Foster child in the church nursery need advice

[gratefulmother]

In reporting, I would also be sure to mention her comment about the social worker just picking him up and bruises being left on his arms. I admit that the whole thing sounds a little weird to me and she should have never spanked after agreeing with DSS not to, but there could easily be something physically wrong with him that is causing the easy bruising. Don't worry about determining guilt, your jog is just to report and let child protective services investigate.

[Julie in Austin]

There are no shades of gray with this situation you've brought to the board.

 

:iagree:

 

Spanking a foster child is a clear violation of the rules.

[Blessedfamily]

If only she would have called social services for help if she was having behavioural problems with him.....

 

 

I'm not overly familiar with the foster care system, but it seems parents are required to take a class which includes alternative forms of discipline before they get a child. (In addition to agreeing in writing not to spank.)

 

I don't know how helpful the training is, but it sends a clear message that they don't want the children spanked.

 

 

 

 

Quote from foster parent info from social services here-

 

"Foster parents must absolutely never use corporal punishment, which includes spanking. In fact, foster parents agree in writing to never use corporal punishment. Foster parent pre-service training includes discussion of why abused children should not be corporally punished and also discuss alternative forms of discipline or behavior management. Additionally, ongoing support of foster parents includes regular in-service training and individual consultation with the social worker regarding discipline questions or concerns."

[SonshineLearner]

I have to disagree here. There are reasons why reports can be made anonymous. Of course, it is up to the OP, but I can see in a social situation, if the OP were known to be the one who turned an upstanding family in and that family lost a foster child, factions would develop with some people siding for the OP and some siding for the poor, mistreated family. Of course, I'm exaggerating, but some things were meant to be private.

 

I suppose that I was thinking of our last pastor (our present one...I don't know, yet) and while I could anonymously tell CSD, he would keep my words in confidence, but it would give him a head up. I would tell him, but ask that he not break confidence...

 

Of course, I'm sure it depends on how everything works at your church. Does this mean that if I report something at say..a daycare that i work at, that I wouldn't tell my boss? If so, maybe it's true that you shouldn't tell anyone...Of course, I feel more responsible to my Pastor and I also feel like he holds my words well.

 

I feel that there might be some "Biblical Order of confronting" in this too, because it's happening between 2 Christians. Even if it's just having the guts to say, "I'm sorry but I have to let CSD know as this I am a court-mandated reporter" of this. Does Biblical Confrontation not enter into this equation?

 

What does your husband say?

 

Also, I might actually ask to talk to THEIR social worker. That way he/she could look into it... I know that when my Aunt fostered...years ago..but while it was still against the rules to spank...that she straight up told the workers that she spanked...and if they wanted the kids to be with her...that's how it would go. She gave the kids a great country farm to play on....horses to ride..Lassie to love...and spanked 'em. Her Social Workers looked the other way cuz she loved them crazy and gave them a great country life...And, they knew that she was safe and the kids would come out of it whole and loved.) And, even when they were over 18 and in trouble, they'd still come back to her for help and she would!) Yup, it's different now... But, I have to say the "Love em crazy" is still the most important.

 

I know that most of you disagree with me...and that's ok! I just don't always agree with being legal, I suppose.

 

Carrie

Edited February 10, 2009 by NayfiesMama

[CherylG]

I had a 22 mos old foster boy in the nursery. He's been with this family apx. 1 year and they are heading towards adoption. I've been the only nursery worker with him for this year for about 1 hour each week. He has never let me change his diaper. Today my dh popped into the nursery for a minute and offered to distract him a bit so I could change a bm diaper.

When the foster mom came to get him, she asked if I had changed him and asked if I had seen his "rash" from his new diaper cream. I said yes to both. When I got home she called me to "confess" that it wasn't a rash but that she had spanked him. I mentioned that dss doesn't allow spanking and she went on to list the things he's been doing. These are all age appropiate behaviors IMO but behaviors her two older bio kids had never done. She also mentioned that he brusies easily and noted that to the social worker at the recent visit. She said the social worker played with the boy and left marks under the arm pits from picking him up.

His bottom had broken blood vessels. The minute I changed his diaper I showed my dh and told him what I thought it was. I don't care for the way this woman raises her two biokids but I've really been able to explain why I don't like it. Mostly just a feeling.

I would really like advice from foster moms. I've read the boards long enough to know that spanking is a hot botton. Please, please help me figure this out without getting the thread locked.

 

If you think something is wrong-I would let the pastor and the director of religious education in on your suspicions. What does your husband say? "With an abundance of counselors, wisdom is unavoidable"

 

I've never seen broken blood vessels on a babies bottom-my heart aches for you and that little one-maybe all three of the little ones in her care. :angelsad2:

May God bless you and give you wisdom!

