Suggestions for phone/internet self-regulation

[Eos]

Dd16 is starting a jam-packed 11th grade and has developed a time management problem with chatting on a discord group with friends and pinterest.   She is a lively extravert, and I'm happy for her to have had a safe way to socialize during the pandemic, but I can see it has interfered with her self-chosen projects this summer.  Can anyone share what ideas or rules you and your dc have used to balance non-school related internet use and homeschool?  She will have two online classes this year plus is a TA for another, so will need free access to the internet.  I'm looking for suggestions that have created ease rather than conflict!  4th child, 1st time dealing with this.  Sigh. 

Thank you in advance.

Harpy

Edited August 19, 2021 by Harpymom

[TexasProud]

Ok, because she is 16, this needs to be a plan that SHE comes up with, that you help her come up with. Just imposing rules probably will not help the situation. In 2 years she will be out of your house and will have to self-regulate.  So, I would come at it from a sense of curiosity.  Ask her how the derailed projects went.  Did she wish they could have gone better?  Why didn't they?  ( This will help you see if she sees the connection between internet and derailing of goals. If she doesn't see the problem, you might ask some guiding questions to see if you can see that. ) 

Also sharing that maybe you, too, have trouble sometimes spending too much time on the phone/internet.  I've been thinking about .....   Just an overall conversation about the great benefits, but also the drawbacks to Pinterest/discord.  Together, have her figure out a plan and even better you come up with a plan for you as well and then you can both hold each other accountable.  

See them as young adults, and preparing them to live on their own is key. Others may disagree, but just setting down time limits and such would not be as helpful IMO.

[Katy]

Yes, what @TexasProud said.

Also, with the college classes (and home school if possible), have her read the syllabuses and compile a SINGLE assignment & study list, arranged by due date. This is easiest to do in a table in word or in an excel spreadsheet.  Enter the data, sort by due date, print. Put it on a clipboard and hang it above her desk. Have her mark off assignments with a highlighter. Then everyone (including mom) can see what the next thing she needs to work on is, easily, at all times.

She also might like buying a new planner in a design she's excited about.  A weekly format one is fine, irregular appointments on one side, to-do's on the other side of the daily rectangle.

When she does go off to college she sounds like someone who might really benefit from the Greek system (obviously depending on the culture of the school she's at).  Required but social study hours with someone supervising her grades AND social schedules AND community service built in might be really good for her.

ETA:  Have her follow this system: http://collegecompass.co/ultimate-guide-college-organization/

Edited August 19, 2021 by Katy

[Junie]

Well, if you look at my post count here, I am obviously not very good at this; however:

The advice that she has to create her own plan is excellent.

The only thing that I really have to add is there should probably be more leniency than normal because of the pandemic.  If this is a good outlet for social interaction for her, that is important -- and will be more important during this time than it will be when things get back to normal.  So whatever plan she comes up with for now does not need to be a long term plan.  So maybe when developing a plan, consider building in a time to reevaluate to determine whether the plan is working.

[TheReader]

Great suggestions so far! (in fact, I'm going to borrow that weekly sheet by date bit; so simple!)

For ours, he's worked out a system of turning  off notifications to things (so that he goes and checks on his time, vs. "needing" to look every time a notice pops up).  Then he leaves his phone itself on Do Not Disturb while he's doing anything school related (and his phone comes and lives downstairs to charge overnight).  Then he sets up and allows himself "brain breaks" while working, so he sets a timer on his phone when he takes a break from school stuff, so he doesn't just get sucked in to checking "just one quick comment..." or whatever. 

He also does far better with this during school than the summer, b/c school deadlines are real and self-directed projects can always be delayed w/o consequence, ya know? So I wouldn't automatically assume that poorer time management over the summer means a full slip for the school year, too. She may well bounce back when she's in "school mode."  Mine always does, and he's our very least organized/time management/self motivated kid. 

We did take a "when you work on it is up to you as long as you are up/awake for all of your obligations, everything gets done on time, and you can still function, and grades don't slip b/c of poor/rushed work" approach; so, sometimes that means he stays up late doing school, because he took time off in the day to play video games with his brothers (or chatting on discord, or...) but we realized he's going to stay up late anyway, that's just his sleep schedule, so let him be in charge of what gets done, when, as long as it all gets done and the work doesn't suffer. 

 

[Miss Tick]

In addition to what had already been mentioned, we instituted a Friday check-in. Everybody stops in and tells me what they have to do over the weekend and when they plan to do it. This helps to ensure that weekend work is balanced with weekend not-work. Highly recommended, but technically not required.

