(About to overshare my FOO, lol) One of my grandmothers considered table-settings to be an avenue of great creativity and expression. She was an excellent and creative cook, an exuberant hostess for small and enormous gatherings, an extremely capable seamstress, an avid collector and creator of unusual items, and she made as well as collected ceramics. She used to say that in 55 years of marriage she had never set the table the same way twice for my grandfather, and unbelievable though such a statement might sound... I believe it. The woman had a walk-in "pantry" where she stored at least 30 sets of dishes and a LARGE basement where she kept her centerpiece stuff. Her counsel about white plates and table linens were (because, this is precisely the sort of counsel she bequeathed to her granddaughters ) They can go directly on autumnal colors They can go directly on patterns that include white in the pattern Otherwise they need a contrasting charger between the plate and the table linen Cream is better than pure white, especially with candlelight (my grandmother's charger plate point}: (my grandmother's pattern point) OK I've revealed enough for the day.... Anyone interested in her counsel re: table seating principles can PM me, LOL.

I have a stack of 36 squared-off white ones that I got at a thrift store and use for big parties. I puffy heart LOVE them because they take up so little space in both storage, and in the soaking bin when I'm in the midst of dealing with a big party and don't have time to deal with dirty plates. And the white goes with any table linens or color scheme I want, and the square-ish shape is vaguely more stylish/ intentional than regular round. I have several sets of regular plates -- my grandmother used to make them -- which are pretty heavy ceramic, and in several different fairly-vibrant colors. I also have a set of textured black square ones that I use rarely but love.

I think I missed the original thread this one is spinning off, so forgive me if I'm starting off point. Although I was raised with the "just don't talk about politics, religion, race or Israel" trope, at this point in my life I'm no longer comfortable with it as a guiding principle undergirding "politeness." First, a whole lot of people are deeply formed by one or more of those taboo-subjects, so the trope dooms relationships from going much further than kvetching about the weather and precludes us from being authentic-- at best, the principle is mere avoidance, just papers over the fault lines and problems; does not bring any relationship (parent-child, spouse, neighbor, workplace, legislative, partisan) any closer to actually SOLVING the problems we face. But my bigger problem with it is that within any given group (family, classroom, social, workplace etc) there is a more-commonly-held perspective on [politics, religion, race, Israel] and a minority perspective... and it does not register -- it's not noticeable -- when the majority perspective is spoken ("the first question I'm asked when I meet a new person is what church do you go to?" Which is friendly, it's manners, it's 100% in good faith. But it's also talking about religion.). What's noticeable is "talk" about [politics, religion, race or Israel] that goes against the majority grain. And in the aggregate, that means "don't talk about [politics, religion, race or Israel] unless you're on the same page as the rest of Us. Whatever the Us view in a given group is. There is a real sense, I have come to understand, that "manners" sustains the status quo and particularly existing power structures. However, I also don't much believe in "calling out." At the individual level, it's almost never helpful; it only makes people defensive and more entrenched, with an additional flourish of feeling victimized by criticism perceived as unjust or mean. At the systemic level -- lawsuits and legislative initiatives and grassroots organization -- it's obviously necessary to lay out the problem and the mechanisms by which it operates, and that sometimes does entail particular episodes and people (Medicare fraud, LE qualified immunity, etc). But just "calling out" Uncle Joe for some egregious thing he said or did... is highly unlikely to change anything or anyone, least of all Uncle Joe. So over the last, say, seven years I've been thinking a lot about the distinction between "politeness" and "effectiveness." Just ordered Rosie's book. re the Just Kidding!! defense This is huge. And maybe related, somewhat, to how much social media and text culture encourages and rewards snark and one-liners. Maybe that's conditioned us poorly. (I also think it is related to issue of what is the majority view in a given room or group -- there have ALWAYS been jokes that "land" in one group but are well over the line in another audience. Until fairly recently it didn't much MATTER to the majority-view how painful mother-in-law or race-based or misogynist or antisemitic etc jokes were, in other audiences; and until phone cameras and social media transmission a great many funnynotfunny "humor" just passed.)