[Miss Sherry]

It bothers me that the foster Mom is spanking a child that she knows she is not allowed to spank, rather than asking for help with other forms of discipline. It seems that she should be concerned about jeapardizing her chances of adopting him. Also, doesn't she wonder if he so easily bruises if he is also more sensitive to pain or likely to be injured from a spanking ? She needs to be discussing these things with the social worker.

[Miss Sherry]

There ARE health conditions that cause someone to bruise easily. She needs to find out if this child has a nutritional deficiency or if something else is going on. She should take him to a pediatrician. One cause could be a vitamin C deficiency. Of course, that is assuming that she only mildly spanked him and he bruised. If she inappropriately spanked him and it caused injury that is just wrong. But then, since she must have agreed not to spank this child, she should be talking to the social worker about appropriate ways to discipline him that do not include spanking.

[tibbyl]

In my state, foster parents sign a statement that they agree not to use spanking as well as certain other punitive forms of discipline. The MAAP (parenting) classes include training in effectively dealing with behavioral issues in a nonpunitive manner.

 

However, it has been my experience that some foster parents view it as mere formality to be ignored in day to day life. During my fostering years, in my old neighborhood were two homeschooling foster moms, both of whom spoke freely on occasion about "having to" spank their foster kids.

[unsinkable]

It bothers me that the foster Mom is spanking a child that she knows she is not allowed to spank, rather than asking for help with other forms of discipline. It seems that she should be concerned about jeapardizing her chances of adopting him. Also, doesn't she wonder if he so easily bruises if he is also more sensitive to pain or likely to be injured from a spanking ? She needs to be discussing these things with the social worker.

 

Could the foster mom feel she is in over her head and trying to find a way to end the adoption?

 

Or does she have such a close relationship w/OP that she didn't think the OP would ever consider reporting her?

[MeanestMomInMidwest]

In my state, foster parents sign a statement that they agree not to use spanking as well as certain other punitive forms of discipline. The MAAP (parenting) classes include training in effectively dealing with behavioral issues in a nonpunitive manner.

 

However, it has been my experience that some foster parents view it as mere formality to be ignored in day to day life. During my fostering years, in my old neighborhood were two homeschooling foster moms, both of whom spoke freely on occasion about "having to" spank their foster kids.

Your last comment is very interesting. Some years ago, I was involved in the foster care system (not as a parent, but as an advocate) and I came to intimately know a number of foster parents. All of them were very aware of the "no spanking" rule, perhaps more than any other rule. The families I knew were very careful to follow the rules, because they knew a child would be removed quickly. They were also very aware that foster families sacrifice some level of privacy. The children they are caring for are, in effect, everyone's children and everyone is responsible for their welfare. We organized foster parent support groups where experienced foster parents could freely give advice to newer foster parents, and even those who were considering fostering and those in the process of becoming licensed were welcome to attend. The social workers in the county referred prospective foster parents to our groups. After attending a support group session (or a few) some families did decide that fostering was not for them, but the ones that continued with the process did so understanding the pitfalls (emotional and otherwise) associated with fostering, as well as the benefits (again, emotional and otherwise).

In my opinion, the foster parenting system fills a vital role in society for hundreds, if not thousands, of children. Of course the system is flawed, sometimes seriously, but aren't all systems flawed? It is not up to the "system" to fix the system. I also think regardless of flaws, if one chooses to operate within a particular system, one must then abide by that system's rules.

[LND1218]

I know that most of you disagree with me...and that's ok! I just don't always agree with being legal, I suppose.

Carrie

 

:iagree: I know that we are the minority, but I am sorry I just don't think the government knows best.

 

I would prefer to handle it differently.

 

 

I have been a mandatory reporter as a teacher and preschool director, so I understand that too.

 

I just know how things go sometimes with the "system" and it's sometimes awful.

[Allearia]

Quote from foster parent info from social services here-

 

"Foster parents must absolutely never use corporal punishment, which includes spanking. In fact, foster parents agree in writing to never use corporal punishment. Foster parent pre-service training includes discussion of why abused children should not be corporally punished and also discuss alternative forms of discipline or behavior management. Additionally, ongoing support of foster parents includes regular in-service training and individual consultation with the social worker regarding discipline questions or concerns."

 

I think this point is really important to focus on. I am not an advocate of spanking, but have spanked a few times so I do not believe it is terrible. But foster children are there because they have usually been abused. That is different from your own child who has always been in your loving care. Who knows what some children have experienced before they end up in foster care. The no-spanking rule is there for specific reasons, and I don't have experience with it but this is part of the training for foster parents to understand this.

[PiCO]

As a non-Christian who doesn't advocate hitting babies, I'm not feeling very encouraged to do so right now. :(

 

It can be hard. Unfortunately, there are people out there who want to place children only in "loving Christain homes."

