What activities do your kids do that has enabled them to make friends?

[gandpsmommy]

We live in a small, rural community about an hour away from a big city, half an hour away from a small city. I'm trying to think of any activities I could get my 5.5yo ds involved in over the next year to help him have the opportunity to interact with other kids in a group setting and make some friends.

 

Dd does competitive gymnastics. She has to be at three-hour-long practices three times a week, so she gets to know her teammates and has friends on the team. But this is the only activity she has to make friends, too. We tried girl scouts for her, but it didn't turn out to be a real way to make friends since they only met once a month and all the girls already knew each other.

 

So, what are some ways your young kids have made friends? We don't have any co-ops nearby; we would have to drive an hour to get to one. And most of them are faith-based, while we are not religious.

 

Dh and I are really concerned about ds because he doesn't seem to know how to interact with other kids (growls at them, chases them) and he only has two kids that he calls friends. One of them is 3.5 years older and we mainly see him in the summer, the other is 2.5 years older and only lives with his dad (our neighbor) part of the time, so we also mainly see him in the spring and summer. Neither one of them is what I would consider a really good friend for him. They're both so much older and they both have lots of other friends at school.

 

Dd's only friends are at gymnastics. Right now that's great for her because she gets to see them at least three times a week, they share the fun experiences of competing together, and they are all very nice girls. She has had some of them come over to spend the night once and she's having all of them over for her birthday soon. But, in an activity like this that requires so much time and money, it is inevitable that girls will drop out over time. As they get older, a lot of girls get involved in other sports/activities and don't have time to do it or their parents can't afford it anymore. So, I'd like for her to have other ways to make friends, too.

 

Any ideas are welcome.

[SquirrellyMama]

My kids friends are mainly through church or the ones in our neighborhood. My kids to 4H and TaeKwondo but they don't really have any friendships from those two activities.

[MamaT]

Most of my dc's friends participate in the same sports that they do. Like your dd, my 9yo dd's friends are all at gymnastics. She is now there 16 hours a week. My 12yo dd's friends are at dance. She is there 12 hours a week. My 10yo ds's friends are on his baseball team. My 15yo has made friends with everyone his age in our small town! He is just a natural people person and kids are drawn to him. We have 3-4 boys his age over here at least 3-4 days a week. They just show up after ps is out. My three youngest also have friends at a co-op we do once a week, but not close friends.

 

Would your son enjoy baseball? That has been an excellent opportunity for my son to make friends. What about 4-H? They have lots of different groups kids can join. Does this city you live near have homeschool classes at a science museum or art museum? Our city is not very large, but when we weren't so busy, my kids had these kinds of classes with other homeschoolers.

 

HTH

[Mom0012]

We've made friends through trips to the playground, the pool, through participation in a field trip group, community bible study, and swimming lessons. When my kids were littler, it was a piece of cake to pick up friends just by hanging out at the playground or through the preschool they attended. Now, it is a little harder.

 

What I find is that if one of my children hits it off with another child, I have to immediately step out of my comfort zone and approach the other mom and see if it's possible to get the kids together -- whether I want to or not.:tongue_smilie: There aren't always that many opportunities to do that, so I try not to miss them. My daughter will specifically ask me and push me to talk to the other mom. My son will not think of it, so I just have to notice he likes someone.

 

I try to help each of my kids maintain 2 - 3 friendships at a time. To me, that is plenty.

 

Lisa

[stripe]

I second the idea for sports, neighbors, 4H, playground encounters, nonacademic classes/groups (art?); also, can you set him up with the children of any friends of yours? Sometimes my kids have found other nice kids at library events, but I don't know, if yours is small, if it has many activities.

[snickelfritz]

I know our area has a program for the younger set. I think it's called clover buds, or something cute like that. But with meetings and then high-interest projects, it might be a good way to meet someone with similar interests.

 

What else is your ds interested in doing?

 

I think a team sport like baseball or soccer would be more conducive to forming a friendship. Those teams often stay together for multiple years.

 

I have found with our choices of dance and gymnastics, at the end of each session, people mostly choose different classes based on schedules. We rarely have the same people in her class twice. I think that will change as she gets older and starts to get into the the leveled program, but it hasn't been an automatic way for us to make friendships. And now that everyone else is in school, they are all busy.

