I feel bad because our school district bought a giant warehouse of Covid test kits. I’m supposed to send home 2 with each student every week. The problem is that the parents don’t want anymore. I even give out blow pops to the kids who will take home Covid tests. I still have test kits in my car, in my living room, and in my kitchen. This is after I’ve snuck a few loads into the school dumpster. I’ve asked if my pharmacy could take them, I’ve asked Goodwill if they will take them, I’ve even brought them to church to see if the older people there wanted some. The people in my area are not interested in testing any more at all.

After avoiding Covid for all of these years, I tested positive on Christmas Eve. I’m disappointed. I just got another booster at Thanksgiving to try to avoid this, but teaching elementary school, I’m just bathing in germs all day long. I’m hoping to have a mild case and to feel better soon.

I haven’t had contact with her in decades. On Sunday, my sister said mom was calling for me. I called her and even though she had not been able to talk for several days, she was sure trying to communicate. We made out “I’m sorry”, “Have a good life” and “I love you.” I told her that her work on Earth was finished and it was time for her to rest. I told her that the children were all fine and her genetics and her creativity would live on in them. I told her that everyone loved her and she had no worries left. Now I’m at work, and the tears are trying to start.

I’m a little bit past this stage since I’m 56, but I still have a 16 year old and a 12 year old at home. When I was at the height of my stuckness and discontentment, I started setting some boundaries with my family. The first one was that I quit cooking on weekends. I told the family that dad could cook or they could get takeout or buy frozen food or eat cup of noodles or starve, but I spent almost 30 years making three meals a day from scratch for a family of 7 including one celiac, one vegetarian and 2 very picky kids. Then I really thought about what would make me fulfilled. For me, it was going back to teaching in my neighborhood title 1 elementary school. It is such hard work. I burn over 900 calories in a school day. Yesterday, I cried in my classroom after the kids left because I wish I had done better that day, but it really makes me happy. I look forward to school when the alarm goes off at 5:00 am. I know this week, I have a bunch of meetings, and will probably not leave before 6:00pm all week. I know that $57,000 a year is no where near enough for how hard I work, but my husband did the math, and since I’m just putting my salary in savings, both of our youngest daughters can go to college in Malibu without his needing to sell stock or dip into retirement money, so he is happy to take over now all of the cooking and grocery shopping and doctor and therapy appointments. My 16 year old is doing all of her high school classes at the community college and my 12 year old attends a private online school. My 28 year old daughter lives across the country, but she helps my 12 year old with all of her school work. So we are technically still homeschooling, but I’m not doing any of the teaching. I really think the solution is so different for different people, but I knew that if I didn’t make a change for myself, I’d start throwing pitchers too! I feel so bad for you because you are in limbo, and nothing is more frustrating to me. Hang in there! I hope you find something more fulfilling soon!

We don’t have year round schooling, but I met the afternoon school coordinator today, and I’ll probably stay an hour after school to do some extra help, plus teach summer school, so I can encourage my parents to let me have an extra month with my students to really make sure they are ready for second grade. Also, during the summer, I want a chance to work with the older kids on some art projects. I love the idea of wordless picture books. My oldest was obsessed with “Good Dog, Carl”, it is the only thing in her life that she refused to share! I’m excited about ordering from scholastic. I can still feel the thrill of taking home my new books when the orders came in. I’ve never heard of First Book Marketplace, but I will definitely check that out. I agree about read aloud books staying in the classroom. I have a tall shelf behind my desk for my personal books. I bought a few from my childhood that I don’t still own, because I want to share the books that were my best friends when I was their age. But I will be fine with their not returning a book from the borrow basket, because that means that they no longer come from a home without books. I do have an account with TPT. In fact, I bought some room decor so I can have a completely bespoke classroom. I’m obsessed with the idea of displaying the book a day down the hallway, and my hallway looks exactly like that one! Is it just color copies of the covers and then reduce the size? Wow! Thank you for the list of books about math topics! I’m going to send that list to the school librarian ans see if she can get some for the library. Also, my custodian told me that there is a bar down the street that will sponsor a classroom if I go talk to them. I can show them the books I want and they will donate proceeds from poker games and such to my class. I appreciate all of the great ideas. Thank you for sharing my joy with me.

