In our 11th year, have always taken it one year at a time and relied heavily on God's direction and provision. My son starts 11th grade, he is enrolled in a dual enrollment program through a state university and takes two classes outside home (human anatomy and my writing class at a coop)...it has worked well for our family and allows us to have time for sports/dance and while I did worry about the social aspect, should not have...just this past week alone, our children participated in four youth events with over 50 different wonderful kids...they find a way to make events happen and are service oriented...love that!

Be supportive and get communication going... These kids need adults who will work together...write her a letter, tell her your mother would like to set up a trust for the kids or tell her your mother wants to meet with her to see what her needs are...instead of giving her money offer to pay her grocery bills or buy all the children clothes...make it where she appreciates the help not resent it...ask if you can work out a weekend a month to give her a break...offer to take them all on a vacation to Disneyworld...anything to start a better line of communication.

This ten times! We have a 4 year old that we will not mount for another year, so bad for their back! Any groundwork enorced? We do hundreds of hours of ground games before riding, pays off in spades...find a barn that utilizes natural horsemanship.

Now now! As a mom of a precious boy, I protest...let's just say trying to find that soulmate can be tough! :grouphug: As hard as it is, I respect him more for breaking it off now than waiting to when they do not see each other often, he did the right thing. Time will test the strength f it and she may now meet the forever guy now! I would do a mom/daughter day of fun...hit a beach! :auto:

Yes. One day, in five years When all my children are gone it will be a show home. I go by the two hour rule, if we could get the whole house clean in 2 hours, it is manageable...if not, we tackle whatever is keeping us from that status, yesterday, it was 8 loads of laundry! Tomorrow, it will be the garage!!

Honestly, I sat down with my son at 14 and warned him the next four to five tears would be challenging for him...all those neurons firing in the brain have been hijacked by nasty but necessary hormones that are going to cause changes in his body (make a joke about morphing into Wolverine), cause him to feel foggy and tired at times...and it is all natural and normal...his father and I gave him a Christian perspective book with a take on puberty that had a chapter on mast****** and handled it exceptionally well, we told him we know all about the challenges he would face and if he had any questions, we could help. We also said we would have a welcome home celebration in a few years to welcome his active brain back...in the meanwhile, we love him, support him and when we see that he is ready to take on new responsibilities we let him...but at 14, keep it simple...2-3 subjects, a few chores...praising him all the while and relax!

Did Disney in July when I was 12...never ever again, worst vacation ever! We only go in September or January..prefer September...the week after Labor Day is awesome...low lines and great weather!

I would not be upset, I would be more concerned about your husband who 'cares' not, that is the bigger issue...I think it is great he is living with his Dad but that makes me believe that his mother does not 'care' that much either...this kid needs people who care in a loving, non-critical way....there are ways to handle it that can still be loving, I would nt have gone to his bedroom right away...I would have made him a really nice breakfast at 7am...and asked him how the night was, genuinely listen and care...then at the end remind him that 11:45 was not curfew, next time remember it please. For those who say no curfew...no way! Unless you are 21 and under my roof there will always be a curfew, for some exceptions, this can be pushed back..(concert running over, etc.) but always a curfew!

Consider this, if there were no starving children or those in need, would we need a Father to guide us? I think by saying man should meet all needs we deny that God had a Hand in it...He uses all things to His Glory...the poor, the middle class, the rich.

We have a motto around here...no one is allowed to steal any other's joy...now we often do, but we know it is wrong and we apologize. That is where I would start...you leave out the exasperations of how wrong he is and just flatly tell him he was wrong and something has to be done, if he can not find it within himself to be apologetic/remorseful...then there are other ways to 'pay' for the transgression...for us it is work...wash the fences, pull weeds, make beds, make sure there is a measurable amount of work and that he does it with care...if he does it with attitude, another chore comes along where he can 'pay' for that. All the while, I encourage them not smart mouthy, but honestly praise him for doing it well...then afterwards we have a short (2 minute) talk...so that it is understood that behavior is not accepted. The teen years are tough, but you must have consistent behavior standards...it actually makes it easier for them in the long run...allow them freedom to explore, reach out, discover new things, but being disrespectful/sulky/sullen/selfish...nobody should allow those. Make the right thing easy and the wrong thing hard.

