WWYD? babysitting issue

[BakersDozen]

I am known among my friends as someone who can handle any # of kids in the house, so I am the babysitter for all. Today I have a little guy who is easy-going, his mom works one day/week and has offered to pay me $20/day or "If you just want to laugh it off..." as she put it meaning I could just do her a favor. I like that I can do this for her (her younger sister was babysitting and bailed at the last minute) but $20 is a lot for me (I can pay off some of the baby stuff I've bought!). Then there's my other friend who's dh told her to file for divorce, she did, she's got the dc while he does who knows what with his time/life, and she's asked me to watch her 3 dc a few days/week, no pay at all. This sits funny with me because this is a family who was on welfare yet also managed to build a custom home on acreage, have all the "toys" (huge TVs, etc.), and bought enough animals including horses to make a small farm. So her telling me she "can't" pay me just doesn't seem right. My thought is that maybe she and her dh should have thought through the repercussions of divorce and been willing to pay for it (literally) before doing anything.

 

WWYD? I just had a baby and while I don't feel at all overwhelmed with the thought of having more kids in the house, I just don't feel led to help anyone out for free. Is that terrible? I hate that the one friend's kids would go to DES daycare but again, that's part of their choice. Any input? Or advice on how to address the situation without ruining friendships? I'm to the point of avoiding answering the phone because my one friend is waiting to hear if I'll babysit - heck she called when my baby was 2 days old for an answer!!! :glare:

[Pamela H in Texas]

I would simply tell them you'd be glad to do it for reasonable pay. Be direct and friendly.

 

Seriously, if being reasonable ruins a friendship, it wasn't much of one in the first place.

 

Another option. For the second mother, you could offer to watch them for 2 weeks free but after that, it needs to be X per week. I have helped out people just getting a job or something like that. But I won't be used. Childcare, especially while homeschooling, is serious business and should be treated as such.

Edited January 6, 2009 by 2J5M9K

[Jean in Newcastle]

They are taking advantage of you. I would say something like "Thank you for offering the $20. It would be a real help to us." to the person who offered it for her son.

 

For the person who wants you to watch her dc for free, I would say, "I'm sorry I forgot to mention how much I charge for babysitting. My rates are $20 a day. Why don't you think about it and let me know if you would still want to leave your kids with me."

 

But I would really think about if you want to do this all the time. What will you do if your kids are sick or you are sick? Or if you have visitors or a dr. appointment. . . or if it does start to become a difficulty for you? I would make sure you talk about those situations first.

[mommylaw]

They are using you, but you know that. There's no way I would do it. You will end up being even more resentful every day they drop their little ones off. If you really need the money then take the $20./day offer. But honestly, I doubt you would see a penny. I have a feeling she would never give you a check. She is counting on you to not ask her for one. It will be awkward and uncomfortable for the duration of the friendship.

 

I can't imagine having the disruption and successfully homeschooling.

[Starr]

I think it is reasonable to charge the going rate for all day baby-sitting on a regular basis. Even though you can handle a house full of children it does change your family life and responsibilities. If you are going to do a lot of baby-sitting you might need to be a licensed day care provider. I know it's hard to do but I think you might want to set your baby-sitting boundaries with your friends. Let them know you have decided to earn a little money doing occasional baby-sitting. Then it will be clear and you don't have to continue to go through this:banghead: every time the phone rings. I'm rooting for you!:thumbup:

[bettyandbob]

For both situations, you should come up with reasonable pay suggest that. You need to protect yourself from being taken advantage of.

 

I don't know what the going rate is in your area. $20 doesn't sound right. What constitutes "a day"? How many hours. Are you making lunch? Providing diapers? If you think this woman needs an especially discounted rate, than perhaps $20 is ok, but otherwise I'd check what weekly rates were for in home care and consider at least 1/5 the going rate. I say at least, because many places charge more for a less than full time child. People I knew who did in home care charged for a full day, whether it was 8am-2pm or 7am-6pm.

 

As for the family with 3 kids. Forget it. Anyone who would ask for free regular child care for 3 children is not a friend. Emergency care OK, but otherwise NO. If you feel this woman need "emergency care", you need to set clear strict limits. But I think someone who would ask for free care like this may come of with an "emergency need" to justify emergency care.

[Aunty Social]

.

[Nakia]

Let me get this straight - your friends are asking/expecting you to watch their children on a regular basis while they work/whatever? Without offering to pay? Do you have a sign out front that says free day care? AND they called 2 days after you had the baby???? What, had you just walked in the door from the hospital?

