Teens intentionally getting pregnant: Is this common?

[LBC]

We hosted a Christmas party for dh's business last night. One of the employees brought his young fiancé. She's had a bit of a tough life, but is a very sweet girl. She said that quite a few young girls from her home town (northern BC) are intentionally getting pregnant. Apparently, they want a cute little baby. They're on Facebook showing pictures of their tummies, saying that they're pregnant, and so excited. These girls are 15, 16 & 17 year olds. Is this for real? My dd will be 15 this week, and I can't even imagine her doing something like this. And think about the poor young teenage boys involved! They think they're getting a one night thrill, and instead they are becoming teenage fathers. :eek:

 

I guess each new generation has something to shock the previous generation. I thought I'd heard it all, but this is a new one for me.

 

Lori

[Perry]

I worked at a Planned Parenthood 18 years ago and it was happening then. Not frequently, but I did run across it. All of the girls were coming from a very unstable family situation- most were in some sort of foster care.

[LBC]

All of the girls were coming from a very unstable family situation- most were in some sort of foster care.

 

Hmmm... maybe it's a case of trying to create the "happy family" they didn't have. An immature way of having some perceived control over their lives. :confused:

[Perry]

I vividly remember one little girl telling me she just wanted something of her own to love. I suggested adopting a pet, and in all seriousness she told me that what she really wanted was a puppy, but foster children weren't allowed to have pets, so she was going to try to have a baby instead. We had a long conversation about it, and I suggested some alternatives, but I never saw her again and don't know what happened.

 

It was very sad.

[Nicole M]

I vividly remember one little girl telling me she just wanted something of her own to love. I suggested adopting a pet, and in all seriousness she told me that what she really wanted was a puppy, but foster children weren't allowed to have pets, so she was going to try to have a baby instead. We had a long conversation about it, and I suggested some alternatives, but I never saw her again and don't know what happened.

 

It was very sad.

 

This is heartbreaking. I have a dear friend who is a pediatrician and works in community health care. Her patients are either severely disabled with serious health issues or in foster care. She once rolled the numbers for me -- in her practice, about 80 percent of the girls under the age of 12 have been sexually abused and all of the girls over 12 have been. My guess is that when sex or sexuality is introduced into the lives of these young girls, it becomes an avenue, that door is opened. I'm just guessing.

 

But I'm straying from the OP's point. I think Facebook publicizes and puts a whole new twist on something that's been going on for a long time.

[Confuzzled]

And think about the poor young teenage boys involved! They think they're getting a one night thrill, and instead they are becoming teenage fathers. :eek:

 

 

As if they don't know how babies are made!?

[LBC]

As if they don't know how babies are made!?

 

Well, yes... of course. But unless the girls were being up front about the desire to have a baby, I assume the boys would think there was birth control involved, rather than a girl trying to conceive. These are young kids. They're more likely to be acting on instinct than well thought out life plans, IMO.

 

Lori

[Nicole M]

As if they don't know how babies are made!?

 

Of course they know. But they probably don't know that the girl's intentions are specifically to get pregnant.

 

I suspect the "boys" never find out though. In this area, 2/3rds of the fathers in these situations (14, 15, 16 yo moms) are well into adulthood. Nationally, the average is about half.

[mazakaal]

I've heard about this happening for years. From what I understand, it got a lot worse last year, partly due to the pregnacy of Brittany Spears's sister. Copycat pregnancies?!

[LizzyBee]

I grew up in a very rural area and we were pretty sheltered. Our peer pressure was largely on the side of NOT having premarital sex, or at least not while we were still in h.s. However, when I was in 9th or 10th grade, a girl moved to our area from Chicago and we got an education. She'd already had 2 miscarriages and thought nothing of discussing sex and pregnancy. She was even proud of it, and yes, she and her friends became pregnant on purpose. Also, my 3 older sisters moved to Baltimore to go to nursing school after h.s. and they encountered the same thing. This was 25-30 years ago, so it's not a new thing. My oldest sister ended up being an L&D/newborn nursery nurse for more than 30 years at the same hospital where she went to nsg school. I remember her saying once that she hated when the new moms (many of them teenagers) ask how to sign up for WIC before they ask any questions about their baby.