Will pray! Be encouraged!:grouphug:

I guess I am the lone wolf here..I would not say run, if your daughters and hers are close, I would make an effort to get them together....if she chooses to pull the plug b/c you won't put up with her antics, then so be it....but my focus is on that poor child...can you imagine growing up in a home like that? They need as many people as possible to love them and let them know that the world does not focus on how the world should respond to them but how we should respond to the world. Love is the ultimate response....but, love can be seen in many actions....by not allowing the mother to pull her borderline neuroses on you, that is loving...but cutting the daughter out b/c you are tired of putting up with the mother is not as loving. I would tell my dd that we will make a 2x a month offer to have other daughter at our house...just make the offer...keep it on a schedule if possible, first and second Monday of every month or something...that way you limit the contact you have to have with the mother...I think you've laid it clear that you do not trust her...give her this option and let that be that...but love on that daughter of hers and let none of the 'banter' ever come into conversation. I just always try and teach my girls/son that loving someone is hard, putting up with abusive/caustic personalities needs to be put aside....but showing love needs to be a mandate especially the innocent ones who have to live with families like those.

To be honest, I am in AWE of God's Hand of creation! Nothing man can create could improve it...now adding an artificial nose to someone who had been maimed or disfigured somehow...I have no problem with that...but to mark up one of the most beautiful creations is usually self-focused, self-driven, and more about 'me' than honoring God. The ones that get me are the sentimental ones where a child has died and they put a tattoo of their portrait...it's touching, but again...it's there for the person, it may comfort them, but I would prefer to remember the child for their beauty. I 'get' it...I just would rather hold on and wait until I could see the real thing again.

Stupid is as stupid does.. No use fixing foolery...but, you do not have to tolerate his bullying, best response is confidence and even if he does not give respect, you can. "i appreciate your concerns, thankyou". The second time he brings it up, "your role is a tennis coach, if you can not keep your interest in my children related to tennis skills, we have a problem."

I get it. Pretty simple psychology...you criticized her 'plans'...thereby (in her mind) taking no time to question her reasoning or valuing her decision...you dissed her. Then, it was not entirely clear to her that she was supposed to go, but you compounded it by belttling her purpose and value as an employee by saying you wanted to drink so the bigger purpose (in her mind) was to provide you a ride home. In her mind, you dissed her again. I know this was not your intention, but you would never tell an 'employee' that they had to come to give you a ride home...it would have shown some measure of value/respect for you to tell her you valued her there as a member of the team and you would not drink or find another ride home. I would start by acknowledging your shortcomings and it might give her the courage to acknowledge her own.

When times like this happen, I reevaluate...are we just knocking out assignments or are we embracing homeschooling for what it offers...flexibility. Taking a day to just enjoy a picnic and sketch drawings... Playing a math game for m&ms Challenging everyone to a crazy fitness day...who can jump up and down the longest, who can swing the highest in the shortest time, Geography fun...challenge to find the longest river, highest mountain, etc. Going to te library and loading up favorite children's books, just reading those for three days and see which ones make the top five. Enjoy learning!

I agree...to be honest, she may have already had some to drink by the time we got there in the early am...so we're not dealing with 'normal' nice people...but those with deep issues of control and misgivings...I was actually proud that she could finally get off of me and show some interest in the kids...they handled her questions very well...she asked them the same ones over and over again...so we just all did a lot of smiling and answering. I spoke again to my sister today and she asked me to call my mother about something, I just told her I can not go there right now...I need a mental break from it all and to focus on the blessings I do have in friends and family...and I need to learn to not engage and just avoid conversations that I know she will want to jump in and attack. My dh said he read a book about children of alcoholics and all the signs were him...so sad, but so encouraging to know that he recognizes it and knows it's not him but them. :( Thanks for all your words, sometimes you just need to step out of the battle zone to get perspective!