[Chris in VA]

We live in the woods on 40 acres of church land--our next door neighbors inhabit the cemetery. Pretty quiet.

While dd's friends have mostly come from church, we did have success meeting people at girl scouts. We found a homeschooled group, and have sort of maintained friendships with the leader's two girls. SHe also led a nature walk once a month at a nearby park, so that provided 3 times a month to get together. We found that activities like sports or classes don't provide enough free time within the structure to actually get to know each other. Scouts, OTOH, had the girls talking to each other, working together on projects, and playing games and going places. There was time within the structure to form friendships. We dropped out because of some conflict with the national organization, but really liked the specific troop we were in.

 

I'd encourage you to find a scout troop for your son. Tigers don't usually meet as often as cubs, but it wouldn't be long before he'd probably have weekly meetings. The Boy Scouts as an organization is really healthy--although troops vary.

 

Another good place, maybe for your dd, is theater and drama. She may not have time to participate in a play, but it is the kind of activity that fosters close relationships.

 

Good luck!

[gandpsmommy]

Thanks for all the ideas. I'll have to look into 4-H. I didn't know they could start into it at this age. That might be a good option for ds.

 

He is really passionate about science and nature, especially rocks, fossils, minerals, and crystals. He also love reptiles and amphibians. He likes doing outdoor activities, such as fishing, hunting, looking for arrowheads, and just playing outside. He would be so happy to meet another little boy who was interested in these sorts of things. He collects rocks, fossils, and crystals, as well as Native American artifacts. We go to a nature club, but it only meets once a month and is very activity-focused, without much opportunity for interaction.

 

They both played spring soccer this year, but it wasn't the sort of thing that was conducive to forming friendships. Ds wants to play t-ball, but it's just once or twice a week for an hour, so it doesn't seem likely that he will really get to know any of the kids there.

 

It seemed so much easier in our old town because it was a small college town. Families were constantly moving in as new professor were hired, graduate students came, etc. The library was a great social hub where families interacted and got to know each other. There was a community center with activities for the kids. And it just seemed easier to get to know new kids.

 

Here we are 30 min. away from all activities and it just seems so much harder. I have forced myself out of my comfort zone to approach other moms about getting together but so far it hasn't lead to much.

 

I'm starting to feel like we're in an impossible situation. It sometimes seems as if we live in an intellectual vacuum. And it just seems as if we don't meet kids who have the same kinds of interests as our ds. We play at the playground, go to the pool a lot in the summer, go to hs art classes at the art museum and nature classes at the nature center. We have tried a lot of things, but nothing seeems to work. I am very happy that dd has her good friends at gymnastics, but dh is really worried about what will happen over the next few years if she doesn't make more friends somewhere else and most of the girls drop out.

[AprilTN]

Inviting people over to our house has worked for us. I usually invite two families at a time. That way, the other two moms and I can chat. It's easier to keep the conversation going with three people instead of two when you don't know each other very well.

 

Attending the homeschool park day has worked. We meet people new to the area or hsers that we haven't spent time with before.

 

What has NOT worked was ballet class, soccer teams, or field trips. We just don't seem to connect to others in those settings.

[lionfamily1999]

Have you tried scouts? Girl scouts, boy/cub scouts do a lot of things together, you don't have to be religious (although there are a few things they do that concern religion), and ime the kids get to be close friends.

[CookieMonster]

He is really passionate about science and nature, especially rocks, fossils, minerals, and crystals. He also love reptiles and amphibians. He likes doing outdoor activities, such as fishing, hunting, looking for arrowheads, and just playing outside. He would be so happy to meet another little boy who was interested in these sorts of things. He collects rocks, fossils, and crystals, as well as Native American artifacts.

 

Could your five year old come play with my five year old?

 

Really.

 

I'm in a similar boat with you concerning friends. For now, I'm really focusing on family activites that interest him. For instance, we all go to a state park or the zoo together.

 

I'm also trying to build relationships through a local SAHM group, through T-Ball, and with the neighbors. Not much has happened so far. But, I'm continuing to try.

[snickelfritz]

And to complicate things, my dd is getting to the age where she just doesn't enjoy playing with boys as much as girls. So, my goal of finding homeschooled kids, with girls the same ages as my girls, with at least a little bit in common.....is very difficult. :D

 

We found that activities like sports or classes don't provide enough free time within the structure to actually get to know each other.

