Mid-day musings: Is raising a large family more difficult today?

[Sue G in PA]

I have 7 kids...most of you know that. And, most of you know I am having a difficult time raising them, schooling them and keeping sane. My life and my struggles have been an open book for you all to read, critique, advise, criticize (thanks for not doing too much of that :D), pray about and sometimes, laugh at. My counselor told me today that my job was the hardest job in the world, that I put way to much pressure on myself, have unrealistic expectations of how my family should operate and that society today is just different than it was decades ago when large families were "in style". What do you all think? Is she just making me feel better or is it really just more difficult today than "yesterday"? I'm not cut out for this job. My skills are not a good match for my job (homeschooling, raising Godly kids, disciplining children, etc.). I am a nurturer and so I do some things well...babies, nursing, cuddling, patching up boo-boos, etc. I am not gifted in organization, scheduling and sticking to one, keeping a neat home, cooking, etc. It's not my forte. I'm not complaining or asking for sympathy. I love my kids. And if love were enough, they would be just fine. But love is not enough. Feel free to chime in on my musings if you feel led. I do believe that children are a gift from God and that He doesn't give us more than we can handle. Why then, am I having such a hard time with this? Anyway, what do you all think?

[TeacherZee]

I think she has a point.

 

I think that today women try to do to many things and be to many things. I know that you are doing what you want to do and are happy with it so I am talking about society at large here not you specifically.

 

I think that in today's society we almost have to much time on our hands. We have to many outside influences saying that we should be all things and do all things. I think in the past when we had clearly defined roles and expectations it was a bit easier. It is easier when everyone is the same. I am not saying that I am hankering back to that time, but I do wish we could let people just be who they are. Work at what they want to work at. Do what they are good at. Have as many kids as they want. Without analysing and picking apart.

[Garga]

More difficult.

 

I don't believe that God intended for women to sit all alone in a house surrounded by children with NO HELP all day long. And no chance at getting help.

 

I believe that God intended for families--full families, like aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins--to all live together in the same house/or same complex of houses. Like a farming community, or a tribe.

 

I started believing this when I had a colicky newborn and I was totally isolated. It was beyond achingly lonely and I don't believe that was God's plan at all.

[Impish]

I think that being a parent is harder today period than in generations gone by. Why? Because today's society values parent's roles less in general and children's roles more than ever before. Too much of society seems to be child focused, and child led. For example: we had an actual court case in Canada where a child took her father to court for GROUNDING her. And she won. I kid you not. There is more government interferance in how we raise our children than ever before, ie spanking. There is a wealth of difference btwn spanking a child and beating a child. Even those that do not spank can agree to that. What used to be kindergarten is the new grade one. Kindergarten used to be learning to share, naptimes, etc. Now children in kindergarten are supposed to be reading, and thats COMING IN. Women are often told by media that we are to be holding down a career, being a perfect mother, a perfect cook, housekeeper and a tigress in the bedroom. Its completely ridiculous. Children are inundated with s*x in the media, in choices in clothing, by their peers...raising Godly children in today's world is a battle in and of itself, regardless if you are raising one child or 12.

 

Frankly, my one hope and dream is to get us onto an acreage. I'm hoping that removing my family from the city will be able to scale down on the constant media bombardment both from neighbour children, billboards, etc, and allow my children some freedom and to be children for a while longer than living in the city would seem to afford them.

[Year Round Mom]

I don't have a large family like you, just three kids, but I admire you greatly for raising your seven! :)

 

Do you feel this way often? Or is it a recent development? Do you have any opportunity to get away for a weekend of solitude, by any chance?

 

I bet you're doing a better job than you think as mother, wife, teacher, cook, housekeeper, schedule planner, doctor, psychologist, mediator...why do you think you're not? :lol:

[Impish]

More difficult.

 

I don't believe that God intended for women to sit all alone in a house surrounded by children with NO HELP all day long. And no chance at getting help.

 

I believe that God intended for families--full families, like aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins--to all live together in the same house/or same complex of houses. Like a farming community, or a tribe.

 

I started believing this when I had a colicky newborn and I was totally isolated. It was beyond achingly lonely and I don't believe that was God's plan at all.