Thank you! Amelia Bedelia is a great suggestion which is not on my list. Thanks for the game suggestions too.I’m pretty adept at designing games for any learning goal. I have 2 weeks set aside to do nothing but make games for as much of the year I can before my students arrive, but it is time saver to use games which I don’t have to make myself!

After 2 years of struggling with my health, I feel mostly recovered. My psychiatrist has gotten my meds in a good balance, and he asked a colleague to be my therapist, which is helping too. My 12 year old with PTSD from my near death experiences, is on meds and we are seeing her therapist together. She said that she feels like both are really helping. I have been having a hard time deciding what I want to do with the “extra innings” I’ve been given. I didn’t know how to plan for the rest of my life. I may have a completely cancer-free long life, or I may get a recurrence at any time, and my cancer was so aggressive that I probably wouldn’t have much time left if that happens. Finally, I realized there was one thing that would make me happy no matter if my remaining time is short or long. It is what I have been passionate about since I was in elementary school. It is what I got my degree in. It is what got derailed 28 years ago when I had a child with Autism and multiple learning disabilities, and knew I needed to focus all of my energy on her education. I am teaching first grade at a title 1 school 3 blocks from my house! You can not believe how happy it makes me to have this opportunity to do what I love, for kids who have not been as privileged as my own children, and to be in my own neighborhood which I am already very involved with. My therapy has focused on not putting other people’s wants above my needs. Isn’t this a weird thing to choose to be selfish about? One thing I know for sure is that I don’t want to spend the rest of my life picking up after other people and cooking three meals a day from scratch. My husband is working from home, and my youngest kids are 15 and 12. It is time for them to learn to spend part of each day without momma being at their beck and call. Now the important part of this post, my school has only 13% of kids reading on grade level and 8% on grade level for math. One of my first priorities is sharing my love of books. I’m going thrifting this week to fill a basket with 50 cent children’s books they can borrow and take home and if even keep if they want too. My other goal is to focus on a different author or illustrator each week. Help me brainstorm high-interest authors to spotlight. I haven’t thought of enough to fill every week of the school year. I don’t want them continuing to think reading is just leveled stories from their reading textbooks! Thanks!

It is crazy, but putting your blow dryer on hot, and hitting the rash with the hot air feels really good.

We have already put two of our kids through college, so I have learned quite a bit about what I value in a school and what I would prefer to avoid. I think the pressure is really high on kids going to public and private schools and getting ready for AP exams this week while keeping up at swim and in all of their other classes. My daughter has a much more flexible schedule and I’m still able to prioritize her getting enough sleep and healthy food and exercise. That is more of a struggle for her friends. I don’t really see the issue with the head of admissions telling me what their particular school looks for in applications, and what their admissions committee would find lacking in our kids’ applications. I do think it would be misleading to say that every kid applying to college needs an outstanding service project to be accepted anywhere. We know that isn’t true. But a private, Christian college may put more weight on component. As far as having a dream school, there are many reasons why this is our first choice. First, it is only 5 hours from home. I’ve had kids across the country for school, and I prefer to be closer. Secondly, in the 70s my uncle was hired there. He wanted to combine the spiritual support and growth he received at his private Christian college where he did his undergraduate degree with the academic rigor he encountered at University of Texas Law School. He is approaching 90years old now and is still a chancellor there. Also his kids work in different departments of the university so my kids would be away from home but still have family around them who would attend their swim meets and take them to church and family dinners. I also like that the average class size is 13 students to 1 professor. Also, the president of the university has the entire freshman class over to his house for dinner. Professors host student dinners themselves as well. There is a lot to like. So I’m looking at a lot of factors other than just any school that is a good fit and affordable. I’ve spent over 20 years homeschooling my kids, so I want them to have the same support and academic quality in their university experience as well. We used to have a therapeutic horse riding facility on our street. My older kids volunteered there and ended up with over 350 volunteer hours by the time that they graduated. They had time to do this because they weren’t swimming competitively every day. They didn’t do it to look good on a transcript but because that is their value system. I agree that volunteering to be volunteering is not helpful at all. But taking a hard look at your privilege and deciding to create an opportunity for other kids to have a tiny bit more equality can’t be a bad thing, particularly for spoiled teens!

