Adoptees: what are your thoughts about open adoption?

[msjones]

I hope I can phrase my question well -- I truly have no intention of criticizing anyone's parenting decisions related to adoption. But the other adult adoptee thread has started me thinking.

 

I was adopted as an infant in 1969. My parents were very open about my having been adopted, and I just accepted it. It didn't seem like anything negative or even worthy of much attention. I have given my adoption very little thought up until recently.

 

I've been thinking about it because my mom has begun making comments about it. Comments about how we aren't "officially" family. These comments started around the time my sister's babies were born. (My sister is my mom's only biological child -- she adopted 3 and then became pregnant.) These comments don't seem intended to hurt me, but come across more like simple observations.

 

So, here is my question. If you are an adult adoptee, what do you think about today's approach to adoption -- the letters and/or visits to the birthmom, the heritage celebrations, the 'coming home' parties?

 

Just the few comments from my mom about being adopted have me feeling like an outsider -- for the very first time in my life! Apparently, she does NOT feel the same way about her bio daughter and her adopted daughter (as I had previously been told). I'm very much wishing my mom had kept her thoughts to herself. I wonder how adopted kids feel when their adoption is emphasized through today's 'openness.'

 

Have any of you fellow adoptees had this kind of openness? How do you feel about it? Do you think is has helped? Or is this question pointless because every family/mother/child is so different?

 

Again, no criticism intended here. I'm just genuinely curious about others' experiences.

[MrsMe]

I was adopted as well and my mom told me right away about it, so I always grew up knowing.

 

I hate open adoptions. It gives the birthmom undue rights. It's like they don't want to or can't raise them, but they want the best of both worlds. Someone to take care of their kid and the rights to birthdays, letters, etc.

 

If the child wants to find it's birthmom later when they're of age, then fine, help them, but to have this open adoption balogney with birthdays and letters and once a year garbage is just that. I think it takes away from the child's real, adoptive family for bonding, and gives rights to a birth parent who gave the rights up. That's what adoption is. It also takes away the child's right to know. My brother never wanted to know and didn't care. I did and when I was of age, I talked to my birthmom. The child deserves that right to choose at an adult age. And that takes away any child's right.

[amyable]

I think I pretty much believe as alilac above.

 

I was adopted at 7 weeks and have always known.

 

Huh, I've written and deleted this post a bunch of times now. Seems I don't know WHAT I think. :lol:

 

I think all of adoption treats the child like an object to be gained, a prize to be won, whether open or closed. I blogged about it here (warning: it's a blog of my thoughts about my own adoption. I can imagine that adoptive parents may be hurt by some things I say, but I'm only talking of my own situation. Be kind if you visit and comment.)

 

Before I had kids, I thought I was all for open adoption. THEN we had fertility troubles, and looked into adopting before we had our first. When I thought about a birth mother coming in and out of the life of the child I had raised, I was immediately shaken with a very strong feeling of no way, not MY child! I surprised myself with that one!

 

I'm interested in what everyone has to say on the subject.

 

ETA: I forgot to answer your part about heritage celebrations and adoption day parties, etc. I like the idea of heritage celebrations, IF the child wants it. The child has the right to celebrate his/her true personhood, which includes his nationalities, the fact that he IS adopted, everything that makes him, him (or her, her of course). I don't know if I like the idea of making it all a BIG deal though. I do think it's better than ignoring it completely, like my father wanted to. He is extremely possessive of me as HIS daughter, and would like to totally deny to this day that I'm adopted, have blood relatives other than them. Which totally denies who I really am. It's all fake.

 

Sorry I'm not writing this very well. I have so many confusing feelings on it all.

Edited February 4, 2009 by amyable

[Twinmom]

Are you interested in the point of view of an adoptive parent who is thrilled to have open adoptions? If so, I'll comment more fully.

[msjones]

Sure, I'd be interested in the viewpoint of an adoptive parent. It seems to me that I would feel like an alien in my family if I had had all that contact with another parent. I really hadn't felt different at all until it started being discussed. So I don't know what a lifetime of discussion and visitation would have done to me. I'm open to hearing about any experiences.

[msjones]

I was adopted as well and my mom told me right away about it, so I always grew up knowing.

 

I hate open adoptions. It gives the birthmom undue rights. It's like they don't want to or can't raise them, but they want the best of both worlds. Someone to take care of their kid and the rights to birthdays, letters, etc.

 

If the child wants to find it's birthmom later when they're of age, then fine, help them, but to have this open adoption balogney with birthdays and letters and once a year garbage is just that. I think it takes away from the child's real, adoptive family for bonding, and gives rights to a birth parent who gave the rights up. That's what adoption is. It also takes away the child's right to know. My brother never wanted to know and didn't care. I did and when I was of age, I talked to my birthmom. The child deserves that right to choose at an adult age. And that takes away any child's right.

 

I have similar thoughts...

It seems that whatever is done should be done in the interest of the child -- not the relinquishing parent. We are liscenced foster parents (no foster kids at this time, however) and I was shocked by the level of openness endorsed by DSHS. Foster parents are encouraged to tell EVERYTHING about why a child is not with a birth parent. I can say without hesitation, there are certain things I just wouldn't want/need to know as an adoptee. Some things are better left unsaid. (I wasn't a very popular gal in the foster parent training classes. ;))

[JWSJ]

My wife and I have been investigating domestic adoption for a few years.

 

We were surprised to see open adoptions as more of the rule than traditional/closed adoptions.

 

The only explanation we've been given for this is that birth mothers are more willing to consider and utlimately go with adoption if it is open.

 

We're surprised to see so many prospective adoptive parents supporting open adoption and that traditional adoption is seen in a negative light.

 

We know a few couples that have adopted internationally in part to avoid open adoptions situations.

[Twinmom]

Sure, I'd be interested in the viewpoint of an adoptive parent. It seems to me that I would feel like an alien in my family if I had had all that contact with another parent. I really hadn't felt different at all until it started being discussed. So I don't know what a lifetime of discussion and visitation would have done to me. I'm open to hearing about any experiences.

 

 

Sorry so long to respond...had kiddos who needed teaching! ;)

 

We've had three out of the four of our kiddos involved in open adoption since day one. The fourth is in an unfortunate situation where the birth mother knows who and where we are, but will not respond even to direct pleas from our daughter. We're hoping that will change someday, as it hurts her deeply. Thankfully, we do have a glimmer of hope on that front, and the birth family of our boys has embraced her as their own to fill some of the void.

 

In any case, we are extremely comfortable with open adoption in part because I used to direct an adoption agency. There, I was able to get to know all members of the adoption "triad" and see where they were coming from. We decided that for us, secrecy made no sense. I'd personally seen how much most birth parents loved and wanted the best for their children even at great cost to themselves...why keep them away, esp. when it helps the child? I'd seen many adoptive children suffer through not knowing their roots, wondering if they'd been loved by their birth families or feeling disconnected from reality when secrets were kept. I'd also seen many adoptive parents feel more entitled to be the parents of their adoptive children when they'd met the birth parents and been a part of the relinquishment process, and seen deep friendships develop as a result. We insisted on open adoptions for our family...thankfully, we can still have hopes for the final one to work out!

 

Anyway, as far as our children go, it's been a wonderful experience for them. We've been honest about who they are and where they came from since the beginning and answer all questions asked as best we can (and if we can't, we can always call on the birth parent to do it!). Our birth parents come and spend the weekend at our house, and we go to their home as well. We know extended family and exchange Christmas cards. The kids love it because they know that they are loved all around. They don't doubt that we are their parents...they know who changed those diapers, feeds them every day and is always there for them! Frankly, adoptive parents seem to be the only ones who get occasionally confused on this front, and in our case the birth parents are quick to straighten us out! I can recall many, many times when our birth mother reminded me that she was awfully glad she wasn't the one who had to tell those little darlings "no" and smack their bottoms! ;) I've never felt more "entitled" to be a parent than at those moments. She knew I was doing a better job than she could have, and she'd let me know all about it.

 

The fact that our children know and love their biological parents just says to them that their origins are okay...that there was no little dirty secret to their birth, just two sets of parents who loved and made sacrifices for them and continue to love them now. Essentially, we want it to become part of their "story," but to be a non-issue, IYKWIM. We openly discuss their bio siblings as kids who are their brothers and sisters, just in a different way because they don't grow up together. The birth mother (we adopted a sib group) and I have developed a love and respect for each other that has grown into a deep friendship. The two of us share a bond that no one else in the world can share. She's one of my best friends.

 

My hope is that all of this will allow my children to grow up secure in the knowledge that they are loved, that they are okay, that their adoption wasn't a random event but rather something planned out by God and by people who loved them enough to sacrifice deeply for them. I want them to know that they healed my heart when they came and that I am okay with how my family was made...in my heart rather than in my body. I want them to know that I think their "roots" are darn terrific folks and are welcome here anytime.

 

HTH.