:iagree:

Its not just families either. It used to be neighbours would be there to pitch in and help if your family wasn't around. You didn't run your child to the Drs, you asked the neighbourhood 'Grandma' or 'Aunt' for advice first. Now, most of us don't know our neighbours names.

[Renee in NC]

Some parts of it are easier, some are harder - at least from my perspective.

 

We have modern conveniences and appliances, but I think most of them make more work! For example, you do more laundry because the "norm" is to wash something every time you wear it.

 

We have a more varied diet, which gives us better overall health, but means that we actually HAVE to think about dinner every night. In the past, you ate the same thing all the time!

 

There is an expectation that children will be involved in activities, sports, lessons, etc. Of course, no one *has* to do these things, but the reality is that our society expects them for middle class children. If you don't, will your children still achieve the highest they can? Will they regret it later if they aren't able to?

 

Someone already mentioned the lack of extended family. This is one of the upsides of moving to FL for us - I will be gaining the extended family closeness.

 

Children went to school in the past, at least for part of the year. Mothers did teach their own to a certain extent, but the number of subjects was much lower and the amount of material much less. The idea was to learn less material very well.

 

The standard of living has increased to such an extent that normal life in the past would be considered neglect now. It also requires husbands to be away from their families long hours everyday - it is much less likely that children will spend more than a minimal amount of time with their children.

 

I won't romanticize the past, though! We now have things like medical care, central HVAC, multiple cars, etc. Clothes are easily and cheaply acquired. We have much greater amounts of leisure time, much greater amounts of discretionary income (even the broke among us!), and we don't have to work so hard (physically) for our food.

 

I have 7 and I feel the way you do on a regular basis. I am not the nurturing type, though, so my feelings of inadequacy extend even to that.

[mama2cntrykids]

Great thoughts! Keep them coming!

[Murphy101]

I don't know.. even? is that an opinion? not harder, not easier? just varies in different ways?

 

No I don't have help, which I absolutely would have had 100 years ago, even if I was dirt poor peasant stock. (family, neighbors, ect..)

 

But I do have a dishwasher, in house plumbing, washer, dryers, no wrinkle clothes, a grocery store.. no real need to sew, can travel easier and safer (did you ever wonder what making a 3 hours ride in a wagon while 9 months pregnant with toddler in hand was like? makes my van seem pretty luxurious!), heat at the flip of a switch in the winter, and A/C which anyone over 70 will tell you is for pansies. (well that's what all my grandparents said growing up.:tongue_smilie:)

 

So I guess I need to know more to decide if I agree or not.

 

What exactly are you being unreasonable about expecting?

 

Personally, I think it is society, "medical" and other associations, and gov't that is unreasonable. They constantly drill this long list of bull that you have to do to be a good parent, imnsho. Honestly if you read that stuff you begin to wonder how the human race has survived more than a week.

[Carol in Cal.]

Society does not value large families, or mothers, or raising children, nearly as much as it used to. That puts a lot of pressure on parents in those situations. Many people disapprove of large families and of young parents. Many disapprove of women staying home with their children. To both stand out in those area AND face a fair amount of disapproval is really, really tough.

 

Also, as others have mentioned, nuclear families are so isolated. The more I get to know people from other countries, the more I see how different a family model could be.

 

Also, there are more financial pressures now with college costs being so high and not a whole lot of opportunity for either unstructured, no-cost fun or for kids to make money.

 

There is also now a lack of moral and ethical consensus, which makes it harder for the neighborhood families to help each other with their children. Plus people tend not to be as likely to live in one place or to know their neighbors well enough to let their kids run around back and forth.

 

People have a lot more 'stuff' to manage and store. Putting things away is a lot harder when you have so much.

 

I would say that the labor saving devices are quite valuable, but have raised standards a great deal. My great-grandmother was a wonderful housekeeper, but like most people, she only baked once a week. So her family ate stale bread and stale coffee cake most of the time. To make it stay edible she added a lot of butter (she was German, too.) She had regular weekly menus that she used every week. "This is Tuesday, so we are having roast beef." Food was similar and boring most of the time, and not healthy or fresh generally, and never gourmet or 'foreign'. She fell over dead from a heart attack at age 62. Most people thought that she had lived to a ripe old age. Nowadays, my DH would no more eat 2 day old baked goods than fly, and he has never been willing to eat leftovers or anything that he just doesn't feel like that day. People are so spoiled now.