Thank you so much! I will check that out today!

Last summer, we took my 15 year old and her best friend to tour colleges. At their dream school, we got to meet with the head of admissions who told the girls that they have the grades and the extracurricular activities needed for their applications, but they really needed a good service project. As I’m sure you know, some high schoolers already have over full schedules. My daughter swims in the morning, takes her classes at the community college, works as a lifeguard and swim instructor and then swims for another two hours in the evening. Both girls have weekends already full with swim meets. But they have an idea… We live in perhaps the most ethnically diverse city in the nation. Their is a huge gap in wealth in our community. Our girls know that they are super privileged in areas like getting cars for their 16th birthday and going to Disney several times a year, while their are children around them who never even get the opportunity to learn how to swim. Their idea is to start a fund and raise money for diversity in USA swimming. The money would be spent by paying for swim lessons for kids in the community who qualify for free or reduced lunch, have an IEP or write a letter outlining their particular hardship. The girls would hold several fundraisers and visit schools to get families interested in the program, and give talks at various functions in town to inspire clubs to donate. After they go to college, younger swimmers could take over the fundraising, but our kids would still have their names on the literature as having founded the foundation. They are stuck on giving this project a perfect name. They don’t want anything cutesy like “Just Keep Swimming”, and they don’t want anything in the name that could be stigmatizing line “Hardship” or even “Diversity.” Who is good at naming projects like this? In other news, my psychiatrist added Wellbutrin to my Lexapro and Buspar. By the second day, I felt great! So guess what I did this week? I got a job! I’ll be teaching first grade at our neighborhood school, and actually be able to walk to work. I thought principals might look askance at my 28 years out of the workforce, but I was just relaxed and completely myself during the interviews and the various schools were fighting over who was going to hire me. I’m so excited for this new chapter in my life.

Two out of three of my adult kids have signed papers giving me permission to talk to their doctors. I made sure I released my medical information with them as well. It has made things much easier to get them help when they need it.

I went no contact with my mom 25 years ago, and it is one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. Honestly, I think the only reason I let it go on so long was fear of the blow up that confronting her would result in. There is a pattern of sibling rivalry in my mom’s family. You know where one kid is the good one and another has no redeeming qualities? Her trauma from growing up with this dynamic created a situation where my sister felt threatened by my existence. She bullied me my entire childhood. It is weird, because as soon as we became teenagers and got away from my mom, she was filled with so much regret and guilt about how she behaved. She was just a kid fulfilling her assigned role in the family. We have been very close since she apologized. I got through a very challenging childhood by telling myself I would choose differently. My children would have a stable family. My children would be close and loving to each other. I would build a lasting marriage. By the time I was 5, I was noticing who had the kind of life I wanted as an adult, and analyzed what choices I would have to make to get that. I’m a pretty forgiving person. I try to see things from the other person’s perspective. I tend to give people another chance until they take advantage one time too often. People can view that as weakness on my part and they are shocked when I have finally have had enough. I gave my mother so many chances, and even allowed her to move in with us after we had married and had our first child. It was stressful because we were always walking on eggshells and she wanted to control every aspect of our lives from what color lipstick I should wear to which of her siblings we were “allowed” to have a relationship with. But I could put up with it until I got pregnant with my son. My mother kept harping on how unfair it was to my oldest to have another child. She really does believe that love is finite. And she would tell my 1 year old daughter to tell my husband that she loved Granny more than him. She constantly tried to encourage me to be disrespectful to my husband and would throw a fit when I refused. I absolutely would not allow her to recreate the chaos of her life all over again with my family. I had worked too hard to make different choices. How could I allow her to steal our reward for all of that work? So my husband and I called a family meeting. We let her talk first. We did not interrupt her. When it was our turn to talk, she didn’t let my husband get one sentence out before she started screaming at him. I stood up and said, “This meeting is over. You have 90 days to find another place to live.” I won’t go into that 90 days, but I ended up moving myself and kids into a hotel to keep them away from her venom. I ended up having to get the police to get her out of my house. But she kept coming back until my sister flew across the country and told her she could leave us alone, or she could lose another child. The bad news is that my decision caused me to lose many close relationships. She tried to poison everyone against me, but I wouldn’t do the same to her. When person after person cut me off, I told myself that if they didn’t know my innate generous and forgiving nature, we didn’t have much of a relationship to lose. My husband expected that one day we would reconcile. I never thought that. People tell me how much I will regret my decision when she dies. I know I won’t. People ask me what kind of child treats their mother that way? I have children. I know how much they want to love their parents despite their flaws. What kind of mother was she that I feel nothing but relief by being away from her. I refuse to accept the blame. I broke the cycle of family trauma. My children adore each other and my marriage remains very happy decades later. My kids have modeled themselves after me. They refuse to be passive. They refuse to allow anyone to disrespect them. They stand up for their rights and the rights of others. They don’t care if people judge them or disagree with their decisions. We have experienced tragedy from floods and cancer and miscarriages, but we withstand them as a united force. They make our bonds even tighter. I won’t lie. It was incredibly hard to go through, but the rewards have been so worth it. Am I bitter about what she put me through? Sometimes, but I remind myself that living well is the best revenge, and no one is worth sacrificing my marriage and children for. OP, I’m so sorry you are facing this decision. If the person made mistakes. If the person can take responsibility and apologize like my sister did, you might be able to forgive, start again and end up really treasuring the relationship. If the person will never change, the sooner you can get away the better.