Actual in laws are to my mind quite different. THEN, yeah, direct communications (unless they're wackadoodle or otherwise difficult). I speak or text to my husband's sister several times a week -- probably more frequently than he does. For decades (before my father and my husband's mother both died), my parents and my husband's parents would see / visit each other without our being there (mine lived in the town where my FIL went to college, so they'd go up for various events; my in laws lived in NYC so mine would stay there when down to visit us or my brother). We had several "summits" with the parents of my now-son-in-law throughout the wedding planning process; we texted them Thanksgiving Day wishes. And the SIL himself is on the Family Group Chat. I've been texting to him directly throughout the day today working up logistics to mark my daughter's birthday.

I had mom contact numbers for the (few) high school relationships that added up. I initiated cheerfully around some small logistic matter that amounted to a ruse (hi {E's date's mom}, this Pam, E's mom- just letting you know that I'll be picking the kids up from the movies at 10:30, should have your kid back before 11, will LYK if anything comes up). Just so we had each other's contacts. No contact unless there was, in fact, some logistic reason to communicate. Not for casual college relationships. Once a relationship has gelled enough for us to include the date on family vacations and etc, I do sort of seek out / create an opportunity to meet the parents. That's only happened a handful of times thus far, and the best of the parent sets ended up being the parents of the young man my eldest recently married.

I've never peeled. Just cut it in half (or quarters if I want to go a little faster), rub some butter and olive oil on a tray, and roast it face down till it's soft, then flip it to melt some more butter into it along with whatever spices I want.

I don't know how much that door will really be used, but I think I might try to create a visual "entry" through furniture placement - maybe something like those IKEA Kallax cubes (dunno whether 3x3 or 2x2 would work better) that you could fit with baskets or drawers for storage. And then on the window-side of the divider, I like the idea of a comfy storage bench under the window, perhaps with a drop leaf table to its left (beside the Kallax) that you could set up and draw a couple small chairs to if you wanted the space for games / puzzle / homework etc, I puffy heart love drop leaf tables; they are dead useful even if sort of out of fashion.

I'm surprised how sad I am. Long life, well and fully lived, filled with service to others, loving partnership for 77 (!) years, surrounded by family right to the end, it really doesn't get any better than that. And yet still: I'm surprised how sad I am.

If you wrap a lasagna (in a pyrex with lid) in a couple thick towels and then put the whole thing in a cooler, it'll be fine. Or a brisket or lamb shanks or whatever. I transport stuff that way all the time and it really does stay warm.

I would try steaming before reconciling myself to a major drywall repair. You can rent them at Home Depot / Lowe's etc. Worth a try. In our first house, the prior owners had PAINTED OVER WALLPAPER, to which a particular circle of homeowner hell is devoted. My mother urged me to try it and we actually managed to get the hot mess off without undue damage to the walls. (I truly dread restoring my launching kids' bedrooms to anything resembling house sale-readiness. Only "tackling the basement" invokes greater dread.)

re 5 compliments : 1 cricital comment; and scheduled slot to discuss hard things > "carrying the grumpies" Every word of this, and especially the bolded bits, +100

This. Holding him and his mom and your daughter and all the rest of you in the light.

Seconding @kathyl re courage. I'm glad you sorted out (at least some of) what's going on with your grandmother; and that it wasn't what you feared. I hope the visit goes OK and you're able to feel (at least some) peace of mind.

LOL Ach, Murphy, if this horse is already good and dead to you, read no further. If the horse is still on life support... speaking as someone who -- I know from the years on these boards -- comes from a different geography / religion / worldview / etc than you... I also would have been put-off I also would have slept on it before responding I also OTOH would not have been OUTRAGED!!! or UNABLE TO DEAL with the person or otherwise inclined to any kind of Big Drama Response; and (not but) simultaneously OTO I also would have considered curbing my enthusiasm re the fellow student in some way. Because who needs a study partner who might *continue, going forward* to address me in a way that *for whatever reason, I don't think it matters* puts MY nerves on edge. (Based on the admittedly little else about this student that you've shared) I *think* I would, eventually, having slept on it (in my world, manners does not dictate that we all are available all the time, always obliged to respond to every text and email within minutes) have gotten back to her and included her as a study partner. (In my world, just ghosting is rude.) However: as part of that relationship, even though it's a thin one, I *would* ask her to please not call me "sweetie" any more. (And maybe that request might send HER off to HER interweb sounding board musing about who is this tetchy woman in my class who's ASSUMING THE WORST OF ME when I DON'T EVEN MEAN ANYTHING NEGATIVE and blah blah blah. And maybe after she gets feedback she might feel ever more validated and outraged. Or maybe SHE might ghost YOU going forward. Or maybe if her counsel is as good as it generally is here she'd get to, eh, I'll just dial it back with that wacky oversensitive Murphy. Or: Maybe she might shrug and say: Oh. Ok. Sure. And do her good faith best to remember, going forward. You don't know until you try. )