Edited February 5, 2009 by Twinmom

[Jackie in NE]

Our oldest is our bio-child, and our other three are all adopted through open adoptions. I don't have the perspective that you're looking for, since I'm not adopted myself, but I just wanted to send you a great big :grouphug:!! I'm really sorry that your Mom is making such insensitive comments. I can see how this would really shake your world. I also want you to know that even bio-kids can be recipients of equally insensitive comments.... like the several times my mom has emphasized the fact that my dad was "very unhappy when he learned my mom was pregnant with me because they hadn't planned on having anymore children". What possible good could come from a statement like that? Same with your mom's comment....what possible good could come from it?

 

I guess that's all I have to say....just :grouphug: to you.

 

Be strong in who you are. God created you and loves you.....(and I don't know your religious persuasion, so I hope that doesn't offend you).

 

Jackie

[Christy B]

I was adopted in 1971, a totally closed adoption.

 

First of all, I think every situation is unique. I don't think all adoptions should be open, nor do I think they should all be closed. And yes, ultimately, the best interest of the *child* should be the priority.

 

Here's the problem: who gets to decide the best interest of the child? Not the child. Parents (both bio and adoptive) have to make a judgment call as to what is best for the child. Without being able to see into the future, it's at best an educated guess, as to what will ultimately be the best.

 

I can only speak for my own personal experience, which is growing up bearing the burden of "protecting" my adoptive parents from all of my emotions regarding my own adoption. To be sad or confused about being adopted was tantamount to saying that I hated my parents and wished they hadn't adopted me. So, I could not express sadness, confusion, mixed feelings -- I had to be happy, happy, happy. That was way, way too much to deal with as a child. My parents had no training, no counseling, no one to explain to them what it *really* meant to adopt a child. They just drove to the agency and picked me up, like a puppy.

 

Open or closed, parents of adoptive children have to come to grips with the fact that there is going to be some "stuff" to deal with; bio and adoptive families need to be ready to deal with the emotional baggage that comes with adoption. I am a huge, huge proponent of adoption, but only insofar as people are ready to deal honestly with the fact that even in the very, very best of situations (which I was blessed to have) there are consequences and that the best adoptive parents in the world (which I was blessed to have) do not change the fact that an adopted child is missing the "biological norm" of genetic parents. It's not a bad thing, it's just a fact.

 

I personally think that open adoptions are more realistic and ultimately healthier. IMO, the people who stand to benefit most from a closed adoption are the adoptive parents, because it allows them to maintain full control over the child and the bio parents.

 

My very favorite resource regarding adoption is Nancy Verrier. You can read her articles here.

[CookieMonster]

I hate open adoptions. It gives the birthmom undue rights. It's like they don't want to or can't raise them, but they want the best of both worlds. Someone to take care of their kid and the rights to birthdays, letters, etc.

 

If the child wants to find it's birthmom later when they're of age, then fine, help them, but to have this open adoption balogney with birthdays and letters and once a year garbage is just that. I think it takes away from the child's real, adoptive family for bonding, and gives rights to a birth parent who gave the rights up. That's what adoption is.

 

(I am not an adoptee, but the sister of two adopted brothers.)

 

I have always felt this way about open adoptions. It sounds great when you first consider the idea as an adoptive parent - all warm and cozy and lovely. I think the cases where this is true would be few and far between. I am, to this day, glad for one failed adoption of my parents because the grandmother in the situation would have caused problem after problem after problem for my family year after year. (She still contacts my stepmother - and the child never successfully went up for adoption!) It would have been a terrible drain on us emotionally and very difficult for the child growing up.

[MeanestMomInMidwest]

I was adopted as well and my mom told me right away about it, so I always grew up knowing.

 

I hate open adoptions. It gives the birthmom undue rights. It's like they don't want to or can't raise them, but they want the best of both worlds. Someone to take care of their kid and the rights to birthdays, letters, etc.

 

If the child wants to find it's birthmom later when they're of age, then fine, help them, but to have this open adoption balogney with birthdays and letters and once a year garbage is just that. I think it takes away from the child's real, adoptive family for bonding, and gives rights to a birth parent who gave the rights up. That's what adoption is. It also takes away the child's right to know. My brother never wanted to know and didn't care. I did and when I was of age, I talked to my birthmom. The child deserves that right to choose at an adult age. And that takes away any child's right.

Bolded for my emphasis. This is like a kick in the gut to any woman, who at the age of 17 found herself pregnant by an abusive partner, escaped the situation, and wanted the best for the unborn child. For *most* birthmothers, adoption is the hardest decision they will ever make, bar none. A decision that stays with her for the rest of her life, and the sense of loss that is felt at every stage of life is only lessened a tiny bit by hearing and seeing, through cards and notes, that the child she loved enough to sacrifice selfish desires on the altar of adoption, is growing into a happy, well-adjusted child, teen, adult.

I dare not write more, because anything further would be very personal and not very nice to you.

[Happy]

I My parents had no training, no counseling, no one to explain to them what it *really* meant to adopt a child. They just drove to the agency and picked me up, like a puppy.

 

 

 

As an adoptive mom, I have to speak to this. There is no way that picking up a child from an agency is like picking up a puppy. I've done both. Perhaps this sentence was meant to be a joke, but it really hit a nerve with me.

 

My two adoptive sons have NO idea the struggle we went through to become parents. Years of fertility treatments. Stacks of paperwork. Time on our knees praying to know what God would have us do. Even if my sons know the story, they can't yet understand the pain involved.

 

I had months of 'labor' to become a parent. It was never easy.

 

One of my sons hates being adopted and has since he really figured it out at age four. He is an adult now and seems to have found some peace with it, but I'm the one he screamed he hated and I wasn't his mother during those lovely teen years. If I had known what HE needed, I'd have given it to him. And we did counseling and every thing we could think of to fill the broken parts of his heart....But just like birth parents, adoptive parents don't always know what that particular child needs. In his case, an open adoption might have helped. I really don't know. The boy seemed made of storm clouds.

 

My other son is just the opposite. He grew up saying how lucky he was to have one mom that couldn't take care of him and one who could. This boy is made of sunshine.

 

I've found this thread interesting and illuminating. I appreciate the opportunity to be open and forthright about my perspective.

[msjones]

As an adoptive mom, I have to speak to this. There is no way that picking up a child from an agency is like picking up a puppy. I've done both. Perhaps this sentence was meant to be a joke, but it really hit a nerve with me.

 

My two adoptive sons have NO idea the struggle we went through to become parents. Years of fertility treatments. Stacks of paperwork. Time on our knees praying to know what God would have us do. Even if my sons know the story, they can't yet understand the pain involved.

 

I had months of 'labor' to become a parent. It was never easy.

 

One of my sons hates being adopted and has since he really figured it out at age four. He is an adult now and seems to have found some peace with it, but I'm the one he screamed he hated and I wasn't his mother during those lovely teen years. If I had known what HE needed, I'd have given it to him. And we did counseling and every thing we could think of to fill the broken parts of his heart....But just like birth parents, adoptive parents don't always know what that particular child needs. In his case, an open adoption might have helped. I really don't know. The boy seemed made of storm clouds.

 

My other son is just the opposite. He grew up saying how lucky he was to have one mom that couldn't take care of him and one who could. This boy is made of sunshine.

 

I've found this thread interesting and illuminating. I appreciate the opportunity to be open and forthright about my perspective.

 

This is how I HAD been feeling about my adopted-ness -- like your "sunshiney" son. Then my mom comes out with this "you're not official" stuff. Hmm... I have a lot of respect for my mom and don't expect her to be everything I need or want in a mother.

 

I'm realizing that I'll have to come back to this thread later today when I have more time. My feeling about this are so complicated and I need to start school with the boys. (My feelings about this never used to be complicated...I'd like that to be the case again...)

[amyable]

As an adoptive mom, I have to speak to this. There is no way that picking up a child from an agency is like picking up a puppy. I've done both. Perhaps this sentence was meant to be a joke, but it really hit a nerve with me.

 

I am not the original writer mentioning puppies, but as an adopted person, I can almost assure you she did NOT mean it as a joke. These are *real* feelings we have as adopted people. As real as your feelings of pain in "laboring" for your children. Please don't dismiss them. There is pain on all sides of the adoption process.

 

I don't mean to target you, but many of the posts going around in this thread, which was supposed to be for adoptees discussing their feelings, are hurtful to us. I *do* understand how reading it can be painful to other parts of the adoption triad. But we do have our own pains. I hope you can all understand.

 

ETA: I didn't mean to say other parts of the "triad" can't comment here, but at least let us have our own feelings about things without shooting them down for being "wrong" or "hurtful". We don't mean to hurt anyone, we are just expressing our own pain.

Edited February 5, 2009 by amyable

[Happy]

This is how I HAD been feeling about my adopted-ness -- like your "sunshiney" son. Then my mom comes out with this "you're not official" stuff. Hmm... I have a lot of respect for my mom and don't expect her to be everything I need or want in a mother.

