If I had a friend in this situation, I would suggest they see a therapist to discuss the situation. There's honestly nothing I want the people I am no-contact with to know about me or my feelings at this point. I don't want to do the emotional labor of "fixing" anything. I just want them to leave me alone and move on with their lives.

I don't have a word, but I have a theme: Make life easier. I've gotten caught up in the "Shoulds", and it's made life harder than it needs to be.

No mishaps exactly. MIL's demeanor seemed a little chilly when she stopped by on Christmas Eve because we didn't go to her Christmas party the weekend prior. She planned a multi-day event 3.5 hours away from us, and was upset that she couldn't nag DH into going. We've told her again and again that everyone is more than welcome to come here, but we are NOT going to Houston to SILs house. It's too far, it's too expensive (we'd have to get a hotel and board our animals), and DH and SIL don't even like each other, so there's no point in going. DH hates MILs Christmas party anyway, because it's always a clusterf*ck. Honestly, DH doesn't like spending a lot of one-on-one time with MIL. He has his reasons for that, and it's not up to me to change his mind or fix their relationship. I just follow his lead. Rather than acknowledging any of that, MIL has been insinuating that I am keeping DH from seeing his family. 🙄 Yes, that must be it.

Skip the KA. You won't use it. Find the gift receipt and send it back to Amazon for something you will use. I have a KA, and I used it a lot when I first got it. I lived closer to my family then, and they liked coming over for home cooked food. It almost never gets used now, We live near the inlaws, who don't like home cooked food. It seems like a big hassle to use for just me, DH, and kiddo.

When we lived in Chicago, TSO would always play so early in the season. It never occurred to me to get tickets then, because I wasn't feeling Christmasy in early November. In Texas, they play right before Christmas, which is great! But it always coincides with MIL's Christmas party. So we couldn't go because she wanted us at the party. Declining the invite was always a HUGE deal, so no TSO for us. 😞 But I don't care anymore. I am getting tickets and she can schedule her party for another day if our attendance is so critical.

I got a robot vacuum and love it! I have about 1300 sq ft of tile in my house and 3 pets. Despite sweeping 2-3 times a day, the floor still always felt grubby/gritty to me. But this thing is doing a great job! The floor feels smooth and not gritty at all. Even DH commented that he could feel the difference.

We are going to see Trans Siberian Orchestra next year. I've wanted to go every year for 13 years, and there's always some reason we can't go. Instead of asking "Can we go this year?" and finding out no, we can't go, I'm going to tell everyone "I bought tickets for TSO on this date. We are going", and people can make their holiday party plans around that.

London. I'm going to London!

For me, it depends on what the goal is. Forcing a kid on a path to being a doctor or concert pianist if they have no interest isn't right, but I don't feel much guilt in insisting that my son learn to write clearly. I do think that you can demonstrate the benefits of slogging through the boring bits. My son has asked me why I clean the house if I don't feel like it.? Why does daddy go to work if he doesn't feel like it? Well, it feels good in the short term to dodge those responsibilities, but doing so causes bigger problems long term. It's nice to live in a clean house, and it's nice to have plenty of books, toys, and a home to live in, which is what daddy's paycheck provides. Same for exercise. I don't really ever want to do it, but it benefits me long term, so on to the treadmill I go!

Yes, I was thinking about this earlier. I know several homeschoolers who are just sort of floating around, doing nothing in particular. Their schooling is an inch deep and a mile wide. I think that is fine for the early years, if your idea is to introduce the kids to a lot of different ideas and activities to see what sticks or where the child's strengths lie. Show the kids as much of the world as you possibly can, and see what catches their eye. Spend some time on the things that really interest them. The inch deep, mile wide education I'm seeing really bugs me. The kids aren't doing anything in particular with their time. They just sort of drift around and watch YouTube.

Diving deep into a meaty rabbit trail. 😛

That's the key to this, then. It sounds like he's at maximum capacity, too. I've had moments where I hear some sort of ruckus in the next room, and I think "I'm just going to pretend that isn't happening. Maybe they'll handle it and I won't have to help". It usually happens when I've been sick or had a lot on my plate. Should I offer to help without being asked in those times? Probably. Yet I don't always do it because I'm teetering on the edge of a meltdown. Is there anything that you and your husband can do to free up some down time for yourselves? Anything you can streamline or do less? Is there anything meal prep you can do in advance to streamline the rest of your week? I've started making several day's worth of pb&j sandwiches and putting them in ziplocks in the fridge. I also started meal-prepping 5 days worth of meals at a time. None of what I am making is complicated or involves exotic ingredients. Not having to make a decision every single flipping day about what we'll eat has released SO much stress from my life.