Edited December 8, 2008 by LizzyBee

[Sarah CB]

Ahem.

[Veritaserum]

My (unmarried) cousin recently got pregnant because she wants someone who will love her devotedly. She's had lots of bad relationships with men and has concluded that she'd never find the right guy. She is 24 so it isn't just teenagers.

[Kari C in SC]

When my dh and I were 16 and 17 we planned to get pregnant with our now almost 20 year old ds. It was not because he or I wanted a cute little baby or to take pictures of my belly. It was because my dh had a really awful family life and moved from his family at 13 years old. He desperately wanted to create his own family. Was it the most logical time to have a baby? No way! Did we push ahead together? Most definately. I would not want my children to make the same choice, but I don't regret our decision in any way. We were the rare couple that stayed together. I was friends with another girl that chose to get pregnant at the same time as me. Her boyfriend was all for it until about 3 months into her pregnancy. Then he left. Obviously, that is too often the norm. We were just the lucky ones!

[stripe]

I assume the boys would think there was birth control involved, rather than a girl trying to conceive.

 

This is a pet peeve of mine -- and I've heard this from married couples who were "surprised" or "not planning to become pregnant" -- I don't understand what makes doing certain things without actively trying to stop pregnancy, any different from "trying" to get pregnant. I guess the only difference is that you've announced to everyone you know that you're "trying." Ugh. Anyway I don't feel particularly sorry for the males involved. They should keep their pants on too.

 

And unless they are the ones using the birth control, why make assumptions? I personally know one man (married) who has been "surprised" to be a father. Six times. By different wives.

Edited December 7, 2008 by stripe

[LBC]

This is a pet peeve of mine -- and I've heard this from married couples who were "surprised" or "not planning to become pregnant" -- I don't understand what makes doing certain things without actively trying to stop pregnancy, any different from "trying" to get pregnant. I guess the only difference is that you've announced to everyone you know that you're "trying." Ugh. Anyway I don't feel particularly sorry for the males involved. They should keep their pants on too.

 

And unless they are the ones using the birth control, why make assumptions? I personally know one man (married) who has been "surprised" to be a father. Six times. By different wives.

 

Okay... I'm feeling a bit misunderstood.

I'm really not saying that it is a girl's responsibility to use birth control, and the boys are innocent victims. I would be just as upset to hear that boys were trying to get girls pregnant. Creating a life with someone should at least be a shared decision. Unless the boys are aware of the girls' motives, it is deceptive. Kids who are "messing around" in their teens are rarely mature enough to think of the long term consequences of their actions. They are also quite often experimenting with drugs and alcohol, which further impairs their judgment.

 

I certainly didn't post this to start a controversial subject about shared responsibility in using birth control.:001_huh:

 

Lori

[Rosie_0801]

Teen pregnancy has become a LOT more common here thanks to the government's bright idea of giving a $4000 baby bonus. That's a lot of money for a teenage girl, plus she can dump the baby with her parents and still enjoy a single parent's pension. I'm not saying all teenage pregnancies are money related, but a heck of a lot are at the moment. The rest are after someone who will love them unconditionally and aren't aware enough to consider the projectile vomit and miraculous toddler discovery of the word "NO!" My cousin had a baby at 18 and had arguments with her father about leaving the bub with her mother 3 nights a week so she could go out. Apparently being restricted to the house for 9 months meant she was owed party time after the baby was born. I've seen a few instances where the teens won't look after their babies, so their parents do, but it seems to even out after a year or so. I'm not sure if the grandparents get fed up and refuse to parent their grandchild anymore or if the mothers find the kiddies more interesting once they can walk and talk a bit and become willing to take over the parenting role.

 

Rosie

[texascamps]

In my high school there were haves and have-nots. ( I was a sorta have-not but not as much as I thought) There are the have-not girls who want to get impregnated by a have. On the street, one knows that through the system, or by the boys family, they can get child support for 18 plus years. During high school, I knew a few girls who were very shrewd in their dating choices, because you certainly didn't want a boy from a poor family getting you pregnant.

 

I think a few days in health class ought to be devoted to paternity laws and long term responsibility. Boys may be more likely to carry birth control and not always believe a girl when she says she's on the pill or wait if they know what their lifetime responsibility might be.

 

Also, in Texas it was very common for teenagers in certain cultures to get pregnant on purpose, because that's just what was expected. ( I remember dating a guy whose family constantly asked us when we were going to have a baby. Not, "when are you getting married" but, "when are you going to have a baby?" I was mortified, I was 17.)

 

We are already on all of this with our kids. And I fully expect to bring out the child support pay scale chart later on if I have to.

[stripe]

I certainly didn't post this to start a controversial subject about shared responsibility in using birth control.:001_huh:

I wasn't trying to argue with you -- but I sort of think you are trying to discuss responsibility in birth control use, because by saying that you feel sorry for "poor young teenage boys" who "think they're getting a one night thrill" -- well, I don't think young women should be treated as merely a one-night thrill, and if the young men do, then it is their fault as well -- even if the young woman WANTS to get pregnant, she can want as much as she wants, but it takes two to make a baby.

 

I think it's presumptuous for a male to assume that birth control is the female's responsibility and not ask any questions or do anything, and then be surprised if / when she gets pregnant. This is not just teens; the way many ADULTS talk suggest that it's not clear that what causes pregnancy, as if it's the desire for pregnancy that makes it happen, so that the same activity can be either "trying" or "not trying" depending on intent, never mind that it's the action that causes the pregnancy, if you get my drift.

 

So I'm saying, if a male doesn't want his sex partner to get pregnant, he should make his own decisions, not count on her. Otherwise, don't be surprised.

Edited December 8, 2008 by stripe

[kat19]

about teenagers getting pregnant and they teen girls were blaming it on television shows. They said the girls on the shows are all pretty, gets lots of attention and make things look so glamorous. It's crazy!

 

I got pregnant when I was 18 and had my son when I was 19. It was tough.

I couldn't image having a kid at 15 or 16.

[LizzyBee]

As if they don't know how babies are made!?

 

Sometimes the dads want the girl to get pregnant too. And sometimes girls lie and say they're on the pill when they're not.

[akmommy]

I don't know about now, but when I was a teen it was fairly common here. Alaska had a very generous public assistance program before welfare reform and many saw it as a way to get out of their parents house and rules. Dumb teenagers, unfortunately it was the children they created that paid the price.

 

Edited to add: Since welfare reform in the 90's it's not so easy because if they are minors they must live with a parent or guardian to recieve assistance .

Edited December 8, 2008 by akmommy

[Annie N]

I don't know about now, but when I was a teen it was fairly common here. Alaska had a very generous public assistance program before welfare reform and many saw it as a way to get out of their parents house and rules. Dumb teenagers, unfortunately it was the children they created that paid the price.

 

Edited to add: Since welfare reform in the 90's it's not so easy because if they are minors they must live with a parent or guardian to recieve assistance .

 

OTOH, around here I have heard about some mothers who are losing benefits pressuring their daughters to get pregnant... :(

 

Anyway, yes!!!! Boys should take care of themselves no matter what the girl says. I looked at some stats recently which showed that a high number of young pregnant girls said they thought they were doing whatever they were doing correctly, so it might not even be some girl's lie but just a mistake.

 

I have both sons and daughters, and I am watching out for all of them.

[Danestress]

 

So I'm saying, if a male doesn't want his sex partner to get pregnant, he should make his own decisions, not count on her. Otherwise, don't be surprised.

 

I agree. If you point a gun at someone and fire, thinking "surely the safety must be on," I have to think that you knew that you had a good chance of killing the person and I am not going to feel too terribly sorry for you when that happens. If you don't want to put a bullet through someone, make sure the safety is on yourself. Double check. Or don't fire at all:)

[JWSJ]

She said that quite a few young girls from her home town (northern BC) are intentionally getting pregnant. Apparently, they want a cute little baby.

 

The HS my niece attended had such a large number of girls getting pregnant that there was a Mommy's Club that scheduled events and playdates, etc.

