Do you find it hard to get an audience with your teen?

[SKL]

OK well ... my kid is likely to need help with school, especially math.  If I keep quiet about it, she's likely to wait until a bad situation is irreversible.  Info from the school directly to me is unlikely to be timely.

So maybe "how are your classes going, do you need help with anything?" sounds like nagging to some of you, but if the alternative is failing math, well, it's hard to just sit by and watch.

Funny thing, this kid has told me, in the recent past, that I'm more laid back than any of her friends' parents.  Yet I'm also way too naggy.  Sigh.

[Innisfree]

Back years ago, when we were dealing with some issues, I read a book which prioritized just spending time with a kid doing what they enjoyed, or even just watching them do what they enjoyed and complimenting them on some aspect of it and maybe asking a question about it. I put it into practice, and it helped a lot with changing a relationship which was in danger of becoming adversarial to one where we could talk and work together. I’ll try to remember the title and author. [Okay, it was Russell Barkley’s Your Defiant Child, and it’s aimed at kids 12 and under. There seems to be a book for parents of teens, as well. I don’t think the benefits of the technique are limited to defiant kids or teens.] I believe it talked about this scenario, where the kid is a teen and talking isn’t going well. I think the idea was to drop areas of conflict, and work on the relationship, by showing interest in whatever the kid is doing.

In your position, I would be tempted to discover that the car wouldn’t be available to the kids for a while. Maybe it needs a part which is hard to find, maybe you just cherish these last years before they go off to college, and want to drive them as much as possible. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing. I think car time is too valuable to relinquish it without serious need.

Once in the car, I don’t try to force conversation. When I have, I’ve regretted it. Mostly it’s just driving, passing an idle comment on something completely innocuous or something I know will interest the kid, and leaving space for them to open up if they want. It’s most effective if there’s just one kid in the car with me. Older dd has gotten to the point of asking to go on a drive when she wants to talk about something, but even when she asks, it can take twenty minutes or half an hour of driving before she is ready to talk. Then we may drive somewhere to park and talk (mostly her talking, me listening), or take a scenic tour of one of the rural counties around our city. Long rural roads are great for conversation, at least for us.

Texting is useful for keeping lines of communication open also. Like others have said, it’s not stuff that I need them to do, or questions I need answered, primarily. More often it’s just sending a link to an article which will interest them, or a cute animal picture. It’s staying in touch, completely without demands. Something which is likely to reduce stress, not create more stress.

These are hard years. Sending hugs and sympathy.

Edited September 19, 2023 by Innisfree

[Miss Tick]

4 minutes ago, SKL said:

If I keep quiet about it, she's likely to wait until a bad situation is irreversible. 

This is such a teen truth!

[Innisfree]

I just saw your post about the math.  I do get it, and don’t have any perfect answers. I would just create time when you’re together, without stress. Cars really are great for this. Something my mother used to say when the great debate was about quality time with kids versus quantity of time: sometimes you can’t get quality time without having a large quantity of time. Being stuck in a car together works. Then, when you do have to ask a question that will spark anxiety, that moment is balanced by the much greater time you spend together without anxiety.

[Lecka]

I think from your later posts, I think this sounds pretty normal to me.  
 

I definitely think “pick your battles,” pick your highest priorities.  
 

Is asking about school making the cut?

 

Then, it’s making the cut.

 

If it’s not, then if she falls behind in math that will be a challenge she faces, but I think it depends on the situation overall if this is a big thing or a small thing.  
 

If this is something where she *responds to you bringing it up* then I think definitely keep doing it like you have been!
 

If it’s something that seems negative, that is different.  But if she will respond well, just not like she’s saying “wow, thanks mom, I’m so glad you mentioned that,” then it does sound positive.  
 

 

[Terabith]

We do a lot of "body doubling" at our house.  My kids get anxious, and sometimes they have a hard time getting started doing stuff, so we do a lot of sitting with them while they do it.  Often it's under the guise of "helping" with the homework (cough cough, mostly my husband when the subject is math), but a lot of the time they just need someone to say, "Okay, are you ready to do x homework?" and sit there with them while they do it, doing our own thing mostly.  It's kinda weird how much they seem to need a proximity personal security blanket, but they do seem to find it helpful, and it's quality time.

[SKL]

21 minutes ago, Terabith said:

We do a lot of "body doubling" at our house.  My kids get anxious, and sometimes they have a hard time getting started doing stuff, so we do a lot of sitting with them while they do it.  Often it's under the guise of "helping" with the homework (cough cough, mostly my husband when the subject is math), but a lot of the time they just need someone to say, "Okay, are you ready to do x homework?" and sit there with them while they do it, doing our own thing mostly.  It's kinda weird how much they seem to need a proximity personal security blanket, but they do seem to find it helpful, and it's quality time.

My kid really can't stand it if I'm in the room when she's doing homework.  I mean, up until she was about 13, we sat together doing school work for at least an hour every day (and she did not mind this).  But since Covid, the norm has been her sitting alone in her room with her electronics (all their books, assignments, etc. are digital).  There have been times when she'd come to me around midnight because she couldn't figure something out on her own.  But mostly she just struggles alone until things get really bad.