 

I'm realizing that I'll have to come back to this thread later today when I have more time. My feeling about this are so complicated and I need to start school with the boys. (My feelings about this never used to be complicated...I'd like that to be the case again...)

 

Can I just say I'd like to smack your mom in your behalf?!?!?!

 

Sigh......It's so complicated. I have a brother (by blood) who despises me. Aren't we all supposed to love each other? My parents are dead and he is my closest living relative. He hates me...and we used to be very close. Go figure.

 

I'm so sorry for your pain. You are a *real* person, you have value. I'm willing to wager you brought your mom great joy throughout your life. Forgive her as best you can. Savor all the good in your life and let the not so good blow away...for your own sake.

 

:grouphug:

[MamaT]

As the mom of two adoptive daughters and four biological sons, I have to say that I am glad our adoptions were closed. If they had grown up having contact with another family, I feel it would have given them the idea that they weren't as much a part of OUR family as our boys. They know they are adopted and we talk about it openly (they are a different race, so it is obvious anyway).

 

If and when they decide (at least 18 years old) that they want to find their birth mothers, I will gladly help them do that. As children, I think that would be too much to handle.

 

We adopted domestically, but through an adoption attorney instead of an agency to avoid open adoption.

 

I'm sorry your adoptive mom hurt you with her comments. I try to be aware of what I say to them about their being adopted and never make a difference between them and our biological children.

 

:grouphug: to you.

[Twinmom]

I am not the original writer mentioning puppies, but as an adopted person, I can almost assure you she did NOT mean it as a joke. These are *real* feelings we have as adopted people. As real as your feelings of pain in "laboring" for your children. Please don't dismiss them. There is pain on all sides of the adoption process.

 

If I needed to give a defense of open adoption, you've just described eloquently the reasons why I think it's important. Open adoption is not just "letting" the birth parents see the child. It's so much more than that. It's letting all sides of the adoption triad be honest and open about their feelings and about letting them do so together, face to face. I let my children talk about their own feelings of loss and abandonment without judging them, even when it hurts me, as does their birth mother. I let them talk about feeling a lack of control and support their efforts to gain some. We talk about God's role in all this, and how what seems random to us is well planned to Him. I talk about my personal experience as an adoptive parent in order to let my children understand that they were planned and worked for, desperately wanted. I let the birth mom talk about her experience so that the child will know her pain and why she made the choices she made...out of love for them.

 

We love each other, so we talk through everything whenever we need to, no matter how much it hurts. We learn the truth about each other's experiences, in an effort to understand each other, heal our collective wounds and bond together as a family. We can probably do that here on the board as well, if we choose to do so. We're sort of all in this together, if you think about it.

[LND1218]

I think it's very important to hear and accept your child's feelings no matter how "off" they are from what really is.

 

If they don't feel loved (or something else), it really doesn't matter how loved they really are because it's not getting to them. Does that make sense? Feelings are just that feelings - they aren't always factual. But that still how they feel. I think that is something a parent needs to address and deal with in very caring way.

 

Adoption comes with a loss. It's something that a child must grieve and deal with. I think a-parents need to understand that and accept that. That is in no way a reflection of us. I know my dd struggles with wondering about her life if she was with b-mom, but she is also happy to be in our family. I imagine that is hard thing for a child to deal with. (I know she struggles more because we currently have no contact.)

 

I also think there is no one size fits all for adoption. There is a range of what open means. Every situation is different ~ every b-mom is different ~ every child is different.

 

We have a wonderful b-mom and a not so wonderful b-mom. I think as a-parents we have to navigate this the best we can. I think it's up to us to decide what's best for the child (since we are the parents) until that child can decide for themselves. Sometimes in some situations closed is best. Sometimes open is best. I believe each adoption has to be decided individually.

 

Overall, I believe an open situation is the best for the child. How open doesn't really matter. I think it is very helpful to a child to know they at least have access to information should they want it. But sometimes open isn't going to happen or isn't good and that's okay. We almost adopted an abandonded baby (interstate fell through). We knew nothing - there would have been no contact. That was just his reality. With a friend of mine dd's b-parents are drug addicts, a relationship is not healthy there. And those closed adoption can not only be fine they are best for the child.

But overall I am an advocate for and believe that an open adoption is way to go.

 

Our son has a completely open relationship with b-mom and her family. It's really quite amazing. We have even left our kids with b-family. I think he will benefit from it. B-mom was herself adopted. Should the day ever come when he isn't then that door will need to close. I don't see that happening because b-mom understands adoption for so many sides. And her family is so supportive.

 

On the other hand the door is currently closed on our dd's adoption. And is for her protection and ours. It is very hard on her, and I am very sad about the situation. But b-mom isn't interested in what is best for dd. It's very sad.... I see dd's hurt over that.

 

Adoption comes with many heartaches on all sides, but it also has many blessings on all sides. Ultimately, I believe that God will use all these things to His glory. And I pray for His grace to heal and comfort all the hurts and pain our children will have about their adoptions. I can't fix it, but I can love them through it.

Edited February 5, 2009 by Steph

[Mom2GirlsTX]

Can I just say I'd like to smack your mom in your behalf?!?!?!

 

Sigh......It's so complicated. I

:grouphug:

 

:iagree:

I'm an adoptive mom, and I am sitting here with tears in my eyes reading this. I so badly want to be the best mom possible to both my kids (bio and adopted). I do not want there to ever be a difference in my love. I can only hope I can be as good a mother as my two treasures deserve. I will support my daughter through whatever emotions she has regarding adoption, I don't want her feelings to be suppressed because she would worry about hurting my feelings, because it is not about me, it is about her happiness, not mine. I truly appreciate you adult adoptees expressing your feelings, because perhaps it can help me to be a better parent to my daughter in recognizing her feelings and being supportive of them.

[Christy B]

I am not the original writer mentioning puppies, but as an adopted person, I can almost assure you she did NOT mean it as a joke. These are *real* feelings we have as adopted people. As real as your feelings of pain in "laboring" for your children. Please don't dismiss them. There is pain on all sides of the adoption process.

 

I don't mean to target you, but many of the posts going around in this thread, which was supposed to be for adoptees discussing their feelings, are hurtful to us. I *do* understand how reading it can be painful to other parts of the adoption triad. But we do have our own pains. I hope you can all understand.

 

ETA: I didn't mean to say other parts of the "triad" can't comment here, but at least let us have our own feelings about things without shooting them down for being "wrong" or "hurtful". We don't mean to hurt anyone, we are just expressing our own pain.

 

This is exactly what I was trying to express in my comments regarding having to "protect" my adoptive parents from my feelings. It does often feel as if adoptees are NOT ALLOWED to have any feelings on the issue. Sorry, it doesn't work that way. The adopted child is the *only* person in the situation who has no control or say whatsoever, and there are often very strong emotions -- and yes, as you said, pain -- that go with that. Thank you for understanding this and expanding on it with your comments.

[amyable]

We love each other, so we talk through everything whenever we need to, no matter how much it hurts. We learn the truth about each other's experiences, in an effort to understand each other, heal our collective wounds and bond together as a family. We can probably do that here on the board as well, if we choose to do so. We're sort of all in this together, if you think about it.

 

I think it's very important to hear and accept your child's feelings no matter how "off" they are from what really is. ...

 

Adoption comes with many heartaches on all sides, but it also has many blessings on all sides. Ultimately, I believe that God will use all these things to His glory. And I pray for His grace to heal and comfort all the hurts and pain our children will have about their adoptions. I can't fix it, but I can love them through it.

 

I loved what you both said here.

 

I am probably against open adoption from seeing through the lens of my own family. In our case, I think open would have been bad. My dad is a control freak, and extremely possessive of me as "his daughter". If bio-mom had made ONE "wrong" move, we never would have heard the end of it, and I would have blamed myself (yet again) for "causing trouble" in the family. I've also worked with the foster system for several years, and I would NOT want the mothers I worked with in particular to have access to my adopted children if they were the moms. I worked with some of the worst cases, though, I'm SURE it is clouding my view of "normal/average."

 

I want to thank EVERYONE for sharing. Hugs to all of you, in all our pain.

[Christy B]

As an adoptive mom, I have to speak to this. There is no way that picking up a child from an agency is like picking up a puppy. I've done both. Perhaps this sentence was meant to be a joke, but it really hit a nerve with me.

 

My two adoptive sons have NO idea the struggle we went through to become parents. Years of fertility treatments. Stacks of paperwork. Time on our knees praying to know what God would have us do. Even if my sons know the story, they can't yet understand the pain involved.

 

I had months of 'labor' to become a parent. It was never easy.

 

One of my sons hates being adopted and has since he really figured it out at age four. He is an adult now and seems to have found some peace with it, but I'm the one he screamed he hated and I wasn't his mother during those lovely teen years. If I had known what HE needed, I'd have given it to him. And we did counseling and every thing we could think of to fill the broken parts of his heart....But just like birth parents, adoptive parents don't always know what that particular child needs. In his case, an open adoption might have helped. I really don't know. The boy seemed made of storm clouds.