Don't hate me, but I've already got my 2020 gift list started extended family. After scrambling to come up with the "perfect" gift for some hard-to-please relatives, I went ahead and created a private Amazon list called "Christmas 2020". I added notes for each item detailing who the gift was for. Now I have a ballpark budget for next year, and there will be no last minute scramble. I will add a few alternate gift ideas for each person, in case the original idea is no longer carried by Amazon. We live far away from everyone, so everything has to be shipped. Not having the pressure of trying to come up with the "perfect" gift during a busy time will be very nice. Click, click, done! Last year, I wrote out Christmas cards for my relatives for *this years* Christmas. All I had to do this year was pull them out of the box and put a stamp on them. I filled them out a few days after last Christmas, while I was still feeling all holly-jolly, lol. I'm really glad I did that! Everyone got a card and felt remembered, and I didn't feel bad that I was rushing to mail cards.

"Meaty". I see that a lot in the homeschooling world, in reference to whether a curriculum has enough depth to challenge the kids.

I think "high output" often masquerades as "rigor" in some education circles. I don't require nearly as much written output as many other homeschoolers I know. I know a lot of kids that spend hours every day churning out quizzes, tests, book reports, narrations, lap books, essays, worksheets, and on and on. The quantity of work the kids produce is impressive and sometimes intimidating. I don't see these kids really engaged with what they are producing, however. There doesn't seem to be any lasting love of the material. They churn out piles of paper evidence of a high quality education, but once "school hours" are over, it's set aside and forgotten until the next scheduled session. It's nothing more than a pile of stuff to get through each day. I'm not really interested in that version of rigor because it feels very tedious, IMO. It's very "box-check-y": Do the spelling test, then do your grammar page, then read this chapter, then flip to page 82 and answer the questions, then colour this map, then...ugh. Like a previous poster, if we have too many topics to cover in a day, the material feels tedious and like one more thing to slog through. I try to keep our day's studies to 3 topics and we really dig into them. We study math and language arts topics daily, (we use MCT and rotate through poetry, grammar, and vocabulary). The third daily topic changes: history, science, art, chess, art history, latin, literature, logic, philosophy. Lately we've been talking a lot about history and listening to the History of English podcast. We've been reading about different artists and spending time in art museums. Kiddo cannot write a 5 paragraph essay. I know a lot of his peers can do that, and there are probably people reading this right now and gasping. About a million years ago, my 5 paragraph essay on "How to Build a Tree Swing" earned me a spot in a fancy Talented Youth program, (which I flunked out of, because back then the program was a lot of box check-y, high output stuff that I could not care less about. The director wrote my mother a very polite letter saying perhaps the program wasn't a good fit for me, lol). Honestly, why would anyone want to read an essay about that? Why would anyone want to write an essay about that? It's the sort of topic that adults pick for kids to write about because they haven't shown kids anything worth writing about. Why do we make children write about things no one cares about or wants to read? What a waste of time! My version of a deep, meaningful education is filling my child's day's with lots of really cool things and experiences, so that when he has to write, he'll have knowledge and experience that is worth writing about.

Can you upgrade any of the stuff he already owns? Could he use a storage cabinet/work surface for his 3D printing projects? Harbor Freight has these "mechanic's carts", but you don't necessarily have to store tools in them. He could store other random hobby related items in it. Cart Do you have a game shop nearby? You could try going there and telling them specifics of what he has and likes, and see what they say. They probably have some sort of RPG thing that he doesn't have yet. Speaking of RPGs, does he like Car Wars? The 6th edition is coming out via Kickstarter. Maybe you could buy into it now for when it releases? Car Wars Does he like any kind of board game? Maybe a few Euro style games from the local game shop? Video games? Would he like a Nintendo Switch and a few games?

Wow, I'm glad to hear about this product. Aaaaahhhh, I've noticed this happening with our clothes, too! I had one cat in particular who's fur would get woven into socks. I have no idea how this happens! I'm going to add these products to my Amazon list. I love my pets, but the fur and hair makes me crazy.

I'd be a little sad, but I'd get over it eventually. Kiddo is named after my dad, and if kiddo decides later on that the name doesn't work for him anymore, I'll get over it. He's still my kid, no matter how he signs his checks.

Mine does this from allergies. It once got so annoying that the doctor gave me eye drops for it. It was a long time ago, so I don't remember what the drops were. 😕

Husband asks for a wish list on Amazon. I know he gets most things on it. He usually finds a surprise or two for me, as well.