Definitely interesting for high schoolers

https://shop.strangersguide.com/category/bundles/ I subscribed to this magazine, and my kids really love it. The translations are as close as possible to the native language. It would be a great gift idea for the person who has everything. I’ve shared before about my 12 year old who was diagnosed with PTSD. I wanted to give her a little extra school work because I have been so sick in recent years. I am still her school of record, but I signed her up for 3 classes at this online private school. https://laurelsprings.com/about/why-laurel-springs/ I LOVE it! I wish I had found it sooner. The lessons are extremely high quality, and it is self paced. So my kid has been having trouble keeping up with the suggested schedule. During teacher conferences, I explained what was going on, and every single teacher told me that her work is excellent, so put my priorities on her sleep and exercise and mental health, and they will give her as many extensions as she needs. I thought this might be a good option for families who are looking for an alternative to public school.

Something like BA of liberal studies. I don’t understand how teaching certifications work in California. She takes education classes, and will graduate but then needs to work another year for certification? I’m really not sure.

My future daughter-in-law is currently a special Ed para in a classroom, while she goes to school full time. She will have her BA in about 6 months, but she is burned out and wants to work from home? Are there any companies where she should apply to teach or tutor? She is open to work from home customer service jobs as well. Thanks!

My 15 year old just dyed my hair with Madison Reed color. I love it too!

