More ostomy drama. But, not with my mom.

[pitterpatter]

My head is spinning. I spent the end of last week bolstering myself with the hive's encouraging words to get myself into a better headspace and gain confidence in stepping back from caregiving duties with my mom, who you all know has a difficult ostomy, One day after setting up a new schedule with my mom and starting to prepare her for me stepping back the level of help I will provide, I see my neighbor walking down the road in her robe with her husband. She obviously doesn't feel well, so I pull my car over to talk to them. She had nearly the same medical emergency as my mom had six years ago, except her intestines did not perforate. She had an intestinal blockage, had some of her small intestines resected, was diagnosed with color cancer, and was sent home with an ileostomy. My brain started reeling at this news because what's the odds. This is my next door neighbor whose house sits just beyond my font yard.

Well yesterday evening, her husband knocked on our door seeking help because they were having leaky bag issues and were at their wit's end. Of course I went to help. I mean, how could I not? I didn't sleep well at all last night. And my anxiety has been through the roof ever since. (Enough to take part of one of my DH's Xanaxes, which I NEVER do.) I don't understand why in the very same days that I'm trying to reduce care to my mother that I'm presented with this new situation. Now, a huge part of me didn't mind helping, but I have no idea whether what I did worked, and my brain has ben replaying the whole thing and trying our other ideas in my head. And while it really doesn't bother me, I saw my neighbor nude. I seriously don't care about the seeing part, but it does sink me into a level of intimacy with this person that I don't want to be in.

Why is this stuff following me around? Why is it every time I try to get away, does the cosmos or whatever reel me back in? My brain is blown right now.  

Edited May 8, 2023 by pitterpatter

[cintinative]

let me reframe it for you (as an outsider looking in).  You saw a person that looked unwell, you had compassion, and you stopped to listen to her story. You cared for this woman. You empathized with their situation, and shared a little of your experience.  Because you were open and caring to them, the neighbor felt comfortable approaching you for help. You showed them empathy and compassion when others may have looked away or been uncomfortable. They felt so safe with you they asked you to help with something somewhat intimate.  To me, all these are good things. They speak to your character. They tell me that these neighbors genuinely believe you care for them.

What *I* think is stressing you is the idea that you might get pulled in to do this often. That is a valid concern.  So this is a  time to think about what boundaries you can set.  What resources for home health can you send to your neighbor?  How can you express empathy and concern while also drawing up boundaries? Those are the things to think about IMO.  

As for the cosmos, I think they sent an empathetic person with specific skills to help a woman in need. And that is beautiful.

Edited May 8, 2023 by cintinative

[Kassia]

@cintinative's post was spot on.  Hugs to you as you process this, though.  What timing!  

[Faith-manor]

Cintinative is wise. This is what is getting you. You did a wonderful, kind thing. But going forward, if they keep requesting help, you need to refer them to social services and remind them that they need to call the hospital social worker or have an ambulance take.her back to the hospital if they cannot figure out care at home. You do not need to answer the phone or the door if they show up again. It is entirely up to you. "I am sorry, but I am not a skilled nurse so I can not continue to provide assistance. Here is the number of a home health agency to call." You can set a boundary.

Be kind to yourself.

[Katy]

You’re stressed they’re going to not only call again, but abuse you if you assert boundaries. They won’t. And if for some reason I’m wrong, it won’t hurt to call a jerk a jerk. 

[pitterpatter]

The home health agency was full and told them it would be two weeks before getting her in. I told them that was not acceptable...that she would be all healed up by then, that she need to call the doctor or hospital to find a different company that can come now. I also told them about a wound clinic I know of that was pretty decent when my mom and I first started out. They should be able to help her with her very normal ostomy. I also gave them some samples of some premium ostomy products we use. And, told them they needed to call to be sure that someone actually ordered their ostomy supplies because they only had a few samples left and you can't just buy that stuff at Walmart. There's one place that is semi-local that carries limited options. I told them about it. She has a doctor's appointment today, so hopefully they can get some stuff worked out.

53 minutes ago, cintinative said:

What *I* think is stressing you is the idea that you might get pulled in to do this often. That is a valid concern.  So this is a  time to think about what boundaries you can set.  What resources for home health can you send to your neighbor?  How can you express empathy and concern while also drawing up boundaries? Those are the things to think about IMO. 

 

42 minutes ago, Faith-manor said:

Cintinative is wise. This is what is getting you. You did a wonderful, kind thing. But going forward, if they keep requesting help, you need to refer them to social services and remind them that they need to call the hospital social worker or have an ambulance take.her back to the hospital if they cannot figure out care at home. You do not need to answer the phone or the door if they show up again. It is entirely up to you. "I am sorry, but I am not a skilled nurse so I can not continue to provide assistance. Here is the number of a home health agency to call." You can set a boundary.

Be kind to yourself.

 

[Starr]

Thankfully you were able to give them some direction. It sounds like their health care providers didn’t give them enough. I think you are tired and stressed over all not that this would have bothered you otherwise. And really, can’t it just stop and give you a rest. I hate how things seem to multiply when I’ve had enough. Hugs 

[thatfirstsip]

You have been abused by your mother. The circumstances of some of the worst of the abuse center around care for an ostomy bag. When someone else requests help with an ostomy bag, the trauma response you have to the situation with your mother is triggered. It's pretty classic.