I'll eat them if I really want a sandwich. DH won't eat them. I usually just give them to the chickens.

Hmm, interesting. I'm not sure. He was very young when they got married. He and my mother had an affair. She took me and left my father for stepfather. Stepfather was only 20 when he met my mother. I was 2. It would not surprise me if she spun him a tale of woe about how her life was hard and terrible because of me and my dad. Being 20 and inexperienced, he probably felt like he was rescuing her from everyone who mistreated her. My dad said she'd told him a similar tale when he met her: everyone was mean, she was a sad victim, won't someone please save her, etc. Mother was nicer to me when I was little, but stepfather was mean. As I grew up, the roles switched. He was nicer, but she got meaner. There were a lot of times growing up that I thought my mother was very nasty to him, and he once admitted he considered leaving her. He and mother never had children together. I wonder if he regrets that choice now that he is older. I don't want to paint him as a really sympathetic character. When mother and I argued over the years, he was quick to defend her and call me vile names or threaten to throw me out of the house. He used to tell me I was only living in his house as a kindness to my mother, and that he didn't owe me anything. Then he'd turn around and buy me some expensive gizmo from the store. He's a jerk for a lot of other very serious reasons I won't go in to. I put the steaks in the deep freezer. I will ignore them until after New Years and then decide if I want to respond. Maybe I'll donate everything to the food bank and send a "thank you" card saying a donation has been made in their name, lol! Thank you, everyone.

Yes, my husband doesn't totally *get* it. His mom is often tricky to deal with, (she has some mental health issues), but she's not mean at her core. She's unpredictable, but nice. My mom is unpredictable, but often mean. Some years, she's sent a $20 gift. Other years, she's sent nothing. Yet other years, she sends a $200 check (written by her) and then also stepfather sends the steaks. Then the next year, we're back to nothing. This year, we're back to steaks. Since mother equates gifts with how people feel about her and how she feels about other people, this whole event is unnerving. I walked out of my front door to get the mail, saw the delivery box on my step, and wanted to kick it across the lawn. I wish the food bank was open this weekend. I'd bring everything over there. I'm sure they are getting the Omaha gift on some kind of sale. That's fine; I don't care about how much someone spends. It just strikes me as funny, because when someone else gets them a gift on sale, mother is up in arms about it, and takes it as an insult. When she gets someone a gift on sale? She is pleased as punch and talks about how smart she is with money.

My stepfather was a real ugly jerk to me in the early years of their marriage, but did "soften" in later years. By then, I felt like it it was too little, too late, (that's a whole other story). He does have a very awkward execution, though. He once sent me a photo of small gifts I'd given him over the years: crafts I did as a kid, a mug I gave him, etc. There was no letter, no note. Just a picture of everything he'd saved and rounded up to photograph, then mail to me. I guess that is supposed to mean "I am thinking of you. See, you mattered to me!" But it's so awkward and weird. Then I feel mean for not wanting the responsibility of decoding these oddball messages.