In full disclosure I have to mention that this semester we are also doing a Monday check-in to see how the weekend went. 🙄 Sometimes the scaffolding completely obscures the facade.

[Eos]

These thoughts are so super helpful, thank you all.  

10 hours ago, TexasProud said:

Ok, because she is 16, this needs to be a plan that SHE comes up with, that you help her come up with. Just imposing rules probably will not help the situation. In 2 years she will be out of your house and will have to self-regulate. 

So true, especially since that is her fiery nature - if it's not coming from her, it's not happening!

10 hours ago, Katy said:

Also, with the college classes (and home school if possible), have her read the syllabuses and compile a SINGLE assignment & study list, arranged by due date. This is easiest to do in a table in word or in an excel spreadsheet.  Enter the data, sort by due date, print. Put it on a clipboard and hang it above her desk. Have her mark off assignments with a highlighter. Then everyone (including mom) can see what the next thing she needs to work on is, easily, at all times.

Great ideas, her weekly planner is currently a pad of paper but she loves good design and organizing everything so I think she'd like an official organizer.

 

8 hours ago, TheReader said:

So I wouldn't automatically assume that poorer time management over the summer means a full slip for the school year, too. She may well bounce back when she's in "school mode."

I think this is on the mark.  She does well with structure and flounders with its lack, but the structure has to be hers or it doesn't work.  

[TexasProud]

27 minutes ago, Harpymom said:

These thoughts are so super helpful, thank you all.  

So true, especially since that is her fiery nature - if it's not coming from her, it's not happening!

LOL.  Been there done that.  Mine has really thrived in college as she is a self starter. She is like me and needs outside accountability.  I get so much more done when I have a lot going on. If I have plenty of time I waste it.  And now that fiery girl actually asks and takes advice from me. 🙂  

[Eos]

Well, it's been quite a year.  PLEASE DO NOT QUOTE.  She managed to do an intense junior year with rigorous classes, lots of ECs, and really improved her impulse control.  And our relationship has improved immensely.  Last night after a long day of intense conversation about how much she can use a car (ranging over time management, impulse control, and other meta-topics) she came back from a walk in tears and said she is uncontrollably addicted to the internet.  My decision to follow the above advice re self-regulation/coming from her worked in the sense that she did manage to do all that needed to be done but also didn't work in that she is recognizing her addiction for what it is - controlling her life. 

I recently read an article that spoke to the problem of actually needing to use the internet to function, so addiction cannot be managed in the exact same ways as other substances ie cold turkey isn't technically an option when you have DE class course and ultimately college then life.  

Part of my problem in helping her is that I don't know much about tech.  For instance, I suggested she block pinterest and youtube from her devices, but I am not actually sure if that's possible.  Can you text without a platform like discord?  I have very little credibility in her mind because of my lack of knowledge.

Thank you for all suggestions that have worked for your kids or others you know.  She needs a system, not so much pointing out how her internet time impacts her.  She knows it, and wants change that is more than self-awareness.  I've looked online (LOL) for ideas but she has already panned most of them.  If you knew our family you might laugh that this is our problem, but I'm on the hunt for a workable solution asap.

[Rosie_0801]

What is she getting from it? People self medicate for a reason.

[Eos]

Just now, Rosie_0801 said:

What is she getting from it? People self medicate for a reason.

Yes, and I understand addictions to be about not feeling your feelings.  I can't know with certainty, but have my suspicions.  She was bullied as a young person by a group of homeschooled kids and she refers to that time as the start of her problems.

[Rosie_0801]

15 minutes ago, Eos said:

Yes, and I understand addictions to be about not feeling your feelings.  I can't know with certainty, but have my suspicions.  She was bullied as a young person by a group of homeschooled kids and she refers to that time as the start of her problems.

So she's online to look for like minded friends? Validation? To give advice? Because she's addicted to drama? 

[Hilltopmom]

The book Glow Kids is a good read to explore this.

Inuse the screen time function on my phone & set limits on the amount of daily time I can spend ion WTM & Fb. Yiu can override them but a warning  pops up.

Also deleting certain apps off phone so you have to use a computer to use them makes it harder but still possible.

Edited June 7, 2022 by Hilltopmom

[Eos]

18 minutes ago, Rosie_0801 said:

So she's online to look for like minded friends? Validation? To give advice? Because she's addicted to drama? 

To chat with her friends, though she prefers to see them in person. She told me scrolling through pinterest or youtube does not make her happy, she just does it. She doesn't have facebook or instagram.  

[Eos]

15 minutes ago, Hilltopmom said:

The book Glow Kids is a good read to explore this.