 

I have an uncle whose foster children were taken away from him because he and his wife were not christian. Really, the case worker told them that. He was fostering "unwanted" children- children who were abused, children with Autism and Asberger's. He was having wonderful results with them. But no, one social worker decided these kids were better off in an institution than a non-Christain home.

[Harriet Vane]

It can be hard. Unfortunately, there are people out there who want to place children only in "loving Christain homes."

 

I have an uncle whose foster children were taken away from him because he and his wife were not christian. Really, the case worker told them that. He was fostering "unwanted" children- children who were abused, children with Autism and Asberger's. He was having wonderful results with them. But no, one social worker decided these kids were better off in an institution than a non-Christain home.

 

PICO, how awful. I am truly sorry to hear it.

[tibbyl]

It can be hard. Unfortunately, there are people out there who want to place children only in "loving Christain homes."

 

I have an uncle whose foster children were taken away from him because he and his wife were not christian. Really, the case worker told them that. He was fostering "unwanted" children- children who were abused, children with Autism and Asberger's. He was having wonderful results with them. But no, one social worker decided these kids were better off in an institution than a non-Christain home.

 

Infuriating and shortsighted, isn't it? Many years ago, when we fostering and looking to adopt, we contacted a church-run foster/adoption agency that contracted with state and received public funds. Yet they only placed children with adherents of their own denomination. Worse yet, you had to be a MEMBER, not just an attendee.

[newbie]

Being a foster sister, all my life, I have seen the system. There is a lot of bad stuff. And there are people who just do it for the money.

 

I would report it, poor baby, is already a foster child and he needs a good home. God forbid they adopt him. It had to be a rough spanking for redness to last that long.

 

And if she has excuses for bruises, time to report.

[LNC]

I want to clarify my comment - since I'm being quoted in the other thread.

I also wanted to apologize for what I said - didn't mean it the way I worded it! I said that I wanted to see "every foster child placed in loving Christian homes." I didn't mean exclusively. I shouldn't have said "every". I posted in haste, as I usually do!

 

What I meant to say was that I am in a church of many pro-adoption families. We have been the rare family to adopt through the foster system. This year a 2nd family did, but many have adopted through other means. Many families in our church go to great expense of money and time adopt children overseas bc of (in part) what they fear will be gov't. interference with child discipline methods & homeschooling. I've encouraged them that God is bigger than this - and you can obey the law while foster parenting and trust that God is at work in these little ones' lives. I don't share those fears by the way. I don't have any problem with those restrictions- I agree with them. I would like churches to overflowing with families who are involved in foster adoption. I think it brings great glory to God to care for the least of these. I would like every foster child to be in a loving home, and since I'm a Christian I worded it the way I did in haste. If I have any impatience, it is with Christians who avoid the foster system and the children who need homes because of fear.

 

I didn't mean to imply that non-Christians shouldn't foster parent, and I can see that it came across that way. So, I wanted to explain and apologize. If you have any more questions about what I've shared please let me know.

Edited February 10, 2009 by LNC

[LNC]

I want to clarify my comment - since I'm being quoted.

I also wanted to apologize for what I said - didn't mean it the way I worded it! I said that I wanted to see "every foster child placed in loving Christian homes." I didn't mean exclusively. I shouldn't have said "every". I posted in haste, as I usually do!

 

What I meant to say was that I am in a church of many pro-adoption families. We have been the rare family to adopt through the foster system. This year a 2nd family did, but many have adopted through other means. Many families in our church go to great expense of money and time adopt children overseas bc of (in part) what they fear will be gov't. interference with child discipline methods & homeschooling. I've encouraged them that God is bigger than this - and you can obey the law while foster parenting and trust that God is at work in these little ones' lives. I don't share those fears by the way. I don't have any problem with those restrictions- I agree with them. I would like churches to overflowing with families who are involved in foster adoption. I think it brings great glory to God to care for the least of these. I would like every foster child to be in a loving home, and since I'm a Christian I worded it the way I did in haste. If I have any impatience, it is with Christians who avoid the foster system and the children who need homes because of fear.

 

I didn't mean to imply that non-Christians shouldn't foster parent, and I can see that it came across that way. So, I wanted to explain and apologize. If you have any more questions about what I've shared please let me know.

[dawn of ns]

 

I didn't mean to imply that non-Christians shouldn't foster parent, and I can see that it came across that way. So, I wanted to explain and apologize. If you have any more questions about what I've shared please let me know.

 

Thank you for clearing that up! :) I did take the wrong meaning from your post originally so I'm relieved to see that's not what you meant.

[dawn of ns]

double post

Edited February 11, 2009 by dawn of ns

[kalanamak]

 

I didn't mean to imply that non-Christians shouldn't foster parent, and I can see that it came across that way.

 

I wondered....it seemed out of character for you.