 

There is no shame about getting pregnant in HS anymore. Her senior English class had 5 pregnant girls - some working on their 2nd child. What does that communicate to all the other girls that aren't pregnant?

 

It's acceptable.

[Danestress]

What does that communicate to all the other girls that aren't pregnant?

 

It's acceptable.

 

 

Kind of. But then again, it also communicates, "You don't have to have an abortion. Your life will not be over if you have this child. Your community values children and mothers even in less than ideal circumstances."

[BusyMum]

Kind of. But then again, it also communicates, "You don't have to have an abortion. Your life will not be over if you have this child. Your community values children and mothers even in less than ideal circumstances."

:iagree:

 

And that HAS to be a good thing! Right?

[cillakat]

So I'm saying, if a male doesn't want his sex partner to get pregnant, he should make his own decisions, not count on her. Otherwise, don't be surprised.

 

 

ditto. 100%

 

Wether or not she's being upfront, he can assume responsibility for his own little swimmers.

 

K

[tibbyl]

The HS my niece attended had such a large number of girls getting pregnant that there was a Mommy's Club that scheduled events and playdates, etc.

 

There is no shame about getting pregnant in HS anymore. Her senior English class had 5 pregnant girls - some working on their 2nd child. What does that communicate to all the other girls that aren't pregnant?

 

It's acceptable.

 

That they may be treated with compassion if/when they make same mistake.

Edited December 8, 2008 by tibbyl

[JWSJ]

That they may be treated with compassion if/when they make same mistake.

 

My point is that the girls do not think irresponsibile sex is a mistake.

[mazakaal]

I think a few days in health class ought to be devoted to paternity laws and long term responsibility.

 

 

The best abstinance-based education for me was high school health class that showed a graphic video of a woman giving birth. Seeing that kept me pure for several years! I did NOT want to go through THAT.

[AnnetteB]

Sadly, it is true that some are seeking pregnancy while still teens. Society has removed much of the stigma previously attached to unwed pregnancies. It used to be "My father would kill me!" Now there are cute clothes, baby gifts, and no shame. I suspect that one of my own dil allowed herself to become pg to keep her hold when doubts about the dating relationship came up :( Ds was warned and warned to remain celibate until he was sure, but it is near impossible for a young man to resist...sigh..enough said.

[Scarlett]

Sadly, it is true that some are seeking pregnancy while still teens. Society has removed much of the stigma previously attached to unwed pregnancies. It used to be "My father would kill me!" Now there are cute clothes, baby gifts, and no shame. I suspect that one of my own dil allowed herself to become pg to keep her hold when doubts about the dating relationship came up :( Ds was warned and warned to remain celibate until he was sure, but it is near impossible for a young man to resist...sigh..enough said.

 

Well, sure if he puts himself in situations where he reaches the point of no return. You are not giving your son enough credit...to say he couldn't resist makes him no better than saying the girl got pregnant on purpose.

 

And I know the OP was just making an observation about the shocking behavior of teens today. I do think it is worth noting that the action creates the responsibility...not the intent or the outcome.

 

Although it is better to keep a child than have an abortion, it is still very disturbing that there is no negative stigma attached (in general) to being pregnant out of wedlock. It is tricky to encourage life over abortion and not be encouraging children out of wedlock. Things are just really messed up. I sure hope I can help my son make wise decisions.

[SW in IL]

As I teenager, I was in and out of state run group homes for a couple of years. In one home, there were 8 girls (myself included) all between 15 and 18. Of the 8 girls, 3 of them were pregnant. One of the girls who was planning on keeping the baby when it was born, said she tried for 2 years before she got pregnant and that she did it intentionally. And in the high school I went to, we had a couple of girls who got pregnant, though I don't know if any of them did it intentionally.

 

I remember thinking at the time that it would be nice to have a baby of my own to take care of. Someone who would love me unconditionally. But for me it was prolly the same fleeting thoughts that a lot of teens have. I never really considered doing it. And I'm sure my boyfriend would have gone through the roof had I ever told him.

