My friend went too far........

[StephinAL]

She didn't like how her son seemed to be left out in a recent outing with the homeschool group and blamed my son. The part that really upsets me is that she cryingly yelled at my son for over twenty minutes in her car (while driving 80mph, at night, in the rain) in front of her son with some help from her teenage daughter. My son wasn't even sure what he did. Her son tends to get himself into situations where the boys pick on him because he is loud and aggravates them. My son does try to take up for him, but I guess she didn't think he was doing a good enough job this time. Even if it were true and my son was in the wrong, I am totally ticked at how she handled it. She has a history of intervening when she feels other children are mistreating her children. She once pulled my 6 or 7yo dd over to the side in church for not paying enough attention to her dd in a group. She lost another friend for what she said to that friends daughter about how she was treating her daughter. I could give many more examples, but the last straw was her treatment of my son yesterday and I know it isn't healthy for my children to be possibly be subjected to anything like this again. I know I cannot continue our friendship as it has been, but how do you handle it when you run in the same circles (homeschool group)? I don't want awkwardness for my children and don't know how to proceed from here.

[Remudamom]

Straight forward. Tell her to back off your kids and handle her own. Sometimes being brutally honest gets the job done.

 

If she had done that to my dd I'm not sure if I would have decked her or rolled around on the floor laughing at her. For Pete's sake.

[FO4UR]

I'd sit down and talk with your dc about how that's not how adults should talk to children. We are going to show grace and kindness to this family - we will not speak poorly of them or mistreat them. However, we will not be best friends with them either. The dc will not be left in the mother's care - ever, and your dc have every right to not play with her dc.

 

I can't imagine yelling at a child for not playing with my dc:confused::001_huh: WEIRD!

[swellmomma]

How sad for your son! I am so you have to lose a friendship, but it is the right thing for your children. As for how to deal with being in the same circles. I had a friendship end a year ago, due to major lies being said about me. We attended the same church, the same homeschool groups etc. I decided to simply ignore her if I saw her but not let it impact my life all that much. In the end she left the church and put her kids in ps, so I am thinking there was a lot more going on behind the scenes when she decided to start slandering my name/reputation. Prior to her leaving those things, the kids still played together at church etc, I did not stop them, I simply stayed away from the mother, the kids didn't do anything wrong and should have to be punished because their parent was a major idiot.

 

I would also confront that mother and let her know point blank why the friendship is ending.

[AuntieM]

if you are up to it, and can do it with love, this poor gal needs someone to let her know that her behavior is likely the reason for the problems in the first place!

 

Her poor kids must either be mortified with embarrassment or, worse yet, growing up to be just like her.

 

If you have the courage and heart, a little truthful intervention might help her from making the same mistake with yet another friend/family. And if she gets totally mad and defensive with you, well, what's the loss? That would be the end of our time spent with her anyway.

 

I might even go so far as to ask her to apologize to my son. Your poor kid, he was really a prisoner in a dangerous situation. I would certainly assure him that that scenario would never be repeated.

 

Life can sure get messy. I am sorry you and yours had to experience that.

[StephinAL]

Her children are 14 and 16 and mind are 15 and 17. I don't know how all of this will affect their friendships, but I think it possibly could.

[Remudamom]

Well, at least your kids are old enough to know she's an idiot. It would be much worse if they were littles.

[Jennifer3141]

If someone drove 80 miles an hour with my child in the car while they were emotionally unstable, that would be the LAST time I allowed that person near my children.

 

Jen

[Blueridge]

What really concerns me is the fact she was out of control (crying and driving fast) while she was doing the 'chastising'. I wonder if there is much more going on behind the scenes with this lady. Maybe hormonal imbalances or trouble with her hubby? Yes, you need to talk to her, in love. Very sad for you. :grouphug:

Ginger

[Laura K (NC)]

(while I was composing this several others wrote similar things... )

 

I'd spend a few days cooling down, because I would sure need it.

 

There are five issues, istm.

 

1. Her own kids' needs: She wants the best for her children and she's not afraid to ask for it. We're all like that to some extent. But she doesn't know that her efforts are counterproductive. She should be told for her own kids' sake.

 

2. Your child's safety: this is the biggie. She endangered your child when she was defending her own by driving like that. She also endangered her own children. This alone would be enough for me to limit interaction with a friend's parent.