 

I may be misunderstanding the situation. I love having a houseful of my kids friends, and never mind helping out when someone needs some childcare for appts, dinner out, whatever - i just consider it a playdate. BUT, if someone were asking me to provide day care services (as an ongoing thing - a once off is something different), I would have to ask for pay. The extra wear and tear on the house, the extra food, the sheer inconvenience of having to schedule things around these days, and the time it will take away from your own children and other responsibilities are not inconsiderable. Not to mention the extra liability. If one of them got injured at your house, homeowners will not cover it if you are providing routine care.

 

imho, your friends are being rather rude and selfish. I don't care how many children you have, or how much you enjoy having a houseful. They are hoping to avoid the (sucky) fact of life that if you work, you pay for child care and are not being considerate of you or your needs. They are taking you for granted.

 

This sounds rather harsh and discompassionant. I feel for their situations, I really do. I've been in binds before myself. And I never expected someone to bail me out for free. I might arrange for trading services, or a discount, etc....but I carried my own weight as best as I was able.

 

 

 

I 100% agree with everything Shawna said!

[lovemyboys]

They are taking advantage of you.

 

But I would really think about if you want to do this all the time. What will you do if your kids are sick or you are sick? Or if you have visitors or a dr. appointment. . . or if it does start to become a difficulty for you? I would make sure you talk about those situations first.

 

 

Or the other kids are sick and they still want to drop them off at your house anyway because they really need to do xyz and surely you can keep them separate, and they haven't had a fever or thrown up since 6 am today, and.....

 

As for the choices....just ask my mil who was begged by her tearful son for $20,000 to avoid foreclosure in early Dec. She turned him down fortunately, she's on a very tight widow's *income.* Imagine her surprise Christmas day when she saw her granddaughter open a diamond necklace and earrings. This girl is 13.

 

I'm sharing that story because some people will always look to shift their problems, bad choices, irresponsibility, whatever, on to someone else. They'll try anyway. If we don't say no, we support that lifestyle -- often to our detriment. And it's never a one-time deal.

 

I'd be wary of agreeing to a short term "for free" with either person, it would be hard to change to a paying situation and they'd both be hoping you won't push for the money, regardless of what they should be doing to compensate you or to respect your household with an infant less than 2 weeks old! Especially in cold and flu season.

[Haiku]

Your baby is a week old and someone has already prevailed upon you to babysit??? What kind of friends are these??

 

What would I do? Tell everyone, "I've eight kids, thanks, and I'm not available to babysit yours."

 

Tara

[Pretty in Pink]

Let me get this straight - your friends are asking/expecting you to watch their children on a regular basis while they work/whatever? Without offering to pay? Do you have a sign out front that says free day care? AND they called 2 days after you had the baby???? What, had you just walked in the door from the hospital?

 

I may be misunderstanding the situation. I love having a houseful of my kids friends, and never mind helping out when someone needs some childcare for appts, dinner out, whatever - i just consider it a playdate. BUT, if someone were asking me to provide day care services (as an ongoing thing - a once off is something different), I would have to ask for pay. The extra wear and tear on the house, the extra food, the sheer inconvenience of having to schedule things around these days, and the time it will take away from your own children and other responsibilities are not inconsiderable. Not to mention the extra liability. If one of them got injured at your house, homeowners will not cover it if you are providing routine care.

 

imho, your friends are being rather rude and selfish. I don't care how many children you have, or how much you enjoy having a houseful. They are hoping to avoid the (sucky) fact of life that if you work, you pay for child care and are not being considerate of you or your needs. They are taking you for granted.

 

This sounds rather harsh and discompassionant. I feel for their situations, I really do. I've been in binds before myself. And I never expected someone to bail me out for free. I might arrange for trading services, or a discount, etc....but I carried my own weight as best as I was able.

 

Sure, I was going to type it all out, but then I saw what she said. Your friends are using you and will continue to do so for as long as you allow. I'd start charging the going rate or let them find other arrangements.

[SonshineLearner]

You could say that your husband and you have realized you're so able to do childcare, that you've decided to look for some. You figure that you could make "you fill in the blank" a day, or you could start doing official childcare for them.

Carrie:-)

[Pamela H in Texas]

I'd be wary of agreeing to a short term "for free" with either person, it would be hard to change to a paying situation and they'd both be hoping you won't push for the money

 

I've also always had a contract (and parental handbook) for parents. It is only SMART, if you are going to do ongoing childcare, to cover yourself, be clear, have agreements in writing, etc.

 

I don't mind helping someone out who is in trouble (for example, newly divorced and just starting a job), but I won't be taken advantage of.

 

Friends don't use friends!

[Pamela H in Texas]

oh...I missed the EIGHT children you already have, one being a newborn.

 

Honestly, though you, like I, sound VERY capable to handle a houseful (plus some probably :)), it's probably not wise to do so, especially not regularly. There are a few reasons:

 

1) You are responsible for 8 kids full time as it is.

2) What if anyone gets sick?

3) Homeschooling takes time and effort

4) Scheduling conflicts/additions

5) You could end up in trouble with the state--here, if you were caught, it could be very problematic. Legally, you wouldn't be allowed to watch ANY other kids on a regular basis due to the # of your own kids; but if you had only 2 of your own kids, you still could only watch the others "on a regular basis" (every tuesday and thursday, for example) if you were listed with the state.

 

I really think that you'd find there is a big difference in doing childcare 3-5 days per week and watching kids on occasion...ESP while trying to education five kids in Kindy through 7th grades.

[scubamama]

Oh dear heart, all i can say is God bless you for wanting to help out your friends. You're fantastic to even consider this with a newborn. But I am thinking that you' re getting good good GOOD advice from these other moms! Not calling into question the character of your friends, think of how long this may go on - providing free day care. We've had 3 friends come and live with us for a few months at a time. It was fine, but we did have set guidelines and a date they'd be able to "go out into the world" - got a job and some savings to move out,etc. Those boundaries were a lifesaver!

 

Michele

[lollie010]

Not much to add, except that I have a friend who was in a similar situation. I gave her the same advise that you are receiving here. The situation went on far too long and in the end she lost friendships over it. Basically, there is no way that you could be taken advantage of in this way for an extended period of time and not resent the "friends" who have put you in the situation. Then when you want to back out feelings will really be hurt. In my opinion it is just not worth the risk. Free daycare is not a permanent solution.

 

I hope that you are able to work this out and if you lived close to me I would gladly pay you as I am frantically looking for part-time childcare right now.

 

Laurel T.

[Tap]

Here is my deal with my neighbors, but I am on the asking end!

 

If I am making money, so are they! We as neighbors trade days, informally, back and forth all the time. Kids are playing, someone needs to go to the store...no problem.

 

But (!) I am the working mom in my neighborhood, so I figure, if I am making money, and someone is watching my child, then they get paid. My neighbors give me good deals (I usually pay $3 hr, provide food and send little extras to help out-like blocks of cheese and box of crackers for everyone...). I insist on paying and won't leave them with the mom, unless they agree to accept. It has always been on a 2 week at a time arrangement, so either party can quit, without reason with 2 weeks notice. If my kids are getting sick I call in advance to find out how the sitter wants me to handle it, as the kids often have the same illness and it is fine to send them, but the mom gets to make the decision the day before. And they try to call me with the same notice so I can make other arrangements if my kids are healthy.

 

I provide a car seat for the parent, to keep in their garage so they can come and go without worrying about forgetting seats, and I give them a $20 in an envelope for misc. expenses like eating out or a trip to the zoo. They just let me know when they need more (no questions asked so they don't feel like they have to keep receipts).

 

If I was in your position, I would just tell them that you need some time to think about whether you want to open a daycare, since they are asking about a more formal situation then just neighbors helping neighbors, then ask them what rates they think would be appropriate, and go from there.

 

Be strong and don't undervalue yourself.

Edited January 7, 2009 by Tap, tap, tap

[Maplinmum]

Don't forget that these extra children are going to be bringing coughs and colds at this time of year that you really don''t want to be exposing your newborn too.

[Mari]

after reading and re-reading your OP, I never got the idea that you truly NEEDED the money. If I misunderstood that, than I think you have already received great advice in expecting to be paid for your services. Be bold and tell them, "you know, my family has bills to pay bills, too. It's fun having other children around but really, it seems like this is an ongoing situation. I think it's only fair to expect payment for my services."

 

If you truly DON'T need the money, and you really just want advice on how to keep the friendships minus being taken advantaged (did I word that correctly?), than here's what I would do:

 

Tell your friends that you ARE overwhelmed. Holy smokes, you have EIGHT kids!!! And one of them is a newborn!!!! Add homeschooling on top of all that entails and I honestly don't understand how you are getting anything done. Forgive me if you really are Super Woman but even she would have her limits. Just tell them you need to focus on your own family and school and you just don't want to stretch your time and attention to watching other children. Any SANE person would understand where you are coming from and if not, than they really aren't your friends now, are they?

 

--Mari

Edited January 7, 2009 by Mari