Our first house was 4,000 square feet, and I likes that even when we only had 3 kids. Our last 2 homes have been 3,500 feet and I want something bigger. I like to be at home rather than doing a bunch of running around and I get attached to my things. I want room to keep all of my sewing and spinning equipment set up and I want a big kitchen and room to set up toys for future grandkids and enough bedrooms for adult kids to move back in if they want to. It is all about opportunity cost to me. I’m willing to give up in a bunch of different areas to have a bigger house. I’m not sure if it will happen in my lifetime, but I sure hope so. In the meantime, when I feel dissatisfied, I clean and organize the house I have. It is so beautiful in so many ways. It would be perfect if I had 2 kids instead of 5.

When I was a teenager, my boss came up behind me when I was working. He pretended to rub my shoulders which creeped me out, but then he put his hand down my shirt and grabbed my breast. I jumped up and ran into the next office and locked myself in. I called his girlfriend who was the manager. She was out sick that day. She believed me, and rushed to the office to get me and drive me home. My mother, on the other hand, asked me what I was wearing. I was wearing baggy jeans, a t shirt, a button down shirt and a sweatshirt with tennis shoes and no make up. Why does that even matter? I quit my good job because I didn’t want to go back. Because I was a minor, my mother was on my savings account. She used that opportunity to spend all of the money I had saved when working. I know that the person who has been violated should choose how the incident is handled, but if something like that happened to one of my daughters, I would encourage them to file a report.

I have daughters about your daughters ages and only one of them is super fragile. Here is one recent example: we were watching an animated movie as a family. My 14 year old was going on about how much she hated a character. My 22 year old got so offended that she huffed off and didn’t watch the rest of the movie with us because that was a beloved character of hers. Now my 14 year old probably knew that and may have intentionally been pushing her buttons, but that that is kind of expected from a teenager in my house. No one over reacted to my older kids when they acted that way at 14. Personally, I can just let it slide. She did try to get my 11 year old to act like that, by coddling her about nonexistent slights. I put my foot down and said we are not going to allow my 11 year old to become so sensitive that no one wants to be around her because it just isn’t worth walking on eggshells all of the time. None of this hurts my feelings, but I see how my daughter is being hurt by her own actions. She was labeled “emotionally abusive” in her friend group because she told her roommate, “If I were you, I’d quit watching YouTube videos and study for your test tomorrow.” I was such a good mother and resisted saying, “How does it feel to be the bad guy for nothing but an causal comment.” I really don’t see this as being universal in their generation. My 26 year old is the toughest person I know. My hope is that my other adult daughter gets more mature and resilient friends when she graduates next month and gets out into the work force. I can’t help but have hope that she will grow out of some of these behaviors. She does have a counselor that she talks to every week, and I get a big boost when her counselor tells her something and she says, “That is exactly what my mom told me.”

I was able to vote around 11:00 with no line at all. A poll worker told me that it had been steady that way all day, but she was curious to see what the crowd will be like when people start getting off of work.

My 22 year old was bitten by a copperhead as a young child and had to be hospitalized. I would still get a snake as a pet for my 14 year old if she wanted one. I personally can’t see the appeal of a rat as a pet, even though my 2 best friends love them. I’m wondering if this comes down to what we see as the default situation. I think of families as including pets so I would need a very strong reason for not allowing a child to have their preferred pet. Someone else may see pets as superfluous to family life so there needs to be a pretty strong reason to include one.

I would also make a plan to keep everyone’s belongings safe. When we got our Maltese, she had a playpen in the kitchen with enough room for her food, water, pee pad, and bed. If she wasn’t being held or on a leash, she had to be in the playpen. Next, we put baby gates up in the kitchen and she could be loose in there. She didn’t get free house roaming privileges for her entire first year, but she is beautifully behaved and completely house broken now. Several friends got puppies the same month we did. They thought we were going to way too much trouble. The dogs are now 2 years old, and theirs are still having issues.

I think we have all of them, and I wouldn’t say one stands out as the best. If I was giving it as a gift, I’d include an inexpensive food scale because the recipes use weight rather than volume.

This is interesting to me, because my first thought was that I would never allow one of my children to be so selfish as to put their fear above their sibling’s getting a dog. Now I can see that selfishness is in the eye of the beholder, and it can just as easily be seen the way that you see it.