At this point, I really just want her to go to the teacher promptly when she needs help.  I just need to make sure she is motivated to do that.  And if that doesn't work, we may need to engage an outside tutor.

But yeah ... being in the same room only seems to work if it's all fun and games.  Like watching a movie together.  (We should probably plan on doing that soon.)

Edited September 19, 2023 by SKL

[Terabith]

I'm sorry.  That sounds really hard and sad.  

[teachermom2834]

1 hour ago, SKL said:

OK well ... my kid is likely to need help with school, especially math.  If I keep quiet about it, she's likely to wait until a bad situation is irreversible.  Info from the school directly to me is unlikely to be timely.

So maybe "how are your classes going, do you need help with anything?" sounds like nagging to some of you, but if the alternative is failing math, well, it's hard to just sit by and watch.

Funny thing, this kid has told me, in the recent past, that I'm more laid back than any of her friends' parents.  Yet I'm also way too naggy.  Sigh.

I’m going to say something kind of different and I totally admit I don’t know a lot about dealing with teens with anxiety or OCD so you can just dismiss my comment and my feelings aren’t hurt.

But what you say here about being more laid back than her friends’ parents yet still way too naggy…that makes me think you just can’t win with this particular child at this particular time. In that case, go ahead and ask about the math or whatever you feel you need to to fulfill your duty as a parent. It sounds like your child is going to shut you down regardless. In which case…just ask about the math. I realize this is unpopular and everyone is telling you to not ask and I get that. But it sounds like she is going to shut you out regardless so you might as well do the things you think are your responsibility.

My most difficult child had me always trying to bend and tiptoe to accommodate his snarliness and honestly all it did was give him license to act more snarly. So I didn’t hold back on the things I absolutely needed to address with him. He was going to be annoyed at me regardless. 
 

Again- this advice might be nonsense so feel free to treat it as such. But for one of mine the more I tiptoed the more he felt justified in being a butt. (I still tiptoed ALOT. I just realized I was never going to win and accepted that part). He is 23 yo now and nice and has since apologized for those years. 

[kathyl]

3 hours ago, SKL said:

My kid really can't stand it if I'm in the room when she's doing homework.  I mean, up until she was about 13, we sat together doing school work for at least an hour every day (and she did not mind this).  But since Covid, the norm has been her sitting alone in her room with her electronics (all their books, assignments, etc. are digital).  There have been times when she'd come to me around midnight because she couldn't figure something out on her own.  But mostly she just struggles alone until things get really bad.

At this point, I really just want her to go to the teacher promptly when she needs help.  I just need to make sure she is motivated to do that.  And if that doesn't work, we may need to engage an outside tutor.

But yeah ... being in the same room only seems to work if it's all fun and games.  Like watching a movie together.  (We should probably plan on doing that soon.)

That might actually be the best thing for both of you.  

[Alte Veste Academy]

No specific advice, but the book Untangled was amazing. The insights about parenting girls at different ages reminded me of how I felt growing up.

[SKL]

6 hours ago, Alte Veste Academy said:

No specific advice, but the book Untangled was amazing. The insights about parenting girls at different ages reminded me of how I felt growing up.

I think I read that book years ago.  Maybe I need to see if I still have it.

[SKL]

Today I drove my kid to the optometrist.  I valiantly fought the urge to say or ask anything about school, work, or anything likely to be stressful.

She volunteered that she is finding math difficult.  I suggested she not hesitate to ask the teacher for help.  She said "I hate tutoring."  Again I fought the urge to say another word about it.

A lot of the drive both ways was silent, but there were a few brief moments of nice conversation.  She even asked me to look at some videos on her phone while we were in the waiting room.  (She didn't have her air pods; otherwise there might not have been any conversation at all.)

Need to stay strong.

But ... if grades start looking bad, I'm not going to be able to stay completely silent about it....

[hshibley]

25 minutes ago, SKL said:

Today I drove my kid to the optometrist.  I valiantly fought the urge to say or ask anything about school, work, or anything likely to be stressful.

She volunteered that she is finding math difficult.  I suggested she not hesitate to ask the teacher for help.  She said "I hate tutoring."  Again I fought the urge to say another word about it.

A lot of the drive both ways was silent, but there were a few brief moments of nice conversation.  She even asked me to look at some videos on her phone while we were in the waiting room.  (She didn't have her air pods; otherwise there might not have been any conversation at all.)

Need to stay strong.

But ... if grades start looking bad, I'm not going to be able to stay completely silent about it....

You did great. If grades go south I suggest you let it go.  Reiterate that you’ll pay for a tutor, she should see the teacher for help and take advantage of any extra credit opportunities then let it go. I had a similar situation with one dd she ended up with a c in English but if I had ridden her like a rented mule (which is what I was naturally inclined to do) she would have gotten a better grade but ruined our relationship and she would have shut down. The c did cost her her first and second choice college but in the end she’s turned around and started taking responsibility for her grades and is very successful at the college she attends. 

[Lecka]

You got some wins today!!!!!!

[Eos]

It's hard to fight the urge, I know, and you did it.  You only have her for one last year. I believe (and it's just my belief) that your relationship is more important than her grades.  If her grades go south you won't have to stay completely silent, you'll find a gentle way to keep offering help - and she'll trust you to keep it up when/if she goes to college.