 

Fast forward some 20+ years and the same thing is going on. The daughter of a friend of a friend is 19 and pregnant with her 3rd(!) child. She has one that's 3 or 4 and another that's prolly not quite 2 years old. All 3 have different fathers. And a girl who goes to HS with my 15yo daughter is now pregnant for the second time (she miscarried the first time). When my daughter asked her why, it was because she knows her boyfriend will have to marry her if she has a baby and she knows her mom will raise the baby for her.

 

From the girls I know/know of, this seems to be more common in small towns than big cities. A friend (18 yo boy) who lives in a small town in AR says that lots of girls see it as their only way out of small town life. And most of them know that when they get tired of "playing mommy", their own moms will step in and take over. This friend's mom is raising her 2 grand-daughters and is financially supporting her other daughter, son-in-law, and 2 grandsons. Somehow I don't see how any of that is a way out of small town life.

 

Makes ya wonder what the world is coming to, though

 

Sue

[Tabrett]

My real mom did this and that is how I was born. She got pregnant at 15, married my 21 yo dad (who she lied to about her age) and had me 2 weeks after she turned 16. My real mom lived half her life in an orphanage after her alcoholic dad left her alcoholic mom. Her mom then took her 6 kids to an orphanage. My real mom was s*xually abused in the orphanage. She saw my dad as a way of getting out. My mom left my dad when I was 18months old for another man. She has man "hopped" all her life. I wasn't raised by my mom (thankfully). I couldn't even imagine a teen doing this even though it is how I came about. My dad and my grandmother (dad's mom) raised me. That was 37 years ago. I think teens have been doing this forever.

[swellmomma]

Well, sure if he puts himself in situations where he reaches the point of no return. You are not giving your son enough credit...to say he couldn't resist makes him no better than saying the girl got pregnant on purpose.

 

And I know the OP was just making an observation about the shocking behavior of teens today. I do think it is worth noting that the action creates the responsibility...not the intent or the outcome.

 

Although it is better to keep a child than have an abortion, it is still very disturbing that there is no negative stigma attached (in general) to being pregnant out of wedlock. It is tricky to encourage life over abortion and not be encouraging children out of wedlock. Things are just really messed up. I sure hope I can help my son make wise decisions.

 

While I do not agree with teens getting pg on purpose I am also glad that stigma is less, though it is far from gone. I had my oldest 2 children before getting married to their father. I have since chosen to plan and get pregnant with the youngest 2 as a single mother. They have different fathers, though in my case the men went into it knowing I was planning a child and chose to be my donors. While the stigma is not as severe as it once was, it is still there, I see it on this board, I see it at my church where I have been told that despite 20 years in childcare I can not work in the nursery because I am a single mom, I see it in the world at large regularily. DO you realize how many strangers will ask you if all the children have the same fathers when you are a single mom.

 

As a teenager I wanted a baby very much, and was even jealous of a girl in my hs that got pg, though I never acted on that desire while in high school and am glad now I didn't. In my city at least the stigma is still strong, pg girls are sent to a separate high school where they have a daycare and take parenting classes as part of their course load, they are still ostracized by the other teens and adults around them. The teens who chose to get pregnant on purpose (as opposed to those who are surprised) have a lot of issues going on and chose to over look the stigma in order to bring a child into this world.

 

As for the poor men who simply can't resist or are tricked etc, a couple thoughts, even if their gf etc claims to be on birth control they should be using a condom to prevent infection which would also prevent the pregnancy. They have just as much control over the situation, actually imo they have more, as I have not heard of many women who rape men but the other is happening far too often. A man is fully capable of saying no, or of putting on a condom if he wants to have sex. They are not the innocents in all this. The children are.

 

My concern with anyone who choses to get pregnant intentionally, whether single, married, teen or adult is whether or not they can raise that child standing on their own two feet. As in not living at home with momma, not expecting the grandparents or aunts etc to raise the child(ren), not living off welfare, being able to be selfsufficient as a parent because even if you are a married adult, you may end up on your own, due to death or divorce. I do not see a teenager being able to do that at 15, 16 etc. But by 19 I no longer consider them teens, In my province they are legally adults, I know several who already where making big bucks to support a family(oil fields or other trades), living on their own etc. And can raise the child without relying on the rest of the world to do it for them.

