Impish Posted April 5, 2009 Share Posted April 5, 2009 Ok, my dh is completely on board about homeschooling our kids, just thought I'd get that out of the way first, lol! The problem is, his mother. She's adjusted to us homeschooling Diva (dd 10 yrs). She was asking last night about Tazzie going to kindergarten in 2010. (Yes, she starts her nagging in advance. She's in her 80s, she worries if she doesn't start now, she'll miss the chance.) I told her that he wasn't going. Well, you'd think I'd announced that we had decided to stake the child to an ant hill coated in honey. Repeatedly. Gasping, moaning, "You can't do that!" more gasping and moaning. I realize that part of this is she was a teacher, but geez. Then she told me that I HAVE to let Tazzie try school and Princess too. Just because it wasn't a good thing for Diva doesn't mean it won't be good for the Littles. I told her that I didn't need to let the Littles sip bleach to prove its not good for them. *sigh* Sometimes my patience wears a wee bit thin. Any suggestions on how to better handle this next time? Cause there WILL be a next time. And no, simply turning it over to my dh to handle isn't a viable option, because he DOES try to handle it, but then next time she's got me on the phone, it starts all over again. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
newbie Posted April 5, 2009 Share Posted April 5, 2009 When she starts in on the phone, say, oops gotta go. Just ignore it, after eleven yrs when they see how smart and well they are doing, they will forget they ever complained. Just one of lifes lil bumps. Cant please everyone, especially family members. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted April 5, 2009 Author Share Posted April 5, 2009 I make a point of talking about the curriculum I'm using for Diva with her. For one, it keeps her from asking me about other stuff, and 2, keeps her feeling important and informed. Is it bad that I got a grin out of her not knowing who Beowulf is, and thought to myself, "This is exactly why they're never going to ps!" ?:blush: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JVA Posted April 5, 2009 Share Posted April 5, 2009 If she brings it up again, just tell her you know her opinion and the subject is closed. If it's on the phone, politely tell her good-bye. If it's while you are together, walk away. She's being disrespectful and speaking out of turn. Stand on the boundary line of 'no interference'. If needed, like if she continues to pester you, tell her that the boundary line has been drawn - as in 'this is our family- OUR decision'. If she crosses it again, the consequences will be _______________________. If SHE chooses to cross the line, she is choosing the consequences. It's no fun to take a hard line with relatives but if they are disrespectful, they have to be dealt with. Believe me - btdt. Sorry you're having to go through this- you're not the first. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
newbie Posted April 5, 2009 Share Posted April 5, 2009 I make a point of talking about the curriculum I'm using for Diva with her. For one, it keeps her from asking me about other stuff, and 2, keeps her feeling important and informed. Is it bad that I got a grin out of her not knowing who Beowulf is, and thought to myself, "This is exactly why they're never going to ps!" ?:blush: LOL/ You know you might want to incorporate her if she is close by, perhaps give her one course of study to help out. Maybe something you are not good, definitely not Lit. scary. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
********* Posted April 5, 2009 Share Posted April 5, 2009 Um, yeah. I kinda could've written your post. No advice, just know that there's others in the same boat. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alphabetika Posted April 5, 2009 Share Posted April 5, 2009 "Thank you for your concern. We've made our decision." "But, but, but....." "Thank you for your concern. We've made our decision." "But, but, but....." "Thank you for........." Repeat as necessary. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted April 5, 2009 Author Share Posted April 5, 2009 She doesn't live near by. One of the reasons I know that God loves me. She's in another province. And honestly, dh and I have talked about her helping homeschool the kids, because we have been hoping that she'd move closer, due to her age and some health concerns. I love my husband. I love my husband. I love my husband. Sorry, somehow that mantra always crops up when the thought of MIL being in the same city comes to mind. Where was I? Oh yes, MIL helping with hsing. I forbid it. She's one of those 'give an inch, take everything' kind of personalities. If I allowed her to help, say with art, she'd be so far up my tush I'd feel like a Muppet. In fact, she mentioned at one point, early on in our hsing, that she'd better move out here so she could take over, since she was a REAL teacher. :blink: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OhM Posted April 