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Everything posted by SanDiegoMom

  1. I have two anecdotes to add: We bought a house 5 years ago and it came with a french door fridge. The fridge was 4 years old. When it hit five years old the compressor went and the repairs were not worth it so we bought a new one. Fast forward to last year when we moved and bought a house that came with a much more expensive 5 year old french door fridge. (LG, linear compressor, super fancy looking) Within three weeks it broke. When we replaced the first fridge I did a lot of research and it seemed like french door fridges had the most reliability issues. Regular freezer on top had the least and side by sides were in the middle. Because having a water and ice dispenser is so important to us, we replaced both with side by sides. The space is lacking definitely, but we just want it to last longer than five years. In our last house we had a stove that was a double oven, but the top one was small with just one rack. It was awesome. It preheated in like 3 minutes, and I used it so much more than the bottom oven. I loved it!
  2. I think girls take longer to potty train than boys too -- our female labradoodle is super smart (smarter than our boy Bernedoodle) but he just seems to have a stronger bladder. He slept through the night from the first night - 6 or 7 hours, while she had to go potty about every 3 hours!
  3. We have not one, but two puppies in the house! We got Josie, the red Labradoodle, for my daughter's college graduation, and our beloved Golden passed away this year unexpectedly so we got Leo, the black Bernedoodle. They are 4 months and 9 weeks respectively. They are the best of friends. Josie will get to about 30 pounds and Leo to about 45.
  4. Being an ally (depending on how close you are to the person) is also not just accepting everything they say without question. My friends and family challenge me and make me think. Why should this be any different? My oldest daughter (21) recently said "I think I am demisexual". I said no sh*t, Sherlock, you spent your life reading and debating and adore anything academic, of course you feel you need to have someone be intelligent to be attracted to them. She laughed and that was it. I would of course not do that with someone who wasn't in my family.
  5. I have a distinct memory of tracking a girl's outfits in middle school -- she had a schedule for when she wore her clothes. Her favorite outfit was denim jeans, a white top and a denim jean jacket that matched the jeans perfectly. It was her Wednesday outfit. She was very popular and one of the "rich" girls at school, so this was the one thing that made her stand out in a negative light! My daughter, homeschooled until ninth and then virtual schooled until March, refused to listen to my requests to wear different outfits. She would come down in the same pants sometimes three days in a row. Ugh. Her sister brought her shopping and got some "in style" clothes", but they weren't as comfortable as the baggy sweatpants and librarian looking sweater she loved. I figured we would just try more this coming year -- she did have PE last year with no changing allowed, so she had a point in wanting to be comfortable!
  6. An important survey that just came out a couple of months ago addressed recent detransitioners. It was a survey of 237 males and females, around half had started socially transitioning before 18 and 25 percent medically transitioning. The goal was to assess the medical care surrounding their transition and detransition health care. Important to note was the reasons given for detransitioning -- a big component of activists' platform is that people detransition because of transphobia in those around them. According to the survey 70 percent detransitioned when they realized their dysphoria was related to other issues, 62 percent cited health concerns, and on down until only 13 percent said it was lack of support and 10 percent due to discrimination. 45 percent found alternatives to deal with their dysphoria, 34 percent found that it had resolved over time, 30 percent had their co-morbid health issues resolve. https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/00918369.2021.1919479
  7. There is a series of 7 essays by Angus Fox written on Quillete about specifically Rogd boys that is pretty insightful. A lot of moms he talked to had experiences with rushed affirmation and offers of hormones. https://quillette.com/author/angus-fox/
  8. I tried the same -- three kids, two girls and a boy. I always had every type of toy -- doll houses, Thomas the trains, legos, dinosaurs, airplanes, lots of dolls and stuffed animals. My two daughters, even though they are VERY different (oldest is very strong, independent, aggressively confident at times, while younger daughter is quiet, gentle, and dances ballet) they both acted very motherly towards all their toys. My oldest loved the trains, but they were always made to talk to each other and never actually used the tracks. She loved her doll stroller. There was one funny time when the younger kids were 2 1/2 and they were both playing with the twin baby dolls. My daughter gently rocked the baby until she "woke up" fed it, changed it. My son grabbed the baby doll and started pounding it on the changing table, yelling "wake up baby! Time to wake up!" and then threw it on the floor. And that was the last time he played with it.
