Agreeing. Actually, people who say, "Relax" make me want to punch their lights out! And honestly, I am a pretty calm person normally.

Without reading other responses, I will out myself as someone who had an incident similar to what happened to this mom. I was in a small local children's bookstore many years ago with my 3 year old. I was looking for a book and left my son out of my sight around the corner of the store sitting on the floor looking at books. It's a very small place, much smaller even than a McDonalds. When I went to retrieve him, 5 minutes later maybe? he was GONE. I thought I was watching the wall around which he was sitting, but clearly, I missed something. He had gotten out the door (which, similar to this case, would have required an adult to open it and allow him through), crossed the street, and was standing in the parking garage looking around!!!! I have never been so panicked in my life. So many things might have happened. Then again, I do not think of myself as neglectful, and all of my three kids had a tendency to run away in public places. Here in our culture, parents are often overwhelmed IMO and can let down their guard, given the isolation most at home parents experience. Cut her some slack. If someone had found my son, I hope they would have cut me some.

Thank you so much for all of the thoughtful and detailed responses. I'll answer questions all at once. Autism is not the only diagnosis that will qualify him for the program that IMO he would benefit most from, which focuses on young adults who are planning college or proceeding into the work force. the training is tailored to their self-chosen goals. My dh strongly believes that more diagnosis will be pricey and not probably get us much new info, and I am beginning to come around to that view, IF we can get him the help without having that info. I wonder if our insurance will help to pay for anything if he has the Asperger's diagnosis. The testing did not get into the cause of his slow processing. When his father asked him why the one-digit addition took him so long he said that he stopped to check each one twice to make sure the answer was right. This was when he was 17 1\2 and had been instructed that how fast he worked did matter in that test. kbutton, the article you linked is very helpful! Amazing how many inaccurate labels can land on someone who is struggling, seeking answers, and spends 30 minutes (or less!) with a professional who then draws a big conclusion that is only based on a part of the picture. His GADS scores were based on questionnaires his father and I completed. Under 69 is not probable, according to the key and my score was 42, his was 53. She also did the Social Responsiveness Scale and his total scores were 51 and 49, scores 60 and above abnormal. We also did a Behavioral Assessment System for Children and one of his teachers filled it out too. The teacher's assessment was worse than ours, many scores in the abnormal range, including hyperactivity, conduct problems, anxiety, depression, attention problems, atypicality (that was highest-81), withdrawal, and study skills. The parent scores for that scale that were abnormal were depression, atypicality, withdrawal, social skills, and leadership. All of this fits perfectly with what I see day to day. Yes, I am seeing that we will need to really get down to the nuts and bolts if we are going to teach\coach him here at home. There is an extremely expensive year long residential program that sounds good, on paper, but if we do it, we'd probably want to start in the fall, so that gives us several months to work on stuff here. How exactly do I introduce this kind of topic? I strongly suspect he will not be very receptive at first, because he is just generally inflexible about pretty much everything. Do I just tell him I think he has Aspergers? The social thinking site looks very helpful OhElizabeth!! Thank you! I totally agree that he will probably accept guidance from someone else more easily than he will from me. I will start looking for someone.

The testing revealed large discrepancies (99th percentile down to 5th percentile), which apparently often occurs in people with ADD. The neuropsychologist and his psychiatrist insist he has ADD, based on major difficulty with executive functioning. Meds failed immediately based on side effects, and I have not pursued further because I honestly don't think he is *inattentive*-he just can't function, if that makes any sense. Testing also showed very slow processing-and he IS very, very slow. I think he would work on some issues with me...can you recommend how to do this? I give him prompts and reminders, which he often, but not always, follows, but it doesn't seem like he absorbs and incorporates habits I am trying to engender. Is there any book or program or anything at all to coach ME on coaching him? And particularly, any guidance on "removing the scaffolding"?