You can say no to these people and they will not treat you the way your mother has. You do not need to project the relationship with your mother onto your relationship with them, although it is completely natural to do so. You do not need to help them, neither morally, nor practically, nor out of fear of more abuse if you do not.

It might feel like you're a reasonable resource for this help because of your experience, but actually you're not: you're traumatized, and the victim of abuse, and helping with this will be more harmful to you than anyone else they could find.

[prairiewindmomma]

50 minutes ago, thatfirstsip said:

You have been abused by your mother. The circumstances of some of the worst of the abuse center around care for an ostomy bag. When someone else requests help with an ostomy bag, the trauma response you have to the situation with your mother is triggered. It's pretty classic.

You can say no to these people and they will not treat you the way your mother has. You do not need to project the relationship with your mother onto your relationship with them, although it is completely natural to do so. You do not need to help them, neither morally, nor practically, nor out of fear of more abuse if you do not.

It might feel like you're a reasonable resource for this help because of your experience, but actually you're not: you're traumatized, and the victim of abuse, and helping with this will be more harmful to you than anyone else they could find.

This.

[prairiewindmomma]

The fact that you are so knocked off-kilter by this experience is just pointing to the severity of the trauma you have experienced and continue to experience with your mom. 
 

This should further underscore to you that your body and mind are telling you that you need to be done with your mom…like now, not some point in the future.

[Carol in Cal.]

Everything everyone has said so far is exactly right.

I would like to add—learning is never wasted.  You’ve developed an informative expertise that enabled you to coach these people in an exemplary way, and you used is very well, for their ultimate benefit.  This is the upside, the silver lining, to your horrific experiences the last few years.  There *is* a gift in there after all!  And you have held that gift loosely and shared it with others generously!

Now it’s time to move on.  Hugs to you!

[pitterpatter]

I did check in with my neighbor via text this morning. The bag I put on last night hasn't leaked and her breakdown is no longer stinging, so I'm chilling a bit. Hopefully, it will continue to work for them and I can just jump over and train them how to do it the same way, if a true need arises. I have not offered them anything other than practical advice and a little encouragement.

[Katy]

Honestly if they can’t get the help she needs at home she’ll need to be readmitted until her needs are taken care of. I’m shocked she was sent home without education, a scheduled appointment, and an emergency number to call for help. I know medical staff is stretched thin, but this isn’t optional, it’s a need. 

[Grace Hopper]

7 hours ago, Faith-manor said:

Cintinative is wise. This is what is getting you. You did a wonderful, kind thing. But going forward, if they keep requesting help, you need to refer them to social services and remind them that they need to call the hospital social worker or have an ambulance take.her back to the hospital if they cannot figure out care at home. You do not need to answer the phone or the door if they show up again. It is entirely up to you. "I am sorry, but I am not a skilled nurse so I can not continue to provide assistance. Here is the number of a home health agency to call." You can set a boundary.

Be kind to yourself.

I think for liability purposes alone, you need to set a boundary. 
 

And I agree with @cintinative 100%. 

[Grace Hopper]

4 hours ago, thatfirstsip said:

You have been abused by your mother. The circumstances of some of the worst of the abuse center around care for an ostomy bag. When someone else requests help with an ostomy bag, the trauma response you have to the situation with your mother is triggered. It's pretty classic.

You can say no to these people and they will not treat you the way your mother has. You do not need to project the relationship with your mother onto your relationship with them, although it is completely natural to do so. You do not need to help them, neither morally, nor practically, nor out of fear of more abuse if you do not.

It might feel like you're a reasonable resource for this help because of your experience, but actually you're not: you're traumatized, and the victim of abuse, and helping with this will be more harmful to you than anyone else they could find.

 

4 hours ago, prairiewindmomma said:

This.

Echoing this!!!

My dds have sat me down and said: you could be really good at xyz (caregiving situation) but you should avoid it at all costs because we see from a step back and know that it will be triggering and cause you emotional damage. 

[prairiewindmomma]

One of the hallmarks of abusive thinking, imo, is “only you can do this” and “without your help, terrible things will happen”.
 

Abusive people tend to message that to the people they abuse, and because they beat down your boundaries, it’s hard to put them up when you see others needing help. I still find myself having to stop that internal message loop that got recorded in my brain. Someone on the other thread asked, “If you weren’t here, what would happen?” We tend to catastrophize the consequences, but the reality is, even in worst case scenarios, the consequences are usually avoidable with different choice making by others. 
 

Your neighbor can of course always reach back to her care providers. So can your mom. This isn’t on you and you alone.

[pitterpatter]

Yes, this was partly what was bugging me. I had to access information in my head from six years ago when my mom was initially in the hospital and actually had a normal stoma. I had never changed a bag for a normal protruding stoma before last night. I generally know the info but don't have practice with it. What if I cut the hole too small? What if I popped a stitch on her newly created stoma? What if I left a burr on the wafer when I cut the hole for her stoma and it rubs a sore? These people aren't our favorite neighbors, so I was nervous about getting blamed for doing something wrong. Her stoma was pretty active, which made it all that much more difficult. There's no time to do much double checking when a stoma is pooping. You have to take a chance and be quick when there's a pause.

2 hours ago, Grace Hopper said:

I think for liability purposes alone, you need to set a boundary.

[Scarlett]

I think you are an amazing daughter and person, but the time has come to look out for yourself.