 

And I am finding this to be absolutely true. Lots of aquaintances, no real friends from these activities.

 

We are busy, but I've also considered finding some sort of a club activity to do. Luckily, my dd has one good holdover friend from our --before they were old enough for school, before we switched churches-- days. That seems to be enough for now, although since the other girl goes to private school....I'm worried about the longevity. Dd already says she wants to go to the school where her friend goes. And with school and activities.....they are even busier than us.

[gandpsmommy]

Could your five year old come play with my five year old?

 

Really.

 

I'm in a similar boat with you concerning friends. For now, I'm really focusing on family activites that interest him. For instance, we all go to a state park or the zoo together.

 

I'm also trying to build relationships through a local SAHM group, through T-Ball, and with the neighbors. Not much has happened so far. But, I'm continuing to try.

 

I wish we could!

[lionfamily1999]

Also, with sports, you have to take a lot of the work of creating friendships on yourself. IOW, offer to drive a couple of the kids to practice, or take them to dinner, try to make play dates on the weekends. Otherwise, you're right, the kids will never get a chance to be friends.

 

That's why I suggested scouts, with campouts and all the other things they do, they'll make friends.

[gandpsmommy]

It's strange because a couple of years ago I would have balked at a post like this, wondering why the person couldn't just invite people over or introduce themselves at an activity. In our old town all of this would have just seemed preposterous. Dh and I smugly laughed at the question of socialization, naming off the many activities our kids participated in: weekly library story hour, community center classes, children's classes at church, bi-weekly playgroup, regular playdates, musicals and children's choir at church, etc.

 

But here, it's so different. At the library we patronize the story times have themes like Captain Underpants, where the kids throw (clean) underwear at plungers in a sick imitation of a ring-toss game. We did not attend this event, but had the pleasure of witnessing it while we were choosing books from the children's section that day.

 

We don't have anyone to invite over. And if we did, it's likely that we would live at least 40 minutes from them. We haven't met anyone in the almost three years that we have lived here who ds really hit it off with. It doesn't help that dh and I really don't have any friends here either, so it's not as if we can invite over our friends and the kids can play together. Dh works an hour away in the big city and his coworkers live at least an hour away from us. We don't go to church anymore (although we tried many churches for the first two years that we lived here and didn't have any luck forming relationships there, either). I'm actually very content to be an introverted book worm and don't need a whole lot of social activity, but I really would like my dc to have some friends.

 

I'm sorry for sounding like such a whiner/complainer. I guess I just needed to vent a little bit. I just feel as if we live in such a bizarre area. I know I need to quit making excuses and just make things happen, but it's hard.

[Danestress]

I have not found that "activities" are a good way to make friends. I have a son who swims six days a week with the same 12 kids, and he likes them. They enjoy swimming together, but we don't really spend time with them apart from swimming. My other son plays tennis and does clinics with other children. Sometimes he does make dates to hit with these kids, and every once in a while we plan for it to include social time. But for the most part, my kids are serious about their sports and aren't really there for making friends. It's just not their focus. I have noticed that the girls on the swim team seem to spend the night with each other more. Maybe they are more intentional about the social aspects. My son just doesn't seem to really crave that.

 

We find that having friends in the neighborhood seems to create the most real opportunities to just hang out and play. Since my boys are so involved in sports (and also music) they aren't around that much, but usually on the weekends and then the occasional afternoon, they will be out playing soccer or exploring the woods with other boys. They have a couple of really good friends in the neighborhood and a few others that they just play with but don't really feel bonded to.

 

ETA that I probably subtly encourage them to mostly make friends in the neighborhood and church because I can know the families better. I don't feel like I really know the other parents in Swim and tennis, even though I spend a lot of time sitting with them in the bleachers. I don't feel like I necessarily know what their home lives and values are like the way you do when someone is a neighbor and the parents are friends. I wouldn't be just wild about someone inviting my kids over to play from their sports activities, even though they are 11 years old.

Edited May 6, 2009 by Danestress

[Mom0012]

Terri -

 

It sounds like a really tough situation. Any chance you would be able to move in the future, if you are so unhappy with the area you live in?