So my oldest has a BA in English with minors in both Art and Ancient Greek. She went on to get her masters in Library Science, and is now on the waitlist for a fully funded English PhD program. Y’all say a little prayer that she gets accepted off of the waitlist this week! In the meantime, she is doing okay financially. Her material desires are very, very modest. She is working 3 part time jobs, one is the research that she was doing in her masters program. She did such a good job that they kept her employed after she graduated, she is also doing research for a professor and also assisting a woman who owns a travel magazine. She is so happy with her situation right now. The jobs are interesting and she can buy anything she really needs and she has a great roommate situation. But it took a whole lot of privilege to get her there. Firstly, the privilege of being homeschooled. She has autism and learning disabilities. If she had been left in PS, she would never have even been able to get her AA degree. Then she had parents who could pay for whatever costs were left after her scholarships. Then, she had 2 aunts at her 4 year university who advocated for her to get the accommodations she needed and the professors who were compatible with her neuro divergence. Then, she had an undergraduate roommate who loved her so much, she gave her 6 months free rent for her graduation present for her masters. Then she also had an uncle who gave her a used car when she got her license. I could spin it as a story of the kid no one thought was going to survive making a good life for herself through grit and hard work. The reality is that it is a house of cards and if any one of her financial advantages hadn’t been there, she would be sitting in the wreckage as so many of her peers are. My middle daughter started out as an English major as well. She also had the benefit of a free car and parents who paid for her 4 year degree. Somewhere along the way, she switched majors to interdisciplinary. Hers is a combination of English, Psychology and Women/Gender Studies. It is difficult to imagine a less lucrative degree. She is currently working for a law office where she helps clients get their disability cases resolved. She makes less per hour than my 15 year old who is a lifeguard/swim instructor. But….she is doing okay because she also has a ton of privilege. As young people sometimes do, she got in her mind that she would only be happy living in one specific city with an extremely high cost of living. Incredibly, I have friends there who offered her a huge attic suite completely free of charge. They also have connections to the university there and are helping her get accepted into the very competitive MSW program there. She is doing pretty well, but not because she is smarter, or more diligent than her peers. She just has a truck load of privilege. My 15 year old daughter has none of the love of academics that her sisters do. She is all about working smarter, taking shortcuts and relying on her charisma to open doors. She has her university picked out. Even with her lack of academic prowess, she is guaranteed entry into the private school due to family connections. Unless she screws up completely like committing a crime or getting caught cheating, my family will also make sure that she gets a high paying job at the university after she graduates. She has an amazing future mapped out, and I have no doubt she will achieve it all, but not through working harder than her friends. In fact, she does much less school work than they do. It will be because she was born into a family who can pay for her education and buy her a Fiat for her 16th birthday, and provide her with a safety net should anything ever go wrong. She will be successful because of her privilege. I’m planning to go back to teaching in PS next year to supplement our retirement accounts and to put money away for future grandchildren, if I’m ever lucky enough to have some. I’d like to help children who don’t have the advantages my kids have to have better options than dead end jobs and debt. I see not just the unfairness but the cruelty of our current system. Other than trying to help the families I come in contact with, I can’t begin to understand the changes that must be made if we want the next generation to have any hope of equatable options and opportunities.

Thanks! I think that it has recently been updated to allow homeschooling parents to appoint an administrator. I think you are right that she can only work “outside of school hours”. I just wasn’t sure what that would be for a private school student attending asynchronous classes. It looks like it might mean the local public school calendar.

My 15 year old just got certified as a lifeguard. She has an interview at our home pool tomorrow. I know she needs a work permit. For school, she is taking her classes at the community college (asynchronous, online) and we are homeschooling as a private school. So I read that I can appoint an administrator who is not her parent to sign the work permit, but what I don’t know is if she still can’t work during hours that the local high school is in session. It would be perfect if she could work anytime as long as she didn’t go over a certain number of hours a week, rather than only being allowed to work before and after school hours. She needs to fill out a form listing when she is able to work for her interview this afternoon and I’m not sure what her options are. Has anyone here done this before?

For me, a better life means having more options, so I every area where I can tip the scale in my kids’ favor, I’m going to do it. Will I make mistakes? Yes. Will they complain about me to their therapists? Yes. Will they have more chances to live the lives they choose than their father and I had? Also yes. I think of it as a bunch of tiny weights that add up to a big difference. For example, I think good nutrition gives you an advantage, so I’ve spent decades cooking healthy meals from scratch. My kids can choose to reject that and live on junk food, but because they are accustomed to healthy food, and they have been taught how to cook, that will be a choice, not necessity. I think exercise is is beneficial for everyone. So we are very involved in their sports, donating time and money and making sure our kids have a habit of working out daily. They can choose to become couch potatoes when they grow up, but at least they have a choice. I feel like a close Church family can be a comfort in good times and bad. I won’t be upset if my kids reject organized religion as adults. We are raising them with weekly church attendance, Bible lessons at home, and service projects, so that they will have option of going and will know what they are missing if they don’t. When I have grandchildren, their parents will have options. If they want me to babysit full time or even homeschool their kids, I will do that. If they want to stay home with them, I’ll stay working so I can contribute financially to their families. We are also providing for our own retirements so that they have options there too, they will not have to care for us in our old age unless they choose to. I can’t prevent the disasters like floods and miscarriages and cancer and mental illness, but I know that disasters are easier to deal with when you have strong family support to fall back on. When you add up all of the small areas such as good prenatal care, good nutrition, individualized education, intact family or origin, financial security, college education, gift of first car….it starts adding up to a life of privilege. That doesn’t sound bad to me, because I hope that all of my children use that privilege to care for others and make the lives around them better than they would be without them.