I once sent my oldest a picture of the puppy I had just bought and she was so not on board that she refused to even answer me. I think she was afraid that I would pick one with a bad temperament. I ended up letting her pick the puppy, then I paid to have the puppy stay with her parents for 12 weeks so that she had the best foundation. She turned out to be a great dog. I got my 14 year old a Maltese when she turned 12. She wanted one mixed with poodle, but my husband was against what he imagines is a poodle personality, so we compromised. In your position, I would have your middle child do a ton of research about what breed she is interested in and decide if that breed would be a good fit in your family. I would absolutely not deny her a dog because her sister is scared. I’m not patient about things like that at all. I would consider this an opportunity for her to learn not to be afraid of dogs. For me, it depends on the maturity of the child. My 14 year old takes total care of her dog. My 22 year old is not as good at caring for her pets. My almost 11 year old wants a soft-coated wheaten terrier for her 12th birthday. We will need to work closely with the breeder to make sure it is compatible with the Maltese. I would absolutely get a dog, but I’d spend some time making sure that the one you get is just right for your family.

I have a 9th grader doing Algebra but she is homeschooled so her situation is a little different. She doesn’t want us to help her. She works a problem and then immediately checks it with the answer key and only goes on to the next one if she the previous one right. Sometimes she reworks it and still doesn’t understand how to get the right answer. In those cases, she uses the “Photomath” app it tells her the answer, which she already knows from the key. Then it shows her how to work the problem. This has been working well for her because when I test her, she is really understanding the concepts and procedures. My oldest has a math disability and we always had to have an outside tutor for her. Her worst semester was when her math class was online because she would get a correct but in a form that wasn’t in the exact form that the computer wanted. The main reason I became a homeschooler was because I couldn’t imagine trying to get appropriate services from the public school. Good luck. I know it isn’t easy.

I’m trying to understand what I can do better as a friend. I think my expectations may be off because I have people who I *think* are perfectly happy always being the one to always initiate contact. I have one friend from Jr High school who calls me every week or 2. I doubt I’ve ever called him. When we lived closer he would call and say he was in the areas, let’s grab lunch. Now we just talk on the phone to visit. It appears that we are both happy with this arrangement. This may make me less sensitive to the person who is always reaching out. I have thought that I need to call my best friend this week, because the last time we talked, she was doing huge favors for me. I don’t want her to think I am only interested when I need something. My adult kids have told me that they have a hard time staying in contact with close friends once they move away. I tell them to make contact, even if it sounds stupid such as texting and saying “Can you believe my cat just did this weird thing.” Or “I’m working on this paper and it reminded me of that class we were in.” They have actually had good luck with just letting friends know they are thinking of them without actually having anything profound to share. For myself, I get overwhelmed easily. In school, I was happy with 2 close girlfriends and my gang of guy friends. I can see why the other girls thought I was stuck up. I was just at my limit of social interaction. In retrospect, I can see how I could have handled it better, but I think I just assumed they were all happy with their social circles too, so I didn’t have any obligation to be more inclusive. In Texas, we were on one neighborhood swim team for 19 years. I only made a couple of friends, but I never felt the desire for more. There was one mom there that I didn’t know, but she had this brilliant preschooler in the stands. I asked if she planned on putting him in the local school for Kinder, because I didn’t think he would be a good fit. I ended up giving her a copy of TWTM, and she has become one of my closest confidants. I was with her when her husband died. And even though she is across the country, she is planning to visit me soon. And that preschooler is a nuclear physicist now. Another mom approached me at the end of the season and told me she had been new and my daughter made her children’s experience so special and was so welcoming that she had to meet me. She has also become a decades long friend, often doing all of the work to fly out and visit as well as always being the one who calls and makes plans. So, again, I was happy with just having 2 close friends and probably appeared unwelcoming to everyone else without realizing it. When we moved here, 4 years ago, the swim team had a inner core group that are very close. They do most of the work and function as a family. It was a shock to me to find out that there are families on the team who have been trying to break into the in group for 10 years and not been successful. They are super polite and warm to everyone at functions but there is always an after party or meal after an event that only a select few are invited to. I’ve wondered if this counted as a clique, but sometimes there is someone new who is immediately welcomed in. I think I just have a habit of being in relationships where I let the other person do most of the work, and I’m aware enough of how the people outside of my own little cluster are feeling. So I’m thankful for this thread because I have some things to work on.

