Here is my concern, I get wanting to plan for the future. Especially now while the present is pretty sucky, but I would not risk alienating these families right now while the relationships are working for you and meeting a very present need for your daughter. I would continue with your zoom group right now because currently those families pose no risk, and are a needed benefit. Later, when you feel there may be other options to socialize and your daughter is less dependent on these families, then you can try your FB group idea. In my opinion, you have more to lose than you have to gain is you upset the balance right now.

Yes. They are free, but if they miss a test, they are no longer a student in good standing.

My oldest’s school is requiring weekly tests for graduate students and faculty and testing either twice or three times a week for undergraduates. I think their numbers are still alarmingly high. I’m just glad that my kid isn’t having in person classes.

Me too. And my FB feed is such an enjoyable place to be now. That is probably why I don’t see many of the issues others are complaining about. I’m simply not friends with those kinds of people. I know some people feel like they can’t unfriend family, but I do it. And I just ignore their repeated friend requests. Some people have even gone to my kids and said,”Can you please ask your mom to friend me?” I ignore that too because not everyone deserves access to me.

My latest PET scan showed I have fatty liver. My liver enzymes are close to normal. In my case, we know it was caused by Chemo. I’m only mentioning it because my oncologist suggested I start on milk thistle supplements. She said she can’t promise it will help but she knows it won’t hurt. I’ll have another scan in 6 months. It will be interesting to see if milk thistle helps.

This is really good advice and what I have been trying to do for the past 9 months. Her last 2 quarters of college, I read the books with her and we discussed what she found interesting. We do always watch a show together at night when the other kids have gone to bed. I’m about to go lap swimming with her like we do 3 or more times a week. We have agreed to disagree on her childhood “memories”. This is all I know to do now. We don’t fight or have too much tension in our daily lives, but it is time for her to move on and let me focus on my younger kids now. I just hope that when she does move on, she is able to build good relationships with other people and not sabotage them by always blaming everyone except herself.

I do this too. When my kid overreacted because I asked her repeatedly to clean up her dirty dishes, I absolutely apologized for ever making her feel like nothing she ever does is enough. I do feel guilty though because how is she ever going to learn not to be so self-absorbed if she isn’t given a reality check? I just have to remind myself that my job to raise her is over. I really hope things change though. I don’t know how to have an authentic relationship with someone too sensitive to ever be told how I feel or what I think. I avoid overly sensitive people like the plague. Maybe I’m the one who is going to end up changing and maturing from this relationship. I’m open to that possibility.

I will weigh in. I have 3 adult kids. The first went away to college and although we still pay her can insurance and cell phone bill, she has acted like an adult and been treated like an adult since the moment she left. She solves her own problems. If anything, I have to tease things out of her to see if there are areas where we can still help. When she visits, she acts like an ideal houseguest. When I walk in the door from swim practice, she will be pulling out of the oven, homemade pizza with each person’s favorite topping and even cooked to the degree of goldenness that each family member prefers. She sleeps on my youngest’s top bunk and doesn’t complain about anything. My son started “staying with friends” when he turned 17. Some of his friends’ parents thought he was homeless. He would say, “Oh no! I have a big home and a really loving family!” He was just ready to be a grown up and have a little space. By the time he turned 18, he had his own apartment and was soon making enough money that he just bought new clothes when he didn’t want to do laundry. We lived across the country from each other and didn’t get to see him often but that was okay, because I knew he was doing what adult kids are supposed to do. He has come back to stay with us for a few months and I enjoy having him here. He engages with his younger siblings, always washes his own dishes and just lets me know where he is going and when he will be back so I won’t worry. Sometimes he runs errands with me even though he doesn’t need anything because it is fun to spend time with mom. From my point of view, we really didn’t have any tricky areas or growing pains when they were leaving the nest. But everything is different with the one I have in transition now. I have always considered her a little different from the rest of us. I used to think of her as Cousin Marilyn from The Munsters, so I take extra time to meet her needs, knowing they might not get met with what is fine for the rest of the family. But to her, her childhood was miserable. My parenting was abusive. She “remembers” things happening that all 6 of us are certain never happened. If I ask her to wash her own dishes, she complains to other people how nothing she ever does is good enough and I make her life miserable. I have been hoping that she just needs to do some growing up. I was thrilled when she went off to school with her best friend. Unfortunately that relationship blew up. The next year she roomed with someone “better” that living situation couldn’t last a semester. Dh told me he fears she has a personality disorder. I’m still hoping she is just slower maturing. But in any case, it is time for her to leave the nest. She has a degree, a car her dad bought her and no student loans. I really feel like my job is done, but she doesn’t seem to have the same motivation to grow up that my other kids do. All of that is to say that even kids within the same family are so different. What they need from us is so different. If I only had my 2 oldest, I’d feel like launching kids is easy, and I’m not sure what other people are doing wrong. So hugs to all of the parents trying to navigate this new relationship.