I don’t think there is an obligation, but I don’t understand not trying to give them whatever advantages we can to spare them some of the rough times we went through. Dh and I put ourselves through college. We had parents who felt that their responsibility stopped at 18. I don’t have a problem with that, but Dh and I chose to parent very differently. We want our children to graduate college with a reliable car and no debt. We feel like what they do with their lives after that, is up to them, but they will have more options if we can help them get to that point successfully. I don’t judge parents who choose differently, but I don’t understand people who had parents who paid for their university and bought them cars, but their own children are on their own. I’m going to start applying to teach in public school again so my younger daughters can go to the private university they have picked out without worrying about the extra cost. If I ever get grandchildren, I will babysit for free, pay for lessons and camps, let their parents live with us, anything in my power to make parenting just a little easier on them than it was on us. I understand that for some kids that would be enabling, but so far, my kids are hardworking, responsible, appreciative humans, so Dh and I will keep doing everything in our power to help them have the happiest lives possible.

I am so sorry for everything you have been through and for how it has affected your daughter. I have a genuine question. What should the coach have said that would have been helpful That is a really good question. First of all, I’m close to this coach who is younger than my oldest kid. I’m her safe person, when she is having her own anxiety attacks. She is a very strong and proud person, so she has survived by pushing down her own emotions, until she can’t any longer and they come out inappropriately. Also, because the coach and I are so close, she has more of a sibling relationship with my girls than an authoritative one. The problem is that if you bring up the trauma my daughter has been through, she relives it. She didn’t want to relive the worst thing that has happened in her life on the pool deck and start bawling in front of all of her friends plus strangers too. A better tactic would have been to go ahead and ask her if she is upset about anything swim related. When she said, no, she had been having a tough week, her coach could have said, “Okay. take as long as you need. Do you want to get some water, or a snack from the bin? Get back in your lane whenever you are ready to keep swimming.” That would have taken the attention off of what was going on internally, and allowed her to refocus on her surroundings and her body and senses by eating and drinking. I helped her get through 2 anxiety attacks in a similar way this week. Due to anxiety, she had always peeled her fingernails and toenails to the point of pain and bleeding. I recently let her get acrylic nails which has helped, but sometimes, she doesn’t know how to express what she wants to the nail technician. Before we walked in, I told her I’d let her handle everything, but I’d be right there, so if she needed help, just ask me for it. Instead of soaking off her outgrown nails, the technician “popped” it off to save time. This hurt, and Dd started quietly crying. She said, “Mom….” So I walked over, and asked if she could soak them off instead. She said she could, but it would take awhile that way. Then, Dd started hyperventilating and said she needed to throw up. I took her to the bathroom. Let her take off her mask, got her some water, did some deep breathing with her, and then I gave the technician a $50 tip on a $60 service. I told her Dd has a lot of anxiety, and I would appreciate it if she takes as long as it takes to give Dd exactly what she asks for, but I don’t expect her to eat the cost of it taking twice as long. She was super understanding. Dd was able to come back to the chair and have a really good day. Every time she looks at her nails, she says how happy they make her, and how she hopes she can request that technician next time. I count that as a win because she didn’t give up and go home, she practiced how to get through the hard moments. Later in the week, my husband took the girls to get their teeth cleaned. They should have been home in plenty of time to get to swim practice, but my husband had a work emergency and pushed beck the appointments, then he had forgotten his wallet to home, and had to pay with my 15 year old’s card, then he made new appointments which took even longer when they were already late. By the time they got home, Dd was crying and breathing hard and said it was too late to go to practice. She said she would get in trouble for being late and the coach would make her stay late and make up the sets she missed. I told her to go get on her suit. I’d fill up her water and text the coach that we were coming late, but would not be staying late to make up what she missed. Dd kept crying and arguing with me. I told her that the longer she argued, the later she would be. I knew that she would feel worse if she missed practice, so she was going. It ended up being such a non issue. She only missed a little dry land. She did feel better after seeing her friends and getting exercise and playing afterwards in the sunshine, and she gained another experience where her brain told her something was going to be horrible and she couldn’t handle it, but in reality, it was no problem at all. The more experiences she has like that, the less likely she is to believe the catastrophfying voice in her head. So I don’t expect a 27 year old coach to be an expert on trauma and child psychology, but it felt very dismissive to be told “You just need to try harder to be happy”. I will absolutely touch base with the coach this week and update her that Dd is going to be trying an elimination diet, and give her some techniques for helping Dd in the moment when she starts having trouble. Another issue is that even though she is 12, I usually stay on deck and watch her swim. Dh took her yesterday, because I was feeling congested, and I think that also threw her off, so she and I are starting to journal when we wake up, and when we go to bed, so we can brainstorm together what things make her feel better, and what things make her feel worse. She is ahead of the game because she at least recognizes the lies her brain tells her are lies. But my point is that a kid can have a lot of advantages, and be doing everything in their power together better, and still be struggling. Her breaking down is actually huge progress from her happy face, even if it doesn’t look like it to outsiders.