 

Lisa

[lionfamily1999]

It's strange because a couple of years ago I would have balked at a post like this, wondering why the person couldn't just invite people over or introduce themselves at an activity. In our old town all of this would have just seemed preposterous. Dh and I smugly laughed at the question of socialization, naming off the many activities our kids participated in: weekly library story hour, community center classes, children's classes at church, bi-weekly playgroup, regular playdates, musicals and children's choir at church, etc.

 

But here, it's so different. At the library we patronize the story times have themes like Captain Underpants, where the kids throw (clean) underwear at plungers in a sick imitation of a ring-toss game. We did not attend this event, but had the pleasure of witnessing it while we were choosing books from the children's section that day.

 

We don't have anyone to invite over. And if we did, it's likely that we would live at least 40 minutes from them. We haven't met anyone in the almost three years that we have lived here who ds really hit it off with. It doesn't help that dh and I really don't have any friends here either, so it's not as if we can invite over our friends and the kids can play together. Dh works an hour away in the big city and his coworkers live at least an hour away from us. We don't go to church anymore (although we tried many churches for the first two years that we lived here and didn't have any luck forming relationships there, either). I'm actually very content to be an introverted book worm and don't need a whole lot of social activity, but I really would like my dc to have some friends.

 

I'm sorry for sounding like such a whiner/complainer. I guess I just needed to vent a little bit. I just feel as if we live in such a bizarre area. I know I need to quit making excuses and just make things happen, but it's hard.

Are there any activities locally? Do kids live in the same area as you? There are some things we drive to the next county for, swimming is one, but otherwise, I go with the less than fantastic facilities available here (there is no indoor pool available in our county). Even if it's not as great, Karate's held at the American Legion bldg, all of the sports fields are pretty sub par, at least we're close to the people the dcs play with.

 

Where do you live, if you don't mind my asking?

[bettyandbob]

4H has a program for 5-8 year olds called cloverbuds. I think monthly or biweekly activities really won't cut it for trying to develop friends--unless you are in more than one of these activities and there are many kids who are involved in the same activities.

 

My kids have made friends in activities like ballet, swimming, science club, etc. The activity should be something your child likes. Then he's having a good time and it's easier to make introductions when you are happy. My oldest was/is a bit different. He was no good at sports. We made him participate for the exercise, but he would never make friends with those kids.

 

My son took a homeschool science class at age 7 and I was at first disappointed that the curriculum was not more advanced, but then I realized the benefit of the class for my son was not the science, but the socialization he got out of it. My son loves science and was able to have fun showing the other kids things with the experiments.

 

I'm a little alarmed by your description of your son. Isolation may or may not explain growling and chasing other children. I know because I've lived with behavior like that. However, you don't describe your dc much further so I don't know.

 

In your situation, I'd make a list of all possible activities. I'd try to involve ds in choosing. Is there any reason he couldn't be taking gymnastics at the same gym as your dd? Are there activities that go on during the time your dd is in the gym so that you could drop and go with him and then pick her up (I forgot to read how your dd is)? If your ds doesn't have ideas give him a choice of two to try and start trying things out until you stumble on something he wants.

 

Can you start a club? A science club that meets for weekly experiments--you could do 4 a session from books like Adventures with Atoms and Molecules. That was something I did. You could meet at your house or you could get space at the library and combine the activity with your weekly library errand. there's a lego club around here. They just meet with bunches of legos.

[gandpsmommy]

4H has a program for 5-8 year olds called cloverbuds. I think monthly or biweekly activities really won't cut it for trying to develop friends--unless you are in more than one of these activities and there are many kids who are involved in the same activities.

 

My kids have made friends in activities like ballet, swimming, science club, etc. The activity should be something your child likes. Then he's having a good time and it's easier to make introductions when you are happy. My oldest was/is a bit different. He was no good at sports. We made him participate for the exercise, but he would never make friends with those kids.

 

My son took a homeschool science class at age 7 and I was at first disappointed that the curriculum was not more advanced, but then I realized the benefit of the class for my son was not the science, but the socialization he got out of it. My son loves science and was able to have fun showing the other kids things with the experiments.