I read the description as a bit of a stereotype. I don’t know any people like that, and if I did, they sure wouldn’t be on my FB feed. My Dh records our church service on zoom so that people can attend without risk. The 5 people in the church for the recording are masked the entire time. My priest was not born in the US. He cares works tirelessly for people of color in our denomination. He also refuses to pastor any church where his gay son is not welcome. These are the Christians I know. I’ve never seen the kind that hate gays and only care for the unborn. That is really saying something because I’m from Texas.

My husband doesn’t have ADHD, but we do have a child with Autism who seems to take after his side of the family. I spent years resentful of exactly what you just said. Finally I realized that he can’t/won’t change. I need to find my happy way forward that doesn’t include his needing to change. I’ve been happier since then. I’m just never going to have that marriage in my imagination, but there are things I can enjoy about the marriage I do have.

When I have felt this way in my almost 30 year marriage, I mentally release Dh from responsibility for my happiness. Then I think about things I can do that make my happy but don’t require anything from him. I take the kids out to lunch. I go visit a girlfriend for deep conversations about the meaning of life. I exercise. I cook what I like to eat. I’m not being manipulative or trying to make him jealous. I’m just taking care of myself. Sooner or later, my husband looks up and thinks, “Oh, shoot, they are having a lot of fun. I want to be part of that!” This only works because Dh really does love us and want to engage. He just forgets that marriage requires attention sometimes.

I feel like this is a time to pray the serenity prayer. I don’t really understand getting so upset about something that we have absolutely no control over. I have control over how my family and I behave. I feel like we are on a number line and we call anyone to the left of us too careless, but we need to acknowledge that there are people to the right of us who are judging us as being way too lax. I don’t see any room for self-righteousness here. We are all doing what we think is best considering our own limited knowledge and unique circumstances. I’m sad that I haven’t been able to see my oldest all summer or over the holidays, but it was a decision that we agreed on as being best for our family. We don’t blame other people for our decision. I think my oldest has been more careful than anyone I know. She hasn’t been in a store or restaurant since March. Her groceries are delivered. Her work and classes are online. She takes her walks at midnight so she won’t encounter others on the street. Nevertheless, in August, on her birthday, she drove to Chicago to get a dog from a kill shelter. She had an appointment and wore a mask, but FOR HER, the isolation was worse than the risk of getting COVID during that outing. So there is surely someone who is farther down the spectrum of caution who would judge her as completely irresponsible for not just sucking it up and remaining dogless and completely alone. My point is that someone is going to judge you no matter what you choose and worrying about that judgment is a waste of time because it is out of your control. My best friend was very cautious early on. She didn’t let her college aged son come home for spring break because he and his girlfriend went to the movies. She has moved away from being so cautious. I don’t know all of the reasons, but since she is a person who I respect, I believe that she has reason to decide that the benefits outweigh the risks for her specific situation. She doesn’t owe me an explanation of what that situation might be. It isn’t going to change my faith in her or love for her. I have a friend here who always wears a mask around me while we visit outside. I haven’t seen him, and worried he might be sick, but Dd told me to keep it hush hush but his family went on vacation for the holidays. Who am I to judge him or change my feelings about his family. Clearly, they felt like the need was more important than the risks. I’m doing my best to be careful, but my son’s girlfriend is visiting now. I think it is lowish risk because she takes classes and works online but it isn’t completely without risk. I choose to encourage this because the risk is less (in my estimation) than the effect that total isolation would have on him. I just assume that my friends are making the same thoughtful, hard choices that I am. They don’t need to justify their choices to me, any more than I owe them an explanation. It does rub me the wrong way when people post on FB about how everyone should be absolutely perfect at all times in their caution but I later find out that they were at a Halloween party and their kids play daily at the neighbor’s, but that doesn’t count in their minds because those people are “in their pod”. Give me a break. My biggest issue with FB lately is that I have nothing interesting to post because I’m not doing anything interesting. But that is a new challenge for me to address.

