio-dad 'Daddy Dylan", does that seem like it will be confusing in the future? We don't want to discount who he is to her, but at the same time, the frustration comes up in me that says he doesn't even deserve the 'daddy' status. I can't say whether he's deserving of the status or not, but I will tell you that my ds calls both my dh and his bio-father "Dad", and has been since he was a toddler. (Dh started out as Daddy-Firstname, but ds dropped that after a few years.) As far as I'm aware, it hasn't caused any confusion. Kids are smart! ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dobela Posted June 21, 2009 Share Posted June 21, 2009 How about Mr. First name? or Uncle first name? Legally, your dh is the father now and he deserves that honor IMO. The parent is the one who actually does the parenting. The birthmothers of my children have never identified the birthfathers so we have not been in your situation exactly. My cousin though is in the process of her now dh adopting her son from a previous relationship. Her son is 4 and they distinguish by Daddy Matt and Daddy Mike. As time has gone on, her 4 yo has gradually on his own called Daddy Matt just Daddy, and calls the other Mike. I think simply because he never sees Mike much anymore. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
southmetromom Posted June 21, 2009 Share Posted June 21, 2009 Just underscoring what others have said... ...our two adopted-at-birth-children DO have relationships with the birth families. (By our choice and mutual agreement, not legal requirement). We see them once or twice a year. Dc are 7 and 10 now. They call their birth-relatives by their first names (which sets them apart from the rest of the world, whom they address as "Mr." and "Mrs."). They call other birth-relatives by "Aunt Doris" etc. They understand who these people are, and we maintain the relationships because they are positive. (If that should change, we would back off). Sandy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted June 21, 2009 Share Posted June 21, 2009 Does that seem like it will be confusing in the future? We don't want to discount who he is to her, but at the same time, the frustration comes up in me that says he doesn't even deserve the 'daddy' status. My kids aren't adopted, but I refer to their godmother as "Mamma Soph." I assume I'd refer to their godfather as "Papa David" if he was around more, but he's moved out of state so we probably won't see him again until Christmas. A 2 year old will take the "Daddy Dylan" as being his name, she won't yet understand it as a descriptive term. Rosie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nicole M Posted June 21, 2009 Share Posted June 21, 2009 I've been thinking about this all day. Please disregard this if you don't feel it's appropriate, since I'm not in the category of folks you asked, and I am completely biased. I don't have a daughter. This is something I thought I would eventually get over, but year after year, the pain just remains. It has lessened, but occasionally it comes back to bite me. Like today, reading your question. I adore my boys, and on every mother's day thank my husband for making me a mother. So you see, I would be eternally grateful to the "sperm donor" whose irresponsibility gave me opportunity to raise a daughter. That is not to say that I would make the card, but I can imagine a situation where I might be compelled to. On the other hand, I understand your resentment. I was raised by my step-mother because my mother is mentally ill, and gave us away. I do not feel any obligation to my biological mother, but I don't feel any resentment toward her, either. However, I can see how my step-mother would. She has made comments over the years that suggest that she is enraged, in a fierce, protective sort of way, about my mother's inability to function, and the cruelty she inflicted on her children. I guess what I felt like, reading just that little glimpse into your life, is that you have an opportunity to extend grace to the man who made a huge mistake and shirked responsibility. He did, after all, give you the most precious imaginable gift. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted June 21, 2009 Share Posted June 21, 2009 Wolf is Diva's Dad. Period. Genetically, no, but that's not what matters in this family, LOL! I wouldn't make the card. He's not a Dad. Father's Day is for Dads raising kids. He's not. He was a lucky shot in the dark. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
myfunnybunch Posted June 21, 2009 Share Posted June 21, 2009 I guess I feel a little differently than the other posters. I have been raising a stepdaughter for many years, although my dd's biomom has been a responsible and dedicated mother. If he is coming to visit with his family, and the relationship is mostly a positive one, I would give her a piece of paper to scribble on, write her name on it and give it to him. I'd probably give him a photo or even take one of them together and give it to him and to his family. Not because he is her father. Not as a Father's Day gift. I would do it as a kindness to a man who, despite having shirked his responsibilities, thinks enough of this little girl to visit. I would do it because he will treasure those things even if he doesn't deserve them. Cat Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robin Hood Posted June 21, 2009 Share Posted June 21, 2009 (edited) Because the guardianship is permanent, it is basically the same as adoption. There were some legal reasons why we did the paperwork this way, one being it is much, much faster. It is nice to hear success stories with