So sorry! What a disappointment for everyone.

I have 2 kids like this. I remember my brother being totally out of control. Then he would eat almost an entire roast and turn into the happiest kid ever. I keep a “snack cart.” with things that they can grab quickly 24 hours a day for a quick fix. I make eggs and either bacon or sausage every morning. I try to get them to eat one more meal, but I don’t force them to eat.(obviously) They are very thin but athletic and need quite a few calories a day, but it is hard to get it in them.

I got up at 4:00 am to make my 14 year old’s oatmeal and latte before 6:00 swim practice. She can’t eat closer to practice or she throws up. She can’t practice without eating or she passes out. I swam for an hour during her practice. I came home and did a writing lesson with 2 different kids and then headed back to the pool for my 10 year old’s practice while Dh too 14 year old to the orthodontist. I knew that her mouth would be sore, so the second I walked back in the door, I started cooking some spaghetti for her because it is a soft food that isn’t bland. Well, Dh asked her what would make her feel better and she said tea from Starbucks. He texted me to see if that was alright and if anybody else wanted anything from Starbucks. I was so focused on cooking dinner that I forgot to take my phone out of my purse when I got home. Dh said, ”I might as well do some grocery shopping While we wait for Mom to text back.” So according to my 14 year old, he spent 2 hours buying groceries and forgot completely to buy her Starbucks and made her get home too late to FaceTime her friend before his swim practice. So she is too upset to eat the spaghetti I made her. I told her, “I’m sorry you got such a sucky mom.” She said, “I thought I could count on you, of ALL people to keep their phone on them!” It is a good thing she is my 4th teen and not my first, or I might not survive her.

Dd 26 will get some nice new knitting needles and a quilt I made out of her grandpa’s funny T-shirts. Ds 24 will get a new Switch because a “friend” stole his. Dd 22 will get an waterproof micro tablet. She got me one to celebrate my completing chemo and it really is nice to be able to listen to music when we swim. Dd 14 wants her own MacBook but will probably get clothes instead. Dd 10 will get books. I think we are getting a new treadmill for a family gift and my 22 year old is sewing PJs for us to all open on Christmas Eve.

I see complaining as sometimes being a substitute for working on the actual problem or taking action. I got irritated on Friday. We had a swim meet and marshals actually have an important job to make sure everyone follows the rules and stays safe. Some people think they are doing the job if they just show up and are a warm body. One mom used the time to get her steps in. She just power walked in a circle the whole time and never looked at the pool once. I could have spent the whole rest of the day bitching about it, because that is how I felt. Instead, I started thinking about how to make things run more smoothly next time. I’m going to write up exact instructions for each post. If anyone doesn’t follow directions, I’m going to start hand picking my own team of people I know will take the job seriously and I’ll have them entered into the computer before the job slots become available to the whole team. I’m also checking in with a few other people and asking them to keep me honest and tell me if I start just picking the people I enjoy. Because of Covid, only the people with jobs get to be on the pool deck and see their kids swim, so there is a ton of competition for the job slots. Once I started trying to find a solution, I didn’t feel the desire to complain any longer. I realize that there is not a silver lining for every tragedy, but I admire people who are motivated to do something positive with their pain. There is a family here in town who lost their daughter who loved Christmas. So they have decorated their yard very over the top and every weekend in December Santa is there to talk to local kids. Seeing the joy that it brings others doesn’t make up for their loss. It doesn’t take away their pain, but it helps them not become bitter and just dwell on the senselessness of it. I agree that grieving and complaining are very different. I also realize that not every problem has a solution. Sometimes what has to change is me.

My best friend used to live next door to me. Our houses flooded in a tropical storm. She remembers being so distraught before I yelled out the upstairs window and invited her to come over and sit in a play kitchen chair and eat pizza and look at decorating magazines and pick out our new paint colors and floor coverings. She says it is the day that changed her life because she saw that what we experience really is colored by how we choose to see it. But I need her pragmatic side too. I told Dh to make sure she has all of his passwords because if he dies, she will need those to take care of me. LOL.

