Adoptees: what are your thoughts about open adoption?

[Twinmom]

Hmmm...I'm kinda hoping that if (when) an adopted child says those kinds of things they'll hit me at about the same level as when my bio kids yell things like, "I hate you! You're the meanest mom in the world! I wish I had a different mom!" Which is to say, it usually makes me feel like I'm doing my job right...lol.

 

I dunno...complicated stuff. I appreciate your comments.

 

Yeah, that's pretty much it. You can't allow those kind of comments to go back and make you think adoption. It's natural to do, but after the first time or two they roll off your back much easier. If you are secure in your role as Mom, you see the comments for what they are: you are doing your job right!

 

You described it well! ;)

[Danestress]

 

DO you honestly thinkt that your experiences give you a total understanding of a birthmother's point of view? It seems to me that no one but a birthmother can really know how that feels. I found your comments above very insulting, and I am not a birth mother.

[msjones]

I was thinking about the original post about open adoptions. I typed up kind of a lot about some things, but I think it's too personal to share here and I've decided just to say that while I do think that whether to have an open adoption or not is something that should be decided on a case by case basis, as the bio sibling of an adoptee I am very glad that my brother's adoption was not an open adoption. I think that having his birth mother be a mysterious, anonymous, loving and brave but distant person was better for our family unity and one-on-one relationships than if she had been a real, living, breathing person who showed up at family events and whatnot.

 

Yes. This is sort of how I feel. I am happy just imagining my birth-mother to be a stable, pleasant adult who had an ill-advised passionate relationship with her handsome boyfriend as a teenager. I imagine that she reluctantly but bravely gave me up, and was then able to go on to finish her education, find a fulfilling career, then marry and have a lovely family when she was ready.

 

Doesn't that sound nice?

 

I like that idea enough and have enjoyed it for so long that it would be very difficult to learn that my birth mother was actually a drug addict or a rape victim or a prostitute. There are some things I'd just rather not know. So, I guess you could say I'm thankful that my adoption was/is closed.

 

I must add, however, that I very much wish I could assure her that I am well and that I appreciate her courage -- but without beginning a relationship with her.

[Julie in PA]

I just accidently deleted my whole long post. But, in short I was just saying I do not think open adoption is good or bad. Each situation is different. We had an open adoption go horribly wrong with our oldest child. 8 years later he is still struggling to cope. We just adopted a baby a year ago and we have what could work out to be a very healthy open adoption. Everyone's story is different and it is hard to decide when it is appropriate or not to have openess. Just wish we could see into the future.

 

As for your mother, I would also suggest having a heart to heart. I have said things to my son which were in no way meant to be hurtful, but were. I forget sometimes that everything is filtered through his feelings of abandonment. I suspect your mother would be horrified to think she hurt you. Hugs to you! It is all so hard!

Edited February 10, 2009 by Julie in PA

[Storm Bay]

Yes.

 

I must add, however, that I very much wish I could assure her that I am well and that I appreciate her courage -- but without beginning a relationship with her.

 

 

Perhaps you can write her an anonymous letter. This is what my mother did, with my brother's permission, because she really wanted his birth mother to know what a wonderful teen/young adult he was. Now she wouldn't be allowed to even with his permission, but I think he would. That's in Canada, though. If you can find the agency used for your adoption, you could find out.

 

fwiw, finding your birth parents is a mixed bag. My other brother came from a family with many problems, but since he always felt left out (he looked different, so people made comments, and he wasn't academically oriented and the rest of us were, but he was just as loved) and after that he really realized how loved he had been and still in our family, even though things are never perfect.

 

Some adoptees manage to develop good relationships, but it really depends on the circumstances and it's a very personal decision. The first brother I mentioned had no interest at all until he was approaching his 40th birthday, but it was too late. However, my parents already knew that he came from a stable mother who loved him very, very much based on her letter, etc, that they read at the time of adoption (closed.)

[KristenS]

This has been a fascinating thread. I'm 'half-adopted' so get some very special confusion of my own. :)

 

I remember one of the more hurtful comments I received, and it wasn't even from any kind of relative. At the time I was a student employee at our public library, and working in the genealogy department. (Which I loved, in spite of my personally too-complex family tree.) One year, an area group decided to form a sort of charter membership group of folks whose families had been around since the county was formed. It was neat to watch that get started.

 

And then I was told, by one of the committee people, that I wouldn't be allowed to apply, because I was adopted on that side of the family. My adoptive father's family probably qualified, but because *I* was adopted, I didn't. It showed a total lack of understanding of the emotional and legal realities of adoption ... his reasoning was that "since my birth father was still around, I would be counted part of his family, and could inherit from him, etc." Which is not legally true, actually; adoptive ties legally replace birth ties.

 

To this day (some fifteen years later), that thoughtless conversation still hurts me. It was bad enough to know I wasn't wanted by my birth father, that he preferred to give us up in lieu of paying back child support. And then to be told by that idiot that my new father didn't count either...

 

I still don't have a good relationship with my birth father ... the man just can't keep in touch. And it hurts badly. I wish his family had never contacted us. It would hurt less. (He didn't initiate the contact, his mother did.) And since my 'daddy' (adoptive father) passed away some years ago, that just makes it worse.

 

Even my dad's family didn't believe he'd actually adopted us, and actually dared to ask my mother how to list us as his survivors in the obituary.

 

Folks just don't get it. It's sad.

 

Sorry. Not really on topic, but it feels good to talk about it.