I have an 18 yo, nearly 19, who is a high school graduate. He is working at a job right now with a tentative plan to start college locally, commuting, in the spring. He is the middle of three boys. He has had mental health issues since the onset of puberty, including major depression, and his therapist right now has mentioned a concern that he may be developing psychosis, based on ds's expression of a bizarre idea, social difficulties, and academic struggling\failure, serious executive functioning problems etc. But his earlier childhood had a few blips too. Tantrums, shutting down sometimes when he felt overwhelmed, brittle temper, extreme food avoidance issues (these continue to the present). IOW if he is psychotic, it started when he was a baby. Since this child has seemed to have some challenges since early childhood, I am wondering if he actually has (very) high functioning autism. What makes me think this: inflexibility, the above-noted issues, just a few incidences of out of control tantrums during his childhood (only maybe a dozen times, but each one was huge and lasted many hours). He has a tendency to "shut down" when he feels overwhelmed. At 16, when his grandfather died, he put up a folding tent he played with when he was little and laid down in it. Probably for 30-60 minutes. Do you see what I mean? Not exactly obviously PDD, but...odd. Who would help us to figure this out for a kid who is almost 19? I'm waiting for a call back from the pediatrician. He already has a general psychiatrist who has treated his depression, a weekly general therapist, who has been wonderful and very helpful, and he had a battery of neuro-psych testing about 18 months ago. At my specific request, she added one test, the GADS, and concluded based on it that ds is not autistic. Editing to include why we would even seek a diagnosis: ds is very bright based on just knowing him and his testing results, but despite that, he did poorly in high school and even failed some classes. Major social difficulties that contributed to his developing major depression. Depression improving now but he still has minimal social contact. I am researching programs to help struggling young adults and am realizing that many of them require a diagnosis. Since he hasn't flopped in college yet, we will probably proceed with starting in the spring, IF he wants to (this is not yet clear), but I am honestly not able to picture him succeeding in college. Planning ahead. I suspect he will end up in one of these programs.

ADD. It sounds like almost everything he has is fairly typical: the impulsiveness, being accident-prone, "time blindness" and inability to plan ahead, insomnia. It all pretty much fits. Adults can benefit from treatment for ADD if they are really having problems functioning, which it sounds like he is. And if he is well-intentioned, that makes it much easier. I hope they are able to find help for him.

My mom had a hysterectomy when she was 53 and still having monthly periods. Great. I also know that her grandmother had a baby when she was rather advanced in age-45 or 46 I think. So I come from women who hold onto their fertility and their menstrual cycles very long. Great. Also, just a PSA: Post-menopausal bleeding (which can be a symptom of cancer or other medical issue) is not the same thing as a regular period. Anyone who is still bleeding regularly (or irregularly for that matter) after their mid-50's should definitely be checked out by a gynecologist.

My ds, math major at a private university, has always had all problem sets in math and physics written and graded on paper. In his intro classes, I think a TA graded some or all of the homework and there was weekly recitation for questions and help.

I am very sympathetic; I have been there. I coped by having him take more classes taught by other people. My ADD\oppositional child wasn't an arguer, he just did what he wanted with zero regard for house rules, other people' feelings, etc. Farming out as much as possible helped me cope and gave me time for my other kids. I am SO glad those days are well behind me. Your son may "get it:. Mine is a senior in college and though he hasn't given much thought to what's next, I am disengaged enough to feel almost "zen" about it! Your future, not my problem! Can I just add that you may someday be rewarded with a younger child who is a joy when it comes to these things? My youngest just started high school and I cannot even describe the difference. He is engaged, he cares about other students, his teachers, he in involved in the life of the school and wants to be there when he isn't. He actually redid an assignment, without being asked, because he wanted it to be better! OMG!!! So...this may be your future. And it most definitely is not your fault that your son is the way he is. You did your best, I believe that. (((hugs)))

Don't listen to Creekland : ) Does he actually have a diagnosis of hypertension? Does he take medication for it? Has he missed doses? Any decongestants today? He should call his doc's office this AM and tell them. Monitor BP a couple of times today. Avoid excess salt today. His doc may simply recommend monitoring for a few days. If it doesn't recur, no need for a sooner appointment. But he should either be seen today, or soon if it recurs. Or if he has any associated symptoms.