That is why I tried to frame it as being born an optimist and not as a virtue issue. I see the glass half full. I don’t need to pretend it is all the way full. I know that life can be tragic, but I can still focus on the positive. Earlier this year, I was in the hospital with 3 potentially fatal conditions at once. When I went into surgery, the anesthesiologist told me that the surgery was dangerous and they didn’t have the tools to revive me if things started going south. I wasn’t really prepared for that. I thought it was more routine. I got worried for my kids, but immediately thought, “Fortunately, they have many other people who love them and will take care of them. Fortunately, I just spent time with 2 of my favorite friends. If that is my last day alive, it was a good one!” The nurses asked if I was getting a permanent colostomy bag. I said, “Who knows, but if I do, it will be fine.” This doesn’t mean that I never grieve. It just means that I have an unshakable belief that in the end, my story will end in fortunately.

So thankful for the kindness of strangers. My husband was once hit so hard that the front wheel flew off of my suburban. He was in shock, and couldn’t figure out why he couldn’t steer. A woman, traveling alone at night stopped on the freeway and got him out of the car before he was hit again. She risked her own life for a stranger. I can’t even imagine.

I just bought myself a new copy. Unfortunately, I still have an internal port because my cancer is likely to return or to spread. Fortunately, that port came with a rubber bracelet. I don’t have to go look for something to move from wrist to wrist. I really think I was born to be an optimist, but it helps me to choose to practice the habit too!

I think of complaints as implying that there is no plan on how to change things in the future. When I imagine the chronic complainer, I see them continuing to complain about the same things time after time. I don’t see them taking action to get a different outcome. There is a children’s book that I love called “Fortunately” . When I was a classroom teacher, I used it as a templet for writing, but now I see it as a templet for my own life. Unfortunately, I had a mother with mental illness. Fortunately, it taught me how not to treat my own children. Unfortunately, my mother gave me an alcoholic, abusive stepfather. Fortunately, this helped me choose the most loving, nurturing husband in the world. Unfortunately, I had multiple miscarriages. Fortunately, I was able to still have 5 children who are my favorite people in the world. It doesn’t mean that bad things didn’t happen and don’t still happen. It just means that I can choose to dwell on the positive and when something unfortunate happens, I continue to ask myself, “What can I do to turn this into a fortunately?”

I spent the day filling treat bags for our swim team. Next week, I’ll wear my pumpkin costume and hand out treats to swimmers after they have their costume contest, in small groups and masked and outdoors. Parents are also donating prepackaged treats. I’m happy about this, because I think if we canceled our Halloween celebration, our kids would have resorted to house parties instead. Saturday night, we will stay home and watch movies. I may have Dh buy a bag of candy in case some kids come to the door.

Praying now!

I agree completely with you on this. I wouldn’t call time out for a 4 year old punishment. It just didn’t work for me. 10 years ago I put my 4 year old in time out. Somehow, she snuck into the kitchen and got bacon and put herself back in time out. Then she opined about how she was never going to leave time out because time out has the very very best bacon. So the next time I put her in time out in her room. She locked her bedroom door. She just kept riding her bouncy horse in her room and waving happily at us through her window. I had to leave and let my oldest talk her into unlocking the window so we could climb in and unlock her door. That is probably the same time that I decided we needed to be on the same team. LOL!

Dreamergal, I’m so glad I read your post. I have 4 daughters who have all had waist length hair. I tease that if I could get back all of the hours I spend washing, conditioning, brushing, braiding hair, I’d live an extra 10 years. We usually put on a movie that would take their mind off of the brushing when we were detangling. Sometimes they would pick an older sister to help do their hair. They are sweet memories now. OP, I grew up in a home full of conflict, and I said,”I’m not living this way when I grow up.” I just refuse to. I made it a point to never punish my kids. I didn’t have to. We are on the same team. So if something in the home isn’t working, we brainstorm. I talk about what my goal is. I check in. Is that their goal too? Where are we going wrong? What could we try as a remedy? How long will we try before checking in again ? It is modeling how to be team. And how to problem solve too. If your daughter truly enjoys learning, like I’m sure she does, that can be it’s own motivation. If a lesson isn’t working, you can say, “Let’s pick this back up again tomorrow.” And she will probably be ready then. I would not want to turn something you two enjoy doing together into a power struggle.