I'm feeling terribly lonely today - tell me it's alright

[TXMomof4]

I hate days like today. I have managed to completely isolate myself without that being my intention at all. I think we all know what it's like to be on the outside of the 'group' because we're homeschooling. Along with that DH is deployed. So I don't fit with my friends because I have a husband, but he isn't here. There aren't a lot of single moms in my group of acquaintances - and the ones there are work full-time and their kids are in school. I have several friends that are single or divorced, even widowed, but none of them have kids at home. So, we're not involved in a lot of their activities because I have 4 kids with me all the time.

 

No one intentionally excludes us. It's not done to be unkind in any way.

 

But, on Sundays after church everyone has the group they belong with to go out and eat lunch with or to go do things with. My kids want to be involved with everyone, but we aren't generally invited. Plans are made for whole families or for singles but not for moms with 4 kids who have a father that is on the other side of the world.

 

Mostly I'm just feeling sorry for myself right now. Needing a little sympathy I guess. Tell me it's all going to be alright and this too shall pass. I know it will, but I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel today. All I see is a dirty house and 4 insane (but sweet) children. Help!

[Harriet Vane]

Awww . . . :grouphug:

 

If you were up here I would tell you to come on over.

 

Can you invite people over? You don't have to spring for a whole meal--invite them for dessert and games instead. I know it would be lovely to be invited somewhere--I just make the suggestion in hopes that it would wake people up to your presence among them.

[Melissa in NC]

:grouphug:

 

Melissa

[Denisemomof4]

I wish you had friends who were more supportive of you while dh was away!

 

How about having a crowd over for potluck? That way not all the work (and expense!) is on you. Try to invite others with kids around your kids ages, and others who don't! While most of my friends have at least one kid around one of my kids' age, not all do. We mesh if we mesh and if we have kids with similar ages, fine. If not, well that's the way it goes.

[i.love.lucy]

So sorry! I think it's just that people don't realize or think it through. I know times when we've been invited out I don't always stop to think about who else I could invite. Can you not reach out to any of your friends to share that you are lonely? I know that I have felt those pangs of jealousy when I find out that 2 of my friends have gotten together for coffee one morning and I can't be invited because I've got kids tagging along all the time now.

 

One of my good friends is in a sort-of similar situation in that her husband accepted a promotion that took him away from home M-F. It was really, really hard on her to be a single mom (and even then she got him home on the weekend and you don't!) During the summer we tried to have her over at least once a week during the week so the kids could play and she and I could hang out. DH often went off and did his own thing, but he also enjoyed her company. But she had to make it clear she wanted this to happen and she did this by calling me up and saying "I'M LONELY, please come over!!" After that it was more often over at my house, but at least I was aware.

 

I don't think your friends will think it's weird at all for you to let them know you'd like more company and to invite their families over.

 

BTW, what area of TX are you in? Are you plugged in to a homeschooling group? That would help too, but it takes time for those friendships to cement too.

 

If you were near me I'd say come on over!!! (I'm in Cedar Park, TX, north of Austin)

[Geo]

Along with that DH is deployed. So I don't fit with my friends because I have a husband, but he isn't here.

 

I can only imagine how you feel; it's not good for you to stay there, though. Friends always "fit" together. Can't you confide in them your need for a little family support? I bet your friends would give you the little extra attention that you need-if they were made aware. They may not be free to drop what their doing right then but you might be able to plan a little something. You don't sound like a whiner type, I bet with a little fellowship you'd be right as reign. I've always marveled at military families and the enormous sacrifices they make. It takes a noble woman to weather the stresses of a deployed husband and be a homeschool mom all at the same time. You have my admiration and respect.

 

:grouphug:

Geo

Edited March 29, 2009 by Geo

[elise1mds]

I understand. It hurts when you sit at home and keep working and working and working, all the time knowing that your friends are off having a great time and developing better friendships without you. It's not fun to have to put yourself out there and initiate, but I hope that if you decide to do that, that people come and get the idea.

 

:grouphug:

[elegantlion]

:grouphug:

[TXMomof4]

But she had to make it clear she wanted this to happen and she did this by calling me up and saying "I'M LONELY, please come over!!" After that it was more often over at my house, but at least I was aware.

 

I don't think your friends will think it's weird at all for you to let them know you'd like more company and to invite their families over.

 

 

You are entirely correct. If I would get off my rear and call people up, I could make it happen. I'm just tired and getting the house company clean and figuring out the plans is too overwhelming sometimes. There are amazing people at our church and they do take great care of me. Sometimes you need the hug more than the casserole though. Then that sounds ungrateful, and I'm not that at all. I want my cake and want to eat it too! :tongue_smilie:

 

Sorry, I'm usually not whiny and complaining. Today was just a hard day to sit and watch the rest of the world with their normal lives and to come home to our crazy life was a little too much.

 

My perspective is just a little off. I have an amazing family -great kids who keep me entertained, even if the house is a mess. My husband truly is my hero. I have good friends - we're just in different places in our lives right now.

 

See, I can objectively see the blessings. I'm just tired.

[Starr]

It is hard finding friends that are in the same life place. I feel that way too, some years more than others. Keep laughing at your dc and hang in there. :grouphug:

[Ottakee]

Sorry you feel that way. My friend is in a similar situation. We live in Michigan but her husband works in Alaska and is home for 4-7 days ever 6-8 weeks. She is like a single mom but not single.

 

Could you invite some people over? I know it is hard alone but maybe if you invite a few couples the ladies could talk, men could visit, and kids play.