 

My other son is just the opposite. He grew up saying how lucky he was to have one mom that couldn't take care of him and one who could. This boy is made of sunshine.

 

I've found this thread interesting and illuminating. I appreciate the opportunity to be open and forthright about my perspective.

 

My comment was not meant to be a joke, nor was it meant to be hurtful. I would never mean to imply that an adoptive parent would view adoption as picking up a puppy. My mom, too, prayed for years for a baby, and I know that the day she picked me up was the happiest of her life.

 

My point, which apparently I did not make clear, was that my parents were given NO instruction, counseling, or training on how to deal with the emotional fall-out of adoption. It sounds like you did, which is wonderful. As you have clearly seen, despite your best efforts as an adoptive mom, there are consequences and emotions that can not be predicted or controlled. I loved your comment that you tried to "fill the broken parts of his heart".

 

I will say that your comment that your other son is "made of sunshine" hit a nerve with me.

[Christy B]

:iagree:

I'm an adoptive mom, and I am sitting here with tears in my eyes reading this. I so badly want to be the best mom possible to both my kids (bio and adopted). I do not want there to ever be a difference in my love. I can only hope I can be as good a mother as my two treasures deserve. I will support my daughter through whatever emotions she has regarding adoption, I don't want her feelings to be suppressed because she would worry about hurting my feelings, because it is not about me, it is about her happiness, not mine. I truly appreciate you adult adoptees expressing your feelings, because perhaps it can help me to be a better parent to my daughter in recognizing her feelings and being supportive of them.

 

Your daughter is truly blessed.

 

This is exactly why I speak out on the issue, as painful as it is, and as often as I am misunderstood: if sharing my experience helps adoptive parents understand how their children can feel, then it is totally worth it.

 

Also, I want to say that I know that there are adoptees whose experience is completely different than mine; they never give their adoption a second thought, it never bothers them. I'm not suggested that every adopted person is the train-wreck that I am today. :tongue_smilie: That's great; more power to them. But, as another poster said, it's very hurtful when those of us who aren't "pure sunshine" are told that our feelings aren't valid.

[Christy B]

Have any of you fellow adoptees had this kind of openness? How do you feel about it? Do you think is has helped? Or is this question pointless because every family/mother/child is so different?

 

Again, no criticism intended here. I'm just genuinely curious about others' experiences.

 

I got off track in my post(s) and didn't actually answer your question: I think the question is *difficult*, because every family/mother/child is so different. But I don't think your question is pointless, by any means. And, I am truly and deeply sorry for the pain you are going through. It is real, it is *yours*, and I wish you peace as you work through these difficult issues.:grouphug:

[Christy B]

Bolded for my emphasis. This is like a kick in the gut to any woman, who at the age of 17 found herself pregnant by an abusive partner, escaped the situation, and wanted the best for the unborn child. For *most* birthmothers, adoption is the hardest decision they will ever make, bar none. A decision that stays with her for the rest of her life, and the sense of loss that is felt at every stage of life is only lessened a tiny bit by hearing and seeing, through cards and notes, that the child she loved enough to sacrifice selfish desires on the altar of adoption, is growing into a happy, well-adjusted child, teen, adult.

I dare not write more, because anything further would be very personal and not very nice to you.

 

This was the difficult choice that my birth-mom faced and I have often wondered if she feels this way.

[MeanestMomInMidwest]

This was the difficult choice that my birth-mom faced and I have often wondered if she feels this way.

I will happily discuss this with you privately

[Murphy101]

I think if the bio parents want to be involved they can let the agency know and then they will have to wait to see if the child contacts them when they are older. If the child doesn't contact them, then I don't think they should contact the child.

 

Same goes in reverse. If/when the child wants contact, I think they should let the agency know and if the bio parent has given permission/request for contact then fine - if not the child needs to accept that the bio parents do not want to be involved.

 

I know 2 people with open adoptions. One has gone okay I guess (I woudln't liek it, but it's not me). But the other has been a huge heartbreaking nightmare.

[Happy]

My comment was not meant to be a joke, nor was it meant to be hurtful. I would never mean to imply that an adoptive parent would view adoption as picking up a puppy. My mom, too, prayed for years for a baby, and I know that the day she picked me up was the happiest of her life.

 

My point, which apparently I did not make clear, was that my parents were given NO instruction, counseling, or training on how to deal with the emotional fall-out of adoption. It sounds like you did, which is wonderful. As you have clearly seen, despite your best efforts as an adoptive mom, there are consequences and emotions that can not be predicted or controlled. I loved your comment that you tried to "fill the broken parts of his heart".

 

I will say that your comment that your other son is "made of sunshine" hit a nerve with me.

 

 

Thank you for clarifying. The remark seemed very dismissive and flippant to me. I just wanted to make sure you had considered the 'other' side. (You'd be surprised how many adult children (adopted or not) forget their parents are real people.

 

As far as my youngest son being made from sunshine...my oldest is a walking, talking soap opera...we are talking issues with a capital I...depression, suicidal, brushes with the law, and flirtations with drugs....it has been all we could do to keep him alive, much less thriving. My youngest by comparison is smooth sailing on a soft summer day. It is not anything *I* did. I believe it is the way God created their personalities. I am sorry if you saw something hurtful in my remark.

 

This has been a fascinating thread to read. I am going to step back from posting further because I'm not answering the original posters questions. It's not my intention to hijack.

[msjones]

Bolded for my emphasis. This is like a kick in the gut to any woman, who at the age of 17 found herself pregnant by an abusive partner, escaped the situation, and wanted the best for the unborn child. For *most* birthmothers, adoption is the hardest decision they will ever make, bar none. A decision that stays with her for the rest of her life, and the sense of loss that is felt at every stage of life is only lessened a tiny bit by hearing and seeing, through cards and notes, that the child she loved enough to sacrifice selfish desires on the altar of adoption, is growing into a happy, well-adjusted child, teen, adult.

I dare not write more, because anything further would be very personal and not very nice to you.

 

This is why I have always felt thankful to have been adopted; thankful to my biological mother for her unselfishness, and thankful to my adopted mom for her lifetime of love and care. It's also the reason I really haven't wanted to initiate contact with my biological mom -- she was a teenage mom (only 15) and I don't know what kind of pain I may cause by contacting her. A closed adoption was her only choice back then, but I imagine (hope?) it may have provided her some peace of mind -- an assurance that she can 'move on' with her life.

 

But then, I'm conflicted, too. I wonder if she would like to know how I 'turned out.' Maybe she'd like to hear that I appreciate what she had the courage to do.

[Joanne]

My point, which apparently I did not make clear, was that my parents were given NO instruction, counseling, or training on how to deal with the emotional fall-out of adoption. It sounds like you did, which is wonderful. As you have clearly seen, despite your best efforts as an adoptive mom, there are consequences and emotions that can not be predicted or controlled. I loved your comment that you tried to "fill the broken parts of his heart".

 

 

 

I'm not adopted nor am I am adopted parent. I'm just an adult human being having grown up between the years 1966 and now and have some life experience.

 

So, please take my comments from that perspective. I'm only just now learning that the persons involved in the adoption process have identified and developed a vocabulary around certain phrasings, media and concepts to express their own particular experience. It is not my intention with this post to hurt anyone and if I do, it's completely inadvertant.

 

The above quote is important to this discussion, IMO. What *I* observe is a generation of parents where adoption was "closed" now have adult children who are in a generation where issues related to adoption are acknowledged, processed and expressed. The parents of the adult adopted children were typically under prepared for the *reality* of adoption, the feelings, the life definining aspects. They never fully understood or prepared and they are now older adults of grown children who have started the more healthy, authentic process. But in many cases, such as the thread that inspired this one and the words of the mom in the OP; these older parents act out of their ignorance (used in the true sense of the word).

 

Adoption is (again, IMO), not something you can package neatly for each situation. It's not a perfect, wonderful, seamless solution. While obviously it can be a blessing, it is also messy, confusing and life defining.

 

Ultimately, I think it's a good think that the community comprised of those intimately involved are "processing" and developing along the predictable pattern of groups that have a common "cause". There will be some extreme swings, some stumbles, some need to go pretty "far" in order to eventually put the whole adoption issue into the correct context.

 

In the meantime, the gap presented in the generations does create problems. One thing to remember is that, like with any major reality, issues of adoption are subject to the dynamics of the family. If the family is lacking in emotional health, so will the issues related to adoption (this is true of b-parents and the adoptive parents). It's true, also, of the children. If a child or adult child is not (yet) well emotionally, the reality of their adoption is a vulnerable place for dysfunction to show up.

 

 

It's so much more than that. It's letting all sides of the adoption triad be honest and open about their feelings and about letting them do so together, face to face.