My 12 year old has PTSD. She has always had high anxiety but for the last 2 years, she has also had major depression disorder. Her psychiatrist has pin pointed the biggest issue. Two years ago, I took her to the book store as usual and we had a very stable, happy family. After the bookstore, my husband talked me into going to the ER to get my lingering shortness of breath figured out. I agreed, even though I really didn’t even feel sick, but it would be weeks before I would come home again. We are finally starting to recover now, but I went from never taking medicine and not even having a doctor to near death episodes, and advanced cancer diagnosis, 12 rounds of chemo, 5 surgeries, 2 broken bones and 2 weeks in ICU. She is my youngest, always homeschooled, super attached kid. She feels like she can never be happy again. She feels like she can never be safe again. She feels ashamed for not being stronger. She put on a happy face and survived all of the crises, but now that everything is getting better, she is just falling apart, because there is finally the space to do so. She is medicated. She is in therapy. She goes to bed on time every night. She exercises in the sunlight every day. She limits screen time, and yet, she still has PTSD. Yesterday, she started feeling sick when she was swimming. She told her coach she was dizzy and felt like she was going to throw up. She sat out for a minute, but then, rightfully, he coach asked her if she was upset about something to do with swimming or her preference. Dd said no, she had just been having a hard week. The coach said her dizziness was more likely due to her mental health rather than a physical ailment. As soon as Dd thinks about her mental health, or trauma, she breaks down. It isn’t a bad memory popping up. She is reliving it. She was 10 when I got sick and didn’t cry or act out for 2 years until everything has mostly resolved. I don’t know many adults who are that tough or determined. What does her coach tell her? She says we have to will ourselves to be happy. It won’t happen overnight, but if we try everyday to be happy, little by little it will happen. Dd was so upset by this advice. It is the opposite of helpful. Dd had another breakdown telling me about it. She said that she wants to give herself the best chance possible for getting better, and it is possible that something like food coloring in flavored chips is making her more emotionally unstable, so she wants to start a Whole Thirty on Monday. I already printed out a grocery list. She is constantly thinking and acting on what could help her get better. My point is that someone can be doing “everything right” and still suffer from mental illness. That doesn’t mean that they expect to be blissful every moment of the day. It doesn’t mean they are weak or lazy but the judgement from outsiders make it even more difficult for them to let go of their guilt and shame for having a problem. I’m not mad at her coach. She is just ignorant even though my daughter and I know that she cares and thinks she is being helpful. The point is that you can’t tell from the outside what people are going through. You can not tell from the outside how hard someone is trying every minute of every day, so maybe it would be better not to assume that if they just try a little harder they would be well. When I first told her coaches she had been diagnosed with PTSD, they said, “Well, she sure doesn’t look like it she is always smiling and joking with her friends”. I told them, “That is what they said about Robin Williams too.”