 

3. Anger: She has a serious anger problem. Anything you say will probably exacerbate it, especially this time of year. Anyone who is reduced to tears while yelling at a friend's son in front of her own children is, well, pretty unstable unless death, dismemberment, or imprisonment was involved. If you're child wasn't being nice, though? This is so very ironic! You said her son sometimes gets loud also. Sounds like your son got backed up against a wall, just like you have.

 

4. Your children's association with her children: Your children should be encouraged to be charitable, but they should also be protected. If it was me, I would encourage them to avoid this woman's children for a while, and I'd tell the woman why. After a few months have passed, maybe some healing can begin and the friend's kids can make friends based on their own merits instead of their mother's bullying.

 

5. Your friendship with her: to go on and become friends again with her will require that she regain your trust. She needs to know that, and it's up to her to make amends here. If it were worth it to me to continue the friendship, I'd lay out everything, and I'd probably have to do it in a letter so I wouldn't get emotional and I could say everything I needed to say without being attacked. A letter will also allow her to read it first and get angry, then read it again after she cooled off, and maybe consider that what you are saying is worth considering. She probably knows she has trouble with anger. Her intentions are good, even if she doesn't know the socially acceptable way to act on them. Sometimes it's best just to ignore those who are poisoning your life, but if you are to be interacting with this family on a regular basis, it's better to go for the blowup now and then have it behind you and be able to move past it.

 

She probably recognizes how ridiculous (if not how dangerous) she was, and if she was a true friend she would contact you or your son to apologize about this overreaction. That takes a lot of humility, though, especially to apologize to a child. I would insist on it, however, for the sake of the dignity of your son. Your children come first, always.

[BusyMum]

Goodness! She definitely DID go too far!

 

Your poor poor son! What a mortifying, confusing and above all dangerous situation to put him in!

 

I think that now is a good time to teach your teens how to protect their dignity. She will not be the only person they will encounter in lifes journey who does not know how to treat others appropriately. They may later encounter it in co-workers, boss, relationships etc. You have the oppertunity to teach them how to deal with this - with a staunch belief in their own worth and dignity but also kind respect for the other person's obvious problems. Teach them about boundaries and about protecting themselves from allowing others to abuse them. Give them the tools they will need in life to deal with people who emotionally unbalanced without taking responsibility for their problems. And above all, teach them when to walk away from a toxic situation.

 

I think that handled well, this can be a powerful teachable moment.

[Janet in Toronto]

Her children are 14 and 16 and mind are 15 and 17. I don't know how all of this will affect their friendships, but I think it possibly could.

 

Yikes! I can't imagine micromanaging my teens' relationships. There is definitely some wierdness going on here.

[Carol in Cal.]

she never, ever drives any of your children anywhere again. She has acted in a profoundly irresponsible way (even aside from being horribly verbally abusive). You can forgive her, but you cannot let there be a chance of this ever happening again.

 

Period.

 

Never.

 

No matter if she gets anger management counselling or whatever. Never.

 

Next, I think that your son handled it well not to argue with her. She would have cried more, driven faster, and endangered him more if he had.

 

I don't know how to proceed forward, but those two points seem to need to be held firmly in mind.

 

I also think, in situations like this, about what I would like to see be done instead. If she had a beef with your son, she should have confronted him in a loving way in private, or talked with you or the leadership about it. Is there any way that you can arrange for that kind of input to be fed out to the group as a whole? It's often the case that conflict resolution procedures are a matter of policy for a homeschooling group, but not always.

 

Also, some parents really don't have any boundaries, and don't see the need to control themselves. I have seen similar behavior with more than one family with younger children, and it's always kind of appalling. I'm really, really sorry that this happened to your son, and I hope that you are telling him that it was inappropriate, so that he realizes that that is your opinion.

[Jennifer3141]

she never, ever drives any of your children anywhere again. She has acted in a profoundly irresponsible way (even aside from being horribly verbally abusive). You can forgive her, but you cannot let there be a chance of this ever happening again.

 

Period.

 

Never.

 

No matter if she gets anger management counselling or whatever. Never.

 

Next, I think that your son handled it well not to argue with her. She would have cried more, driven faster, and endangered him more if he had.

 

I don't know how to proceed forward, but those two points seem to need to be held firmly in mind.

 

Carol, ITA. I'd be on the phone today completely severing ties with this woman. Good post!

 

Jen

[readwithem]

If someone drove 80 miles an hour with my child in the car while they were emotionally unstable, that would be the LAST time I allowed that person near my children.