[OrganicAnn]

When my grandmother was the oldest of 8 and my grandfather was the oldest of 7, the expectation was that they would be lucky to finish high school. The boys would be farmers and would be working summer/spring/fall whenever they were needed. The girls were expected to be wives or stay home and look after their parents. The relatives lived on neighboring farms and would come to help with barn building or canning. They had no electricity (pre FDR rural electrification), so it was to bed early. No tv, radio etc, but they did get newspapers and catalogs. They had an outhouse. The laundry was done on a wash board. Clothes were worn for several days in a row. Baths were in a tub in the kitchen. You didn't want to be the last one to bath, because it was only dirty cold water was left. My GM could kill a chicken with her bare hands and clean it for dinner. They would at most get to go to 'town' once a week. Church every Sunday. Buying food from a store like bologne was a treat. Almost everything included manual labor to accomplish something. Kids were born at home. Usually there were one or two babies in every family that died of illness. This is what I've heard of their lives.

 

Just rambling, but I think our lives are more hectic and complex, but in the past their lives were simplier but physically harder. I think having more kids helps share share/lighten physical work, but it doesn't help much with the complexity of today's society. Kids could help you weed a field then, but kids can't help decide which 401K options you should pick.

[2greatkids]

:iagree:

Its not just families either. It used to be neighbours would be there to pitch in and help if your family wasn't around. You didn't run your child to the Drs, you asked the neighbourhood 'Grandma' or 'Aunt' for advice first. Now, most of us don't know our neighbours names.

 

Totally Agree!!

[Dirtroad]

I think it is harder for many reasons. One is that our kids don't work as much as they did long ago. Perhaps you can analyze the chores and meals and set aside duties for each child... even the 3 year old can fold washclothes and put a new trashbag in the can..... 5 year olds can help clean baseboards, handle the socks and underwear, and check trash cans in bedrooms/bathrooms.... on & on. Around 10 or so, they should be efficient with simple but complete meals. Share the load.

 

They were out of the house sooner too. My great-grandmother was from a family of 6 girls (& several siblings died in infancy). Almost every girl was working in the fields at 13 ro so.... and she was married by 15. Yikes! I dont' think we had as many at home as long in the old days. Plus, if they learned at home... they learned reading, writing, and strong math skills.... never latin, social studies, and art... haha. I think schooling is very different too. Plus, the schools were so different, most could go to public schools for excellent education, discipline, and values. So different from today. Atleast a mom had a bit of help there!

 

I think some of our amenities improve life in ways but harm us in others. Washing machines are a gift.... but since the days of washing in the tub or creek..... we have gone from having 2 sets fo clothes to 32. We also don't wear the clothing more than once.... even if we had it one for 30 minutes. Into the hamper ---- yikes! So, washing is easier but we have so much more. This is an area that many Moms can find some relief.

 

Another modern conveniance & blessing is air conditioning. However, it makes us lazy & we never want to be outside. My grandmother used to have 10 grandkids all summer.... she made us stay in the yard all day (we came in for lunch & a nap). The nap was for infants to teens.... b/c she needed it & we had to be quiet. haha. Today, when it is 95 degrees... I have to force everyone outside. That makes it harder on Moms b/c they are all "under your feet".

 

Activities can be a huge beast also. Long ago, you learned piano or fiddle from grandma/grandpa or at church... today, we drive miles and pay big bucks for the lessons. All this shuttling around takes huge effort and time. IF you do this, try to consolidate and learn to say NO on a few things.

 

Clean with SPEED. Idea from the flylady. Set a timer and go! You will be amazed at what can be done!

 

Just hang on! Do the best that you can - focus on school each day & then let the other stuff fall into order as best it can. Just get the whole team involved & don't try to shoulder it all yourself.

 

You are awesome! We are expecting #3.... I almost chickened out at #2, but we had planned on 4 or 5. I admire you, tremendously!