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I have 2 knife blocks, but my favorite place for leftovers is a magnetic strip on the wall.

We had a lot of wins. My 14 year old had no idea I was getting her a stationary bike. We haven’t put it together yet but I think she will really enjoy the help closing her rings on the rare days that she doesn’t have swim practice. Her LuLuLemon order didn’t arrive , but she had no problem with waiting a few days for it. I was really stuck on what to get my 11 year old. She has a December birthday, so we just got her every gift we thought she would like. She always wants books, so that was easy, but not quite enough. She mentioned that she would like the AG VW bus. Dh had to scramble to get it ordered in time, but it arrived Christmas Eve and she loves it, so that it a win. 2 Christmases ago, I got Ds a switch. It was stolen by his roommate (who was in recovery so Ds was helping him out with a free place to live) I’ve been so upset about that. I replaced his switch and when we got it set up, all of his saved games were still accessible. There was much rejoicing! My biggest fail is that I started a quilt(of my dad’s old funny t shirts) for my oldest in plenty of time to finish and get it to her by Christmas. Then I went to the hospital. Then I had chemo. Now I have neuropathy in my hands that have kept me from finishing. But I’m getting stronger, so I told her to expect her present on Valentines Day. She couldn’t come for Christmas, but FaceTimed us all morning then played online with her siblings all afternoon, so it was almost as if she was here. What meant the most to me was seeing how improved my son is from last Christmas and past Christmases. He has struggled with debilitating mental health issues for 10 years, and we have finally got combination of meds that are really helping. He was engaged with the family all day, sitting next to me, hugging me, telling me thanks for always being so supportive. He played games with his sisters, was able to actually eat. Now he is up about to go pick up his girlfriend for the weekend. A year ago, I couldn’t have dared to dream that he could be this healthy and happy. That is the best gift ever. Second place goes to my 14 year old for the gift she made me. It is a jar with tongue depressors in it. On each one, she wrote something great that happened to our family in 2020. I just bawled reading them. We have had so many traumatic things happen this year, but my kid wrote a fortunately for every one of our unfortunatelies. I’m so proud that she thought of it, and so grateful that she shared them with me.

I don’t think Dh and have different views of the risks. He is just more forgetful. I don’t think he washes his hands as soon as he gets home, but he will see all of the kids doing it and say, “Oh, yeah. That is a good idea.” And get in line behind them. My kids, adult are very careful in my opinion. They carry hand sanitizer and use it often. They remember to always grab a clean mask and ask me to wash used ones. Dh is at the grocery store now. I bet he forgot a mask and is wearing one he left in the car yesterday. I’m not thrilled about it, but he is doing the best he can. My oncologist wants me to go 3 more months without being indoors with anyone but my immediate family. I think I can do it because Dh does all of the errands for me. I need to remember to be appreciative of that. He was supposed to record the Christmas Eve service. There were 5 people (masked) in the church and he stays as far away from everyone as possible. He had to bail because he got a kidney stone and had to stay in bed. I hated seeing him in pain but I was glad to escape the extra risk. It is such a balancing act, but we are working it out.

I have to tell you this story. I recently reconnected with a little girl (who is somehow now 40) who I babysat when she was 8 and I was 18. I didn’t know it at the time, but her mother told me that she was clinically depressed at the time. I came over twice a week and loved on the kids and ironed the basket of wrinkled clothes and made banana bread from the banana’s that were just about to turn and cooked dinner for everyone. The “little girl” says that I’m one of the most influential people in her life. She is ready to be an auntie to my own kids and is already stepping up in some super helpful ways. Moms really don’t have to do it all. A village isn’t always inferior.