[tibbyl]

For the posters who have expressed dismay that the shame or stigma level of teen pregnancy is now too low as compared to older times, what type of actions would you like to see instituted to convey shame and stigma?

 

No more birth announcements?

No showers?

Sending mother to a home for unwed mothers?

Family being secretive about the birth?

Having the babies adopted out?

Keeping the pregnant teens physically separated from their peers?

 

In the late 1980s, I remember an aunt of mine refusing to buy a shower gift for my unwed cousin's baby because aunt felt the family should be too ashamed to have a shower for a bastard child.

 

So specifically what changes in way things are done would communicate the stigma?

[Scarlett]

For the posters who have expressed dismay that the shame or stigma level of teen pregnancy is now too low as compared to older times, what type of actions would you like to see instituted to convey shame and stigma?

 

No more birth announcements?

No showers?

Sending mother to a home for unwed mothers?

Family being secretive about the birth?

Having the babies adopted out?

Keeping the pregnant teens physically separated from their peers?

 

In the late 1980s, I remember an aunt of mine refusing to buy a shower gift for my unwed cousin's baby because aunt felt the family should be too ashamed to have a shower for a bastard child.

 

So specifically what changes in way things are done would communicate the stigma?

 

My mother was unwed in 1965 when I was born, so I am not heartless and cold about this issue. I have no desire to be cruel or cold to someone in trouble. The reason I think we should not embrace unwed motherhood is because I believe it to be wrong to have sex outside of marriage. If one doesn't share that particular belief than this conversation is pointless. If one does share that belief, then I would say it is very tricky to welcome a life while not overlooking the sin that brought about that life.

 

Would I provide help for a young girl who found herself pregnant? Sure. I would buy necessities. Would I throw a big party for her? No. Would I banish her to a home for unwed mothers? No. Would I pretend that what she did is fine and dandy? No.

 

Just as in every day life with everyone, we all have to decide how to treat each other. And while I try to be kind to all sorts of people, I do not open my heart and fellowship to people who are living a life of any kind of sin.

[Scarlett]

While I do not agree with teens getting pg on purpose I am also glad that stigma is less, though it is far from gone.

 

We will just have to agree to disagree on this issue.

[beansprouts]

I think the point that is missing in health education is that sex has a biological purpose, and that is to create life. Even an evolutionary perspective can not deny this fact. Therefore, whenever a person chooses to engage in sex, they are choosing to potentially create a life. I don't think this point is being made strongly enough for these kids. I think we are telling them that they can sidetrack the system by using birth control, but even the most reliable methods leave a 5% or so chance of failure. With this in mind, neither party can deny responsibility for the very natural result of sex should it occur.

[tibbyl]

My mother was unwed in 1965 when I was born, so I am not heartless and cold about this issue. I have no desire to be cruel or cold to someone in trouble. The reason I think we should not embrace unwed motherhood is because I believe it to be wrong to have sex outside of marriage. If one doesn't share that particular belief than this conversation is pointless. If one does share that belief, then I would say it is very tricky to welcome a life while not overlooking the sin that brought about that life.

 

Would I provide help for a young girl who found herself pregnant? Sure. I would buy necessities. Would I throw a big party for her? No. Would I banish her to a home for unwed mothers? No. Would I pretend that what she did is fine and dandy? No.

 

Just as in every day life with everyone, we all have to decide how to treat each other. And while I try to be kind to all sorts of people, I do not open my heart and fellowship to people who are living a life of any kind of sin.

 

Thank you for explaining your position. We see the issue differently. While I disapprove of teen pregnancy, the resulting child is innocent, so I have no problem with fully celebrating his/her arrival and existence, regardless of whatever unintended nod of perceived approval my actions may imply.

[Confuzzled]

Just as in every day life with everyone, we all have to decide how to treat each other. And while I try to be kind to all sorts of people, I do not open my heart and fellowship to people who are living a life of any kind of sin.

 

What if the sinner, the unwed child expecting a baby, was your child? Would you truly close your heart to him/her? That is very sad to me.