kids. I guess the only question I have is, what does you dd call her bio-dad? She knows my husband as 'daddy' and we call her bio-dad 'Daddy Dylan", does that seem like it will be confusing in the future? We don't want to discount who he is to her, but at the same time, the frustration comes up in me that says he doesn't even deserve the 'daddy' status. Whew. I'm glad I haven't completely lost my memory yet. I would drop the Daddy Dylan. Two months after Bianca moved in with us, it didn't feel right to have one child call us Robin and Craig and another Mommy and Daddy, so I told her to call us Mommy and Daddy, knowing the adoption would go through and that there was no turning back. She was adamant and angry ~ "You're not my mommy and Craig is not my daddy." We said, "Somebody has to take care of you and the state of California is picking us, so that makes us your mommy and daddy." : -) It didn't come natural at first, but we knew when it did. Now she says she wishes she was in my tummy and not her bm. We don't see Bianca's bf anymore. He has disappeared. His brothers and sisters can't find him either, so that tells us not all is well. Because she has not lived with him since she was 3, she has called him Bill because that is what everybody else calls him, but I am pretty sure when they were alone together on a few excursions before he disappeared, she called him Daddy. She probably still would if she were alone with him. She goofed up now and then and always knew when she did. We never said anything. She is so sensitive that she would never call him that in front of us even if we were to tell her it was ok. Kids are smart and there was no confusion over who was who. She had a rough 2 years adjusting to the change of living with us anyway because she also loved her day care turned foster father who was more of a dad than her real dad all of her life. She kept us all straight in her mind without any confusion. Both of my dd have had more issues over the bm more so than bf. Both have written letters that we have tucked away for when they get to meet. They don't say much more than I miss you and I love you ~ so I know there is an emptiness they feel. Dh and I love them through it and promise they will meet them someday. They don't cry over them anymore. I probably shouldn't tell so much, but it helps me work through stuff too. Edited June 21, 2009 by Robin Hood Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eternalknot Posted June 22, 2009 Share Posted June 22, 2009 We have a similar situation in our extended family. I think it's natural to feel instinctively threatened by the presence of biological parents; biology is such a strong tie, you know? It's designed to be! And yet, many BTDT people know that bonding is even stronger. The ride may be bumpy, and it will take time to grow and reach its full strength, but more times than not - bonding will do just that: become the strongest tie between two or more people. Moreso than biology. The best gift you can give this child is the gift of security. Security in knowing that whatever the name she calls you, you ARE the people she can count on to keep her safe and secure. Security in knowing that you are a stable force in her life, and that she can count on that stability to be her "home base" as she explores the other force in her life ... the biological side of who she is ... however unpredictable and unstable it is or will be. Security in knowing that you accept her unconditionally, so that she doesn't spend a lifetime putting your own needs and feelings above her own - to her detriment - when it comes to wanting or needing to examine and work through the issues surrounding her early years and eventual adoption. The reality is that she has two fathers; don't do her the disservice of implying there is only one (or creating a situation whereby she feels she has to protect your husband's feelings of being the only or most important one). Let that realization come naturally - and it will - on her terms, in her own time. Not only for her sake, but for your own; it will mean so much more. She'll come to see ALL of her parents in their true light, given the space and security to do so. You don't have to do bells and whistles for her biological dad, but trust the input of someone who has lived and learned ... make a small acknowledgment to the man. It doesn't have to be an either/or situation, your husband will still get the full recognition for his role in her life (both now and later). I like the suggestion of a photo, or picture the child drew in the biological dad's presence - or a token scribble on a storebought card. I know day is done, but I was very much saddened by some of the well-intentioned replies you received to your OP. Saddened in the sense that adoption remains very misunderstood, even by those in the trenches. Seemingly harmless actions can have such longlasting, painful repurcussions. Either way, I hope your family enjoyed the day :001_smile: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tap Posted June 22, 2009 Author Share Posted June 22, 2009 So, we left before most of the posts were made, but I had decided to do a simple hand print tracing and letting her color it, and just write her name and date on it, but no mention of the holiday. Then very, very unintentionally, quite accidentally left it on the table at the house. We had a great visit, it is really hard for us because you can see how much he really loves his little girl, and how much his family loves her. How he would make a really great dad, but just makes decisions that don't put her needs first, and lives for instant gratification. It makes