re "it feels rude to ask folks not to use language that lands in their ears differently than it lands in mine" Mmmmm. Try running that thought experiment with someone calling a grown man "boy." To your ear, would it be "rude" to ask, without drama but also without any further commentary or justification, To my mind: to make that request would be neither rude nor disrespectful. And I don't see any meaningful difference with "sweetie." People deserve to be called what they want to be called; and also to not-be-called things that (for.whatever.reason) grate on them. It doesn't have to be a huge honking deal. But I don't see any good reason (I am able to summon up some lousy ones) why "manners" and deference ought always, structurally, support the status quo. Even within a thin relationship like a study partner, it's reasonable to make the (politely framed) ask... and see what happens.

I have a visceral and negative response to any and all of the "sweetie / honey / sugar / bless your heart" range of language from people I don't know well. -- to my northern- and feminist-tuned ear, they all land as cloying and weak-boundary at best, and patronizing at worst. Nobody who knows me well would use any such language unless they were, in fact, trying to goad me. BUT. Such things are culturally diverse; and we live in a diverse world; in which we do not know each other well. So. Anyone over 80 has a permanent pass; anyone who actually hails from the South has a conditional pass until I get to know them better; and everyone else gets a 1-3 time occurrence pass. If we actually develop even a thin relationship (like a study partner) beyond 1-3 occurrences I would ask -- without any more information * -- that they please not call me "sweetie" going forward. ( * And how someone reacts to such a simple request -- defensive, simple acceptance, demanding a long form explanation with counter argument and debate, ghosting, etc -- reveals much. Reveals all that one needs to evaluate how much deeper a relationship is likely.)

(( I'm so sorry. )) I don't know from phones, but I can imagine a number of reasons why even landline calls might go straight to voicemail -- the handheld battery is dead, the power is out, the phone is purposely or unintentionally unplugged., the phone is broken but she doesn't know it yet.. I know it's so hard when everything is so jagged, but try not to leap to a conclusion about your grandmother that's primed by your difficulties with someone else. (( hugs ))

How I wish I could still do MacBooks. I basically lost interest when Apple shut it down, sigh.

Ah, see, once one spends a certain amount of time accompanying a certain boat-loving husband over a certain number of decades through a certain number of fish-laden shallows, its relationship to "buoys" finally registers, lol. It did, however, take decades.

Third vote for "any jewel tone is fine." I wouldn't do a very dark/ tending toward navy blue, nor a charcoal/ tending toward off-black; but cobalt, yes. My winter wedding problem tends to be if there is dancing, will my winter dress be too hot. So (unless it's observant and I have to wear one of my (jewel tone) 3/4 sleeve frums) I usually do a sleeveless sheath with a jacket or shrug that I can remove for the dancing.

Well DONE! And I love the title. "Buoyant," we don't get enough of that word. Congratulations!

3 cups of full strength coffee over the course of most mornings. Just black, no cream or sweetener. I cut off caffeine at 11a, but like pp I really like the *emotion* of hot beverages, so I drink mint or ginger or various other herb teas, or hot water with lemon, or in a pinch just plain hot water, into the afternoon and evening, particularly in the colder short-daylight months. For me the physical feeling of my hand curled around a steaming mug is deeply soothing and relaxing, it doesn't much matter what's in the mug.

what.... what do y'all call.... the.... the.... (words fail).... spouts from whence the kitchen water springs?

Naw, those are definitely sandwiches. Just look at them!

Ah yes, peach pie, also excellent. (Peaches, generally, are hit or miss here; they arrive underripe and overrefrigerated and rarely ripen properly. My kids literally grew up holding them up suspiciously muttering dare I eat this peach? because they are so often disappointing. They are a true treat when we journey southbound.)