 

My 19-year-old unwed son will be a father next June. He will marry the mother, who he loves, as soon as he returns home from his deployment. (The baby was conceived during a short leave.) And I will embrace him, his new wife, and my first grandbaby with love and generosity.

 

We are all sinners. I sin every single day and so do you. It's not my place to try and make him, his girlfriend, and the innocent baby who didn't have a choice in the matter, pay for their sins by rejecting and closing off my heart and fellowship to them.

 

We will welcome our first grandchild with open arms and rejoice at the new life, whether we agree with the circumstances of his/her conception or not.

 

Kris

[jamnkats]

Well, yes... of course. But unless the girls were being up front about the desire to have a baby, I assume the boys would think there was birth control involved, rather than a girl trying to conceive. These are young kids. They're more likely to be acting on instinct than well thought out life plans, IMO.

 

Lori

 

Um, if the boy is going to be sticking his penis in a spot it could conceive a child it is HIS RESPONSIBILITY to make sure it is sterile. Sheath it. Just as it is the girls responsibility to ensure she won't get pregnant instead of leaving that chance to her partner. If you sheath your member and use spermicide, you're running a low chance of producing a baby. Anyone ASSUMING birth control is being used is being stupid.

[beansprouts]

What if the sinner, the unwed child expecting a baby, was your child? Would you truly close your heart to him/her? That is very sad to me.

 

My 19-year-old unwed son will be a father next June. He will marry the mother, who he loves, as soon as he returns home from his deployment. (The baby was conceived during a short leave.) And I will embrace him, his new wife, and my first grandbaby with love and generosity.

 

We are all sinners. I sin every single day and so do you. It's not my place to try and make him, his girlfriend, and the innocent baby who didn't have a choice in the matter, pay for their sins by rejecting and closing off my heart and fellowship to them.

 

We will welcome our first grandchild with open arms and rejoice at the new life, whether we agree with the circumstances of his/her conception or not.

 

 

I hope and pray that my children will make wise choices. I will teach my kids that when they choose a behavior they also choose the consequences, but I am fully aware that they might make mistakes.

 

In this case, I would hope to probably respond similarly to you. I don't think anything could stop me from celebrating my beautiful grandchild. :grouphug:

 

I am obviously not there, but I have thought about it. I would encourage the kids to marry if both parties are "healthy". I will provide a reasonable level of support while they pursue educational goals, job training, or whatever they need to support their family, with the end goal being that they become independant of me and able to stand on their own two feet. I will not support my children so they can party. If they choose to start a family, they are choosing to become adults. The road will be tough enough for them without me piling on more guilt and shame and condemnation.

 

But our kids have something that many of these other children do not and that is a FAMILY. So even if they do make mistakes, we will be there to help them get back on track with their lives. One can see from this thread that the breakdown of the family is largely responsible for these issues. Lost lonely people only breed more lost lonely people unless somethng happens to break the cycle. :sad:

[cathmom]

But by 19 I no longer consider them teens, In my province they are legally adults, I know several who already where making big bucks to support a family(oil fields or other trades), living on their own etc. And can raise the child without relying on the rest of the world to do it for them.

 

Thank you for making this point! I get so tired of statistics lumping in the pregnancies of women who are legal adults with the pregnancies of teens. Women who are 18 or 19 are adults and should not be counted as teen pregnancies.

[Kathy in MD]

The best abstinance-based education for me was high school health class that showed a graphic video of a woman giving birth. Seeing that kept me pure for several years! I did NOT want to go through THAT.

 

I was 23 and working in a hospital when I heard a 11 or 12 yo giving birth. Hearing her screaming when I was NOT in the immediate delivery area cured me of wanting to give birth for many years. Maybe permanently. Dh and I adopted :)

[beansprouts]

I was 23 and working in a hospital when I heard a 11 or 12 yo giving birth. Hearing her screaming when I was NOT in the immediate delivery area cured me of wanting to give birth for many years. Maybe permanently. Dh and I adopted :)

 

 

That poor child!