  9. Here is the study linked which quotes the 35 percent: https://adc.bmj.com/content/103/7/631.full?ijkey=HsMwyZDRtsKu83z&keytype=ref And here is a paper which quotes up to 48 percent: https://www.icf-consultations.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/07/Taking-the-lid-off-the-box.pdf They use the "Social Responsiveness Scale (SRS): a 65-item quantitative measure of autistic features in 4- to 18-year-olds across a range of severity. It is filled in by parents/carers as part of the psychosocial assessment. It is a validated measure and has been deemed appropriate for use in clinical settings and scores in the severe range are strongly associated with a clinical diagnosis of an ASC (e.g. Constantino et al., 2003). SRS results are provided here for those young people who did not have an ASC diagnosis." This paper says 48 percent scored mild to severe, and the first one was 35 percent as moderate to severe. If you look up Keira Bell Vs Tavistock, this was case where a detransitioner sued the clinic and won for their lack of safeguarding and rushing towards hormonal intervention too quickly. There was an additional claimant: Mrs A, who was the mother of an autistic child who similarly raised concerns and was not heeded. The clinic has had massive turnover prior to this case due to the feeling within the clinic that the affirmative approach was too fast and not catching the other confounding issues that teens were presenting with, the biggest one autism. 35 clinicians resigned over the past couple of years. I think the US will be seeing similar lawsuits coming.
  10. There are multiple studies of varying sizes that show the desistance rates to be between 65 and 90 percent, with I think the majority saying around 80. Here is one: https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fpsyt.2021.632784/full Here is a blog post by James Cantor, who has compiled the rates from different studies: http://www.sexologytoday.org/2016/01/do-trans-kids-stay-trans-when-they-grow_99.html And a fuller amount of info at genderhq.org: https://www.genderhq.org/trans-children-gender-dysphoria-desistance-gay
  11. Yes, I know she mentions it at the beginning of the podcast episode, though it's not mentioned on her website. She is in Ireland though, and I am pretty sure everything she runs is full right now. The group is for both parents and siblings.
  12. @Mrs Tiggywinkle If you have some time, I would recommend a podcast that I mentioned on the other thread, called Gender: A Wider Lens. Stella O'Malley is a co host and she talks about her experience growing up with severe gender dysphoria. She was convinced she was a boy, played only with the boys, dressed like the boys... and when puberty hit it sent her to a dark place where she confronted the truth that she wasn't. She talks about the struggle. But because transgenderism wasn't as well known, she just went through the crucible and came out accepting her gender. And she is very thankful. But she says it was very deepset from 3-10 and took a long time to really resolve. There are others that it doesn't resolve and transition does happen later on. BUT there are studies that social transition does tend to influence a child's conception of themselves, and it makes it much harder to resolve their idea of their gender. And many kids with gender dysphoria at a young age go on to be merely gay or lesbian. Is this your child with autism? It is interesting, I have a friend who's son as a teenager (diagnosed Asperger's) was convinced he was a rock star. Like, not becoming one, not just liked to play in bands, but literally was a famous rock star. His dad was really befuddled and tried to really talk to him about it, convince him he wasn't. Eventually he gave up and ignored it. And after a few years it just .... went away. Maybe not quite the same thing, but it feels a little similar.
  13. @freesia Yes, this is a big concern. At the Tavistock clinic in England - the gender clinic for the NHS - they estimated at least 35 percent of the referrals had either autism or autistic traits. These kids are already gender non conforming, which is absolutely fine. It's the medicalization of this that is the problem. For us, our kid was telling their therapist that the anxiety was due to gender dyphoria. As time went on they were feeling a LOT happier, but still had anxiety. I tracked when the anxiety would occur and talked about it with the therapist. It was usually when routines were changed, when transitions happened, when there was something NEW that they didn't know what to expect, when they were ALONE (in person school improved everything tremendously) or when there were big academic expectations. But this kid was meeting people, making friends at school and at TKD, and there was no anxiety during those times. It just didn't track in my mind that gender was the root of the anxiety, when all the the things seemed like autistic - centered anxiety. The therapist agreed -- thankfully she is a generalist and is treating the whole person. She is working on expanding the toolbox for dealing with anxiety and teaching how to connect with the body, rather than feel disassociated from it.