 

Best wishes. It is tougher! Sorry, I wrote too much!;)

[Sue G in PA]

I'm enjoying all the discussion. Someones asked what I was being unreasonable about so I'll give it a go: I am a perfectionist. I was brought up in a family where perfermance was valued and affection/attention/love was given for a good "performance" (academically, musically, sports, etc.). I constantly feel like I am "not enough" or not doing enough. My house isn't clean enough or organized enough, my kids aren't well-behaved enough, I don't pray enough or read the Word enough (there is some truth to that though :tongue_smilie:), I'm not educating my children well enough...the list goes on. I put a lot of pressure on myself. We have a ton of modern day conveniences, true. It makes our life "easier" but all of the outside pressures that society puts on us sort of nullify it if you KWIM. We try to be supermom and do it all. Homeschool, work, ministry, be a good friend, wife, etc. We want to do it all and do it all well. Well, I do anyway. I'm not complaining. I'm just "musing". I don't get any help...partly b/c I don't ask for it and partly b/c it simply isn't available! My folks are an hour away and older, my neighbor is great but she now works full-time, my other friends all have busy lives, etc. It's just me. Esp. when dh travels. I don't know how you "army wives" do it when dh is deployed for long periods of time. :001_huh: I'd go crazy. Anyway, keep the discussion coming. It is helpful!

[Leanna Tomlinson]

My grandmother raised 8 children, my sister and I are each raising 7. We talk about this ALL the time!

 

My grandmother did not drive. Her children walked to school and took themselves to all of their extra-curricular activities. They could also ride the bus when they got older. This was very safe and my dad and aunts and uncles had full mobility by the time they were 12. My grandmother only had to leave the house for her own purposes, not for her children's activities.

 

My grandmother called in her order to the grocer, the butcher, and the baker. They made a delivery later that day, or my grandfather picked it up on his way home.

 

My grandmother was shocked at the way we were treated when we had our babies. She had 10 days in the hospital and then was not expected to be seen in public for at least 6 weeks. Now I didn't need 10 days in the hospital, but there are such high expectations today about bouncing back after having a baby.

 

I am thankful for our modern conveniences, but many times I think our standards just change so that life does not become easier, just more complicated.

 

I often remind my other friends that have large families that we can't jump through the same hoops as smaller families. We'll drive ourselves crazy! Our kids may miss out on some things, but they also learn many valuable lessons just from living the big family life. There are always trade-offs, but my sister and I both chose to replicate the family our dad was raised in because it looked like so much fun! And most of the time it is. Like Frank Beardsley said in "Yours, Mine, and Ours"..."If you had to do it over, who would you skip?" ;)

 

Big Family Therapy: Sound of Music (forget the fact that having seven children killed the first mother), Yours Mine & Ours (with Lucille Ball), Cheaper By the Dozen (the black & white version).

[BamaTanya]

Wow. I was SO thinking about this today.

 

I don't know the answer, but I know that I have TONS more to worry about than my Grandma did. She worked HARD from the time she could stand on a stool to knead their bread (every day at their home -- she was one of 20 dc), but there were many things she did not have to deal with.

 

She went to school until 8th grade and then worked at home. She wasn't strong in academics (they were in an isolated farming community), and I remember that her letters to me were one long run-on sentence. I helped her balance her checkbook after Grandpa died. At 15, her parents told her it was time for her to move out. Yes. That's right. It hurt her terribly to have to leave home to find a job in a factory. She moved into a flat with her sister who was 17. ACK! They worked in a cotton mill where Grandma's thumb was cut off in an accident. She cooked, sewed, knitted, diapered babies with pins -- all without a right thumb.

 

I know it was a lot of work to care for her seven children, but they were much more spread out. There are 2-6 years' spacing for them. The older ones were grown and gone before the youngest came along.

 

She never drove. Never. She didn't have to take dc to appts -- the dr came to their home. (Of course, she didn't have to dc with autism spectrum disorders to take the the appts/therapies we've tried -- I'm thankful for that!) She didn't have to take dc to school (and that's where they were all day!) She didn't help them with projects or homework. She did grocery shopping on Saturday night when Grandpa drove her (leaving the dc at home -- I'm sure when the olders were an appropriate age -- or maybe with neighbors!) He paid all the bills and dealt with everything in the "outside world" for her. Her world was small. Church people, neighbors, and housework. I KNOW she worked hard.

 

I feel like I have to worry about EVERYTHING. Kids' education when I homeschooled. Projects and homework and drilling for tests when they're in school. IEP meetings. Fighting for my dc's rights. Gas in the car. Bill paying. Appts. Car maintenance. Shopping. Now work. On top of the laundry and baths and cooking.