Ditto-my ds is also a senior at UR and he is the type of student who would forego all courses except math, physics and comp sci if it were allowed. With a heavy dose of math. He has been allowed so much freedom to choose his courses. Some professors allowed him to take courses without fulfilling the pre-reqs (I'm not so sure this is a great idea but it was OK for him) after just talking with him about what he needed to know. He made sure he knew it and was fine. So the school is very, very supportive of kids who want to go in-depth; he has also taken a bunch of graduate courses. I don't know if this is typical at universities like UR, but they have been remarkably flexible and at no extra charge : ) Also they have a "take five" program for students that is competitive-the student is allowed an fifth undergrad year, at no additional cost, to study a discipline that is different from their major concentration. Creekland's brilliant son is a take five scholar-not my slacker child. But further evidence of the school's encouragement of in-depth study. Also wanted to add-OP, if your son decides to pursue a math\science\tech degree, I can't think of a better place than Harvey Mudd. It's a tiny liberal arts style school that only offers degrees in the sciences. Students can register for courses at one of the other 4 schools in the consortium. It seems like the ultimate destination for smart kids in the sciences. HM's graduates also do extremely well in graduate schools like Cal Tech and MIT.

I am re-posting now that my youngest has been at a public charter for a few weeks. He's in ninth grade and it's his first PS experience. First, I will say it's a Bard Early College high school (google for more info), and he chose it over some other schools, including private schools, because he thought it would be most similar to what he had already been doing. I am just SO impressed with this school, and ds loves it. He IS my "bloom where planted" child so he might be just the same anywhere. What is apparent is that the classical education he had, such as it is, at home, was very good preparation for Bard. The classes are taught by PhDs and so far, he doesn't even have any textbooks, though his Chinese teacher does employ workbooks in class that the students use for writing and translating practice. And he has brought home a few worksheets; they've been history maps and packets of math drill\very short problems. There is a physics text, Hewitt's Conceptual Physics (a personal fave of mine), but they only use it in class. The biggest reason ds is so well-prepared IMO is just that he knows how to think through a question, he is not afraid to speak in class, and is thoughtful and can write decently. The school treats the students like adults. There are no petty rules like dress codes, bathroom passes, or detention for unfinished home work or anything or that matter. One sad result of that is that there are a couple of students that have been significant behavior problems, but in general the kids have all risen impressively to the occasion. Not surprisingly, at least 3 of the students are former home schoolers. There may be others that I do not know about. And all are thriving, which makes me very happy. So to revisit your first question, Susan, I will say that customizing the classroom situation for my son is pretty limited in his situation, because he is high school age and has no particular special needs. At least, nothing that we've needed to address yet, though that may change. Because he missed part of the summer bridge week, he did not take the math placement test, and I was disappointed that no one at the school had this on their radar. If I had not asked about math placement and advocated for him, he would have simply been placed in algebra with most of the other ninth graders. A second trip through algebra wouldn't have done him serious harm, but I kind of hated to waste that entire year we spent on it, and he aced the placement test for geometry. So I did learn a lesson to pay attention; it has not been needed again yet. As far as the ripple effect, I have no doubt that the fact that parents now have home education as a choice has an impact on schools in my area. I think the private prep schools are probably affected more than the public schools, because they are catering to families that care a lot about education and those are also, logically, the ones more inclined to home school. Some of them went out of their way to validate our choice, and I assume that means they are hoping to build a reputation of friendliness to former home schoolers. 4 years ago one of the private schools advertised as offering classes to home schoolers in language and the sciences; they proposed both after school, separate classes and allowing home schooled students to attend their regular classes during school hours. It never happened; the few classes they actually offered were cancelled at the last minute for low enrollment. The price they were charging was honestly exhorbitant and I doubt the current parents whose children attend the school would have been receptive if it had been any lower. And why would a home school parent pay a fortune for high school bio when they can enroll their kid in CC for a fraction of that cost, plus get a more advanced course in the process? It was an interesting little revelation for me-it made me think the schools charging $25K per year for first grade are struggling more and more to find people to pay for it.

Without knowing every detail of the situation, I will say that our experience has been that public schools around here seem to do better than private with "outside the box" kids-the very gifted, those with special needs. That's not to say I think they do an excellent job, because they are inconsistent here. However, my child was more miserable in private school (he was 11) than public, and a big part of the reason for that had to do with their insistence on forcing his square peg self into their little round hole. It's only one data point but IMO a special needs child, particularly a gifted one, will really find PS to be a friendlier and more accommodating environment. That comes with a BIG YMMV though!

I think it's brave of you to even suggest such things. Let's hope your cats can't read very well.

Same here. I blamed it on night shift work, but honestly, I think that aging is at least as big a contributor. What has helped some: exercise and you note, magnesium, keeping my eyes closed! Weird, but it helps me go back to sleep because I think light is a big contributor to my wakefulness.