  14. PLEASE DON'T QUOTE: I think that I should have prefaced it with the importance of knowing the person and the situation, as all situations are very different. I am so glad that things are turning around for your ds. For us and our personal experience, while I had a doctor and psychologist pushing us to do the same, I felt like other methods would work. But it is a very different child and I am sure a very different presentation. That is why I am against affirmative care. It is a very wide net that is catching too many kids that were never dysphoric until puberty, and that have a lot of co-occuring conditions contributing to their depression. What worked for us was a huge release of expectations in other areas, LOTS of family time, more radical acceptance, more exercise, more sleep, less screen time, and an autism diagnosis. I'm not saying things are 100 percent better. But there was so much more going on (including a huge move away from friends and of course COVID) and so this kid went to the internet and found answers that led to thinking the feeling of uncomfortableness in their body, constant anxiety, and feelings of being different than everyone else must mean they are trans.... I am just saying the net shouldn't have caught this kid, at least not until exploring other issues.
  15. In my personal view (not affected by religion, as I am agnostic) I will always call any adult by their preferred pronouns as a matter of courtesy. For teens and children, I will not. The teen years, according to Erik Erikson, encompass the psychosocial developmental stage of identity vs confusion. This is when they are trying to figure out who they are, their ideas of themselves are still changing, and this time is strongly influenced by peer groups. After age 20 or so, there is a shift away from looking to peers for guidance, and a better understanding of one's internal self. So I do not believe it is a kindness to add to the confusion, and I do believe that using the right pronouns is a panacea that will not actually fix the true issues. Love, compassion, support, treating the person as someone worthy and able to do worthy things with their life apart from gender imo is the best place to start. Pronouns can come later.
  16. There aren't a ton of good long term studies of suicidal risks, but here are a couple: https://journals.plos.org/plosone/article?id=10.1371/journal.pone.0016885 Long term (30 years) study of 324 Swedish patients who had Sexual Reassignment Surgery. Results showed "Persons with transsexualism, after sex reassignment, have considerably higher risks for mortality, suicidal behaviour, and psychiatric morbidity than the general population. Our findings suggest that sex reassignment, although alleviating gender dysphoria, may not suffice as treatment for transsexualism, and should inspire improved psychiatric and somatic care after sex reassignment for this patient group." A study from Amsterdam https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7317390/ of a cohort of 8263 referrals between 1972-2017 showed "no increase in suicide death risk over time and even a decrease in suicide death risk in trans women. However, the suicide risk in transgender people is higher than in the general population and seems to occur during every stage of transitioning."
  17. You're right that it did veer off and for that I am sorry for contributing to this Quill. The notion that the thoughts offered here, though, are verging into conversion therapy is pretty offensive, tbh. I'm pretty sure conversion therapy is harmful because it is aimed at LGB is specifically about forcing one to change their sexual orientation. Applying that to gender dysphoria trivializes the many contributing factors that are involved and the huge medical burden it entails. NOT the same thing.
  18. There are statistics that show that 80 percent of kids experiencing gender dysphoria, even at a young age, will desist at some point. The podcast i mentioned earlier is cohosted by a woman Stella O'Malley who was CONVINCED she was a boy from the ages of 3-10. Surgery wasn't as common when she was younger, and after lots of hard work during and after puberty she became okay with her gender. She is now a happy mom of two and is so grateful there was no early medical intervention.
  19. @KSera Although she is booked up for over a year, Sasha Ayad has a wonderful podcast called Gender: A Wider Lens. She and a fellow therapist (Stella O'malley) spend a few episodes talking about what gender exploration therapy looks like, and they give a lot of advice to parents who are in the journey. They are extremely compassionate and their focus these last five years or so of their practices have been teens in gender distress. There are parents support groups too that supposedly have lists of non affirmation therapists, though they are few and far between and usually booked up as well. They give suggestions for what to do if you can't get a therapist, or suggest to at least find a generalist who will help develop the teen as a whole person, rather than focusing on gender as the root of the issue. It's not a substitute but it's at least a start.
  20. Scott Newgent, a 42 year old transman and founder of TRE Voices against the medicalization of minors, has a video on how to tell your teenagers, lovingly, why you will not call them by their preferred pronouns. He is very against it because of basic developmental psychology of children and teens.
  21. Coming late to this thread -- this was the first "real" year for my son to take AP's (he took Computer Science Principles in 7th for the experience). He took Calc BC and AP Chem -- self studying the Chem from taking Connie's Honors Chem last year, and he took AOPS Calc class this year. He had to do a lot of prep for both, as the Calc class (as all AOPS classes do) went deep but without a lot of review, and of course it had been a full year since he took Connie's class. So six weeks before he started studying and took around five practice tests each. He took the May 24 and 25 exams and felt pretty good about them. He used Princeton Review books for both classes and felt like he was adequately prepared. So we are crossing our fingers! When we talked about which form to take it in, he decided to do paper because of the whole not being able to go back. He was glad in the middle of test prepping after he tried to do online test practice and really struggled. So paper worked best for him!
  22. If the Adderall isn't working I would think one of two things -- either Adderall just doesn't work for him, OR the depression/anxiety isn't lowered enough. My daughter is also on 10 mg of Lexapro and it has helped a lot. It takes about a month or so to kick in. She hated Adderall -- she only took it once and it first made her fall asleep and then when she woke up she was horribly anxious and paranoid. One time was enough for her. She did Ritalin for a year, but it's still not good to her -- she gets kickback anxiety when it wears off. The Vyvanse is the best. She knows when it kicks in and she can task activate. However being really behind and feeling like you can't catch up can't just be overcome by meds. She's always managed through personality as well -- she will contact professors, ask for extensions, make decisions on which papers she can do the least on, what can be studied the least before an exam, etc. But she also LOVES academics, so she always manages to pull it off even when she's living so close to the edge. If she didn't love academics, I really don't know what would happen, honestly. She really HAS to be interested in what she's doing to be able to do it. It's literally an on off switch with her. She taught herself a ton using the How to ADHD videos and reading books. She uses a bullet journal to track daily routines, assignments, and her moods and thoughts for the day so she can look back and see when she is most depressed or anxious. She creates a lot of routines so she doesn't get lost in a time warp -- morning routines that include yoga and exercise, sometimes meal prepping on the weekends. The exercise is hugely important to mood and EF -- alternately running with yoga and throwing in meditation all seem to help. But it all still feels to her like she has to do a TON, and if she misses a step it might throw her off completely. And she never does get it perfect of course, she she has had to learn to forgive herself when she does make mistakes. And none of the routines really work without the right meds. So that might be where the issue is right now. Problems always will crop up too -- she's had a diagnosis for almost four years but it is still very much a work in progress. Things like putting electronics out of her room at night and using her apple watch to listen to podcasts to sleep -- that step took a lot of experimentation to find what worked. Books don't work -- she will literally finish the book. She has deleted tumblr and reddit off her phone -- she can start making a post and then find herself still sitting in the bathroom with the shower running an hour later finishing writing a post. Eek. For academics, changing the place she does homework frequently, working around other people that are studying, putting readings into some type of app that will read it aloud as an audiobook has helped -- she's tried a lot of different things. She's also had to drop classes, take some pass fail, and just took an incomplete last quarter. So it will never be "fixed", even though it is better! If it is an EF coach that doesn't know adhd, I would think it wouldn't be helpful. She has to use a lot of different work arounds that are specific to adhd. The times she sought out just Neurotypical type help with EF just made her feel worse.
  23. I agree with previous posters. I have had two goldens, one that passed away when it was 8, and our last one -- our best dog ever -- just passed away at 10. The first died at home in my arms and not only was it traumatic, it was also logistically difficult to have an 85 pound dead dog with husband deployed and 3 young kids. This last time he was feeling badly, had stopped eating, I took him in and they said he had only hours to live. They put him down in the office after we said our goodbyes. It was still hard to say goodbye, but much easier than if he had been at home. It really does sound like it might be time. So sorry Dawn.
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