 

I don't want to go back in time. I don't romanticize it either. But I DO wonder if having a big family is just too hard for me.

 

You sound a lot like me. I'm a bright and loving mother. I want to help me dc succeed in school (and I think schools expect a lot more involvement from parents now!) But I lack organizational skills and I fear my dc suffer . . . It seems I'd be able to keep up better if I only had one or two.

 

NOT saying I'd trade them, of course. Somehow I pray I'll get some mastery over my difficulties and pull this off before they're all grown and gone.

[Renee in NC]

I'm enjoying all the discussion. Someones asked what I was being unreasonable about so I'll give it a go: I am a perfectionist. I was brought up in a family where perfermance was valued and affection/attention/love was given for a good "performance" (academically, musically, sports, etc.). I constantly feel like I am "not enough" or not doing enough. My house isn't clean enough or organized enough, my kids aren't well-behaved enough, I don't pray enough or read the Word enough (there is some truth to that though :tongue_smilie:), I'm not educating my children well enough...the list goes on. I put a lot of pressure on myself. We have a ton of modern day conveniences, true. It makes our life "easier" but all of the outside pressures that society puts on us sort of nullify it if you KWIM. We try to be supermom and do it all. Homeschool, work, ministry, be a good friend, wife, etc. We want to do it all and do it all well. Well, I do anyway. I'm not complaining. I'm just "musing". I don't get any help...partly b/c I don't ask for it and partly b/c it simply isn't available! My folks are an hour away and older, my neighbor is great but she now works full-time, my other friends all have busy lives, etc. It's just me. Esp. when dh travels. I don't know how you "army wives" do it when dh is deployed for long periods of time. :001_huh: I'd go crazy. Anyway, keep the discussion coming. It is helpful!

 

The same for me. My dh tells me all the time how I am too hard on myself. It *is* the perfectionist in me! My dh helps so much around the house (cooking, cleaning, laundry, childcare, etc.) that I am LOST without him. These last couple of weeks have been a mess - I don't know how military wives do it either (or those who live separately for long periods of time!)

 

I think it is harder for many reasons. One is that our kids don't work as much as they did long ago. Perhaps you can analyze the chores and meals and set aside duties for each child... even the 3 year old can fold washclothes and put a new trashbag in the can..... 5 year olds can help clean baseboards, handle the socks and underwear, and check trash cans in bedrooms/bathrooms.... on & on. Around 10 or so, they should be efficient with simple but complete meals. Share the load.

 

 

Well, there is only so much housework to be done. I have seen a marked change in my dc since we left our "farm" in the country (and we don't have our business anymore.) Before, the dc had more purpose and more responsibility. Being responsible for cleaning the baseboards isn't the same as having a real purpose in your family's livelihood. Don't get me wrong - they still have chores, but life is much easier (physically) now. My 10yo cooks and does laundry and handles the yard work (mowing, trimming, blowing, etc.) My 8yo does the dishes and also does laundry. My 6yo is the official vacuumer. My 5yo can fold clothes and put them away. My 2yo is still mostly making messes though she wants to "help!"

 

As for the poster who talked about how her grandmother raised 8 - this is very true. My grandmother only had 5, but she always had household help (because she didn't have family close by.) She doesn't know how I do it either.;)

[HRAAB]

I just wanted to say that my mil raised 14 children, all born within 20 years, 1946 to 1966. My dear mil must be the most domestically challenged person I've ever met. She has never been able to get organized, life was always a chaotic mess. Often dinner was never on the table before 8PM and most of it was cold. Oh, the stories I hear. She just wasn't good at the domestic side of raising a large family. One thing she did was keep her children busy, working. Most of them started part time jobs when they were 12. They were responsible for paying a portion of the high school tuition, buy their own car, pay insurance and upkeep, save for college, keep their grades up, be honest, hard working, have integrity and faith.

 

So, in spite of being domestically challenged, her grown children are some of the most amazing people I know. All of them worked their way through college including a couple Ph.D's. They get along and enjoy each other. And most of all, they love and honor their mother.

 

I'm sure you're doing better than you think; I seriously doubt you could be as disorganized as my mil, but even so it all turned fine. Maybe you need to be a little easier on yourself. Love, discipline, work ethic and morals go a long ways.