[G5052]

After DH's disability got to the point that he couldn't attend church, we stopped getting invitations to come over or go out with the two-parent families. It's about the same among my homeschool contacts. I can't entertain during the evening or on weekends because DH needs the down time to recover from the work week, and my budget is pretty limited on all fronts.

 

So we hang out with the never-married, widows, and divorced folks quite a bit, who are a bit more flexible and enjoy the fellowship as much as I do. They're fine coming over for a cup of tea while the kids play outside or talking on the phone after everyone else has gone to bed. And we have some very sweet friends despite my "single" status.

Edited March 29, 2009 by GVA

[lovemyboys]

You are entirely correct. If I would get off my rear and call people up, I could make it happen. I'm just tired and getting the house company clean and figuring out the plans is too overwhelming sometimes.

...........

See, I can objectively see the blessings. I'm just tired.

 

How about calling one or two of the families that you and dc like a few days ahead and plan for an outdoor something-or-other after church? Picnic at a nearby park, adults can visit, kids play and the picnic food would be inexpensive to put together?

 

That way the house isn't an issue for you. Perhaps then you'll be invited to the other person's house on the next go-round.

 

If you start reaching out, hopefully you'll get some good responses.

 

Meanwhile :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: to you, and thanks for what you're doing, it's no small thing. Hoping for some sunshine for you this week!

[AnnetteW]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

You are truly a wonderful woman and your family has made a tremendous sacrifice with your husband's service to our country.

 

You are never truly alone as God is always with us like He was with Jesus Christ as he died for our sins.

 

Blessings,

Annette

[3browneyedboys4me]

:grouphug:

 

I hope that you find peace during this time. I have often prayed for God to give me good friends in my life, and guess what? He did! Just start praying and it will happen. God is good and things will change! He will carrying you through this time. I think we all have periods like this. I know I have.

 

 

Blessings!

[Alicia64]

I have so much respect and admiration for military wives. You women are towers of strength.

 

Not that that makes you less lonely.

 

Does this help? I know plenty of people and still go in and out on feeling lonely. But I can't imagine what it would be like to have my dh not show up at the end of the day. I'm so sorry. . .

 

Hang in there. When I'm down, a good book brings me back.

 

Alicia

[TXMomof4]

You are all so sweet. Like I said, most days are fine. Today was just a bummer all the way around. I do have good friends - they just can't put themselves in my shoes as far as being alone all the time. It hits on days when I'm already a little down that they don't and can't get it. I have to remember that I'm very glad they can't. Thank the Lord that not everyone has to do this anymore. It's not like WWII where every family had someone gone. This was a decision DH and I made and there are consequences to every decision. Some are great, some not so great. God does get me through it -I can't even begin to describe some of the blessings we've received from the same people I whine about not understanding. I imagine if I went and told some of them how I was feeling today they would be devasted that they weren't doing something to fix it. But, it isn't really something that can be fixed - you know? It is something that just is. Like someone said, the most social people in the world can be lonely. Today was just a lonely day. Tomorrow will be better, and in a relatively short time (only a few months as opposed to most of a year) dh will be home and it will be much better.

 

I appreciate all of your kind words and prayers. They really do help.

[Kanga]

:grouphug: From a military wife who has felt the exact same way! Do you have a local spouse support group? It made it a little easier for me to occasionally get together with people who were going through the same thing at the same time, IYKWIM? For our last two deployments I have lived in civilain communities and did not have a local support group and it was definately harder not having people around who understood.

 

In the civilian community when my dh is deployed I invite friends whose husbands are on travel over or make arrangements to meet somewhere and then they return the favor on their husband's next trip out of town.

 

I also try to make little easy rituals for me and the kids, i.e. movie night, pizza night, game night, breakfast for dinner night, etc. It gives the kids something to look forward to, instead of focusing what they are missing. We have so much fun on these night together that my dc have actually turned down invitations to stay home for game night.

 

But no matter what I do there are still lonely moments...

[jenL]

:grouphug: I wish I could take away your loneliness, but all I can do is send prayers. Since I've made the choice to homeschool, I've often felt very alone because my friends are at different places. As I slowly meet other homeschooling moms, it's getting a little better. I hope this can happen for you as well.

 

Thank you for your and your husband's sacrifice for all of us. To be "single" and homeschooling makes me admire you even more! Stay strong!

[ConnieB]

Been there, done that, don't want to do it again!

 

Call your Family Support Division on the base and tell them that you need someone to talk with......someone who understands what it's like to have 4 little ones at home and DH half way 'round the world....and worrying about him all the time even when you've convinced yourself that you're not. That's what the FSD (or whatever your branch/base calls them) is there for.....to support you even when there isn't much they can do except listen.

 

As for the friends at church....unless they're military....honestly they don't get it. It's not that they're being rude or even insensitive, they just don't have a clue what it's like and therefore it's not a case of not knowing what to do....they don't even realize that they COULD be doing something for you.

 

You'll have to take the first step to let people know that now, more than ever, you need them....not for meals or even babysitting (though those are nice, lol)....but the thing that is sometimes hardest for some to give....a hug, a shoulder, a tissue. But believe me, if you can get through that first step, you'll find out who your true friends are.

 

And don't fuss about the house......or the arrangements......throw the dirty dishes in the oven for now, toss the toys into a room and close the door......go to the local grocer and get a cold cut tray and some delicious bread....and invite a few folks over just for sandwiches and fellowship. I loved those get togethers almost more than the stiff formal everything is perfect parties. Remember that the true need you have is fellowship, not fancy food or stiff proper manners. You need down home.

 

And next time you write to or speak to your DH....tell him that this retired military family is profoundly grateful and proud of him for his service to this country. And proud of his wife and children for bravely going on without him here everyday. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: