How to turn down friend invites?

[2squared]

My 13yo has a teammate who really wants to be his friend outside of the team. My 13yo isn’t as enthused. DS has hung out with the boy a few times and even has had an overnight. So, I think DS has given the expanded friendship a good try  

The parents text me to ask if the boy can come to our house. The kids are 13yo. I haven’t managed my 13yo’s social calendar for a couple years, and I really don’t want to manage it. I want him to arrange friend events on his own, between the boys. 

i feel guilty because I know this boy really wants to be DS’s friend, and he probably needs more friends. I work with the boy’s grandmother too. Ugh

Any advice on how to turn down the requests without sounding mean? I have a text right now asking if the boy can come over after school tomorrow until his mom gets off work. DS attends our local private school while teammate attends our local public school, both schools are in a very small, rural community. 

Edited February 5 by 2squared

[Tap]

"Sorry, tomorrow doesn't work for us. We have limited availability right now. If there is a time in the future, I will reach out  "

 

[footballmom]

I’m not sure if they are trying to force a friendship or if they have gaps in their care plans for their DS, because I’m surprised they reach out and invite their son over! Regardless, I agree with Tap, short and sweet reply that tomorrow doesn’t work and see you at the next practice!

[2squared]

12 minutes ago, footballmom said:

I’m not sure if they are trying to force a friendship or if they have gaps in their care plans for their DS, because I’m surprised they reach out and invite their son over! Regardless, I agree with Tap, short and sweet reply that tomorrow doesn’t work and see you at the next practice!

They do have gaps when practice starts at 4:30, and we do agree to have him come on those days (when they ask).  We live a block from the school.  Normally they practice right after school every day, so transportation isn’t an issue. Tomorrow the boys don’t have practice - a rare event - so they are basically asking for a play date. Otherwise, I would think he would just ride the bus home. At 13yo, they certainly don’t need adult supervision after school, and they won’t have any supervision at our house. 
 

ETA: I guess I don’t know how he gets home on a non-practice day, but they must have arrangements. The boys aren’t in sports every day of the school year. Most days, sure, but definitely not all of them. 

Edited February 5 by 2squared

[freesia]

I used to say my ds is not open to me arranging his social life anymore. It was awkward when ds did not respond if my friend’s son texted to get together. But ultimately it  isn’t my responsibility to arrange my children social life at that age.

[SKL]

I think to help them out with an unusual care gap, I'd just let him come over, but consider it a favor rather than a play date.

[kirstenhill]

I might be an outlier, but I don't find it all that unusual for parents to still be arranging some social things for 13 year olds.  My 14 (almost 15 year old) hasn't really connected with any friends in public school yet (first year in school) so his two closest friends are homeschooled kids from church who are a year younger - 13 going on 14 later in the year.   Neither friend has a cell phone, none of the kids can get to each other's houses without a parent driving them (15-20 minutes by car, no realistic public transit options).  So, realistically, it makes so much more sense for the parents to set this up.  If the boys tried to figure out a time to get together on their own, it would still end up with the parents texting each other back and forth about schedules anyway.  It might be different because the kids are all close friends already.  There's no doubt they want to spend time together, it's mostly busy family/school/church/activity schedules that prevent it from happening more often.

As far as the friend that your DS doesn't really want to be spending more time with, I agree that when it is not framed as you being helpful (the "Hey, can my kid hang out at your house for 30 minutes until practice"), then I think just a "sorry, I don't think that works" is fine a few times to see if she gets the hint.  I think if there were a kid my kid truly didn't enjoy hanging out with and the parent kept asking, I would eventually try and as nicely as possible say something like, "my kid isn't really finding a lot of common ground with your kid", or "my kid isn't really connecting with your kid.  Sorry!"

I think the parent might be hurt/offended, but there might be no avoiding it if she doesn't take subtle hints.

Edited February 5 by kirstenhill

[SKL]

I also think it's normal for parents to get involved in arranging kid social activities that involve driving or other parental logistics.  Kids aren't always the best communicators, and parents don't like to be surprised by a kid showing up unannounced.  For me, I could think of a whole list of reasons I need to know that another kid is wanting to come over, and possibly say "no" even if my kid wants to say "yes."  So yeah, let me know if you're planning on sending your kid here.  😛

[Boymama5]

I also don’t find it odd for the parents to be involved. There have been many times the boys will arrange a hang out time, ok it with me and then I find out later the friends mom had no idea. So I always touch base with parents. Especially if it’s something like with this parent who seems to be arranging someone to watch her kid for a bit. 
 

I’m not good at confrontation so I’d probably passively by saying it doesn’t work for us. If I were more straight forward I’d as PP said and say my son doesn’t connect or find common ground. 

[catz]

It seems really rude to me to be reaching out to have their kid at YOUR house without some prior express arrangements and back and forth.  I also wonder if they just need somewhere for kid to go for a period of time.  I don't think it's weird for parents to be involved if there is driving/coordination and if the families know each other especially.  But I also think it is fine to decide you don't want to be in that business.  Especially since your kid isn't especially wanting 1-1 time with this other child.

"Our schedule is super tight for the forseeable future, that doesn't work for us unfortunately.  Jonny will let Billy know if anything changes.  See you at soccer!  Team's looking great this year blah blah upbeat polite small talk."

[Harriet Vane]

Just another, gentle perspective to consider. Knowing nothing about you or your kid or the other kid and their family--this is just general to think about, and perhaps it may apply or it may not.

I taught my kids to welcome friendships even when it's not a perfect meeting of the minds, and I taught them to consider that not all friends are equal or the same "flavor."

I have found that I have never regretted extending kindness and friendship, and often I've been surprised by another person's kindness to me or hidden depths of personality.

Obviously if someone is a bully or mean-on-purpose, that's not someone we want to be friends with.

But if someone is reaching out and there's nothing specifically wrong with that person--they're just not the perfect match or there's not a perfect meeting of the minds--then consider being friends, but don't feel the need to be *best* friends. Interactions don't have to be long or elaborate. 

In your shoes, that's a conversation I would have with my kid. Not to *force* interaction. Rather, to ask my kid to walk in another person's shoes. To think about how it feels to reach out in a friendly way and to be given the cold shoulder. To think about what level of interaction feels okay versus what level is too much (because not everyone gets "best friend" privileges). Often we might find that we don't mind a little friendship but don't want to be bamboozled into being best friends. 

[2squared]

I ended up giving a generic “that doesn’t work from ds tomorrow”. I feel bad, but I don’t want to be a fall-back care plan when my kid isn’t excited about the other kid, and I also don’t want to force friends on my kid. When we do say yes, the requests ramp up. It’s tiring. 

My DS is definitely friendly with the kid, and he does come over sometimes. And, like I said, DS has certainly given effort to seeing if a closer friendship makes sense. It just isn’t developing into as close of a friendship as the other kid desires. On the flip side, my DS is (finally) connecting with some boys who do seem like they are developing closer friendships  

I’m surprised that parents are directly involved in arranging teen social events with other parents. I haven’t had to do that since my youngest got a cellphone a couple years ago (except for this kid in the OP). In fact, that was one of the reasons for moving all the kids to their own phones at 12yo-13yo.

My kids are in charge of coordinating their own schedules, including getting themselves to school, practice, etc. My 16yo drives himself, my 15yo gets rides from her friends, and my 13yo walks/bikes/asks for rides. I will gladly give rides to any of them, but they need to arrange and coordinate. If I was the arranger/coordinator, I know I would end up making arrangements that wouldn’t work for my kids’ schedules or with the wrong kids. 

[cjzimmer1]

30 minutes ago, 2squared said:

 

I’m surprised that parents are directly involved in arranging teen social events with other parents. I haven’t had to do that since my youngest got a cellphone a couple years ago (except for this kid in the OP). In fact, that was one of the reasons for moving all the kids to their own phones at 12yo-13yo.

My kids are in charge of coordinating their own schedules, including getting themselves to school, practice, etc. My 16yo drives himself, my 15yo gets rides from her friends, and my 13yo walks/bikes/asks for rides. I will gladly give rides to any of them, but they need to arrange and coordinate. If I was the arranger/coordinator, I know I would end up making arrangements that wouldn’t work for my kids’ schedules or with the wrong kids. 

I know MANY families mine own included who don't hand out cell phones until much older so that could be part of why other families are still organizing things. 

2nd point, But how does child know when you are available to give rides?  I have plenty of my own things on the calendar and then add in things for other people, it would be a serious pain in the butt to have my kids start scheduling things that required me to give rides without me being able to give input into my availability.  

Obviously it works for you to have your kids arranging things at their ages and that's great but I can also see for a lot of families where it would be a disaster for the kids to do the arranging especially when it involves parent chauffeurs.

[freesia]

I get the ramped up thing. That’s what happened on our case. Plus, this mother was still contacting me to arrange getting our boys together when THEY WERE IN COLLEGE. My kids didn’t have cell phones, but we had a landline and they had access to GroupMe, Skype and TextMe. There were plenty of ways for them to arrange things. I did begin with—that doesn’t work for ds. But eventually went to what I wrote above. Ds needed to own his decision not to be closer friends. That is a social skill. 

[Clarita]

I think you can be honest about it. Tell DS about this first and see what he wants you to do. Maybe these people are really pushy and he does want you to help him say no. I know he's 13 but some people are just so pushy that's it's much easier to have a 3rd person messenger tell them no.

Depending on what DS says. Just point blank ask the other parent why they have to go through you and that you'd be perfectly fine if the boys figured that stuff out themselves. See where that goes. I think you can stand your ground of in your family your 13 year olds make these plans on their own and leave it there. 

 

[Faith-manor]

18 hours ago, Tap said:

"Sorry, tomorrow doesn't work for us. We have limited availability right now. If there is a time in the future, I will reach out  "

 

I really like this.

I don't think you need to feel guilty about not allowing the boy to come over after school. I never had an issue with our thirteen year olds being home alone. But, we didn't do "having friends over" when we weren't going to be there. We waited until they were a little older for that.

[2squared]

8 hours ago, cjzimmer1 said:

I know MANY families mine own included who don't hand out cell phones until much older so that could be part of why other families are still organizing things. 

2nd point, But how does child know when you are available to give rides?  I have plenty of my own things on the calendar and then add in things for other people, it would be a serious pain in the butt to have my kids start scheduling things that required me to give rides without me being able to give input into my availability.  

Obviously it works for you to have your kids arranging things at their ages and that's great but I can also see for a lot of families where it would be a disaster for the kids to do the arranging especially when it involves parent chauffeurs.

It works really well. When the kids want to do something, they talk to their friend(s) to agree on what they want to do. Then my kid comes to me and ask me if he/she can do xyz on abc date and he/she tells me if a ride is needed. I then reply back if abc date works or not and if I am available to drive. If the date and times don’t work, I suggest an alternative. If I can’t drive, kid asks his dad or sibling or friends’ parents.

it’s all the same conversations I would need to have with the parents, but I am not having those conversations. The kids are figuring it out and managing their calendars. My life is very busy and demanding. If my kids want to do something, they can take on the mental work of getting it organized. My dh is also responsible for his own calendar. 

These arrangements are a typical expectation where we live. The kid in the OP is the only kid whose parents contact me to arrange anything, so it definitely feels a little odd. Last weekend my 13yo arranged a sleepover and rides to/from another kid’s house. I wasn’t involved other than to give him permission when he asked and to send a thank you text after he returned home. 

[SKL]

19 hours ago, 2squared said:

I’m surprised that parents are directly involved in arranging teen social events with other parents. I haven’t had to do that since my youngest got a cellphone a couple years ago (except for this kid in the OP). In fact, that was one of the reasons for moving all the kids to their own phones at 12yo-13yo.

My kids are in charge of coordinating their own schedules, including getting themselves to school, practice, etc. My 16yo drives himself, my 15yo gets rides from her friends, and my 13yo walks/bikes/asks for rides. I will gladly give rides to any of them, but they need to arrange and coordinate. If I was the arranger/coordinator, I know I would end up making arrangements that wouldn’t work for my kids’ schedules or with the wrong kids. 

It's not that I plan their activities.  I really never have since they were in primary school.  They would talk to their friends and then each kid would talk to his/her parents, but given that young kids aren't the best communicators, it seems wise to check with the parents also, particularly for anything unusual or requiring a more mature person's involvement.

Now that I think about it, around that age, my kids' close friends did get dropped off at my house without the parents contacting me first.  My kids would tell me the friends were coming over.  I also didn't contact the parents if I were picking the kid up for a single-day activity or a weekend sleepover.  I assume that the kids would tell their parents or, if they didn't, the parents would give them hell and they'd learn.  And my kids did accept rides from friends' moms when they were too lazy to walk.  😛  But it also wouldn't feel weird to me if a parent did text me and ask if her kid could come over.

I do know kids who didn't have cell phones at that age though.  In that case, the parents wouldn't be able to text them "where the hell are you and why didn't you tell me in advance," so I would expect more parent-to-parent contact in that situation.

Also, when my kids were around that age, as a single mom with no geographically close family, I did consider what I'd do if I unexpectedly had a care or transportation gap.  I have a couple people who would do it if they were free, but they also have jobs and lives.  So I thought, maybe I could ask one or two friends' moms if they would be willing to let my kids land there in such a case.  I wouldn't expect their kids to arrange that with my kids.  When you need care, you can't necessarily depend on whether or not the kids feel like being together that day.  (Thankfully, we never ended up needing to do any of that, but one could see how it could happen.)