Inuse the screen time function on my phone & set limits on the amount of daily time I can spend ion WTM & Fb. Yiu can override them but a warning  pops up.

Also deleting certain apps off phone so you have to use a computer to use them makes it harder but still possible.

I'll have to get the book through ILL, mine doesn't have it.  I'm also looking at a book titled Screenwise that looks helpful. 

She didn't have a smartphone until last year, and it has really changed the equation.  I wonder if she would be willing to just put it back down and only use the laptop.

Edited June 7, 2022 by Eos

[Hilltopmom]

9 hours ago, Eos said:

I'll have to get the book through ILL, mine doesn't have it.  I'm also looking at a book titled Screenwise that looks helpful. 

She didn't have a smartphone until last year, and it has really changed the equation.  I wonder if she would be willing to just put it back down and only use the laptop.

I have screenwise too- just finishing a book study on it actually. It would be worth reading as well. It’s much more tech positive than Glow Kids but both have valid points and suggestions. 

[Elona]

It sounds like the ease of the smartphone (to soothe boredom or to avoid overwhelming tasks or emotions, perhaps) is the problem. I would see what she thinks about putting her phone in a lockbox or drawer during set hours. Then, on her laptop, she could possibly use Freedom (app/software) to block things when she really wants to focus.

Alternatively, maybe she'd like to swap her smart phone for one without internet and apps, just talk & text.

[Clemsondana]

I've got a kid who is solving the problem of being bothered by losing time online.  I know one reason why they do it - other kid is dealing with some stuff and the loudness of arguments is a huge distraction, so kid clicks on something fun until it quiets down enough to focus, and then loses track of time.  Kid just read the book 'Deep Work' by Cal Newport and said that it had some good tips.  Kid doesn't get lost on the phone as much as the computer - usually kid only checks in on the phone at certain times.  Kid chose to migrate all things on their computer to a particular browser that will let you see how much time you spend in each tab or site or something, so that kid can see where their time is going.  They've turned off notifications on everything so that they can check at certain times.  They've also decided to try setting goals - having a particular assignment done by a certain time, or committing to doing an activity or chore with somebody and then having their work done before the activity.  And, kid is being conscious of the need to take down time, but for it to be a choice.  Like it's fine to decide to read a book or play a game or have a conversation, but be aware of it as 'this is my fun time' not 'wow - where did those 2 hours go?' or counting it as part of work since they worked for 30 minutes, played online chess for 30 minutes, and then worked for 15, so it's 1 hr and 15 minutes of work.  🙂  It's a work in progress, but progress does seem to be happening.  Kid did say that summer is harder - they are doing some online classes, but don't have the enforced routine of sports practice and youth group and other school year activities.  They've added some things on their own - participating in some athletic workout sessions, going to a nearby open gym to play some ball for fun, etc, to give themselves some structure.  

[Catwoman]

@Eos -- I just wanted to say that I admire your dd for being self-aware enough to realize that she has a problem, and for wanting to do something about it!

[Katy]

That’s a really wise revelation for someone so young. Whenever the trouble is coming from the way you are thinking about something I highly recommend cognitive behavioral therapy. It teaches how to identify truthful thoughts and stop lying to ourselves. It’s also a matter of weeks of treatment not years. 

[Eos]

11 hours ago, Katy said:

That’s a really wise revelation for someone so young. Whenever the trouble is coming from the way you are thinking about something I highly recommend cognitive behavioral therapy. It teaches how to identify truthful thoughts and stop lying to ourselves. It’s also a matter of weeks of treatment not years. 

This is what I'm reading and makes the most sense to me, thank you.

[Eos]

13 hours ago, Elona said:

It sounds like the ease of the smartphone (to soothe boredom or to avoid overwhelming tasks or emotions, perhaps) is the problem. I would see what she thinks about putting her phone in a lockbox or drawer during set hours. Then, on her laptop, she could possibly use Freedom (app/software) to block things when she really wants to focus.

Alternatively, maybe she'd like to swap her smart phone for one without internet and apps, just talk & text.

Yes, we're talking about both the Freedom app and a non-smart phone as good options.  She counted one hour of random texting and no video watching yesterday, which she was proud of.  I know the habit-training means the third day is the hardest, and she'll have to make it to three weeks to really feel like it's changing.  She also said how much better it felt to have said it out loud, it's no longer her secret burden.

[Eos]

And today she finished pre-calc with one hour of recreational internet, another good day.  She has two more weeks of finishing two classes then off to a six week summer farm immersion/job with zero internet or phone.  So cold turkey it will be at that point.