 

Jen

 

:iagree:

[coffeefreak]

StephinAL,

You and I are having similar weeks with parents who exhibit poor behavior:glare: I was thinking of posting when I read yours. The difference is, my dd is only 9, and I had to intervene because of her age. After talking with the other Mom, it became apparent that the relationship with the other family has to end. It's toxic and detremental to our family. The sad thing is, my dd is relieved and I feel horrible that I haven't stepped in sooner.

 

In regards to how to proceed at church and in HS circles, we've told her is she has to be kind, she has to be respectful and courteous, and she absolutely has to turn the other cheek. She CAN NOT retaliate or talk about the incident to ANYONE no matter what the other person says. As for me, I want to take the other mom and SHAKE her for what she's allowed her daughter to do to my child!!!! But, I'll do the same thing I've told my daughter to do. What I've found in life is, when someone is unreasonable and we don't turn the other cheek, we look just as unreasonable. However, if we remain kind, and refuse to join in the gossip of why the friendship ended (which no one would know it ended if the other person would just keep it to themselves), it eventually blows over, and people see the truth of the situation.

 

Oh, and when I say Turn the other cheek, I mean to walk away, or ignore what's being said. I did tell my daughter she does not have to take the abuse that I know will be meted out the next time she's with this child, however, she is to walk away and get an adult. I also don't intend to ever let this adult be alone with my daughter again.

 

I know your kids are older than mine, but I hope that helps!

 

Blessings,

Dorinda:grouphug:

[Miss Sherry]

You've gotten some good input here. I agree that you need to keep your children away from that women - especially don't let them be in a situation that they end up in a car with her again.

 

When my daughter was only 9 years old or so a woman had moved in next door with her parents and she had a couple of young daughters that were only about 2 and 4 years old. She also had a snotty teenager, which is another story. :glare:

 

The Mom went across the street where our 9 year old was jumping on a trampoline with another 9 year old girl and yelled at her for not playing with her 2 and 4 year olds. It was really strange.

 

My husband went next door and let this woman know what he thought about her actions, which also was not a pretty scene, but she left our daughter alone after that. I would have handled it differently , but I have no control over what dh says to the neighbors. :ohmy:

 

People can get a little crazy when they are under a lot of stress. That women's dh had fallen through a covered hole in the roof of a building he was working on and became paralyzed. They lost their home, were flat broke, and had been for a few years, so her and her children were living with her parents and her dh was living with a friend.They did not want to live separated but they didn't have the money to get a home of their own with enough space for all of them. They were waiting on a lawsuit to be settled.

 

Although I could sympathize with the stress that family was going through we still put an end to the Mom and the snotty kids having contact with our daughter.

 

There have been a few instances come up that have led me to say to my children to ignore/don't talk back,if an adult is being rude to them. But let me know about it.

Edited December 10, 2008 by Miss Sherry

[battlemaiden]

As for running in the same circles....

 

I'm sure there is a lot of advice about the right way to handle it in a strait forward, verbally honest way, but honestly I would just ignore her. I wouldn't call her or return her calls, go out of my way to talk to her, or invite her kids to my home. If she asks, *then* I would explain that you don't feel comfortable in the friendship and that you would prefer to keep each other as acquaintances only. If she presses then I would give examples.

 

Honestly, she probably doesn't have a clue that she is looney. Why go out of the way to explain?

 

Jo

[Alexandra]

If someone drove 80 miles an hour with my child in the car while they were emotionally unstable, that would be the LAST time I allowed that person near my children.

 

Jen

 

I would not be worried about how to handle it. In my opinion it would just be "Bubye!". Finito.

[riada]

I'd sit down and talk with your dc about how that's not how adults should talk to children. We are going to show grace and kindness to this family - we will not speak poorly of them or mistreat them. However, we will not be best friends with them either. The dc will not be left in the mother's care - ever, and your dc have every right to not play with her dc.

 

I can't imagine yelling at a child for not playing with my dc:confused::001_huh: WEIRD!

:iagree:Exactly what I would do!

[kalanamak]

As for running in the same circles....

 

I'm sure there is a lot of advice about the right way to handle it in a strait forward, verbally honest way, but honestly I would just ignore her. I wouldn't call her or return her calls, go out of my way to talk to her, or invite her kids to my home. If she asks, *then* I would explain that you don't feel comfortable in the friendship and that you would prefer to keep each other as acquaintances only. If she presses then I would give examples.

 

Honestly, she probably doesn't have a clue that she is looney. Why go out of the way to explain?

:iagree:

And be prepared, emotionally, for some nasty things said to/about you.