[AnnetteB]

My parent's disapproval was enough "stigma" to make me behave, but the culture was a bit more polite then. In our own case we had to show a mixture of disapproval and love for our son and his girlfriend/now wife. Although I believe she allowed the conception on purpose she threatened to abort...too long a story. Unimaginable for our family and our son. We watched the baby for over two years while she worked and attended college courses. I did not attend the baby shower that her mother gave for her, but we gave diapers, clothing, toys, and hand-me-downs to fill the nursery. It has been awkward at times, but I feel the need to send a very clear message to all the other children watching how Mom & Dad handle this. There is a second child now even though she says she doesn't even like children....grrrr...ds can be such an idiot...I am not sure how much credit I should give him. He was one of those difficult kids labeled attention deficit disorder hyper-active. I just think he is stubborn and has to find his own way through trial and error. As a little boy if you told him, "Don't touch! The water is hot" he had to touch it for himself.

[Scarlett]

What if the sinner, the unwed child expecting a baby, was your child? Would you truly close your heart to him/her? That is very sad to me.

 

My 19-year-old unwed son will be a father next June. He will marry the mother, who he loves, as soon as he returns home from his deployment. (The baby was conceived during a short leave.) And I will embrace him, his new wife, and my first grandbaby with love and generosity.

 

We are all sinners. I sin every single day and so do you. It's not my place to try and make him, his girlfriend, and the innocent baby who didn't have a choice in the matter, pay for their sins by rejecting and closing off my heart and fellowship to them.

 

We will welcome our first grandchild with open arms and rejoice at the new life, whether we agree with the circumstances of his/her conception or not.

 

Kris

 

I didn't say I wouldn't welcome the baby. I didn't say I would close my heart to a person who sinned....It is very difficult to translate emotion to a post on a message board....but I am not being cold. I am trying very hard to uphold God's standards and not behave in a way that would indicate I am disregarding his standards.

 

I know we are all sinners. I know I sin every day. I believe that is far different from the PRACTICE of sin...such as living together when not married. Or doing drugs...or having an affair.

 

Your son is marrying the girl as soon as he is physically able to do so, right? He is making things right. That is far different from a person who chooses to continue on in the course of wrongdoing.

 

As I said early on in this thread....it is a tricky thing to show mercy and kindness to people who have gotten themselves in trouble...without leaning too far and finding ourselves disregarding the very standards we want to uphold.

[mazakaal]

For the posters who have expressed dismay that the shame or stigma level of teen pregnancy is now too low as compared to older times, what type of actions would you like to see instituted to convey shame and stigma?

 

No more birth announcements?

No showers?

Sending mother to a home for unwed mothers?

Family being secretive about the birth?

Having the babies adopted out?

Keeping the pregnant teens physically separated from their peers?

 

In the late 1980s, I remember an aunt of mine refusing to buy a shower gift for my unwed cousin's baby because aunt felt the family should be too ashamed to have a shower for a bastard child.

 

So specifically what changes in way things are done would communicate the stigma?

 

 

I don't know the intention of the post you are responding to here, but I do think that the 'lack of stigma' (which I would define more as a gleeful exuberance) has gotten out of control, encouraging teens (and, yes, I define this more as under 18's really) to have babies because 'it would be fun and there's so much cute stuff! We can compare how big our bellies are! Won't it be fun!'

 

I would certainly welcome a baby with gifts and love who was born to a woman with an unexpected pregnancy, and I wouldn't want the same stigma of the '60's. But when the 'stigma' has swung so far in the other direction in the mindset of 13-17yos, it certainly is not a healthy situation.

 

 

ETA: I think what I'm getting at, is that the gravity of the situation (ie- raising a child is a HUGE responsiblity) is not even on the radar screen for these young teens.

Edited December 8, 2008 by MeganP
new thought

[Scarlett]

Thank you for explaining your position. We see the issue differently. While I disapprove of teen pregnancy, the resulting child is innocent, so I have no problem with fully celebrating his/her arrival and existence, regardless of whatever unintended nod of perceived approval my actions may imply.

 

I've been torn on this before myself....but the thing is, a newborn doesn't understand parties and celebrations...those things are for the parents of said baby. I've decided that for me, throwing or attending a party for a young unwed girl would be sending the wrong message to her. I can be kind to her without glorifying the situation....and I have been.