5, 2009 Share Posted April 5, 2009 If I allowed her to help, say with art, she'd be so far up my tush I'd feel like a Muppet. Let me be the first to say: :lol::rofl::willy_nilly: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aunty Social Posted April 5, 2009 Share Posted April 5, 2009 I love my husband. I love my husband. I love my husband. Sorry, somehow that mantra always crops up when the thought of MIL being in the same city comes to mind. Do we have the same MIL?:lol: In response to your real question - firm patience seems to work fairly well. "Thanks for your opinion. We've decided this is best for us." Or some variation. Then change the subject (I find that all I have to do is ask about certain family members, and she's off and running, having forgotten the first topic:D) Of course, there's always caller id.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SonshineLearner Posted April 5, 2009 Share Posted April 5, 2009 Kindergarten starts next year, if they'll be five. Do you have to say where? Carrie:-) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Julie in Austin Posted April 5, 2009 Share Posted April 5, 2009 "Thank you for your concern. We've made our decision." "But, but, but....." "Thank you for your concern. We've made our decision." "But, but, but....." "Thank you for........." Repeat as necessary. :iagree: :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellie Posted April 5, 2009 Share Posted April 5, 2009 Any suggestions on how to better handle this next time? Cause there WILL be a next time. And no, simply turning it over to my dh to handle isn't a viable option, because he DOES try to handle it, but then next time she's got me on the phone, it starts all over again. She loves her dgc. But she doesn't get to decide, or have any influence, in how you educate them. ITA with Alphabetika: "Thank you for your concern. We've made our decision." "But, but, but....." "Thank you for your concern. We've made our decision." "But, but, but....." "Thank you for........." Repeat as necessary. You might find this article by our own Joanne to be helpful: Bean Dip! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jenn- Posted April 5, 2009 Share Posted April 5, 2009 My MIL has already started asking about the boys and this fall. Everyone now knows that they aren't going this year, but if I cannot get them up to par (or at least looking like they have learned something from me), then they will be put in PS K next year. They are late bdays anyways, so it would be to their benefits either way. This seems to be an acceptable answer around here, but probably not what you are looking for. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardening momma Posted April 5, 2009 Share Posted April 5, 2009 She doesn't live near by. One of the reasons I know that God loves me. She's in another province. Oh, dear. My MIL lives fairly close. Fortunately God demonstrates His love in other ways too. :D Oh yes, MIL helping with hsing. I forbid it. She's one of those 'give an inch, take everything' kind of personalities. If I allowed her to help, say with art, she'd be so far up my tush I'd feel like a Muppet. In fact, she mentioned at one point, early on in our hsing, that she'd better move out here so she could take over, since she was a REAL teacher. :blink: Yeah, mine suggested helping a couple of years ago, when I first mentioned my intention to homeschool. She was a teacher too. I ignored it at the time, and hope it doesn't come up again. Not interested! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted April 5, 2009 Author Share Posted April 5, 2009 Oh my gosh, Jen. I'd hate to be under that kind of pressure, for me and the kids. Thanks everyone for the support and suggestions. I can usually turn her comments aside pretty easily, but its been a challenging week here, just a bunch of stuff going on, not even hs related, and that leaves you sensitive, kwim? And, I guess part of it is too, Tazzie and Princess will be my first totally hs'd kids. Diva was pulled midway through gr 3, so MIL huffing and moaning and sighing created a twinge of guilt that I was denying him kindergarten. "What harm could kindergarten do?" ugh. I *know* our decision to hs is right for our family, our kids. But she still made me feel that pang of guilt anyways. :glare: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mom4him Posted April 5, 2009 Share Posted April 5, 2009 In fact, she mentioned at one point, early on in our hsing, that she'd better move out here so she could take over, since she was a REAL teacher. :blink: Some times a person has to be so blunt it might appear rude but can do it without being rude. I would point out that God gave these children to you not her. You are the real teacher that God gave these children. She had her child/children and made the decissions there. These are your children and you and your husband will be the ones to make the decissions concerning them. If you need her input on a subject you will ask otherwise the subject is closed. Now, saying that, I will also say that when you have grandchildren and you see decissions being made that you feel in your heart are not right it is very hard to 'keep your mouth shout'. As a grandma I have the choice to do that and keep a good relationship with my grandkids parents or destroy it. I work real hard at keeping my mouth shut except when talking to God. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ohdanigirl Posted April 5, 2009 Share Posted April 5, 2009 I have a similar problem with my husbands grandmother, a little passive agressive. She has never come right out and said they should be in school, but she has tried to get us to move down the street "so we can get our kids in the same shool as the grandkids that live with her". We tried ignoring it at first, and the idea was laughable since at the time we lived in one of the best school districts. Well, she kept making comments about how smart the other grandkids are, and how our kids could learn so much from them. I think dh had enough one day, because he calmly turned to her and said "our God child thinks that when the son sets it hides under the water, and if boats go to far out to sea they will fall off the earth". Follwed by "our homeschooled ds8 (at the time) had to explain to him..." Needless to say, she has never brought it up again. BTW God child is 6mo older than ds. PS no way. Danielle Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katemary63 Posted April 5, 2009 Share Posted April 5, 2009 She doesn't live near by. One of the reasons I know that God loves me. She's in another province. :eek: What am I supposed to make of this? God plopped my MIL right onto my own property, just up the hill???? Ack! How do I get him to love me like he loves you???? :lol::lol::lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted April 5, 2009 Author Share Posted April 5, 2009 Only you know your sins, Katemary. *runs like heck* :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jenn- Posted April 5, 2009 Share Posted April 5, 2009 Oh my gosh, Jen. I'd hate to be under that kind of pressure, for me and the kids. And, I guess part of it is too, Tazzie and Princess will be my first totally hs'd kids. Diva was pulled midway through gr 3, This is very similar to us here as my DD was pulled half way through 2nd grade already reading well and doing the basics. I don't see it as pressure so much as a fall back plan for myself. I think it has a lot to do with my own self doubt when it comes to teaching the basics. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WTMindy Posted April 5, 2009 Share Posted April 5, 2009 Ok, my dh is completely on board about homeschooling our kids, just thought I'd get that out of the way first, lol! The problem is, his mother. She's adjusted to us homeschooling Diva (dd 10 yrs). She was asking last night about Tazzie going to kindergarten in 2010. (Yes, she starts her nagging in advance. She's in her 80s, she worries if she doesn't start now, she'll miss the chance.) I told her that he wasn't going. Well, you'd think I'd announced that we had decided to stake the child to an ant hill coated in honey. Repeatedly. Gasping, moaning, "You can't do that!" more gasping and moaning. I realize that part of this is she was a teacher, but geez. Then she told me that I HAVE to let Tazzie try school and Princess too. Just because it wasn't a good thing for Diva doesn't mean it won't be good for the Littles. I told her that I didn't need to let the Littles sip bleach to prove its not good for them. *sigh* Sometimes my patience wears a wee bit thin. Any suggestions on how to better handle this next time? Cause there WILL be a next time. And no, simply turning it over to my dh to handle isn't a viable option, because he DOES try to handle it, but then next time she's got me on the phone, it starts all over again. I would just refuse to discuss it with her. If she brings it up, politely change the subject. Be evasive. Let any discussions that need to happen about come from your hubby! :-) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MeanestMomInMidwest Posted April 5, 2009 Share Posted April 5, 2009 With my MIL, it helps me to think of her as just some random, crazy old lady. It helps me to be compassionate and overlook her hurtful comments. I pretend that there is absolutely no personal relationship and I kindly respond to her as if she were one of my confused patients. "Mmmm...I can tell you're concerned. That certainly is something to think about...what a lovely shade of green your sweater is. Did you notice the price of milk this week?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommy22alyns Posted April 5, 2009 Share Posted April 5, 2009 Over the phone... I'd probably hold it out at arm's distance and check back every few minutes to see if she was done with her ranting. As soon as I could get a word in edgewise, I'd change the subject. I feel for you ladies, having to deal with a family member like that. :001_huh: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted April 5, 2009 Author Share Posted April 5, 2009 LOL...thats why I usually start talking about curriculum to her. She hasn't the foggiest understanding of what I'm talking about, but she FEELS like she's being included, so it appeases her ego. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elizabeth Conley Posted April 5, 2009 Share Posted April 5, 2009 Impish, She's 80+. I think you're doing a great job of being gentle, kind, respectful and firm. At her age she's entitled to the respect and gentleness, but you are right to stand your ground. That's a tricky balancing act. Give yourself kudos for keeping your balance thus far. I hope your luck and skill will hold! I think that discussing curriculum with her is a brilliant idea. My parents weren't thrilled at first, but they've come around. They're not much younger than your mother. I discuss curriculum and show them the children's ITBS results. Recently they've even started taking one child or the other on relevant field trips. There are people who are so invested in the sanctity of public education that we will never sway them. It helps me to remember that they can criticize us, but they can't control us. That perspective allows me to feel secure, so I don't get upset and become heated in my defense of home schooling. Home schooling works. It doesn't need to be defended. The choice stands on its own merits. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mom2boys Posted April 5, 2009 Share Posted April 5, 2009 Not to discourage you or anything, but I have been homeschooling for 7 years, and I am still waiting for the unsupportive family members to come around. Like Elizabeth said, some people will never come around. As far as your MIL is concerned, I agree with Mindy that this is something that she needs to discuss with your hubby, and not you. If you quickly get off the phone every time she brings up the subject, then she can't discuss it with you. Maybe she will take the hint and move on, or maybe you will just have very short conversations from here on out. ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tree House Academy Posted April 5, 2009 Share Posted April 5, 2009 My MIL was a teacher too. She also did the "OMG" bit and once even told me that "you can't teach him at home...he will be BORED when he gets to Kindergarten." LOL All I have to say is that the proof is in the pudding. :) My MIL now constantly brags on me and on my kids - including her 5 year old grandson who reads at a 2nd grade level. ;) Once she saw him thrive like he is, she realized I was totally doing my "job" and that he was going to be JUST FINE...if not better. Now, she tried to "help" by sending me books and such that she had in school. They obviously are for people learning to teach a group of kids, but hey...she is on board now and it is the thought that counts. Let the proof be in the pudding. Till then, get some ear plugs. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tree House Academy Posted April 5, 2009 Share Posted April 5, 2009 With my MIL, it helps me to think of her as just some random, crazy old lady. Sorry, I know this is out of context...but :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tree House Academy Posted April 5, 2009 Share Posted April 5, 2009 She doesn't live near by. One of the reasons I know that God loves me. She's in another province. Ha...my MIL lives 200 YARDS from me...at the end of my driveway. :glare: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted April 5, 2009 Author Share Posted April 5, 2009 *snicker* Yet another one that has some serious atonement to do.... *runs like heck* :tongue_smilie: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardening momma Posted April 5, 2009 Share Posted April 5, 2009 With my MIL, it helps me to think of her as just some random, crazy old lady. It helps me to be compassionate and overlook her hurtful comments. I pretend that there is absolutely no personal relationship and I kindly respond to her as if she were one of my confused patients. I'll have to remember that. :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katemary63 Posted April 7, 2009 Share Posted April 7, 2009 With my MIL, it helps me to think of her as just some random, crazy old lady. It helps me to be compassionate and overlook her hurtful comments. I pretend that there is absolutely no personal relationship and I kindly respond to her as if she were one of my confused patients. "Mmmm...I can tell you're concerned. That certainly is something to think about...what a lovely shade of green your sweater is. Did you notice the price of milk this week?" Excellent answer! My MIL IS a crazy, old, lady, and I do exactly the same as you. I NEVER take what she says personally and I have taught my kids to do the same. We all get along fine! :D DH is grateful I have figured this out and we can have harmony in a family where you would think none could exist. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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