 

I understand the intention behind it; and it's clearly the best situation if everyone is informed, engaged, intentional and ready for the maturity needed. The problem is when that standard is not met, the process - which is already cumbersome, difficult and tricky - is exacerbated.

 

{{{many tender hugs}}} to everyone hurt by any area of adoption.

[msjones]

Sorry so long to respond...had kiddos who needed teaching! ;)

 

We've had three out of the four of our kiddos involved in open adoption since day one. The fourth is in an unfortunate situation where the birth mother knows who and where we are, but will not respond even to direct pleas from our daughter. We're hoping that will change someday, as it hurts her deeply. Thankfully, we do have a glimmer of hope on that front, and the birth family of our boys has embraced her as their own to fill some of the void.

 

In any case, we are extremely comfortable with open adoption in part because I used to direct an adoption agency. There, I was able to get to know all members of the adoption "triad" and see where they were coming from. We decided that for us, secrecy made no sense. I'd personally seen how much most birth parents loved and wanted the best for their children even at great cost to themselves...why keep them away, esp. when it helps the child? I'd seen many adoptive children suffer through not knowing their roots, wondering if they'd been loved by their birth families or feeling disconnected from reality when secrets were kept. I'd also seen many adoptive parents feel more entitled to be the parents of their adoptive children when they'd met the birth parents and been a part of the relinquishment process, and seen deep friendships develop as a result. We insisted on open adoptions for our family...thankfully, we can still have hopes for the final one to work out!

 

Anyway, as far as our children go, it's been a wonderful experience for them. We've been honest about who they are and where they came from since the beginning and answer all questions asked as best we can (and if we can't, we can always call on the birth parent to do it!). Our birth parents come and spend the weekend at our house, and we go to their home as well. We know extended family and exchange Christmas cards. The kids love it because they know that they are loved all around. They don't doubt that we are their parents...they know who changed those diapers, feeds them every day and is always there for them! Frankly, adoptive parents seem to be the only ones who get occasionally confused on this front, and in our case the birth parents are quick to straighten us out! I can recall many, many times when our birth mother reminded me that she was awfully glad she wasn't the one who had to tell those little darlings "no" and smack their bottoms! ;) I've never felt more "entitled" to be a parent than at those moments. She knew I was doing a better job than she could have, and she'd let me know all about it.

 

The fact that our children know and love their biological parents just says to them that their origins are okay...that there was no little dirty secret to their birth, just two sets of parents who loved and made sacrifices for them and continue to love them now. Essentially, we want it to become part of their "story," but to be a non-issue, IYKWIM. We openly discuss their bio siblings as kids who are their brothers and sisters, just in a different way because they don't grow up together. The birth mother (we adopted a sib group) and I have developed a love and respect for each other that has grown into a deep friendship. The two of us share a bond that no one else in the world can share. She's one of my best friends.

 

My hope is that all of this will allow my children to grow up secure in the knowledge that they are loved, that they are okay, that their adoption wasn't a random event but rather something planned out by God and by people who loved them enough to sacrifice deeply for them. I want them to know that they healed my heart when they came and that I am okay with how my family was made...in my heart rather than in my body. I want them to know that I think their "roots" are darn terrific folks and are welcome here anytime.

 

HTH.

Jennifer,

This sounds so completely different from my family in every way! You sound like you deserve the gold medal for emotional health and maturity. Maybe you should write a book about your experience.

 

My mom, bless her, is not 'into' emotional health. She is a pragmatic kind of gal who takes things for what they are and then gets back to work. It's not really fair for me to expect her to be any different... but I'm still hurt and confused by things she has said recently.

[msjones]

Our oldest is our bio-child, and our other three are all adopted through open adoptions. I don't have the perspective that you're looking for, since I'm not adopted myself, but I just wanted to send you a great big :grouphug:!! I'm really sorry that your Mom is making such insensitive comments. I can see how this would really shake your world. I also want you to know that even bio-kids can be recipients of equally insensitive comments.... like the several times my mom has emphasized the fact that my dad was "very unhappy when he learned my mom was pregnant with me because they hadn't planned on having anymore children". What possible good could come from a statement like that? Same with your mom's comment....what possible good could come from it?

 

I guess that's all I have to say....just :grouphug: to you.

 

Be strong in who you are. God created you and loves you.....(and I don't know your religious persuasion, so I hope that doesn't offend you).

 

Jackie

 

Thanks for your kind words. Particularly helpful is your reminder that you needn't be adopted to hear these kinds of remarks from a parent. It helped me remember that my mom has been known to toss out thoughtless, extreme remarks. Her words are less painful when I remember that. Also, I'm trying to remember that we all have weaknesses; when I'm 73, I hope my adult children will be patient with my many shortcomings.

[msjones]

As the mom of two adoptive daughters and four biological sons, I have to say that I am glad our adoptions were closed. If they had grown up having contact with another family, I feel it would have given them the idea that they weren't as much a part of OUR family as our boys. They know they are adopted and we talk about it openly (they are a different race, so it is obvious anyway).

 

If and when they decide (at least 18 years old) that they want to find their birth mothers, I will gladly help them do that. As children, I think that would be too much to handle.

 

We adopted domestically, but through an adoption attorney instead of an agency to avoid open adoption.

 

I'm sorry your adoptive mom hurt you with her comments. I try to be aware of what I say to them about their being adopted and never make a difference between them and our biological children.

 

:grouphug: to you.

 

I'm sure my mom would have struggled if my adoption had been open. My brothers (different bio moms) were adopted, too, so that would have been a lot to manage. Actually, I don't think she would have adopted in the first place if a closed adoption hadn't been an option. I know she (like you) had tried not to emphasize any differences, but I think the differences were so emphasized by the birth of my sister's twins, that she 'blew it.'

[Christy B]

This is why I have always felt thankful to have been adopted; thankful to my biological mother for her unselfishness, and thankful to my adopted mom for her lifetime of love and care. It's also the reason I really haven't wanted to initiate contact with my biological mom -- she was a teenage mom (only 15) and I don't know what kind of pain I may cause by contacting her. A closed adoption was her only choice back then, but I imagine (hope?) it may have provided her some peace of mind -- an assurance that she can 'move on' with her life.

 

But then, I'm conflicted, too. I wonder if she would like to know how I 'turned out.' Maybe she'd like to hear that I appreciate what she had the courage to do.

 

Yes, yes, yes. This is exactly what I would have written, if I were articulate and rational. This is exactly how I see my birthmom (and her extended family, who supported her decision). And really and truly, worrying about BOTH of my mothers is the center of my "issues" about adoption.

[Christy B]

If a child or adult child is not (yet) well emotionally, the reality of their adoption is a vulnerable place for dysfunction to show up.

 

 

Well, I am seldom accused of being emotionally well, so that makes perfect sense to me. :tongue_smilie:

 

And you articulated very well my bumbling efforts to communicate the concept of the "generation gap"; that's exactly what I was getting at in pointing out that my parents had no concept, really, of what they were getting themselves in to.

[Twinmom]

Jennifer,

This sounds so completely different from my family in every way! You sound like you deserve the gold medal for emotional health and maturity. Maybe you should write a book about your experience.

 

My mom, bless her, is not 'into' emotional health. She is a pragmatic kind of gal who takes things for what they are and then gets back to work. It's not really fair for me to expect her to be any different... but I'm still hurt and confused by things she has said recently.

 

I don't deserve any medals...but thanks for the sweet sentiment! I am just lucky to have had the priviledge of working behind the scenes in adoption before I adopted myself. It pretty much changes things forever. I've watched a girl sob her way through signing a relinquishment, then placed her child in the arms of a couple that has cried on my shoulder about their infertility. To see them then love on each other through their pain is an incredible experience...one that I wanted to repeat for my own children.

 

I'm sorry about your mom. Pragmatic or not, I'll bet she'd be horrified if she knew she'd hurt you. In any case, you are wise to see her for who she is and respect her for that. She adopted in an era much different than mine when adoption just wasn't talked about, and you can't change that reality. It's also true the fact that you can't change the fact that regardless of what she was taught about adoption, she is probably crazy in love with you whether she communicates it well or not. Despite a lack of communication, please remember that your feelings are valid and real. If you can't discuss them with her, find someone you CAN discuss them with and go for it!

 

:grouphug:

[LibraryLover]

As an adoptive parent, I would love for this to have been an option. My introspective child would love to have contact and info. I wish I could give my child that gift. My love, and dc's need of my love, is separate from the need to have a connection to a biological past/present. My dc would benefit from that connection.

[MamaSheep]

I am following this thread with great interest, but have been unsure whether to contribute. I don't want to hijack the thread at all, but I would LOVE to hear whatever advice the adult adoptees on this thread might be willing to give me.

 

We are currently in the process of attempting to adopt through the foster system, but have not yet found our child. I also have an older brother who was adopted. We have two biological children already (interestingly, one stormy and the other sunshiney. In at least our case we can't blame it on adoption or birth parent genes, we get to take full credit for both Dr. Jeckyl AND Mr. Hyde--and y'know, I wouldn't have them any other way. They both amaze and interest and delight me in their own unique ways.

 

Growing up, my brother and I and our other siblings all knew that the only real difference in his status in the family was that our parents brought him home from an adoption agency (as an infant) and brought us home from the hospital. He grew in another mommy's tummy, but there wasn't a daddy in her family and she couldn't take care of a baby all by herself, so she sent him to live with our family where he could have a mommy AND a daddy. She loved him very much. (I have never heard them speak of his birth mother with anything other than respect and love, but as has been pointed out, adoption was a different animal 40 years ago so we never knew much about her.) We also knew that our parents had tried hard for five years to have a baby, and then they had a baby who was stillborn before deciding to adopt (we all look forward to meeting him in heaven). I was born a year after they adopted my brother (he's 17 months older than me) and five more bio siblings followed. We joke sometimes about how we knew he was "supposed" to be the oldest, but he had a kind of convoluted journey to get to the family and we all had to wait until he got there before we could start arriving. I don't see any difference at all in how his children are treated by my parents or siblings, and we certainly consider his kids every bit as much our nieces and nephews as my other siblings kids. (His wife will sometimes make comments about how their family isn't "really" related to the rest of us, but it's all in fun.) But I will be honest and say that there were times when there was a little bit of a subtle rivalry between the two of us, I think largely because we were so close in age. I knew my parents had dreamed, and hoped, and worked for him for a long time, and oh how excited they were finally to have their baby. And then I just sort of showed up. Lol. That was NOT how my parents put it at all, each of us kids had a "how you came to the family" story, and mine included my poor dad delaying a research trip for his doctoral degree as long as possible, while the pregnancy went on and on and ON past the due date, until he couldn't put it off any longer, and he got to hear about me being born on a radio connected to a telephone line somewhere above the arctic circle, and I have a scarf made with musk ox wool that he brought back and my mother spun and knitted for me. I KNOW I was as much loved and wanted as my brother, and they were as excited to have me as they were to have him, but still, I think there was a little bit of a "thing" between the two of us for a while. I "sort of" felt they wanted him more, and he felt "sort of", I think, that I was trying to replace him--not that any of that was a conscious thought that either of us expressed growing up. It's just that, as has been pointed out, adoption involves complicated feelings for EVERYONE involved.

 

So I have SOME experience with adoption, from one angle, and in a successful situation. But I'm breathing down the neck of a whole other KIND of adoptive situation as we work through all the hurdles and heartaches of seeking to adopt an older child through the foster program. I KNOW that I'm up against a whole lot of additional factors with an older child that were not as present in a closed infant adoption 40 years ago, and the maelstrom of "feelings" is one of my biggest concerns. The feelings of the new child especially, but also those of our current children, and our own, and those of any birth family or former foster families that we will need to maintain a relationship with. I WANT my new child to be able to talk to me about his or her feelings and to know that I want to hear their true feelings, not an artificial happyface put on for my benefit.

 

So my question is HOW? How do I let them know that it's safe to express their real, deep, mixed-up feelings about me, about their new siblings, about their birth family, about their crazy situation? How do I make sure they understand that I can take it? That I'm not going to fall apart if they say something non-sunshiney to me? How can I validate their feelings of hurt and abandonment, and of being passed around like a hot-potato and picked up like a puppy at the pound by some stranger, while still letting them know that they are WANTED and were worked for, and that my heart anticipated them every bit as much as my biological children. (It does feel oddly like being pregnant with an uncertain due date that could be anytime between next week and five years from now...sigh...)

 

How?

[msjones]

I don't deserve any medals...but thanks for the sweet sentiment! I am just lucky to have had the priviledge of working behind the scenes in adoption before I adopted myself. It pretty much changes things forever. I've watched a girl sob her way through signing a relinquishment, then placed her child in the arms of a couple that has cried on my shoulder about their infertility. To see them then love on each other through their pain is an incredible experience...one that I wanted to repeat for my own children.

 

I'm sorry about your mom. Pragmatic or not, I'll bet she'd be horrified if she knew she'd hurt you. In any case, you are wise to see her for who she is and respect her for that. She adopted in an era much different than mine when adoption just wasn't talked about, and you can't change that reality. It's also true the fact that you can't change the fact that regardless of what she was taught about adoption, she is probably crazy in love with you whether she communicates it well or not. Despite a lack of communication, please remember that your feelings are valid and real. If you can't discuss them with her, find someone you CAN discuss them with and go for it!

 

:grouphug:

 

You sound just like my husband! He thinks (and he's right) that my mom just can't say what she means and so I need to keep that in mind when hearing what she says. I really love my mom, and she'll never be the gal who'll sit and have a heart-to-heart about anything like adoption issues. But, she'll do any number of practical things for me to demonstrate her love.

 

This stuff has been on my mind a lot the last couple of days (I've not given it this much thought in all of my adult life!), and it's been good to read all the other perspectives. I especially liked hearing from adoptive moms -- it helps to try to see things from my mom's perspective. So, thank you to all who shared.

 

My poor mom is just not emotionally healthy at ALL. So, I know I need to love her as she is and not expect her to 'learn new tricks.' That would be a path to disappointment and bitterness for me. I think that's where I've been heading as I let myself focus on her hurtful remarks. I'm sure there's a balance somewhere...I don't want to just let her verbally smack me around, but I also don't want to lay down and roll around in the pain of her remarks.

 

I'm trying to think about how I'll want to be treated by my kids when I'm her age.

 

I could go on all day, but I need to start school. Thanks to all who shared...I'm still new-ish to the message board world and feel strangely encouraged by you all. ;)

[lvbnhome]

It was the best thing that I ever did. And I am so grateful for the family I chose, and God's ultimate goodness..

years later...

to give me my own little ones to raise...and praise God for homeschooling!

 

Open adoption may need to be defined here. Our adoption was "open" for as long as I chose, but I made a commitment for the first 6 months, through cards, photos, etc. For me, to do visitation, etc... well, I did not choose that, as I wanted a more "normal" life for my baby, but it allowed me to heal, as well. It brought closure in a good way. A birthmom often experiences much of the same feelings women go through when they have a child die. I remember my arms just feeling so painful...and needing to be rubbed.

It is a real paradox. Death to self, but life, as well.

 

However, comments like the post.below. are harsh, narrow, and seem very cruel to moms who have placed babies. After having been in that situation, and then reading these words, I think I do understand why girls & women do choose other options. It not only hurts, but comments like this make it harder for those women. Not for me, as an adult, I have a filter and peace with my own decision :)

 

Life is the most precious gift any mother can give their baby... It is the most selfless thing I have ever done.. and having been a part of seeing what other birthmothers experience, I feel I can safely say, this quote below seems to me to be spoken from one who has no understanding from a birthmothers point of view.

 

Mothers, who give birth ...to give away..and mothers who receive those babies...both :) have HEARTS OPEN WIDE...no yelling with the caps intended.....just rejoicing in all the good mothers do everyday :grouphug:

"I hate open adoptions. It gives the birthmom undue rights. It's like they don't want to or can't raise them, but they want the best of both worlds. Someone to take care of their kid and the rights to birthdays, letters, etc. "

[Catherine]

ANYONE would ever, ever make the incredibly painful choice to have a baby and place it in an adoptive home. To see birth moms vilified in this way is so painful and I am not a birth mom! No wonder so many pregnant teens choose to terminate pregnancies.

 

I have a dear friend is a birthmom. She gave birth at 17 and gave up her daughter for adoption. She's described the pain she endured not knowing if she'd ever be able to later be in a situation to have and support a child (she did) and how often she looks at people on the street, wondering if they are her daughter.

 

I just want to say for myself, I have the deepest admiration for birthmoms and what they've chosen to do for their child and another family. I don't agree at all that open adoptions give the birthmom too much power.

[Christy B]

I am following this thread with great interest, but have been unsure whether to contribute. I don't want to hijack the thread at all, but I would LOVE to hear whatever advice the adult adoptees on this thread might be willing to give me. . . .

 

 

So my question is HOW? How do I let them know that it's safe to express their real, deep, mixed-up feelings about me, about their new siblings, about their birth family, about their crazy situation? How do I make sure they understand that I can take it? That I'm not going to fall apart if they say something non-sunshiney to me? How can I validate their feelings of hurt and abandonment, and of being passed around like a hot-potato and picked up like a puppy at the pound by some stranger, while still letting them know that they are WANTED and were worked for, and that my heart anticipated them every bit as much as my biological children. (It does feel oddly like being pregnant with an uncertain due date that could be anytime between next week and five years from now...sigh...)

 

How?

 

I can't answer your question with any specific suggestions, but I can tell you this: the fact that you're thinking about it and asking "how" tells me you are going to find a way. And there are surely qualified professionals who could do some counseling or something (or so I've been told by the dozen or so people who have taken the time to inform me that I, um, need help :tongue_smilie:).