I know it is hard when you just read the bad points of the weekend...because those are what stick out the most..my dh never talked the whole three hours, other than 2-3 words of agreement on topics...there were discussions around her dog who was adorable and the activities our kids like...dh's mother really enjoyed seeing them and tried hard to think of things to say to them, if there had been any abusive comments towards them, dh and I would easily march out...my girls were defensive of me and did not like the comments but we just tried to ignore them and change the subject...and I believe with all the years of alcohol abuse she really did not realize how often she repeated statements...she did that 12 years ago but usually more when she was drinking... Dh and I have always prayed for their hearts to soften, not sure I can do anything other than lower my expectations and let God figure a way.

I spoke with dh today about it and said the same exact thing you said...then it comes back to what is good for them...his mother with all her faults loved seeing our children and hearing about their lives...it brings her joy...my kids said it was just awkward and they are not used to being around alcoholics so it made them a little uneasy, but they see that I am trying to show 'love' for a lady who had to endure a very dominant angry husband for a long time. Same with my mom, since my kids definitely did not have a grandma on my dh's side..mine is all they have...sure, she forgets their birthdays and gives them something a year late...but when they're at her house, they love being with the other cousins and I think it's good for them to love a grandma...because mine meant the world to me (which just irks my mother)...and I feel like we would be punishing my Dad if we just cut them out of our lives...I'm sure he's having to suffer this week..my mom told me that my dh better go to his father's funeral..she could not see it was out of respect that he chose not to b/c he knew it would ultimately infuriate his father if he went...my mom said you go for the living not for the dead, but when the living does not allow you in their home and does not send out a message you're welcome...sigh. And, I go back to the scripture that says love those who persecute you...I'm just trying to figure out how.

This weekend, dh and I saw his mother for the first time in 12 years. We had been forbidden to 'communicate' via his father who passed last week. We visited with her and my dh's sister's family for 3 hours. For the most part, it was tolerable...no mention of his father at all..oddly, his mother seemed very 'happy'...I think years of being under his oppression being lifted was a relief..but I don't know for sure. I had to endure a few comments that were just caddy and meant to do me injury..but I just smiled it away...it did not help that she has this habit of repeating many things over and over again...here are a few. (Dh has gained 80 pounds since we married 20 years ago, I am now 50 pounds more than I was when we married, but just this year have already lost 50 pounds so was pretty happy with where I'm at) His mother said that men look great with extra weight, but no woman ever has...(she said this about 5-6x and pierced me with her eyes each time) His mother said that men look good with gray hair (my dh is salt/pepper) then she asked if I had any and I said I really liked this streak of white in the front (I have very dark hair)...she said I better dye it quickly, it's not becoming of a woman to have white hair. (she said this only 2-3x) The first 8 out of 20 statements she made of us after not allowing us in her house for 12 years was "which baby was it that you would not let me hold and you told me he had to sleep? That made me so mad" Now..the true story is she and her husband had taken 12 hours to drive to spend a few days with us after our first born...(only a 6 hour trip)..my dh and I were starving and waiting for them..when they showed up they brought their luggage in and said they were going to go out to eat..we wanted to treat them and show them around our town (they had never been)..they refused and said they'd be back..6 hours later they showed up both stumbling drunk..walking into walls, unable to open doors and his mother ran right into my son's room and got him out of the bassinet and I got there right as she was stumbling with him (he was only a week old)...I was panicked, I nicely and I do mean nicely asked her to let him sleep I had just put him down. So, now I see she fixated on this one event and probably told all her family/friends her 'version'...it took all my wits to hold my tongue and not inform the 'rest' of the family the truth...My husband said he would have spoken up but knew it would only set her off... So I go from one dysfunctional setting to my own family's home..I have struggled trying to 'love' my mother over the years...she constantly maligns a dear grandmother I love taking every opportunity to speak very ill of her..while this grandmother has loved and shown love in more ways than any human I've met...it just stings. So, for some odd reason, she sides with my dh's mother on issues..just saying that she had to put up with much worse from my grandmother and I should not complain..which I was not trying to, but my sister asked how it went and I told her the good/the bad/the repeats...my mom denied believing dh's mother said any of those things, thank goodness my girls overheard her and they told her that not only did she say them 4-5x, it was more like 10-15x...so not only do I have to endure the slights from a mother who refused any contact from us (both she and dh are alcoholics and we simply said we would not bring our children over while they were drinking and that ended it for good from their position) but I have to take slights from my own mother who never calls, never asks about our kids unless I reach out and tell her...I just want so badly to have a Caroline Ingalls somewhere in my world of mothers...I try so hard to just ignore let it not get personal and love them through the persecution...I am just having a rough patch trying to pull out of this weekend's events. Any tips on how you've been able to deal with difficult personalities? Now, on the good side, my mom is the best 'host'..she goes out of her way to cook for all the family (all my siblings were there with their kids this weekend)...but just does not care to engage in our lives. My sister just said to accept her as she is, she will not change and how lucky our children are because we both have worked hard to be better mothers and we have changed the cycle...my father is a sweet man, but a workaholic..his tactic is just to avoid my mother and everything stays peaceful. :(