 

I'm a little alarmed by your description of your son. Isolation may or may not explain growling and chasing other children. I know because I've lived with behavior like that. However, you don't describe your dc much further so I don't know.

 

In your situation, I'd make a list of all possible activities. I'd try to involve ds in choosing. Is there any reason he couldn't be taking gymnastics at the same gym as your dd? Are there activities that go on during the time your dd is in the gym so that you could drop and go with him and then pick her up (I forgot to read how your dd is)? If your ds doesn't have ideas give him a choice of two to try and start trying things out until you stumble on something he wants.

 

Can you start a club? A science club that meets for weekly experiments--you could do 4 a session from books like Adventures with Atoms and Molecules. That was something I did. You could meet at your house or you could get space at the library and combine the activity with your weekly library errand. there's a lego club around here. They just meet with bunches of legos.

 

Thanks for the good ideas! I have thought about maybe trying to start a science club or a rock and mineral club for kids. I don't really feel knowledgeable enough about those subjects or good enough at organization/leadership, but I'm starting to adopt the attitude that I need to start creating the kind of things I want that just don't exist here instead of complaining about the lack of them and feeling sorry for us.

 

I identify with your sentiments about finding friends doing something you enjoy. That's why I think that kind of club would be perfect for ds. He played soccer, but it was much as you described, he wasn't going to make friends there because it's not really his thing. He has asked to play t-ball, so we'll be signing him up for that this summer.

 

Dh or I do something with ds while dd is at gymnastics, but we haven't found any formal group activities for him to do during that time. I offered to sign him up for swimming, but he didn't like that idea. We usually take him to a park or playground to play or use that time to run our errands in town, or one of us will take ds home to play, work in the garden (which he loves) or hang out one-on-one. He took gymnastics classes from the time he was old enough to walk until he was 4.5yo, but then he decided he didn't want to do it anymore. He knows he is welcome to take gymnastics classes again if he ever wants to, but so far he hasn't changed his mind. We tried out a tae-kwon-do class in the winter, but it wasn't a good fit for him because he couldn't understand the teacher, who had a very heavy accent. He felt uncomfortable and shy. It looks as if there might be another martial arts class opening soon, so we're hopeful it might work out.

 

About the growling and chasing. It's not aberrant behavior that makes me think he has a disorder or something. It's just that when he's nervous around other kids he seems to start acting like an animal and playing chase. Some other little boys we meet at the playground like to play like this, but many girls find the behavior very undesireable. I'd like him to learn some other ways of "breaking the ice" with new people. He actually is a very likeable person. He sometimes takes a little while to warm up, but he can be quite a talker. And he is generous and kind to his friends. It is just obvious to us that he needs more opportunties to practice social skills in a group setting and more opportunities for interaction with kids his own age to learn how to socialize and make friends.

[Jayne J]

The growling and the chasing. Oh yeah. DS went through a gorilla phase and beat his chest at people. Seriously, will you and Cookiemonster move to PA? Please??

 

It helps me tremendously to know we are not alone in this. I just posted, moments ago, with a similar question:D.

 

I'm thinking that "being the change I want to see" is probably my only option too at this point.

[6saints]

My kids make friends based on the kids that our friends bring over. Does that make sense?:party:

[Happy2BaMom]

...that I think this is somewhat of a societal thing. My two nieces have lived for years (same house) very close to downtown Seattle. My sister has always struggled to help them find true friends (they are not hsed either). When they were little, all the other parents in the neighborhood were dual-earners and so not around much (she's either not worked or it's been very pt). As the girls got older - they are now 14 & 17 - they have found it difficult to find friends who are not big time into sex & partying...and they both attend private religious schools & they both are big time into sports and music (the stories I could tell you about the girls' elite soccer team & the glee club at the tony Catholic high school).

 

I face a struggle similar to yours with my ds, currently in kindergarten. I am just trying to keep him busy, plus I take him to see his cousins, 3 hours away & same age, quite a bit. I know several other moms around the country (former Navy wife, here) who struggle with this issue as well. Not all of them hs either. The only mom I know who does not struggle at all to find friends for her kids lives in a "privileged" school district just outside DC. But her son attends all-day kindergarten (with homework), plays with a neighborhood full of kids in the afternoon, and isn't home much...not what I would consider a good trade-off.