us very sad for this little girl to go thru the turmoil that adoption brings emotionally, just because of his lack of direction. He just wouldn't put down the video games long enough to get a job, and actually try to get her from the state. They had nothing against him, he only had to be able to provide suitable housing and food and care (and getting federal assistance to do this, was okay). I have resentment towards him because he told me more that once, that he couldn't work more that four days a week, because he 'deserved' his weekends off and was to tired to work an extra shift (he was an entry level cell phone customer service rep). Among, other things. It is hard to respect someone with that attitude, when you are spending 24/7 taking care of their infant daughter and supporting her. As he bought the video game systems, that again he 'deserved' while I bought her food and diapers. When he lost his job, he turned down a job offer, because he wanted to take a month or so off to vacation before he went back to work. Knowing that he was on his last 3mths before the state permanently terminated his rights, and that this was his very last chance. :rant::banghead::cursing::sad::sad::sad: We weren't planning on adopting, especially since she is 8 years younger than our youngest, this was quite a life change for us, but we weren't willing to let family go to the foster system either. We always saw how much he loved her, and that he takes good care of her when he is around, he just never was willing to put her above his video games. I really feel he has a true addiction, and try to see it as such. We don't really mind her calling him daddy, if he acts like one. Today, he did that. He really engaged her and played with her constantly for 5 hours. He is considerate of her allergies and brought her a snack and an appropriate little present. He hugged, and cuddled, and she responded well to him. When he is here...he is great. It is just getting him here! Before to day, he has seen her less than 10 hours since June, 08. We want him and his family in her life, but he has to prove himself to me before I do the little wife-y things that wif-ies do for husbands and daddies on Father's day. Next year she will be able to do it her self and if she wants to, that will be her decision, not mine. The only way she will know about him is if he is around, so I guess that leaves the ball in his court! Sorry, this got long I guess it is all just really fresh after a long day of following them around playing. (I insisted on being there since she hasn't seen him in 6 mths.) If you have read this far, thanks for that. Thank you everyone for all the support and knowing that my feelings are shared by others in similar situations, and for those who challenge me to think outside of my own instincts in this case. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HSMom2One Posted June 22, 2009 Share Posted June 22, 2009 Just underscoring what others have said... ...our two adopted-at-birth-children DO have relationships with the birth families. (By our choice and mutual agreement, not legal requirement). We see them once or twice a year. Dc are 7 and 10 now. They call their birth-relatives by their first names (which sets them apart from the rest of the world, whom they address as "Mr." and "Mrs."). They call other birth-relatives by "Aunt Doris" etc. They understand who these people are, and we maintain the relationships because they are positive. (If that should change, we would back off). Sandy This is our situation exactly. Our dd is adopted, but is actually my bio granddaughter. She knows dh and I as her parents and calls us "Mommy" and "Daddy", but her birth parents are by first name. We have never given them cards or gifts on MD or FD because we are her parents. That doesn't mean that the birth parents aren't special in her life at all, we've just maintained the main role as parents. Her birth parents have accepted that and honor our decision. Blessings, Lucinda Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ottakee Posted June 22, 2009 Share Posted June 22, 2009 This is tough but as an adoptive mother/foster mother and a friend of someone in this situation, here goes. I would continue to monitor the contact he has with her but the reality is, he is the bio father and since this is a family situation, it will come up over and over again. I know it can be threatening to you as her parents but in the long run, limited, supervised contact can be very helpful for her. After all, if her bio parents are so terrible (not that you are saying that but often adopted kids get that idea) then they must be terrible as well. My friend has an adopted 18 year old daughter. They first cared for her when she was 5 days old when they were missionaries in an Eskimo village in the artic circle. Over time they had her more and more until they finally adopted her legally when she was 8. Since the village was so tiny, she had contact with the birth parents, 4 siblings, etc. on a very regular basis. In fact, just yesterday the bio mom (bio dad passed away last year) 2 sisters, 1 brother in law and 3 of the little kids flew in for her highschool graduation party. Another sister, BIL and 4 more kids are coming Thursday. It IS tough on my friend in some aspects as her daughter does call bio mom, "mom", etc. but overall, it is good for her daughter to have these relationships. The bio family could not care for her like she needed but they did care about her. This tends to make her daughter love her all the more. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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