Okay, you said you go to church (an hour away?) can you not find a church closer? That aside...pray pray pray...let him know you are praying and if he is a Christian ask him to pray as well. We faced similar angst a year ago and we are floored by how God has changed our lives and my son's outlook..he is a new person! Well, a renewed person...he found rowing (crew) and a local group of youth who got together for classes outside of home...(co-op here in the states)...he works out 10 hours a week with his 'crew' and has many more social events to go to that are a good outlet for him...what is great is all the kids are great kids, have yet to meet a tough one yet...loads of personality differences but all are kind hearted and well-meaning. Allow God to reveal blessings over this next year, sometimes he puts us in spots like these so that we are dependent on him...because we are at a loss.

Ah! Like your explanation much better! Ha! No, I still believe they exist. Especially healing and prophecy! But tongues I have never come across but not enough evidence to say they do not exist and nowhere oes scripture state that..that I have studied.

Me either! Best guess, ceasing a physical relationship bc it is not purely for procreating? If that is the case, more scripture supports the opposite.

Agree wholeheartedly with the blog....I teach comp/lit courses and our senior class debated whether to add HG to our list of books to round out our year of the study of nature of man v. Nature of God...we ultimately chose another selection but the debate was intense both pro and con...this blog clarifies the chasm we tried to bridge.

Give her some control and reassurance..staying firm but not reactive...how's that for instruction! HA! the first scenario...my quiver of arrows... 1. first sign of resistance..firm hard look that says this will not be tolerated. 2. second sign of resistance...remove her from the car..place her in a spot in the garage you will call a cooling off chair or something else...she must sit there while you get the other kids and other items. Here she has control of the issue...she must sit in this chair to regain the right to be in the car. If she gets up from step/chair she gets a swift spanking and is returned to the seat. All the while being calm but firm. She then learns there are consequences, mommy does not get upset...but she determines if it is better to sit on the garage steps or sit nicely in her chair. second scenario... 1. A discussion with dad in front of her...(within a couple of hours after the incident so she still recalls it..and a nice "we will have a chat with Dad about this when we get home.") We would start out talking to Dad about what fun we had at the park, how we really enjoyed seeing xyz swing so high or slide down the slide..what fun! Even have her share her favorite part of going to the park...then say, "But Daddy, we also had a rough ending to the park, xyz ran away from us and we were very scared she would get hurt." Let Daddy be the strong voice of 3 year old reason and impress upon her the importance of staying with Mommy and xyz b/c children can become hurt...you love her and do not want that...if it happens again xyz will happen...no more park days for HER (other siblings can go...make sure this happens on a Saturday while Dad can be there to watch her and let. It only takes 1-2 instances to know that there are consequences...love her through them but be firm. 2. To gain control while she runs away, I would have run and picked her up and spanked her one swift spanking and a "NO"...then sit down with her with Daddy..she needs to be reminded that you take this very seriously, but that you love her dearly...and will not allow her to be hurt.