 

I know this is not giving you suggestions, but I am trying to provide you with some support...it is not just you, or where you live, or the fact that you hs. Keep trying, keep working at it, hopefully it will get better, but (in my view) this is part of the society we live in right now. Knowing we have to work with the reality of that helps me to have the courage to keep on trying, even when I'm tired of trying to make it happen (or feeling that I'm the only one who tries to make it happen.

[KJB]

In general, I don't think you can rely on outside organized activities (sports, scouts, Sunday school) for friendship opportunities. Kids are actively directed for the duration of the activities usually, and then it's time to go home. There isn't a lot of time for chit chat and buddy building, ime.

 

Your very best bet is to have neighbor kids available who are your children's ages. If you aren't lucky enough to have neighbor kids, you have to create opportunities.

 

One thing you can do is start a club for your child that meets in your home. It could be a book club, a craft club, a pony club (if you have ponies (0:), an American Girls club, or a board game/chess club, or whatever your child thinks would be fun. Then advertise at the library on the billboard or with a flier, put an ad in the small paper, email your home school group even if you think everyone is to far away, invite kids you know, call Moms, visit a MOPs group with a flier, let other home schoolers know to pass the word, and see if you can ignite some friendships.

 

You may have to think outside the box and go beyond your comfort zone for where to turn up some new kids but it might be well worth it if you're not planning on moving any time soon.

 

Make sure the meetings have built in buddy time. Invite the moms to stay so you can get to know them and create more opportunities.

 

Another idea is to pick a family you'd like to get to know better and start inviting them to do things with you like going to the zoo or a museum. Invite, invite, invite and see what happens.

 

As home school Moms, I really believe it is on us to create real chances for our kids to find friends. Many times getting to know other mothers is an excellent way for your kids to get to know other kids. And, I move every 2 to 3 years with 5 kids, so I walk the walk frequently. It isn't easy.

Edited May 6, 2009 by KJB

[katemary63]

For us, 4-H has been a friend factory! Most of our major friendships, after moving to a new town where we knew nobody, have come from 4-H. We love it! Also, Awana and church.

[JoyfulMama]

Well at least I know it's not just me, either!

We're in our third separate geopgraphical area in 14 months... When we moved the first time time, my kids asked if they could put "Friends Wanted" signs in the windows, so the kids walking to/from school would stop. We lived in a neighborhood. We were outside every late afternoon and evening we could - front yard too - in hopes of meeting people. We went to the park in the neighborhood. We met two families of kids - neither of their homes would I allow my children to play at, but I had no problem with them all playing outside under my supervision. I only met the parents of the one family, and they were "very busy" people too.

 

I learned that generally, people are just not that interested in meeting new people. I'm not trying to be mean here, but people who are settled in their routine don't go out of their way to meet new people, since their lives are full trying to see the friends they have already.

 

Homeschool park days were the only saving grace for us, since it didn't take any extra effort on the part of anyone else to meet us. Once they got to know us, then the effort came to see us more often. As far as activities, there never seemed time to socialize, since everyone was on a time schedule to get somewhere else when the activity was over.

 

Here, in this house I am now rural - only one of 6 neighbors has taken the effort to say hi to us. I've made the effort to meet the other two neighbors that I have met (and they are not real close). I've tried church, but again find the same thing - *I* am the new one - they are already established.

 

I introduced myself to another mom today at an event we were at. We each have an 8yo girl. It was nice to put a name with a face. Maybe we'll see her again at another activity. Maybe I won't feel like I have three heads and green teeth next time I introduce myself to a new person.

 

Luckily my children aren't complaining... they play wonderfully together, and I couldn't ask for anything more than that.

[Sunshyne]

We joined our local Y when we moved here. My boys have made tons of great friends this way, and so have I. Most, but not all, of their friends are in PS but they are *great* kids with very involved parents.

 

 

I run the sports leagues, and so we're at the Y quite a bit. I'm sure that plays a part in the friendships established. We also have a great childcare area that allows the kids to hang out and have fun together.

[way2cross]

I am starting my daughter in horse riding lessons. On Saturdays the place is loaded with kids. And this particular barn welcomes kids, has summer camps, etc. I grew up on a horse farm and my parents were trainers and this is a good environment. Gets them working and a little dirty. But that's what we like...