 

Janet

[Renee in NC]

That's really good to know Janet!

 

be honest, hard working, have integrity and faith.

 

That's all I want from my dc - those are my parenting goals in a nutshell...

[swellmomma]

I only have 4 not 7 but I can relate to how you are feeling. The perfectionist in me makes me feel like I am never doing enough, add to that the worry that because the kids come from a "broken home" that I have to try ten times as hard to make sure I am doing enough to make up for the fact they do not have a father.

 

Yes we do have modern conviences that I am very grateful for, but we don't have the freedom to do our own thing to make life simplier either. For example, line drying clothes, I am not allowed to have a clothes line per my lease agreement. However 3 weeks ago my dryer broke which means I now have those mountains of laundry to dry(after all with the invention of the washer and dryer meant we owned way more clothing) to hang dry all over my house, while beating myself up for not maintaining the house work enough.

 

I think too that Back then kids were out of the house from dawn till dusk, if not working hard at chores or at school then off and playing. They were seldom under foot. In today's society that is not an option, I know between my kids extra issues, psychos, my neighbor's drug issues(lots of people coming and going now, live rounds being found in his yard etc), and a million other risks my kids simply can not be gone without supervision that long. Not to mention that the education I am trying to provide to my kids is much more complicated than the one taught back then. Rather than just focusing on the 3 R's like back then, we are adding in sciences, fine arts, foreign language, etc. That takes up a large portion of the day that would have been spent back then doing my house work, or cooking, or talking with the neighbors.

 

I think the mommy wars is what has pushed so many of us into perfectionism, guilt, burnout etc. Instead of coming together and helping each other out it becomes a battles of "my kid is better than your kid", "my house is better/cleaner than your house", "my meals are better" etc

 

Perfectionism causes all things to be way harder than necessary, and cutting yourself some slack can go a long way whether you have 1 child or 20 of them

Edited May 14, 2009 by swellmomma

[Ria]

I really don't think it's more difficult. Perhaps it is in terms of the way others view the family and the mom, but in terms of day-to-day living and issues, I really don't think it's any harder for me than it was for a mom 50 or 80 years ago.

 

Raising kids brings stresses. It did way back when, and it does now. We, as moms, have a lot to do, but so did our moms, grandmoms, and great-grandmoms. I honestly don't see my life raising six children as any more difficult than someone raising six children 80 years ago. I've got modern appliances, cars at my disposal, antibiotics (don't underestimate this one), health care, dental care, the ability to shop for just about anything without leaving home...I think the plusses of today's lifestyle are fairly significant.

 

I'm not even sure that financially anything has changed, if you compare salaries way back when and now. Maybe it has changed, but I don't think it's nearly as expensive to raise children as the media would have one believe.

 

I think that for some people dealing with raising a brood is easier than for others (and I say brood in the most loving terms, since I have one myself, lol). I know moms of six AND moms of one who are almost beside themselves, overstressed, overworked, and almost undone, and I know moms of 10 and 12 who are some of the most calm and serene women I've ever met. In short, I think it's a personality thing, not a chronological thing.

 

Ria

Edited May 14, 2009 by Ria

[Danestress]

Sue, it doesn't matter whether it was harder for someone else in the past. What matters is that this seems very hard to you, now. If you only had one child and were overwhelmed and stressed, than your days would be hard. The comparison with others isn't really helpful - for you, this is hard.

 

I have never understood the "being a Mom is the hardest job in the world" thing. Even with newborn twins, I knew I would rather do that then be on my feet processing shrimp all day (and then have kids to go home to!) I don't have seven children, though.

 

Anyway, for you, this is hard. And you have SEVEN children. I do think it's possible that you are too hard on yourself. I also think it's possible that the baby stage (which seems so so so hard to some women) is a lot easier for you that the arguing stage.

[amyable]

I'm going to guess it's harder today and here's why: When I've gone through a day of hard physical but *necessary* and *appreciated* labor, especially when those around me are working also, I go to bed feeling good about my life. I feel like that's what life was more like back then - hard, constant work, but your family and friends were all in the same boat, and your work was necessary and appreciated.