I have always known that I wanted to be a stay at home mom for a biggish family. I remember when my mom went back to school and to work. She told me that her therapist told her that when the mom does things that fulfill her, the whole family is happier. But I wasn’t happier. I think I was just a bratty kid at the time, but the neighbor who started watching me after school had a house that smelled like egg salad sandwiches. That made me feel very sorry for myself. I guess I was pretty spoiled because I did resent the change in my life when I no longer had a stay at home mom. I knew that I didn’t want that for my own kids. I knew that would never make me happy. I did worry about how I would support my future children, and so I got a degree in education so if I was widowed, I would be able to at least be home with them on school holidays and in the summer. I warned my husband that if he married me, I would never leave my child to go to work. I took out my teacher retirement when my oldest was born. But here is the thing. I know moms who have worked their kids’ entire lives, and they are every bit as good of mothers as I consider myself to be. Their kids are every bit as happy and successful and emotionally well cared for as mine. Those mothers didn’t do it all. They hired loving nannies and paid for kumon when the schools didn’t teach phonics and one had a husband who retired when the kids reached high school age because that was a time they felt was crucial to have extra support. But they got it all done and all done well. There really isn’t one right way to parent. I just know myself. I generally have low energy and hyper focus and a hard time making transitions and a hard time making comprises. I’m not good candidate for having a career and raising a family at the same time. My time at home has been fulfilling. I have folded different kids into our homeschool at various times. I have almost gotten in my 10,000 hours of mastery in cooking. My husband and I both spend many hours volunteering each week. I don’t think that is some kind of sad, less than life. I don’t regret anything or wish I had chosen differently. But none of that means that working part time or full time while raising a family is wrong or somehow less than for someone else.

I apologize. I can not see signatures on my iPad. I actually didn’t even read all of the previous responses. I certainly wish that I had phrased my comment in a way that wasn’t hurtful. I’m sorry for being insensitive.

I also don’t feel like I have missed out on anything staying home with my children. I did teach in PS for 5 years before my oldest was born. I don’t think there is anything wrong with couples who both work and share household and childcare duties. I just knew this wasn’t for me. I told Dh when we were 19 that if he wanted to marry me, he needed to make enough money for me to stay home with our children. That was a good motivator for him. LOL. I don’t think he would have progressed as far in his career if he hadn’t had the benefit of a stay at home spouse supporting him in all areas other than financial. I haven’t been lonely or isolated staying home because I have always volunteered and had hobbies. I much prefer those to a real job. About 10 years ago, Dh asked if I planned to go back to work if I became a widow. I told him, I planned to downsize, start with subbing then go back to teaching. Not long ago, he told me that we had reached the point where I would likely not need to work again unless I wanted to. My 14 year old is sometimes jealous of her friends who are only children with 2 working parents because they get weekends at Tahoe and new Hummers on their 16th birthdays. I tell her to think about what it would feel like to not have siblings. Also, she is number 4 so if I only had one or two children, she wouldn’t exist. For myself, I knew what kind of family life I wanted. That is the life we have and I’m very happy that I never settled for less.

I have a true story about this. My friend who is the event’s organization for our swim team was going out of town and asked me to fill in. I set everything out, leaving spaces on the table for items I knew would be coming a little later. I was waiting by my set up tables when the coach asked me to take pictures because the parent who volunteered to that never showed up. After I’ve taken a few pictures, I sense movement over by the tables. A random parent is rearranging everything. I said, “Hey, what is going on?” She starts in on how the hot food goes on this side and the desserts belong over there.” I said, “but I had it just how I wanted it.” She told me it wasn’t about me. I am not the team. And this is a TEAM event. I went back to taking pictures, and then I thought, no, I’m not putting up with that. I promised my friend that I’d do a good job, and I wasn’t going to let her down. I walked back to the table and started putting things back where I had them and simply said, “Actually it DOES matter where I want things.” OH EM GEE This super nice, helpful lady started telling me I was a real bitch and she ought to kick my ass. I sarcastically answered, “Why Thank You!” or “That is so lovely.” Finally when she couldn’t intimidate me, she went off to complain to other people. My friends who know that parent really liked her. They said she was “super sweet”. They said it was so surreal that really expected to be on Candid Camera. So here is the whole point of my story. This parent was nice because she always got her way and no one ever crossed her. Am I a bitch? Probably. But what is the alternative? Allowing unasked people to take over your projects? I hardly think that is an option.

This is what I see the water polo teams doing. They still have practice, but they run or tread water distanced one to a lane. They aren’t having matches.

I have always found it easier to be friends with men. I’m seeing the same situation with my 14 year old. She isn’t boy crazy at all, but when I can’t find her on the pool deck, I just look for the boys, and sure enough they are in a circle around her. I’ve just given up and had men for my closest friends.

My husband was injured when someone hit him so hard on the freeway that the front wheel of my suburban went flying off. We were happy with our final settlement, but it took 18 months and we would have been in a very bad position without an attorney. We simply got the max that they were insured for.

I have a thing with a handle to Swiffer the floor. I put a disinfecting wipe on it instead of a Swiffer and I can reach the high areas of the wall without a ladder.