[amyable]

Ugh, I just wrote and lost a whole big post. Maybe it was for the better. I just want to re-iterate that I think the adoptees in this post are speaking from their own place of pain. We have our own sense of "death" in the situation, of grieving that no one seems to understand (in general, not necessarily on this thread). "After all," people say, "you GOT a set of parents to love and raise you! What are you moaning about?" Well, adoptees have plenty to moan about and there have been books upon books written about it. No, of course not all adoptees feel this way, but enough who really think about it do - hence all the research and books. I couldn't hope to cover all those thoughts here, but anyone who wants to understand where we are coming from mighht want to read some.

 

We're not (in general) coming from a place where we want to hurt birthmothers with anything we say!! Far from it. Oh so far. We are coming from a place where we just want our own grieving, our own pain listened to and understood. I know I for one feel a huge sense of love for my birth mother even though I don't believe in open adoption. I realized the other night that I *don't* believe in open adoption because I think I would rather have been raised by my birth mother - stuff doesn't matter, a "better life" doesn't matter (to my childish grieving mind), being with the woman who supposedly "loved me enough" to give me away matters. My flesh and blood.

 

I hate to end here, because even as I write the above the whole flip side of emotions filled my brain, but the baby is starting to get in trouble and I've got to run!

 

Again, I don't say any of this to hurt anyone, it's just processing all of our (adoptees') crazy feelings.

:grouphug:

[MrsMe]

However, comments like the post.below. are harsh, narrow, and seem very cruel to moms who have placed babies. After having been in that situation, and then reading these words, I think I do understand why girls & women do choose other options. It not only hurts, but comments like this make it harder for those women. Not for me, as an adult, I have a filter and peace with my own decision :)

 

Life is the most precious gift any mother can give their baby... It is the most selfless thing I have ever done.. and having been a part of seeing what other birthmothers experience, I feel I can safely say, this quote below seems to me to be spoken from one who has no understanding from a birthmothers point of view.

 

 

"I hate open adoptions. It gives the birthmom undue rights. It's like they don't want to or can't raise them, but they want the best of both worlds. Someone to take care of their kid and the rights to birthdays, letters, etc. "

 

I wrote this and I heartily disagree that this is narrow minded. And wrong! I have a total understanding from a birthmother's point of view. Not only do I know several girls who put their child up for adoption close to me I also am a part of a group of women who do foster care on a regular basis for years and years. And to top it, I also have talked to my own birthmother. I think it confuses the child. Are they selfless? Sometimes. Most of the time. They are wonderful people sometimes who made a mistake. But that's not the issue whether they're good or bad. The issue is open adoption and I don't agree with it. Every circumstance is different and it seems yours is from mine. But to tell me I don't understand is narrow minded. Let's keep things on their OWN circumstances and not quote people they know nothing about. Amy couldn't have said it better. Thanks Amy!

Edited February 8, 2009 by alilac

[MamaSheep]

I can't answer your question with any specific suggestions, but I can tell you this: the fact that you're thinking about it and asking "how" tells me you are going to find a way. And there are surely qualified professionals who could do some counseling or something (or so I've been told by the dozen or so people who have taken the time to inform me that I, um, need help :tongue_smilie:).

 

Well, yes, I'm certainly going to do my best, I think every adoptive parent is committed to doing their best. And yes, there are qualified professionals who would be happy to give advice. But it's different to study a thing from the outside than it is to live it from the inside, and I think it would be really great to hear from people who actually "feel" this pain, not just people who have read about it, and hear what they think would help, or would have helped as they were growing up.

 

Everyone has pain, it's part of life; if you haven't had any pain in your life, chances are pretty good that you're not really living. But there are some things in life where people's different pains kind of converge and interact in a unique sort of way, and adoption is one of those things. It IS painful and frightening for a birth mom to give up her baby (or to have her children removed from her care by the state). You don't know if they're going to be cared for and loved like you love them, you don't know if they'll hate you for the rest of their lives for giving them away, you don't know if you'll ever have another child or if you are giving up your only chance, here and now and forever. And then you spend the rest of your life wondering where they are and what they are doing and if they're happy.

 

Being an adoptee has its own set of hurts and fears, which have been discussed here, so I won't even try to speak for them, they're very much able to speak for themselves.

 

Being an adoptive parent also comes with heartache. People seem to think that adoptive parents should just be happy because they're the ones that end up with the child, as though the child is somehow a prize to be won. And it's certainly true that when you decide to try to adopt you spend a lot of time doing activities that feel an awful lot like you're trying to "prove" to someone that you are somehow "worthy" of parenthood, especially if you adopt through the foster system. People who have biological children just get handed their child and sent home to raise it. But if you can't have your own biological child, you are inferior. You must be educated, and screened, and they have to interview your friends and neighbors to find out whether you are "good enough". If you already have children, they observe them and interview them and evaluate whether you're already in over your pathetic head with the kids you've got. It's a huge invasion of privacy and vastly intrusive, and not something most people would be comfortable doing. And the assumption is that you are NOT good enough unless you can produce enough witnesses, enough evidence, a clean enough house with just the right number of square feet in each bedroom, and a perfect enough understanding of child development to convince someone to lift the stigma from your blighted head and pronounce you barely sufficient--at which point you get to be put on a waiting list with thousands of other people who, you are told, are much more likely to be picked than you, so don't be disappointed if you don't get picked. After that, they may occasionally tell you about a child you "might" get, only to later be told that you were once again judged to be deficient (that's not what they say, but it is how it feels, and we're talking about feelings here) and they decided to go with someone else (who is somehow less objectionable, or more worthy than you). Then there are the worries about what if you DO get picked. Will this child EVER love you? Will the child spend the rest of their life wishing their birth mom had raised them instead? What if you say or do the wrong thing? What if you really ARE a substandard parent? Will you really be able to love a child that didn't grow in your body, that doesn't look like you? Will your extended family love this child and really treat them like they're a part of the family? Will the child even WANT to be part of the family? (As if there aren't biological parents who say or do the wrong thing, or make poor parenting decisions, or as if there aren't extended family members who are thoughtless toward biological relatives, or as if there aren't some people who desperately wish they weren't part of their biological family. None of that is unique to adoption, but adoption puts it under a magnifying glass.)

What if some psychopath birth family member shows up on my doorstep with a shotgun? What if my child that I've gone through all this and more for turns 18 and decides I was never "really" their mother in the first place and goes looking for their "real" mom. What if you've cut your heart out of your body and handed it to this person, and all this time they only saw you as some kind of long-term babysitter? What if it's all just asking for more pain?

 

Because being infertile is painful enough all on its own; not that every adoptive family has fertility problems, but a lot of them have. And in many ways being infertile FEELS like losing a baby. Every month. For years. And years. All the might-have-beens pile in on you sometimes. The babies you might have rocked, the diapers you might have changed, the noses you might have wiped, the first smiles, first steps, first words, first giggles, blowing bubbles together, first day of school, birthday parties, holidays, braces, fights about wardrobe, first dates, graduations--not just for one lost baby, but for ALL the children who might have been. If anyone can relate to the FEELING of empty arms, of the corner that "should" have a crib in it, of a baby that "should" be present, of wondering if there's a child out there....somewhere...that might be YOUR child, it's a waiting adoptive mom. It is legitimate loss, and legitimate pain, and a process of mourning you have to deal with before you can be ready to adopt so that YOUR head can be in a good place to even take on a child, so you don't make your innocent little one feel responsible for filling the hole, or fixing the pain left by all of your other might-have-been children. That's too much pain, and too "grown-up" of a pain to put on a little child who can't understand it and can't fix it.

 

In fact all of these heartaches, those of the birth family, the child, the adoptive family, are not the kind of pain that ANYONE can "fix" or do away with. It's life-altering stuff all around.

 

And that is why I place such high value on input from people who've been there, as opposed to the helpful "professionals". Because it's the kind of thing that, unless you've lived it, you don't really "get", no matter how much data you've seen, or how many studies you've read, or how many statistics you've processed, or how many psychology lectures you've sat through. Because it changes a part of you that people who have not been through the experience don't even know they have.

[Storm Bay]

I hope I can phrase my question well -- I truly have no intention of criticizing anyone's parenting decisions related to adoption. But the other adult adoptee thread has started me thinking.

 

I was adopted as an infant in 1969. My parents were very open about my having been adopted, and I just accepted it. It didn't seem like anything negative or even worthy of much attention. I have given my adoption very little thought up until recently.

 

I've been thinking about it because my mom has begun making comments about it. Comments about how we aren't "officially" family. These comments started around the time my sister's babies were born. (My sister is my mom's only biological child -- she adopted 3 and then became pregnant.) These comments don't seem intended to hurt me, but come across more like simple observations.

 

So, here is my question. If you are an adult adoptee, what do you think about today's approach to adoption -- the letters and/or visits to the birthmom, the heritage celebrations, the 'coming home' parties?