 

Today, at least in my little world, things are not as physically demanding. But they seem very mentally and spiritually demanding. And at least by society, I'm totally unappreciated...for every one "you've got a nice family" I get, I get at least 10 other strange comments, many of which are downright rude. I honestly hate going out with all my kids because people here don't keep their rude thoughts about my family size to themselves. And I only have five! And they are well behaved for the most part when we are out. :tongue_smilie: Being the perfectionist people pleaser I am, I have a very hard time with that (the rude comments, not the good behavior of my kids !:lol:) Add that fact that I "just stay at home" even though I have a masters degree, and I'm certifiable. Even our families think we are a little off our rocker to homeschool and have more than 3. That "attack" from all sides makes my life seem 10x more difficult than if I was supported in my role. If what I was doing was "normal".

 

Sorry this is disjointed, I kept getting interrupted by those crazy little people who keep calling me mom. :lol:

 

ETA: I forgot to say that I also find it difficult because I have no good examples around me. I came from a small family, the families around me are small - I don't know HOW to do this large family thing and no one is able or willing to show me. I think it would be much easier/natural if I had in fact ever *seen* it at work, LOL.

Edited May 15, 2009 by amyable

[Quiver0f10]

I think a lot of what makes it seem harder now a days is what we now consider normal and essential. Years ago there wasn't piano lessons, dance lessons, after school sports, karate etc. Now we have baby and me, toddle time, tumbling classes. Three year olds are driven back and forth to "school" . Library story hour. Craft time. I am not saying these are bad, but years ago they didn't exist.

 

In addition to all these classes and activities, mom is supposed to keep a spotless house, spotless kids, perfect meals, look like a cosmo girl and be available to her man whenever and wherever.

 

So yes, maybe grandma had it easier but I think a lot of what is so hard now a days is due to the world's expectations of what is normal.

[purplemama]

I put way to much pressure on myself, have unrealistic expectations of how my family should operate and that society today

I think we all put a lot of pressure on ourselves and sometimes need another person's perspective to see the good in a situation we find overwhelming. My dh has to constantly remind me that I'm doing a great job with my kids, even though I am often overwhelmed with my three children--so I am in awe of people who have 7 kids!

 

I'm not cut out for this job. My skills are not a good match for my job (homeschooling, raising Godly kids, disciplining children, etc.). I am a nurturer and so I do some things well...babies, nursing, cuddling, patching up boo-boos, etc. I am not gifted in organization, scheduling and sticking to one, keeping a neat home, cooking, etc. It's not my forte. I'm not complaining or asking for sympathy. I love my kids. And if love were enough, they would be just fine. But love is not enough. Feel free to chime in on my musings if you feel led. I do believe that children are a gift from God and that He doesn't give us more than we can handle. Why then, am I having such a hard time with this? Anyway, what do you all think?

 

I am the total opposite of you. Organization, cleaning, cooking, scheduling etc. are my forte, and it has been, at times, difficult for me to show love to my children in the ways you listed--cuddling and patching up boos, etc. Now I love my kids, but I was raised in a home where love was not DEMONSTRATED much and I don't have a good close relationship with my parents now, so I really work at this because I don't want my kids to feel like I don't love them. It just doesn't come naturally to me to be all touchy-feely. So, my point is, we are all different, and we all have challenges to face, and we do our best to meet them with God's help (those of us who turn to Him for help) and we trust that He will make up for where we are lacking. If your kids KNOW they are loved, that is the best thing you can give them.

 

Jennifer

[amy g.]

I really think that family support makes a huge difference. My dad is on his way here now to take my son to the dress rehearsal for his concert on Saturday. After the concert, my sister will take him to the cast party, and then bring him home Sunday. He could not participate if I had to spend 3 days downtown with all of the kids.

 

I only have 4 1/2 right now, but I do get a lot of positive comments about Dh and I being the kind of parents who NEED to have a lot of kids.

 

I think it is easier for me, because I am realistic about not being able to do it all. I set my priorities, and don't worry about the rest of it. For example, my dad asked me if I could host a fancy dinner party for his friends this Fall. I said that I would be happy to do all of the food if he paid to have the house clean. Sure, I COULD kill myself trying to be super woman, but I know I would end up being stressed, and yelling at the kids, and generally ruining everyone's fun.

 

My husband is 7th out of 8 children, and I know his mother made many concessions just to survive. I choose what is most important to me, and know that having those things will mean that I will have to let other ideals fall by the wayside. The alternative is to not do anything well.