Unfortunately my kitties must sometimes cope with inferior servants when I'm not here. They have the basic idea but really, what ARE they thinking in waiting an extra 30 minutes in providing supper? Their facial expressions betray their disdain for us pathetic human creatures.

I know MANY women who did not take their husband's last name-and I suspect we are close in age. A very large minority of married women in my acquaintance-some with more education than others. Many of those have hyphenated names or invented shared family names. In some cases the kids took the mom's last name instead of the dad's. I think it depends on the circle of people that you know. I live in a progressive east coast city and work for a university. You are on a Colorado ranch. I think hyphenating names is a mistake-logistically it is not sustainable in the very next generation. My kids all have dh's name and it's fine. It's a beautiful name. Oddly enough, they have never asked me about why we don't have the same last name (when they were small) or why I didn't change it (when they were older). I don't want to perpetuate a small part of a cultural tradition that grew up because women were (first) owned property, then (later) completely without any right of self-determination. Of course we don't have that system any more, but the cynic in me thinks that it's not as far away from me in time as I would like to think. It's my own choice though and I have no issue with how other married women choose to call themselves. Just explaining my own reasoning here.

I did. He is a senior there now and has loved it. It was a great fit for him and I knew it but he didn't want to apply there and had a whole list of unrealistic "reaches" that I thought he might not get in to...and my suspicions were confirmed. So, it depends.

http://abcnews.go.com/US/wireStory/harvards-prestigious-debate-team-loses-ny-inmates-34297247 It really makes me wonder a bit about the role of motivation in education. Surely those inmates have more to gain from academic attainment than any college student.

Yes, if someone is hell bent. But there is scientific evidence that many suicides in fact are impulsive acts that might not happen if easy availability of a means (read: gun) was not there. Making guns less available to the population at large would reduce this risk.

I'm posting this answer to what Nan has said. For those who don't want to bother reading the whole piece, it's a press release from Bard college about their alternative path to college admissions, which we've discussed here before. http://www.bard.edu/news/releases/pr/fstory.php?id=2474 I'm going to add one illustrative quote from the above press release: “The tradition of high stakes examination, using multiple choice questions, has made the entire apparatus of high school and college entrance examinations bankrupt,†said Bard College President Leon Botstein. “Teachers, scientists, and scholars must once again take charge of the way we test. What the Bard Entrance Examination asks is that students study source materials and write comprehensively in order to show the quality of their reasoning.†Botstein notes that modern technology has made this possible. “Students who want to do this can go online and read the Federalist Papers, Gogol’s ‘The Nose,’ Aeschylus, and Mary Shelley. They can study scientific papers. With broad access to this tremendous breadth of materials, home-schooled applicants, students from rural areas, and students from abroad all have the same opportunity.†It's refreshing to hear that at least one influential thinker has ideas that may hopefully begin to change the conversation about college admissions. Disclaimer: my son just started high school at a Bard Early College High School so I am very invested in Leon Botstein's ideas and approach. His experience so far, short though it is, has been wonderful.

I wasn't saying I read his mind! That makes no sense. We've talked about it.

If you find it amusing to observe the suffering of others, that probably says more about you than it does about them. Perhaps I am hopelessly deluded, but telling my son that I trust his judgement more than that of someone I don't know as well hasn't seemed like a contradiction to him, and it doesn't seem like one to me. I have been honest with him that I make errors in judgement when I was his age, and I expect him to as well, and we are here to help him safely and wisely transition to adult life.

The essayist expresses many of my doubts about the process of admission to competitive schools. It's not only a crapshoot, it's a crapshoot that you are promised is NOT a crapshoot. I posted last year about the asian valedictorian of my son's school and her surprising lack of college acceptances (she ended up salutatorian, at the end). But it all makes sense if you understand that the school has an agenda, and very likely, that agenda differs significantly from yours. AND the agenda is unwritten and unacknowledged publicly. I think a lottery would be a perfect solution and feel more fair to students than the current system.

Yes, exactly this. Every time I've banned something (snapchat, co-ed sleepovers for teens etc.) I've tried to explain to my ds that I trust him, it's everyone else I may not trust. And while we've not had bullying issues, thank goodness, I think that even good kids who are mature for their ages can have age-appropriate judgement that is poor and gets them in over their heads. I usually don't mention that part to him : )