 

Just the few comments from my mom about being adopted have me feeling like an outsider -- for the very first time in my life! Apparently, she does NOT feel the same way about her bio daughter and her adopted daughter (as I had previously been told). I'm very much wishing my mom had kept her thoughts to herself. I wonder how adopted kids feel when their adoption is emphasized through today's 'openness.'

 

Have any of you fellow adoptees had this kind of openness? How do you feel about it? Do you think is has helped? Or is this question pointless because every family/mother/child is so different?

 

Again, no criticism intended here. I'm just genuinely curious about others' experiences.

 

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:I hate to think that mothers of adoptees could ever be that way. I have two adult adoptee brothers, and my mother has never thought that my brothers are less family, even my brother who was first a foster child and who later got into some trouble (but got his life back together years and years ago.)

 

Yes, it was open. My mother has always thought it was important to be honest. Of course, I was old enough to know that my mother didn't get pregnant with the second of these two brother, especially since she'd lost a baby when I was in kindergarten. Plus, my other brother had visits with his birth dad for 3 years before they were able to adopt him, so that was open.

 

I think it's better to be open and honest, because to find out later is generally very hard. But it breaks my heart to think that any mother would think that her adopted child wasn't officially family.

 

Technically, I guess I wasn't supposed to answer, but this kind of thinking has an impact on my family. fwiw, my mother told my brothers that if they ever wanted to look up their birth parents, that was okay with her. And she meant it.

[Twinmom]

So my question is HOW? How do I let them know that it's safe to express their real, deep, mixed-up feelings about me, about their new siblings, about their birth family, about their crazy situation? How do I make sure they understand that I can take it? That I'm not going to fall apart if they say something non-sunshiney to me? How can I validate their feelings of hurt and abandonment, and of being passed around like a hot-potato and picked up like a puppy at the pound by some stranger, while still letting them know that they are WANTED and were worked for, and that my heart anticipated them every bit as much as my biological children. (It does feel oddly like being pregnant with an uncertain due date that could be anytime between next week and five years from now...sigh...)

 

How?

 

I'm going to give a shot at answering your question by telling you what happened this week with our children, who were all adopted. Maybe this will help.

 

If you've read my previous posts on this thread, you know I have open adoptions for my three boys, a sib group. My twins turned six yesterday, and their birth mom called. We'd not talked to her in several months, as she's had a new baby (but this time, drug-free and with a great husband! ;)). Anyway, we talked for nearly an hour, during which time she spoke to all four of my kids at length.

 

After we hung up, DD9 predictably began to cry for her birth mom, who is missing in action. She loves talking with our other birth mom, who fills a void for her...but she's still not her own birth mom and never can be. She acted out for a while, also predictably. DS6, who has just begun to understand his own adoption, made up a wild story about how he remembers crying and asking me not to take him away from his birth mother as a newborn, how she is pretty and I am not, how she is nice to him and I am mean, how she is his real mom and I am not (a fact of which he informed his birth mom on the phone in front of me! I heard her chuckle...)

 

Did it hurt me? Absolutely. My heart is still a little sore today. However, it didn't devastate me. Why? Because I understand that the stories and the tears were an age-appropriate way of processing through their loss and were not an indictment of me or my parenting (or my looks! ;)). I let them have their tears and their stories without contradiction (though I did explain the meaning of the terms "birth mother" and "real mother" to DS7). I listened (for a long time!), gave lots of hugs, told them I understood their feelings of love for their birth parents and reminded them that it was okay with me for them to feel that way. I told them that their birth parents WERE terrific (skipping the not so pretty parts...that's adult material!) and that I loved them, too. I told them I was sorry for their loss. I reminded them that they were special, that their adoption was planned for by everyone involved...their birth parents, my DH and I, and especially God. I discussed adoption from the perspective of my faith...that adoption exists because the world isn't perfect, that God uses adoption on earth as a mirror of our adoption as His sons/daughters in heaven, that it isn't random but rather planned by God to redeem His children. I retold the happy parts of the story of how we became a family...those happy tears, the big parties, the joy of the phone call and the frantic flight to pick them up. I reminded them that there two parts to the story...there is loss, but there is also gain.

 

Then, I had a big coffee and a bar of chocolate, and a big hug from DH. DH said, "remind me of why we are doing all of this?" I said, "because they need us." Then, I heard the kids screaming for Mom to come fix a boo-boo, and remembered just how much I AM their "real mom" in every way that counts. I remembered how much I love their birth mom for choosing us to raise them, her courage and sacrifice and her love for me. Then, we went to the birthday party and had a blast.

 

These are the things of everyday life here at our home. We recognize that our kids go through different levels of understanding their adoption as they get older, and we address each one developmentally. We allow as much pain as they need to express and do our darndest (is that a word?) not to take it personally. I remind myself every day that I am blessed beyond measure that I am the one they are choosing to talk to about it...that it is coming out as they grow up rather than all at once as adults. I treasure in my heart every time they yell for "Mom" to come and fix things moments after they've reminded me that they also have another mother who loves them...but who cannot be here to put on that bandaid or fix that toy.

 

HTH.

Edited February 8, 2009 by Twinmom

[MamaSheep]

I'm going to give a shot at answering your question by telling you what happened this week with our children, who were all adopted. Maybe this will help.

 

If you've read my previous posts on this thread, you know I have open adoptions for my three boys, a sib group. My twins turned six yesterday, and their birth mom called. We'd not talked to her in several months, as she's had a new baby (but this time, drug-free and with a great husband! ;)). Anyway, we talked for nearly an hour, during which time she spoke to all four of my kids at length.

 

After we hung up, DD9 predictably began to cry for her birth mom, who is missing in action. She loves talking with our other birth mom, who fills a void for her...but she's still not her own birth mom and never can be. She acted out for a while, also predictably. DS6, who has just begun to understand his own adoption, made up a wild story about how he remembers crying and asking me not to take him away from his birth mother as a newborn, how she is pretty and I am not, how she is nice to him and I am mean, how she is his real mom and I am not (a fact of which he informed his birth mom on the phone in front of me! I heard her chuckle...)

 

Did it hurt me? Absolutely. My heart is still a little sore today. However, it didn't devastate me. Why? Because I understand that the stories and the tears were an age-appropriate way of processing through their loss and were not an indictment of me or my parenting (or my looks! ;)). I let them have their tears and their stories without contradiction (though I did explain the meaning of the terms "birth mother" and "real mother" to DS7). I listened (for a long time!), gave lots of hugs, told them I understood their feelings of love for their birth parents and reminded them that it was okay with me for them to feel that way. I told them that their birth parents WERE terrific (skipping the not so pretty parts...that's adult material!) and that I loved them, too. I told them I was sorry for their loss. I reminded them that they were special, that their adoption was planned for by everyone involved...their birth parents, my DH and I, and especially God. I discussed adoption from the perspective of my faith...that adoption exists because the world isn't perfect, that God uses adoption on earth as a mirror of our adoption as His sons/daughters in heaven, that it isn't random but rather planned by God to redeem His children. I retold the happy parts of the story of how we became a family...those happy tears, the big parties, the joy of the phone call and the frantic flight to pick them up. I reminded them that there two parts to the story...there is loss, but there is also gain.

 

Then, I had a big coffee and a bar of chocolate, and a big hug from DH. DH said, "remind me of why we are doing all of this?" I said, "because they need us." Then, I heard the kids screaming for Mom to come fix a boo-boo, and remembered just how much I AM their "real mom" in every way that counts. I remembered how much I love their birth mom for choosing us to raise them, her courage and sacrifice and her love for me. Then, we went to the birthday party and had a blast.

 

These are the things of everyday life here at our home. We recognize that our kids go through different levels of understanding their adoption as they get older, and we address each one developmentally. We allow as much pain as they need to express and do our darndest (is that a word?) not to take it personally. I remind myself every day that I am blessed beyond measure that I am the one they are choosing to talk to about it...that it is coming out as they grow up rather than all at once as adults. I treasure in my heart every time they yell for "Mom" to come and fix things moments after they've reminded me that they also have another mother who loves them...but who cannot be here to put on that bandaid or fix that toy.

 

HTH.

 

Hmmm...I'm kinda hoping that if (when) an adopted child says those kinds of things they'll hit me at about the same level as when my bio kids yell things like, "I hate you! You're the meanest mom in the world! I wish I had a different mom!" Which is to say, it usually makes me feel like I'm doing my job right...lol.

 

I dunno...complicated stuff. I appreciate your comments.

[MamaSheep]

I was thinking about the original post about open adoptions. I typed up kind of a lot about some things, but I think it's too personal to share here and I've decided just to say that while I do think that whether to have an open adoption or not is something that should be decided on a case by case basis, as the bio sibling of an adoptee I am very glad that my brother's adoption was not an open adoption. I think that having his birth mother be a mysterious, anonymous, loving and brave but distant person was better for our family unity and one-on-one relationships than if she had been a real, living, breathing person who showed up at family events and whatnot.