This is a very confusing and complicated situation. I have no idea what to make of it. This is very long. Please be kind! I really have tried very, very hard to "fix" this broken relationship. Some background, for context: I have not spoken to my mother or stepfather in about 3 years. This was their choice, not mine. My mother has estranged herself from everyone in our family: her elderly aunts and uncles, her cousins, her brothers, nieces, nephews. I was the last person she still spoke with. There was no big fight or "event" that caused the estrangement. She's done a slow fade from everyone's life for the last 10 years. She never told one of her brothers that she was moving from NY to Florida. She changed her phone number and didn't tell anyone for several months. My uncle was in the hospital with pneumonia and nearly died. She very grudgingly and angrily called him to see how he was doing, only because her other brother kept calling and pestering her about it. When my grandmother, (her own mother!), had a stroke, my mom never bothered to tell me about it or go visit her mother. I found out about the stroke because I called my grandmother to say Happy Thanksgiving and Nanny told me she was sad and upset that my mother never even called to see how she was doing, (this was several years ago). My mom and I had a big fight over that, because I told her she needed to get her ass to NY and see her mother. My mom's excuse for not going? "Well, I just don't feel well. I have a cold". She's always whined her way out of family events or stressful situations by claiming she is "too sick" to do visit, participate, make a phone call, stay in contact, etc. Older relatives have died and been buried and she never bothers to say anything about it until weeks after the fact. "Oh by the way, your stepfather's dad died. We buried him 3 weeks ago". Then she goes on to complain about how hard her life is because she has to help pack up her FILs belongings to sell. I offered to help her find an estate sale company to do the work if it was all too much for her. She quickly declined the offer, but kept on complaining about what a hardship FILs death was on her because now she had all this work to do. There was ZERO words of sympathy for my stepfather who just lost his father. Only complaints about how much of a pain in the butt FIL had been in life and how much work she had due to his death. As if his death was something he did deliberately to annoy her. My attempts at remaining in contact with my mother have gotten me nowhere. I check up on them when hurricanes are heading their way; when I finally get a hold of mom, she's annoyed and bemused that I'm calling. Mostly annoyed. I've periodically called, texted, sent emails, sent cards. When she and my stepfather have had health issues, I have told them point blank "Please tell me what I can do to help you. Please keep me informed, so I can find ways to best support you through this". I am met with silence. Not even "Thanks, but we're fine". I get no response at all. If she does respond to any of my attempts at contact, she sounds annoyed, like I am bothering her. I dread calling her because she's so negative. She complains, she whines, she makes snotty little comments about my life. She has not seen my son, her only grandchild, in 7 years. She never asks to speak to him on the phone, never sends him a birthday card, never acknowledges he's alive other than to make a snide comment here and there that her dog is probably better behaved than my son. My mother is the kind of person that keeps score about gifts. She'll complain bitterly if you don't spend enough money on her. My step-uncle once bought us tickets to see Cats in NYC. It was our Christmas gift, and he took us out to lunch. My mother complained the whole ride home that he probably got the tickets super cheap through the Navy Base Exchange, and somehow that wasn't fair in her mind, because she'd spent $100 on a gift for him and he probably only spent $80 on those tickets (this was many years ago), so he was getting off cheap, he's such a cheapskate because he does all his shopping at the base exchange, it's not fair, blah blah blah. Lady, the appropriate response is "Thank you! That was so generous of you!", and not to keep a running tab of expenses. So all of this is to demonstrate that my mother is a...highly difficult person. There is a lot more I could say, but I'm not going to unload 47 years of her nonsense here. She's just really difficult, very negative, and I honestly never really know where I stand with her. Does she like me? I have no idea, truly. Does she love me? Eh, it's hard to say. Maybe? I feel like people should know, one way or the other, whether or not their mother likes or loves them. I really have no idea. My dad is a train wreck in a lot of ways, but I absolutely know that he loves me. My half-sisters? They love me. Aunts and Uncles? They love me. My son and husband? Yep, they love me. My MIL? Yeah, I think she loves me, in her own way. My mother? Eh....I don't know how to answer that. The fact that I *dont* know is really hard to take. After last Christmas, I decided I would stop reaching out to her. I called her and stepfather on Christmas and they never called me back. The last time we spoke on the phone was Christmas 2016, so 3 years now. I simply cannot be the only person carrying this relationship. It wears me down mentally and emotionally. I would LOVE to have a mother that I can call and chat with, someone who shows up in my life when I need them. I don't have that person. I have...this other person, this one that acts vaguely irritated I exist. I didn't tell her when I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease, because she wouldn't have anything nice or comforting to say. She'd probably just complain that she had a cold and didn't feel well, and oh it's so hard to be her. I went through some really, really hard times 2 years ago and could have used the support of a mother. I didn't bother calling her, because I knew she would not be there for me. Yet...every year for Christmas, I get a gift basket from Omaha Steaks from her and my stepfather. Just...WHY?! Why send it!? She doesn't want to talk to me, she seems annoyed that I exist, she's condescending to me. She hardly knows my husband or son. She doesn't send gifts to her brothers. Her brothers got so fed up with her that one never even told her he moved, (the one that had been hospitalized for pneumonia). He'd been sending her gifts for her birthday and Christmas for years, and she never said thanks or reciprocated. She never acknowledged the gifts, but always cashed the checks they sent. I didn't send a gift to her last Christmas. My husband disagreed with me and said I should send one, because they always send the Omaha Steaks gift. I don't want the steaks. I can't send them back, and I really just wish they'd stop sending them. Like, why even bother? What is the point of it? Why send a gift to someone you don't want a relationship with? Or is this the extent of the relationship? We send an annual holiday gift but never speak? Because that's weird. I didn't send her anything for Christmas this year. Do I now have to go out and find a last minute gift for her? Because I really don't want to. That feels hard and mean, but I don't. My husband works hard for his paycheck and I don't want to spend money on people that don't like us. Or me. Maybe they like him and not me. I have no idea. The gift basket never comes addressed to me. It comes addressed to my husband with the sender listed as my stepfather. My name isn't anywhere on it. WHAT THE HECK?